Right I’m a stay at home mum to 4 children of primary school age. 3 of our children have special needs and they don’t all go to the same school. I cannot work due to length of school runs and also appointments etc so quite often at least one child isn’t at school. My days are extremely knackering and same-y! Often the kids are awake from 6am til 10/11pm. It’s hard work. I also do a tiny job for 4 hours a week.
My husband works. It’s a good job and very flexible (but very often only when he wants it to be!)
He does 2 or 3 one way school runs a week to one school.
He goes away on holiday with friends every year. He does hobbies every week. Im totally fine with that. He says he’s happy for me to go away with friends but we don’t really have the money and also I know he wouldn’t cope with the kids well.
He often takes the kids out on a Saturday to eat or play at the park for a few hours so I can rest.
When I leave the kids with him at home to go out for the day (very rarely ) he “forgets” to feed them proper meals at proper times. They can get cereal/toast/snacks so that’s what they do all day.
In the evenings he would never think to say “it’s bedtime now” and actually carry through with getting them all in bed. I literally have to tell him if I want him to help with anything with the kids .I devised a timetable to share bedtimes (as it’s hell) and he agreed to it, but at least half the time when it’s his bedtime I have to finish it as he just can’t be bothered to do it properly and they won’t sleep!
We also have 2 dogs and he does nothing for them even though when I said everything was too much he agreed to walk them sometimes in the eves to help me. But he just never sticks to his word and when I bring up the agreement he kicks off saying he’s tired and he’s been at work etc .
Now what I find totally unreasonable is that he doesn’t consider things to do with the kids “his job”! So very often if one kid has an appointment or something that means I can’t pick the others up from school and ask him to do it he kicks up a fuss . Saying “it’s not my job , i go to work, I’ve already done my school runs this week” etc . So today (and it’s not rare) he finished work at about 4.30 and I really expect him to come home and help, but no ,he goes shopping then wonders in at 7pm. I say “it must be nice to be able to just swan off without a care in the world” he then kicks off saying “I’ve been at work then I needed to get petrol because you’re making me drive the kids all over the place (extra school runs)and then I went to the shop, that ok?!” (Obviously that doesn’t take from 4 til 7!) Then he goes on and on about how he works and kids are my job etc ! He argues like a child and storms around the place being a bit aggressive (not to me as such just around me).
Then because he knows I’m pissed off (and he’s about to go out again !) he says half heartedly to the youngest kid (who’s easiest to put in bed) “come on I’ll put you in bed” he does but the kid gets up anyway so obviously I have to do it. Then my husband says “right I’m off to my evening class now and goes out again (literally at home for 10/20 mins) .
He is also out tomorrow night.
Now I’m very easy going and would never want to stop him going out (and he wouldn’t stop me ) but I just feel like he takes the p a bit!
I’ve told him I don’t like having all the mental load for the kids (which I 100% do have) but he does nothing to lessen it for me, and continually acts like because I’m a stay at home mum he isn’t responsible when the kids need out of routine care . But I’m only one person and often he needs to be involved as it’s not possible for me to be in multiple places at once!!
Even when it’s sports days etc he always moans and says “I do have work you know , I’ll have to change meetings etc !” Even tho if he wants to do something he 100% can drop work instantly! (He can set his own days/work load etc) . I point out plenty of other parents work and attend school things without a fuss! He should want to etc ! I actually feel like he should be asking when they are and arranging the time off himself but no I have to tell him, listen to the wingeing then continually remind him when it is and make sure he remembers on the day.
I just don’t feel like he considers me at all ! When I bring up problems he tells me that’s how it is or he says he understands and will change things but he doesn’t . He talks the talk often but never walks the walk !
He also drinks most nights which really bothers me as although it’s not huge amounts it alters his mood and the way he talks to me and the kids. We talked about it numerous times and he agrees it makes him snappy and angry and that he will stop but he never does . Infact he now hides the cans which is like lying as well as just carrying on, when he has said he would stop. To be clear he’s not getting drunk and I don’t believe he’s an alcoholic but it certainly doesn’t agree with him and I feel the fact I’ve said it’s not acceptable to me and said it’s a deal breaker for me and he doesn’t respect that is upsetting ! He does have a habit of lying (to get out of dealing with things )which I HATE!
He never arranges family days out or anything for me . In the evenings etc he would never come and chat to me or spend time with me . Only if I initiate it. Unless of course he wants something….
He is reliable though (wouldn’t leave !)and deals with all the running of the life admin stuff (eg paperwork, insurances , tax etc etc ). I deal with ALL kid admin stuff (schools, doctors etc and there’s a LOT!)
Im stuck between (a) thinking our lives are hard and we’re both trying our best to muddle through and (b)thinking he’s a selfish immature b that seems to think because he works he isn’t responsible for the kids !
I would like to work and can’t and he knows that (we have discussed various options but it’s not possible at the mo) and openly admits he could no way do what I do and swap !
I feel like he’s another kid I have to consider and almost “tell what to do” all the time when it concerns him caring for the kids . When he’s away it’s actually easier for me as I do what I usually do but without the disappointment that he’s not helping with the kids and without the resentment I feel towards him.
If I think about him when he’s not around or maybe when we’re on holiday having a nice time I feel like I love him but when he’s at home I very rarely feel like I do .. in fact often I feel like I hate him!
If you got this far please tell me if he should freely help me with the kids in the evening/do extra school runs if I can’t, if I ask him to ?!?