I love my DP we do not live together, we can’t afford it as we both have our own kids so we decided to just save up where we can for the future one day. We swap around sleeping at each others houses on various evenings but both of us prefer our own homes and we spend less and less time together, not sleeping in the same place very often. Do you think we are incompatible? How do you manage this?
I have a cat and DP is mildly allergic to it. This is why he doesn’t stay at mine as much although my house is bigger. My house is generally clean and tidy as it helps me focus, I don’t like not being able to find things. I don’t ever nit pick at him for anything if he is in my house but he acts like I do, afraid to mess anything up. I have no problem if things get messed up, kitchens get messy when you use them and I just clear it up after. After dinner I would clear up then sit down for the evening. He would just leave everything and intend to do it another time. My kids have messy rooms which are their responsibility but we all keep our communal areas reasonably tidy together. If he’s at my house he would help me clear up the kitchen if we cooked together. I like to start my weekend by getting up early and doing laundry/cleaning for an hour or 2 then I have the whole weekend free to go do things. He never does this and lies in bed. He works less hours than I do so has more time than I do.
DP’s place is so chaotic it feels claustrophobic, it’s smaller than mine so all the things everywhere make it feel tiny. I have no space for anything at his house and if I did, I would struggle to find them each time so I never leave anything there. He never puts laundry away, it’s just piled up all over the house. He has papers and stuff everywhere on every surface. He can often go weeks not tidying anything up at all so it looks like a bomb has gone off. His kids never clear anything up either. They drop everything on the floor or throw it somewhere. He doesn’t mind this although he always seems stressed and can’t find things and often has to ask me where I have seen something (and I usually can remember it weirdly). I did used to try to help him out, but he says I don’t need to do now I don’t. He isn’t ‘dirty’ as in he will change the sheets and he does laundry so they wear clean clothes. His fridge and cupboards though everything is gone off or falling out onto the floor.
I don’t think I could live with him like this, coming home to an absolute mess caused by him/kids and he doesn’t really think it’s important so they wouldn’t clear it up, even though he can never find anything and is always stressed about it, or him being afraid of me getting annoyed and not really being happy living with me judging his mess. Would I just end up endlessly stressed? Am I too uptight? No one really likes housework I get that, but he almost seems to be adverse to the concept of it actually benefitting your life. I don’t even think there is a compromise although I would settle for a set day a week where we tackled mess and cleared it up, I think this would soon slide and it would be me doing it for my own benefit. 😞