Is my husband being unreasonable?!

[Jop12345]

Right I’m a stay at home mum to 4 children of primary school age. 3 of our children have special needs and they don’t all go to the same school. I cannot work due to length of school runs and also appointments etc so quite often at least one child isn’t at school. My days are extremely knackering and same-y! Often the kids are awake from 6am til 10/11pm. It’s hard work. I also do a tiny job for 4 hours a week.

My husband works. It’s a good job and very flexible (but very often only when he wants it to be!)

He does 2 or 3 one way school runs a week to one school.

He goes away on holiday with friends every year. He does hobbies every week. Im totally fine with that. He says he’s happy for me to go away with friends but we don’t really have the money and also I know he wouldn’t cope with the kids well.

He often takes the kids out on a Saturday to eat or play at the park for a few hours so I can rest.

When I leave the kids with him at home to go out for the day (very rarely ) he “forgets” to feed them proper meals at proper times. They can get cereal/toast/snacks so that’s what they do all day.

In the evenings he would never think to say “it’s bedtime now” and actually carry through with getting them all in bed. I literally have to tell him if I want him to help with anything with the kids .I devised a timetable to share bedtimes (as it’s hell) and he agreed to it, but at least half the time when it’s his bedtime I have to finish it as he just can’t be bothered to do it properly and they won’t sleep!

We also have 2 dogs and he does nothing for them even though when I said everything was too much he agreed to walk them sometimes in the eves to help me. But he just never sticks to his word and when I bring up the agreement he kicks off saying he’s tired and he’s been at work etc .

Now what I find totally unreasonable is that he doesn’t consider things to do with the kids “his job”! So very often if one kid has an appointment or something that means I can’t pick the others up from school and ask him to do it he kicks up a fuss . Saying “it’s not my job , i go to work, I’ve already done my school runs this week” etc . So today (and it’s not rare) he finished work at about 4.30 and I really expect him to come home and help, but no ,he goes shopping then wonders in at 7pm. I say “it must be nice to be able to just swan off without a care in the world” he then kicks off saying “I’ve been at work then I needed to get petrol because you’re making me drive the kids all over the place (extra school runs)and then I went to the shop, that ok?!” (Obviously that doesn’t take from 4 til 7!) Then he goes on and on about how he works and kids are my job etc ! He argues like a child and storms around the place being a bit aggressive (not to me as such just around me).
Then because he knows I’m pissed off (and he’s about to go out again !) he says half heartedly to the youngest kid (who’s easiest to put in bed) “come on I’ll put you in bed” he does but the kid gets up anyway so obviously I have to do it. Then my husband says “right I’m off to my evening class now and goes out again (literally at home for 10/20 mins) .
He is also out tomorrow night.

Now I’m very easy going and would never want to stop him going out (and he wouldn’t stop me ) but I just feel like he takes the p a bit!

I’ve told him I don’t like having all the mental load for the kids (which I 100% do have) but he does nothing to lessen it for me, and continually acts like because I’m a stay at home mum he isn’t responsible when the kids need out of routine care . But I’m only one person and often he needs to be involved as it’s not possible for me to be in multiple places at once!!

Even when it’s sports days etc he always moans and says “I do have work you know , I’ll have to change meetings etc !” Even tho if he wants to do something he 100% can drop work instantly! (He can set his own days/work load etc) . I point out plenty of other parents work and attend school things without a fuss! He should want to etc ! I actually feel like he should be asking when they are and arranging the time off himself but no I have to tell him, listen to the wingeing then continually remind him when it is and make sure he remembers on the day.

I just don’t feel like he considers me at all ! When I bring up problems he tells me that’s how it is or he says he understands and will change things but he doesn’t . He talks the talk often but never walks the walk !

He also drinks most nights which really bothers me as although it’s not huge amounts it alters his mood and the way he talks to me and the kids. We talked about it numerous times and he agrees it makes him snappy and angry and that he will stop but he never does . Infact he now hides the cans which is like lying as well as just carrying on, when he has said he would stop. To be clear he’s not getting drunk and I don’t believe he’s an alcoholic but it certainly doesn’t agree with him and I feel the fact I’ve said it’s not acceptable to me and said it’s a deal breaker for me and he doesn’t respect that is upsetting ! He does have a habit of lying (to get out of dealing with things )which I HATE!

He never arranges family days out or anything for me . In the evenings etc he would never come and chat to me or spend time with me . Only if I initiate it. Unless of course he wants something….

He is reliable though (wouldn’t leave !)and deals with all the running of the life admin stuff (eg paperwork, insurances , tax etc etc ). I deal with ALL kid admin stuff (schools, doctors etc and there’s a LOT!)

Im stuck between (a) thinking our lives are hard and we’re both trying our best to muddle through and (b)thinking he’s a selfish immature b that seems to think because he works he isn’t responsible for the kids !
I would like to work and can’t and he knows that (we have discussed various options but it’s not possible at the mo) and openly admits he could no way do what I do and swap !

I feel like he’s another kid I have to consider and almost “tell what to do” all the time when it concerns him caring for the kids . When he’s away it’s actually easier for me as I do what I usually do but without the disappointment that he’s not helping with the kids and without the resentment I feel towards him.
If I think about him when he’s not around or maybe when we’re on holiday having a nice time I feel like I love him but when he’s at home I very rarely feel like I do .. in fact often I feel like I hate him!

If you got this far please tell me if he should freely help me with the kids in the evening/do extra school runs if I can’t, if I ask him to ?!?

Ok there is an awful lot there to unpick in your marriage.

You must feel lonely, worn out and taken for granted. Anyone would under those circumstances!

You urgently need counselling as this situation is untenable. If he won't go with you then go yourself and do not let his needs get in the way.

You need to either carve out a life within the marriage where you are supported, loved and respected. Otherwise you should leave. Both outcomes would be far far preferable to this.

And yes of course he needs to share the responsibilities.

He’s now been out again last night from late afternoon to late eve. I asked him not to go as I didn’t feel well … he just left. There was also something difficult going on that I needed his help with and he didn’t care. This became more urgent later in the early evening so I text and asked him to come home. He said he would but didn’t! Then two hours later after a few more ignored calls and messages he said ok I’m coming now . Got back after I’d had to deal with the difficult thing alone as it was time sensitive.
He then announced the friends he was out with have arranged a city break for a few days!! 😱 No asking if it’s ok with me etc .
Im just done.
He has shown me one too many times he doesn’t care about me.

What do I do though? It’s not possible to leave him for now (for various reasons, I’ve looked in to every option) so how do I manage to live alongside him for the next probably 4 years ? I can’t stand being near him.

The bad news is you have a really terrible husband. But the good news is you know it! So whether it is four years or four weeks from today that you dump him doesn’t matter that much. You know where you are going.

How are you stuck, OP? If you've decided you want to leave, how about getting some practical advice, rather than just 'I've looked, can't do it, got to stay'?

We can't help you. He doesn't care, and you know it. He shows it. You've told him, and he didn't listen or change.

You can't shine a shit.

Your marriage is over. I don't know what you're going to do, but you can't stay with this abusive man.

Call Women's Aid, talk to family, and get advice from a solicitor.

Honestly I don’t know what to do. I’ve just tried to have a conversation with him about how unhappy I am and he says the same as always “well I’m unhappy , you’re horrible “ I then say to him if he’s unhappy he can bring that up on his own but he doesn’t so it’s just like a childish “no you are” kind of thing. I’ve asked him how I’m horrible and he says “this being rude to me now (I was literally just telling him I can’t live with him ) and messaging me last night telling me to come home is controlling” which is a joke because he’d been out 3 nights in a row and I had a reason I needed him home and I’ve never asked him to come home/not go out before.

I’m literally sat in the kitchen crying now (which I rarely cry) and he has happily gone to sleep ! It always makes me sad how he can sleep soundly knowing I’m upset , it has happened most times I’m upset. He won’t bring it up tomorrow either he’ll just expect me to carry on like everything is fine .

It’s just so upsetting. I can’t just leave though, the kids are settled here in local schools with local friends . This house is adapted for them etc. it’s not as easy as just leave . If I didn’t have the kids I would have left , wouldn’t care about the house or anything.

This is so miserable and i know this will go on until they are older.

Sounds just awful. Your husband seems totally devoid of any empathy at all. Like he is going through a rote of communicating but not really engaging, a bit like a robot!
If I were you I would at least talk to a lawyer about separating so you know where you stand. Hard facts are more sustaining than exhausted catastrophising scenarios.

Thanks for your reply, feel a bit less lonely ❤️
that’s exactly what it’s like , he’s always been very unemotional but he was my first proper boyfriend and my first love and I kind of just didn’t expect more. But I’ve definitely felt sad about it lots over the last 20 years. It’s very lonely being with him, but I sort of love him , it’s hard to explain. Probably because I’ve known him most my life and also I think I always imagine him to be one thing in my head but in real life he’s not actually that person 😢

Book yourself into a hotel for a few days for a rest, then deal with decisions etc. once you're rested and able to think straight,

He doesn't sound like a very nice man tbh. And you deserve better. What's the situation re: house? Can you find work? X

Ugh..another one of these foul men. There’s too much to go through, and in fact, you already know he’s an irredeemable arse, at best.

Apologies if you’ve said, but do you own your home? Whose name is it in?

As PP has said, Womens Aid or Refuge are your lifelines here-they are very knowledgeable about legal matters, court orders and step-by-steps of how to exit any shitty relationship. You may find that when you talk to them, you wake up to the fact that this is more than just selfish, callous behaviour. Please don’t go on like this. You have to get to grips with it and believe you can get out.

Thanks for the replies. The house is owned in both our names .
I can’t just go to a hotel because of the kids , he “has work” as he always tells me and couldn’t look after them all properly. I couldn’t take them all to a hotel. Plus the dogs. Honestly I don’t know how people with kids break up!
I don’t feel I could contact woman’s aid etc as although I do think he can be very horrible sometimes, he can also be nice and he’s not violent to me. I don’t think being horrible is a crime 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know emotional abuse is but how do you know if it crosses the line from horrible uncaring bloke to abusive ?

Also re work. I can’t work at the moment due to the kids needs. Hopefully will be able to in a year or 2.

You've not made life easy for yourself. Unless the dogs were there before the DC, I really don't get what you were thinking by having 2 of them, unless they are specialist therapy dogs. Having a dog is like having another child, so it's like you're taking 6 on! Don't know how you do it all.
I'd have to call his bluff and go away with friends, or even yourself for a day or 2. Being on cerial for a day and not sent for a regular bed time won't harm them as a short one-off. He's relying on you knocking him back, don't, give it a go, have a breather - and make him understand what you do. If he can afford to go away, you can too.

We had one dog before the kids and got one when our eldest child was a toddler . Then had another baby . The last two were surprise twins ! All the kids were very close together.
Yes it’s very hectic !

Also we can’t really afford for either of us to go away but he does it anyway ! X

And yes, he’s had the snip!🤣

I didnt get to the end coz its late but he sounds like another kid.
I get where you're coming from. My husband blames me for never going out after work even tho I said if its not a school night then go for it.
I have 5 children. Its soo draining, constantly thinking about 6peoples lives and the house. I don't have capacity to do all the thinking for my husband as well. I'll be direct about things for the kids. We take it in turns to get up 1st but I do more school runs. He's just got another night off because my son keeps kicking off and getting violent. So finally working 3 nights a week instead of 4(2 of them being fri/sat which are fine as no bedtime/dramas mostly).

I think you need to reign him in or get rid. You've got enough to deal with. They're his kids as well and he needs to step up and do more. Why dont you start a evening class or go to bingo. Anything to get out the house 1 night a week on your own. Well done for doing everything you're doing, you deserve a medal. Don't forget about you and self care.

Thanks . I do (very)occasionally go out in the evening but to be honest I’m too knackered at the moment! Hope you can get some help and support for your son, doesn’t sound easy x

Definitely contact somewhere like women's aid for some support.

You need to be making plans to separate, this is not a healthy relationship and you're going to end up poorly if he continues like he is doing.
He isn't coming across as a nice person at all form what you've said.

You should go out more - even if it's just an evening in Starbucks with a book and a cup of tea. It's a little bit of you time where he has to pick up the reins and deal with stuff.

You really need to plan for some changes to happen - you simply can't carry on like this, managing everything yourself with snippets of "help" from the person that's supposed to be parenting with you.

I’d 100% be making my plans to leave, even if it’s not for a couple of years. I’d really really want to stop cooking him dinner too ‘oh I forgot, when you work out how to remember to feed your children a meal when you are looking after them tell me your trick and I’ll use it to remember to save you dinner.’ But perhaps that would escalate things too much for you- save it for the day after you next leave them on a weekend with him and he ‘forgets’ to feed them.

This is awful. He is awful.

You say that there isn't enough money for you to go away on a break yet he seems to manage it. Do you have equal access to money?

We have equal access , he just goes in to the overdraft or dips in to a small savings account we agreed we wouldn’t use. I don’t want to do either of those things.
what is particularly upsetting about this newly announced city break … is that we had agreed on a holiday for our family in the summer and now he’s saying we don’t really have the money and he doesn’t really have any days to take off work ! But can make both work for the city break 😞
He says he has to go on the city break because of a particular reason (it’s kind of valid but I feel he should put our families needs and feelings above the friends feelings who may be unhappy if he doesn’t go)

Don’t know if it’s relevant but I came to the relationship at the beginning with more money than him (first house deposit was all mine and he was in debt that he had to get out of , which he did) . We were then equal-ish earners for most of the years before we had kids. Then I stayed home to look after them .

You need to tell him that you need a break. And dip into the savings and book yourself a city break or a little cottage for a weekend. Do not feel bad about it.

And leave him with the kids. I know you say he won't cope, but he will have to.

If you divorce, he will have to learn how to look after the kids anyway.