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Original poster

Haven't heard from friend since I gave birth.

45 replies

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 10:51

I have been friends with a girl for over 15 years from when I lived down south. I moved back home to Scotland 10 years ago but we have always kept in touch - initially by phone and occasional meet ups but now by WhatsApp every few months; we always send birthday and Christmas cards. We both have daughters of similar age (7&8) and I’ve recently had another girl a few weeks ago at the age of 47 as a result of embryo adoption.
She has been a bit funny about my pregnancy journey in the past; she once told me she didn’t want to talk about my efforts ttc with a known donor when I first started trying. Then a few years ago she didn’t respond when I messaged her to say I’d had a failed ivf.
I was nervous about announcing my pregnancy to ger over WhatsApp but she responded positively. However, that was over 4 months ago I haven’t heard from her since. I thought I’d hear from her in my last trimester but nothing. She posted a comment when I announced my babies birth 5 weeks ago on FB but she hasn’t reached out in any other way - no card or message.
I’m a bit perturbed and annoyed tbh. She got pregnant first and I had to grit my teeth and congratulate her all the way through ger pregnancy even though I felt jealous and upset as up to that point my effort ttc had failed. She has mentioned she would have liked a second baby if her current relationship was more serious but at 45 she’s running out of time. If the tables were turned I would have at least messaged her! I have a feeling that I'm not going to hear from her again 😢.
Has anyone else experienced a cold or lukewarm response from a friend like this?
Not sure how to react!

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 16/06/2023 13:01

Have you actually messaged/phoned her directly and asked her how she is?

Snoken · 16/06/2023 13:08

OP in a way this was a surrogate pregnancy. You have carried a baby made by two other people and who is carrying their DNA. The issues for the child remains the same as in any surrogacy case in the sense that they are not related to you and their parents are out there somewhere but they are denied that relationship. It's really not the same as adopting another child who is in need of a new family, I noticed you used the term embryo adoption. Instead you chose to create a new life who wouldn't have a connection with their birth parents. I can see why that would be difficult for some people to come to terms with.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 13:13

Snoken - the bio parents wanted to donate the embryo! It was either that or have the embryo destroyed or given to research. The child can get the bio parents details when they reach 18, just like in most traditional adoptions.

Anyway, like I said, my friend has been funny about me trying to conceive for years before I had any of my children!

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 16/06/2023 13:26

When I was at college (left when I was 21/22 I had a very close friend and about 1-2 years after leaving college she had a baby and I went to see her a couple of times but then lost contact. I think deep down I didn’t expect her to get pregnant (she wasn’t trying but wasn’t not trying, she was applying for permanent office jobs) and it took me by surprise a bit. Also when she had had her baby naturally she was new to everything and I wasn’t sure how to support her as a friend. About 6 months after this my best friend gave birth to her first baby at 24/25. This friend moved to near where my other friend lived and asked about me putting them in contact which I was going to do but then the friend who’d moved got involved in a relationship with a domestic abuser and I didn’t think it’d be fair for my other friend to possibly witness etc.

I was living the other side of London to both of them and was caught up in my own world which didn’t include babies. My other best friend had got pregnant and had babies at 18 and 20.

I think in your case OP the fact you’ve had a baby via an embryo from abroad and your friend said she didn’t agree with that is one of the reasons she may not be in touch with you.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 14:46

Gonnagetgoinng - she never said she didn't agree with embryo adoption! She was initially congratulatory when I told her but has since went lukewarm (apart from commenting my FB posts).

OP posts:
BellyBeGone · 16/06/2023 14:58

It’s either down to how you became pregnant or the age that you chose to.
Or she’s just got her own life going on 🤷‍♀️

CovertImage · 16/06/2023 15:08

Snoken · 16/06/2023 13:08

OP in a way this was a surrogate pregnancy. You have carried a baby made by two other people and who is carrying their DNA. The issues for the child remains the same as in any surrogacy case in the sense that they are not related to you and their parents are out there somewhere but they are denied that relationship. It's really not the same as adopting another child who is in need of a new family, I noticed you used the term embryo adoption. Instead you chose to create a new life who wouldn't have a connection with their birth parents. I can see why that would be difficult for some people to come to terms with.

In a way this was NOT a surrogate pregnancy. That's a crap thing to say to OP

MiddleParking · 16/06/2023 15:11

Lots of people take issue with embryo donation and lots of people would take issue with someone (especially somebody with a 7/8 year old) going so far out of their way to get pregnant age 47. It sounds very much like your friend falls into one of those categories, maybe also mixed with a bit of resentment that you’ve got the second child she felt she was too old to have. Plus it sounds like you’d been drifting apart anyway.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 16/06/2023 16:03

Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 14:46

Gonnagetgoinng - she never said she didn't agree with embryo adoption! She was initially congratulatory when I told her but has since went lukewarm (apart from commenting my FB posts).

Oh ok. But I think she’s sensitive about talking about pregnancy journeys and you also said she didn’t want to talk about donor. Some people are more sensitive re this.

2bazookas · 16/06/2023 16:19

@Heidi3333 · Today 12:54
There was no surrogacy! I adopted a frozen embryo from a clinic abroad that the original parents wanted to donate to someone else.

You were the gestational surrogate of an embryo you obtained from a clinic abroad. No doubt you paid the clinic a fee for that transaction.

MiddleParking · 16/06/2023 16:24

2bazookas · 16/06/2023 16:19

@Heidi3333 · Today 12:54
There was no surrogacy! I adopted a frozen embryo from a clinic abroad that the original parents wanted to donate to someone else.

You were the gestational surrogate of an embryo you obtained from a clinic abroad. No doubt you paid the clinic a fee for that transaction.

And the biological parents might have been incentivised on the cost of their own fertility treatment to donate the embryo Sad

SunflowerTed · 16/06/2023 16:29

I think she probably doesn’t agree with your baby making efforts and wants to distance herself

SparklingLime · 16/06/2023 16:50

You don't seem to have answered whether or not you have asked her about her life lately?

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 16:56

SparklingLime · 16/06/2023 16:50

You don't seem to have answered whether or not you have asked her about her life lately?

I messaged her last time and asked all about her work, love life etc. I make sure the conversation is two-sided. I'm not self-obsessed.

OP posts:
blacksax · 16/06/2023 17:02

You could always phone her.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/06/2023 17:21

You were the gestational surrogate

I thought a surrogate carried a baby for others.

Is op not an adoptive parent (who adopted and carried an embryo rather than a surrogate.

dooneyousmugelf · 16/06/2023 17:58

You're not close friends and she didn't really approve of your pregnancy journey, as you said. So I don't know what more in addition to her FB comment, you can realistically expect from her?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/06/2023 18:12

If you didn't want the friendship to fizzle out, why haven't you contacted her recently?
It's a bit immature to " keep count" of who messaged last
This is what teenagers do
Unless you contact her, you won't know if she has stuff going on

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/06/2023 18:18

dooneyousmugelf · 16/06/2023 17:58

You're not close friends and she didn't really approve of your pregnancy journey, as you said. So I don't know what more in addition to her FB comment, you can realistically expect from her?

Hmm I think this is probably a good guess 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 18/06/2023 12:07

Thanks for the replies.

I'm just going to let things slip with her now. The friendship obviously means more to me than her and I don't want anything one-sided.
I'll leave lines of communication open but I don't expect to her directly (not on FB) again 😢.

OP posts:
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