Feel weird about bf drinking

[nauseatedsidney]

Hi,

I left stbxh a couple of years ago. He was addicted to everything, with all different substances causing different problems. He was emotionally and verbally abusive as well as coercively controlling us all. He was particularly unpredictable on alcohol and could get really arsey with people. Never got in an actual fight but only because he was tall, intimidating and angry looking.

Anyway I've met a lovely man that I adore. He has a safety critical job so doesn't do any drugs at all and barely drinks. In the year we've been together he's probably drank a handful of times. He takes it too far, but is a great drunk. Friendly, funny, centre of the party.

In my head I know it's all good and he's totally different. But when he's drinking my anxiety levels go through the roof!! I don't suffer at all from anxiety, and my brain is telling me it's all good but my body is nauseous, palpitations going on, overthinking, etc.

This is defo a me problem so I don't even want to make him uncomfortable by telling him. I'm not sure counselling would help as I know what the problem is. Has anyone had this before that can advise how to move on without this unreasonable physical reaction?

This isn't a deal breaker with bf at all, he's great.

TIA

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. And, despite her protestations, the OP deep down knows it too.

Its sad to see women tieing themselves in knots trying to ignore what their intuition is telling them.

"He is a binge drinker, he drinks too much when he does drink, but he doesn't cause bother and would definitely pick me over drink, I don't even question that".

But have you ever had a conversation with him about this, it needs to happen. Binge drinking is a problem and I am certain too that some people around him feel some degree of discomfort particularly if he does become more loud and boisterous. They would not tell you readily though because you're his gf.

Your own anxiety caused by your ex and now by this man's drinking is indeed a valid concern.

How often is he getting drunk? I barely drink alcohol, it just doesn't suit me or my lifestyle anymore, but a few times a year I'll get drunk at a wedding or party and have a good laugh with friends and a dance. No problem whatsoever. We can't assume he's got problems.

@SunnieShine

Its sad to see women tieing themselves in knots trying to ignore what their intuition is telling them.

It's equally sad, if not worse, to see women tying themselves in knots over what their imagination or anxiety is lying to them about. This OP had admitted that what she deems her partner 'going too far' in drinking is him becoming 'a bit elated'. Well, that's a whole bunch of us with a drink problem then. When I have had maybe two or three glasses of wine, I do feel a bit sort of cheerful and amiable, and possibly inclined to laugh a bit. My partner likewise. he gets a bit smiley. Might tell a joke or two. Sometimes half a dozen of us will do this. But we know when to stop. We might enter the brightly lit anteroom of intoxication but don't want or need to go further. The price these days if nothing else! To see this type of thing as 'too much' means there is a mis-match in the relationship. If he gets stocious and wants to pick fights with all and sundry, falls over, vomits, loses things, can't remember anything the next day, now that's a problem.

When his friends aren't around or there's no social things going on he doesn't drink at all. He also keeps fit and competes in sport so it's not just his job that keeps him sober. I've known of him being drunk about 6 times in the year, always at social things. He likes being the life and soul of the party, just doesn't know when to stop once he starts. I technically don't have a problem with it, he's fun and affectionate when drunk. My body is just screaming at me though and my head starts playing tricks on me. I have no daily anxiety issues, it's specific to this. I've noticed it from the first time he was drinking in my company. He's not doing anything wrong, and I don't want to ask him to change, I need to relax but the reaction is out of my control and very extreme for the circumstances

Honestly? I don't think you should be in a relationship with someone who drinks to the point where there's a difference in their behaviour.
Your experiences have scarred you and you won't be able to get past it. You're also vulnerable to being gaslighted into thinking problem drinking isnt a problem, its you being intolerant because of your past, which may or may not be true. (Personally I think the opposite is true actually. Those of us who've lived with it are more attuned to the signs in others, and should trust our feelings.)
There are people out there who can drink without 'taking it too far' in any respect, and they would be a better match for you.

@5128gap

I don't think you should be in a relationship with someone who drinks to the point where there's a difference in their behaviour

Seriously? Seriously?? There's a 'difference' in my mother's behaviour after one dry sherry, and it amuses and pleases me to see it.

What is the matter with some of the people on here? There's problem drinking and there's normal drinking.

I'm another one who thinks people are picking on a red herring.

I think the important thing to remember is that it was your ex's abusive behaviour that was the problem, not the drinking. Plenty of people drink, they don't all automatically get aggressive.

It's similar to how having a temper doesn't make you violent. Some people will get violent and abusive when they lose their temper or when they get drunk. It's not the anger or the drunkenness that is the problem. The problem is they feel entitled to abuse other people.

It can be hard to stop reacting to triggers. But I'm guessing that your ex wasn't a very nice person a lot of the time anyway, drunk or not?

No he wasn't particularly nice. I agree I might be better suited to a non drinker, but I'd be loathe to leave an otherwise excellent relationship because my bf likes having a laugh with his mates and some fizz every now and again. And really had I not had the experience I had before, I'd find him hilarious, he's a fun guy with or without a drink. So hopefully I can learn to not be triggered by it

@Thisisbollocksmark

Plenty of people drink, they don't all automatically get aggressive.

Yes. Given enough drink, my Darling Partner will get, successively, smiley, jokey, musical, and finally sleepy. The worst thing he does is put Aqua songs on and sing along in a cod Swedish accent (Roses are red, wiolets are blue ... I'm a wictim of a hard love messenger!')

I think that you're letting relationships of the past ruin relationships of the here and now and you need to get a handle of that before you lose a great guy. Most men drink and watch porn. There's a lot of extremists on here saying "that's not normal behaviour!!" Or "you DO have anxiety and need to get medication!!"
Let the feeling wash over you. You're in a good place right now by knowing your reaction isn't great and that's good but it will pass. It won't pass it you keep ruminating over it and obsessing over it. Just accept that it makes you a little uneasy and know that it's just a trigger and that you have a little ptsd from a past bad relationship. Most people have general anxiety over something or other it's perfectly natural. Maybe consider taking a good vitamin b tablet that will help your nervous system and focus more on your own wellness and wellbeing rather than another person. For instance whenever you can have some relaxing time for yourself, get plenty of fresh air and exercise, eat well. You'll soon find these feelings dissipate.
But if you start going down the anti depressant route and therapy route you'll have given your niggling thought oxygen and space to thrive and what would be just rapid heart beat will turn into all other complications. People drink. People get drunk. Livers repair. He isn't drinking every night to excess he's letting off steam every once in a while. That's no big deal.... unless you make it.

Yes, seriously seriously!
Many people who have lived with abusive alcoholics are permanently scarred by the experience. The fact that you see your mother's behavior after a sherry as amusing is entirely irrelevant to the OP, who has told us her partners drinking makes her sick with anxiety. So I'm not sure of the point you're making?
The OPs attitude towards alcohol will be different from those who have been fortunate enough not to experience it as a factor in their abuse, and so if she doesn't want to spend social occasions having palpitations, she would be better in a relationship with a more moderate drinker who doesnt change with alcohol. Not one who 'can't seem to stop' and is louder etc which triggers her anxiety.

You could try sitting down and meditating when you get the feeling. Feel it in your body, it has a physical pattern, and it will move through you. Trick is to realise you are safe, it's just a pattern stuck in your body from trauma. You need to feel it fully to integrate it into your body and resolve it.

I felt the same. DH felt I was completely unreasonable to ask him not to drink whiskey. It turned my ex evil.

DH is not understanding about this, but in fairness in nearly a decade he's never got drunk on whiskey in front of me again.

I don’t think someone who goes out and gets drunk a few times a year is someone with a ‘drinking problem’. As long as he’s not being abusive or doing anything illegal. I say this as a (sober) alcoholic.

The fact it makes you anxious is about you and is perfectly reasonable, but sounds like something you need to deal with due to your own past trauma. Therapy really will help. It’s not about identifying the problem, which you say you’ve done, it’s about understanding your response and healing those wounds that cause it.