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Original poster

Haven't heard from friend since I gave birth.

45 replies

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 10:51

I have been friends with a girl for over 15 years from when I lived down south. I moved back home to Scotland 10 years ago but we have always kept in touch - initially by phone and occasional meet ups but now by WhatsApp every few months; we always send birthday and Christmas cards. We both have daughters of similar age (7&8) and I’ve recently had another girl a few weeks ago at the age of 47 as a result of embryo adoption.
She has been a bit funny about my pregnancy journey in the past; she once told me she didn’t want to talk about my efforts ttc with a known donor when I first started trying. Then a few years ago she didn’t respond when I messaged her to say I’d had a failed ivf.
I was nervous about announcing my pregnancy to ger over WhatsApp but she responded positively. However, that was over 4 months ago I haven’t heard from her since. I thought I’d hear from her in my last trimester but nothing. She posted a comment when I announced my babies birth 5 weeks ago on FB but she hasn’t reached out in any other way - no card or message.
I’m a bit perturbed and annoyed tbh. She got pregnant first and I had to grit my teeth and congratulate her all the way through ger pregnancy even though I felt jealous and upset as up to that point my effort ttc had failed. She has mentioned she would have liked a second baby if her current relationship was more serious but at 45 she’s running out of time. If the tables were turned I would have at least messaged her! I have a feeling that I'm not going to hear from her again 😢.
Has anyone else experienced a cold or lukewarm response from a friend like this?
Not sure how to react!

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 16/06/2023 10:56

If you're only messaging every couple or month, maybe she just doesn't think you're as close as you were.

I'm guessing the comment when you posted the announcement was some sort of congratulations so she didn't feel the need to send a card or another private message as well?

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 10:58

Yes I wonder if you might be right. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 16/06/2023 10:59

Have you asked after her? Or just announced your pregnancy on WA and then announced the birth?

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 11:02

Whataretheodds · 16/06/2023 10:59

Have you asked after her? Or just announced your pregnancy on WA and then announced the birth?

Hi I told her about my pregnancy via whatsapp when I was 12 weeks. I announced the birth on FB. I didn't message her about this as I hadn't heard from her from months and not at all during my last trimester...

OP posts:
NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 16/06/2023 11:04

"She posted a comment when I announced my babies birth 5 weeks ago on FB"

You have heard from her in the same way she has heard from you.

SnapPop · 16/06/2023 11:05

Just message her OP - I don't understand why you're waiting for her to her in touch?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 16/06/2023 11:06

I had a close friend, someone I lived with for about 2 years. We’d left the shared house, gone on to our own things but stayed in touch regularly and I thought were friends. After I gave birth she sent a baby present and then completely went off radar. Never heard from her again. I sent her birthday and Xmas cards, occasional letters - zilch.
I don’t know what happened to this day . I do know that by time I had baby she had been in a relationship with someone who was divorced with kids, so maybe that meant she had a different perspective but that’s clutching at straws, I equally think did she have an appalling accident or even die- I had no address for her parents and had only met them once or twice

lesson is that people have their own lives going on. We don’t know what their issues, problems or health concerns are. Friendships develop for all sorts of reason and not all of them are intimate to know exactly what the other person thinks and feels about everything. Just leave it, she knows where you are, send a Xmas greeting and birthday greeting politely each year to let her know the door is open, but leave it at that and move on. You’ll never know why she’s reacted in way she has

TeaKitten · 16/06/2023 11:08

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 11:02

Hi I told her about my pregnancy via whatsapp when I was 12 weeks. I announced the birth on FB. I didn't message her about this as I hadn't heard from her from months and not at all during my last trimester...

Show quote history

Had you messaged her? About general life not your pregnancy. You being pregnant doesn’t mean she should be doing all the contacting. Sounds like the friendship has just fizzled out.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/06/2023 11:10

Have you ever checked in with her to see how she's doing in all this time?
This sounds a bit obsessive for someone you only occasionally see. I definitely didn't keep track of who wished me well and by what form of communication when my baby was born, I would ' count' a Facebook comment though and not expect a card or WhatsApp in addition to that.
Focus on your baby and if you miss her, send her a text asking how she is and what's new with her xx

Whataretheodds · 16/06/2023 11:13

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 11:02

Hi I told her about my pregnancy via whatsapp when I was 12 weeks. I announced the birth on FB. I didn't message her about this as I hadn't heard from her from months and not at all during my last trimester...

Show quote history

I didn't ask if you messaged her about your pregnanxy/birth. I asked if you asked after her - how she is, what's happening in her life.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 16/06/2023 11:14

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 10:58

Yes I wonder if you might be right. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much?

I think you should message her and just ask how she is. Have a normal chat with her.

I know it's nice to have people to talk to and be there after you have a baby but she doesn't seem like she's able to be one of them people anymore.

Sometimes things just fizzle out though. I don't think she's done anything wrong. You just have different lives now by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 11:32

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe I'm over-analysing and that it's apparent that our friendship means more to me her... I know if she'd had a baby I would have at least messaged her!

I contacted her last time. I'll leave it up to her to message me. I want to see how long it takes her, if she contacts me at all!

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 16/06/2023 11:34

If you like and value her, keep up the friendship. If you don't then let it fizzle out.

TheSnowyOwl · 16/06/2023 11:36

You posted on FB. She replied to your post. Isn’t that hearing from her?

Drummend01 · 16/06/2023 11:43

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 11:32

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe I'm over-analysing and that it's apparent that our friendship means more to me her... I know if she'd had a baby I would have at least messaged her!

I contacted her last time. I'll leave it up to her to message me. I want to see how long it takes her, if she contacts me at all!

You contacted her to tell her about your news though? How do you know there isn’t something happening in her life which means she isn’t that focused on your pregnancy/birth? I think waiting to see how long she takes to message you is a bit of an immature way to deal with it, if you’re not bothered about continuing the friendship then don’t think about it anymore but if you do actually want to be friends then you should reach out to her. “Hey I feel like we’ve lost contact a bit recently and it would be nice to reconnect again. Hows everything with you? Would you be open to arranging a catch up soon?”

Infusionist · 16/06/2023 11:47

If she’s a good friend, don’t play silly games about waiting for contact or fussing about whether she’s used WhatsApp or FB.

But it sounds more like she’s an old acquaintance who your relationship has fizzled out with, and you’re looking for some drama.

WunWun · 16/06/2023 11:50

To be fair, it seemed pretty clear she wasn't really supportive of your getting pregnant for whatever her reasons, so I'm not sure why it's so shocking now?

Snoken · 16/06/2023 12:01

WunWun · 16/06/2023 11:50

To be fair, it seemed pretty clear she wasn't really supportive of your getting pregnant for whatever her reasons, so I'm not sure why it's so shocking now?

I think this is probably the case. I have reacted similiarly to one of my friends who had a baby recently. I think she has made a mistake basically and I find it hard to muster up enthusiasm about her new situation. Although I have congratulated her, bought a present for the baby etc. our relationship has changed now and we don't speak or see each other nearly as much as we used to. I realise this sounds weird as her having a baby has nothing to do with me, but it has changed our dynamics and I think she feels it too.

2bazookas · 16/06/2023 12:13

she once told me she didn’t want to talk about my efforts ttc with a known donor (embryo adoption).

I think she's told you why she's not communicating about the result.

Some people have very strong feelings about financial surrogacy.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 12:26

2bazookas · 16/06/2023 12:13

she once told me she didn’t want to talk about my efforts ttc with a known donor (embryo adoption).

I think she's told you why she's not communicating about the result.

Some people have very strong feelings about financial surrogacy.

Eh?

OP posts:
Snoken · 16/06/2023 12:43

@2bazookas I think that might be it too. She is not behind the methods used to conceive this child which I am guessing were because of OPs high age. Not everyone thinks it's very ethical, the same with any type of surrogacy.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 12:54

There was no surrogacy! I adopted a frozen embryo from a clinic abroad that the original parents wanted to donate to someone else.

I originally started ttc with a friend about 10 years ago before she was first pregnant but wanted a baby. That's when she told me to not talk ttc, not recently.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 16/06/2023 12:57

Did you bang on and on and on about pregnancy to the exclusion of all else? One of my friends did this and it became very wearing. I could have grown a green head and she would still have just wanted to talk about pregnancy and then the most amazing baby in the world 🙄 Did you have two way conversations? Do you know what going on in her life?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/06/2023 12:58

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 12:26

Eh?

Show quote history

That poster is suggesting your supposed friend doesn’t a green with ‘purchasing’ embryos/donation.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 13:00

ShandaLear · 16/06/2023 12:57

Did you bang on and on and on about pregnancy to the exclusion of all else? One of my friends did this and it became very wearing. I could have grown a green head and she would still have just wanted to talk about pregnancy and then the most amazing baby in the world 🙄 Did you have two way conversations? Do you know what going on in her life?

Nope. I did not. I made a big effort to not dominate the conversation with my pregnancy.

OP posts:
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