Not sure I can live with DP - mess/disorganisation

[Menelope]

I love my DP we do not live together, we can’t afford it as we both have our own kids so we decided to just save up where we can for the future one day. We swap around sleeping at each others houses on various evenings but both of us prefer our own homes and we spend less and less time together, not sleeping in the same place very often. Do you think we are incompatible? How do you manage this?

I have a cat and DP is mildly allergic to it. This is why he doesn’t stay at mine as much although my house is bigger. My house is generally clean and tidy as it helps me focus, I don’t like not being able to find things. I don’t ever nit pick at him for anything if he is in my house but he acts like I do, afraid to mess anything up. I have no problem if things get messed up, kitchens get messy when you use them and I just clear it up after. After dinner I would clear up then sit down for the evening. He would just leave everything and intend to do it another time. My kids have messy rooms which are their responsibility but we all keep our communal areas reasonably tidy together. If he’s at my house he would help me clear up the kitchen if we cooked together. I like to start my weekend by getting up early and doing laundry/cleaning for an hour or 2 then I have the whole weekend free to go do things. He never does this and lies in bed. He works less hours than I do so has more time than I do.

DP’s place is so chaotic it feels claustrophobic, it’s smaller than mine so all the things everywhere make it feel tiny. I have no space for anything at his house and if I did, I would struggle to find them each time so I never leave anything there. He never puts laundry away, it’s just piled up all over the house. He has papers and stuff everywhere on every surface. He can often go weeks not tidying anything up at all so it looks like a bomb has gone off. His kids never clear anything up either. They drop everything on the floor or throw it somewhere. He doesn’t mind this although he always seems stressed and can’t find things and often has to ask me where I have seen something (and I usually can remember it weirdly). I did used to try to help him out, but he says I don’t need to do now I don’t. He isn’t ‘dirty’ as in he will change the sheets and he does laundry so they wear clean clothes. His fridge and cupboards though everything is gone off or falling out onto the floor.

I don’t think I could live with him like this, coming home to an absolute mess caused by him/kids and he doesn’t really think it’s important so they wouldn’t clear it up, even though he can never find anything and is always stressed about it, or him being afraid of me getting annoyed and not really being happy living with me judging his mess. Would I just end up endlessly stressed? Am I too uptight? No one really likes housework I get that, but he almost seems to be adverse to the concept of it actually benefitting your life. I don’t even think there is a compromise although I would settle for a set day a week where we tackled mess and cleared it up, I think this would soon slide and it would be me doing it for my own benefit. 😞

He's a shit neglectful Dad. How can you be in a relationship with someone knowing that they choose to let their kids live like this?

It doesn't sound like this is really working out for either of you. Why don't you just call it a day, it might be a relief for you both.

I agree with your last post. you need to find ways to put yourself at the centre of your own life. That's more important than thinking about this man any more. It might not work out with him - or it might. But do things that make you happy anyway and see whether there is room for him in your life or not.

I need a reasonable level of constant tidiness to not feel stressed and frazzled and my DP is more of the type to let things be, and then blitz. I sometimes worry that we are not compatible - for instance - I hardly ever have to clear the table to lay it to eat, because whatever was on there was tidied up by the person when they finished what they were doing; at his house, you always clear the table before you eat because the person just got up and left what they were doing on the table. It's not dirty, it's not gross, it's just not my style and I sometimes worry about the future as honestly I wouldn't like it if it were my house. But. In the meantime, he makes me happy. You need to do things that make you happy.

@trytopullyoursocksup this is exactly what I am thinking.

Don’t move in with him op. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

I do get where you’re coming from. I love a tidy house (though it isn’t anywhere as neat and tidy as I’d like) and dh comes from a very messy/cluttered family that struggles to chuck out anything. I remember going to his parents’ house for the first time and worrying that the relationship could be a big mistake! My dh like yours doesn’t believe in spending lots of time cleaning and tidying. BUT when it comes to the kitchen and food he is quite fussy about cleanliness, and there is never anything that’s gone off in the fridge. And although his room (office - he wfh) is a total shit tip he does try (when asked!) with all the communal areas of the house, because he knows how much mess annoys me. What I’m saying is although I worried we were incompatible, we can compromise as a couple, whereas it doesn’t sound like you two would be able to

Aside from the mess and chaos it sounds like you have no future with this man @Menelope - imagine another 20/30 years of doing nothing when it’s just the two
of you. Another 20/30 years of nights like you had yesterday?

he has no motivation with his life, home or relationship with you. You deserve better. x

Too many red flags to ignore

You'd be mad to move in with him even if you didn't have kids.

You'd be irresponsible to move in with him, considering you do.

He won't change. This is who he is. So your kids and his will end up living in a home where one partner has completely reasonable expectations but is portrayed as a 'nag' due to the incompetence and selfishness of the other partner.

It's even worse that he's the man and you're the woman because it will reinforce to them that cleaning and chores are ultimately a woman's responsibility and a man can opt out of the bits he doesn't like even if it means a woman has to pick up after him.

And he isn't just messy, he's dirty, and I wouldn't want that modelled to my children.

He doesn't add enough to your life to counter the down sides of being with him. Nowhere close.

Raise your standards so that your children will also have healthy standards themselves as adults. You deserve more and so do they.

You definitely need to do more for you. Focusing on starting a hobby and making more friends will be great for your health and happiness. But I'm sorry to say he is dragging you down and hiding you back. I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was happy to spend time with an like that in a house like that (I nearly brought up my breakfast hearing about the soggy food bag and the fact you've stood in it more than once yet didn't run a mile?)

No. He's lazy and it's too much effort

And to be frank, he sounds revolting. I don't know how you can bear to stay there.

Run. Run away! Maybe not so extreme but… I had a house and my DH lived with his mother. He moved in after a few months and initially was great. His parents’ house has always been cluttered and similar to how you say your partner lives. Stuff everywhere. Mess left out for hours/overnight. I am very much like you. We bought a house together and had our DS. Everything changed with him. I am now exhausted because clutter and mess makes me anxious and I can’t relax in an untidy home. We now have 3 children and I am exhausted! I get that some people are tidy and others aren’t but have been thinking that maybe they shouldn’t live together! My DH is also the most laid back person so would happily sit back and watch me do everything. So I either sound like I’m nagging 24/7 or i run around cleaning like a nutter after teaching all day.

1. Do not under any circumstances move in with him.
2. Reassess the entire thing. You just aren't compatible. I wouldn't be wanting to spend half my life staying in someone else's house which sounds like a fucking shit tip and then when you suggest things to do together he rejects all suggestions and says he wants to go to the cinema with his mate.
3. You can do way better than this. There is absolutely no need to tolerate this for a moment longer.
4. If you are lonely that might be a possible reason why you are putting up with this so start a social hobby - don't ask him to suggest anything - find something for yourself.

But do things that make you happy anyway and see whether there is room for him in your life or not.

Probably my favourite relationship advice ever!
People often ask me if I'm looking for someone and seem surprised when I say I'm not, why are we only supposed to be happy in a relationship?! I'm sure it is that "norm" that sees people put up with being in ones that actually make them miserable. It would take someone very special turning up for me to want to change anything in my life to make room for someone else at the moment (when DC is older, who know).

OP, I don't think living together is the be all and end all, in fact I think it is quite healthy to retain your own spaces,.especially when their are children involved. But it doesn't sound like you guys are even enjoying the time you are spending together. What about this relationship improves your life compared to being single, if you feel lonely even when with him? I feel a bit like your post is almost looking for permission to break up with him for a "valid" reason. Simply not enjoying being with him is valid enough if that is the case!

I'm like Monica from Friends - a place for everything and everything in its place

My dh is your typical 'can't see the mess' person.

I chose him over a tidy house

I put up with his mess and I don't clear up after him

Example - he used to drop his dirty laundry on the floor literally one step away from the laundry basket. I didn't move it, and if it wasn't in the basket it didn't get washed. For 20 years he did this. We got a puppy who likes to eat things. He kept eating his clothes because they were on the floor. I explained how expensive it would be if puppy got a blockage from his socks. It took him 5 months of this before he started putting his stuff in the basket.

So I don't know the answer. All I can say is I have learned to accept the mess. I'd rather have him + mess than not have him + tidy house.

Run, my late husband was a hoarder, he was quite happy with the situation. I wasn't. I like clean, tidy, knowing where things are. I had over 40 years of that. If you can't stand, clutter, filth, untidiness, general grunge then you will end up depressed and anxious. I did. I thought you had reached the end before I got to your exciting evening in front of the TV. For your own sake, end it, nothing compensates for your mental health.

This!
You are wasting your time.
Back off.
Do not ever live with this individual. You will be very unhappy and make him unhappy too. If he lives like this, what’s his personal hygiene like? Yuk.

I have during my almost sixty years been in a couple of relationships. The ending of them was because in the end I felt I had moved on/wanted to move on, that life is too short to spend debating whether someone will come round to my way of thinking. Sometimes, in my opinion, relationships/friends are for a moment in time. The moment passes and we should move on. It’s not always easy but I think you need to focus on you and your wants and needs. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

DONT LIVE WITH HIM.

I'm relatively tidy, like things in the right place and arranged nicely, clean when I have time and quite like it when I do.

My partner is a hoarder and does not see mess or dirt.

You will drive each other insane.

@Menelope

Your kids wouldn't be happy living like that, even though their bedrooms are a tip! Their home that they live in & bring their friends to us clean & tidy. Imagine them never feeling able to bring their friends home because it's a dirty stinking hole.

Do you want your kids acting like his?

His kitchen sounds disgusting & his bathroom.

he's a 'dirty' hoarder, not wanting the throw out actual rubbish & old food.

but all of that aside. He didn't want to do anything with you when you had a child free weekend, where you could literally do anything you wanted?!?? He wanted to go to the cinema with a friend & you didn't feel he wanted you there?!

why the actual fuck are you wasting your life on this bloke??

it's time to move ON, not in.

You sound quite self aware and have already identified the reason you are putting up with this even while everyone else in the thread facepalms and can't understand why you are staying. Because you are lonely and lacking hobbies and activities.

Mate, I have a feeling if you broaden your horizons and meets some new people, you won't look back. Genuinely I would also get some counselling to work out why your self esteem is so low you are putting up with this. But yes, definitely stop pushing at him to spend time with you and get out there and make your own fun. Be warned: when he senses you pulling away, he'll probably start making more effort. This isn't a sign to stay. He will never become clean and tidy. And I hope it's a given that you should never ever live with this man.
I disagree with the ADHD stuff as well, he sounds more autistic than ADHD cos of the food bag and silly bin rules. Regardless, leave him and make your way in life. There are good people out there if you have the courage to demand better for yourself.

^^ @ZeppelinTits and others have this.

This is not about bins or filth although all that must be hard. The relationship has run its course and you think staying is better than being alone.

It’s the worst type of loneliness. Find those hobbies and new friends and focus on yourself.

Your updates make me feel itchy and uncomfortable. If you like him then have a relationship with him ( personally you can do far better) but don't ever move in with him or let him move in with you. Chaos is tedious. It causes huge amounts of stress and extra work and is usually caused by people who are happy to sit back and let other adults deal with it all.

My dp is same .. generally clean but messy, will cook and leave pots over night, leaves pots in sink even though we have a dishwasher, can’t put dirty or clean clothes away .. always losing stuff it drives me crackers and I do spend a lot of the weekend cleaning up after him and 3 kids… he is better than he used to be but I don’t think they change. I can live with that as he works long hours and I’m part time so do have more time i think id end up resenting him if he had more time than me and I was left to do it all so have a good think if you can do it without getting annoyed or resentful as it will cause arguments i wouldn’t bank on him changing his ways.

I’m not going to try to diagnose anyone with ADHD or tackle the wider point about whether OP annd partner are compatible for each other but this is just such a ridiculous thing to say.

I have ADHD and often ask my partner if he has seen my phone, wallet, keys, book etc (and like OP he often has!). I also ask him to open stuck jars and lift things that are too heavy.

I help him read text that’s too small if he hasn’t got his specs, write anything that demands neat handwriting and read maps.

People who care about each other help each other out with things they each find difficult.

I’m not going to pretend it’s always a picnic living with my ADHD but honestly asking for a bit of help finding misplaced items is not “an inability to deal with my own issues”.

He can often go weeks not tidying anything up at all so it looks like a bomb has gone off. ... He doesn’t mind this although he always seems stressed and can’t find things and often has to ask me where I have seen something

I have ADHD and often ask my partner if he has seen my phone, wallet, keys, book etc (and like OP he often has!). I also ask him to open stuck jars and lift things that are too heavy.

My comment was not about people with ADHD; it was about OP's partner. OP thinks he does not have ADHD. My point was that even if he did have ADHD, that would not be the problem here. The problem would be him choosing to make his home a total pigsty, not cleaning for weeks on end, making it even harder for himself to find stuff - and thus making OP spend time looking for things that he might have found if he had cleaned up, say, once a week.

asking for a bit of help finding misplaced items is not “an inability to deal with my own issues”
I didn't say that OP's partner was unable to deal with his issues (let alone everyone with ADHD who asks for help!) I said I think he is able to deal with them, but can't be arsed! OP says as much later:

When we first met he would always spent time clearing up to make it nice when I visited but now he’s got comfy I am greeted with 6 weeks worth of complete crap on every surface when I visit.