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Original poster

How to let down guy

46 replies

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 04:35

I started to use OLD for the first time a few months ago. Started chatting to a bloke and went on one date, we have kept texting but not managed to meet up again. He is a nice chap and we get on well, but I want to extract myself from the regular messaging now. It was daily but I've stopped replying for a few days. Every day or every other day I'll get a long but lovely message about what he has been upto, and I've started to just send back a couple of sentences.

I don't want to do this dance anymore but don't want to be rude or upset him. What can I say so that I let him down gently? The truth is I've been seeing someone (very early days as only been a month) but I don't want to be texting this guy while starting out with the other guy! Do I tell guy 1 I've met someone? Or just keep sending very little until he gets the hint (that doesn't feel right to me though and I'd hate someone doing that back to me!)

Help!

OP posts:
Theos · 16/06/2023 04:52

Just say it’s run it’s course thank you and bye

Original poster
IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 05:07

How exactly do I word it? I'm a massive people pleaser and get worried I'll upset someone or they'll think badly of me so this is very hard for me to do! What shall I say word for word?

OP posts:
evuscha · 16/06/2023 05:33

I would be honest and say something along the lines of “you’re a great guy but I started seeing someone and would like to take things further with him”….it’s nice of you to be considerate as most people just ghost/let things fizzle out if not interested in someone OLD. (which drove me mad) I think telling him you’ve met someone is fair enough.

pinkfondu · 16/06/2023 05:51

His reaction is not your responsibility.

It's been really good getting to know you, but I don't see us taking this any further. Good luck with dating.

And then block!

AgentJohnson · 16/06/2023 06:18

I'm a massive people pleaser and get worried I'll upset someone or they'll think badly of me so this is very hard for me to do

I personally think you should be spending your time working through your issues rather than dating because people pleasing, isn’t a trait that contributes to healthy relationships.

Do the work now!

Plbrookes · 16/06/2023 06:25

What @evuscha said is perfect! Be up front and honest.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 16/06/2023 06:41

Are you sure you are a people pleaser, though?
Talking to one guy and been dating another for a MONTH (!) doesn’t sound like you are.

MrsRickAstley · 16/06/2023 06:47

If you've only had one date there must be a very good reason.

Maybe it suited for a while?

I'd just say happy to be friends but nothing more. Possibly he's met someone else too.

Original poster
IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 08:34

I'm in therapy at the moment about a number of issues including my disposition to go along with stuff I'm not keen on to keep others happy.

What's the issue with casually dating and talking and having drinks with a few nice people, then letting the others down gently when you start feeling like a particular relationship is going well and might progress? Genuine question @IsThereAnEchoInHere.

OP posts:
IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 08:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Theos · 16/06/2023 08:53

You’re overthinking this, just send a message and get on with the rest of your life

Plbrookes · 16/06/2023 09:02

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

That's good! Treats the other person with respect and means you can both move on feeling good about things!

Mxflamingnoravera · 16/06/2023 10:07

As you'll never have to see or hear from him again, you really don't need to worry. Just do it.

WunWun · 16/06/2023 10:13

I really wouldn't tell him you've started seeing someone. There's no need and it will just upset him unnecessarily. You say you haven't managed to meet up, but he obviously wants to or he wouldn't still be messaging. Don't you think he will be wondering how you've managed to meet up with the new guy?

I would just say the first bit then say you have a lot on your plate ATM and don't want to lead him on. It was really lovely to meet him but you don't think you can keep in touch. Take care, all the best etc

SaxSick · 16/06/2023 10:16

You must not have been very keen on him if you only met him once so just send the message.

Watchkeys · 16/06/2023 10:19

How do you think the people pleasing will affect your new relationship? For example, if your new guy feels like doing something that you don't want to do, how will that play out?

Bansheed · 16/06/2023 10:36

FFS. Just say, it has run it's course and block him. It is not a relationship. it is a mild pen pal sitch used to kill time.

"Hey, had a great time texting for the last few months but this doesn't work for me anymore. Sorry and goodluck"

Block. Immediately, do not wait for a response

Plbrookes · 16/06/2023 10:40

Bansheed · 16/06/2023 10:36

FFS. Just say, it has run it's course and block him. It is not a relationship. it is a mild pen pal sitch used to kill time.

"Hey, had a great time texting for the last few months but this doesn't work for me anymore. Sorry and goodluck"

Block. Immediately, do not wait for a response

Or ... you could try treating people with respect so you both come out of it with positive feelings. FFS.

Original poster
IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 11:31

@WunWun, yes I think he will wonder how I've managed to meet the other guy, but it just seems our diaries have managed to line up better and I suppose we both put more effort in.

I don't want to block and just say "thanks but no thanks". I think that would upset me if I got that kind of message. I'll just send the first bit and leave out I've met someone but perhaps if he pushes it, I'll add it in.

Thanks for the advice (mostly!)

OP posts:
JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 11:58

I'm in therapy at the moment about a number of issues tell him this and that your therapist has advised against dating.

ThatFraggle · 16/06/2023 12:01

JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 11:58

I'm in therapy at the moment about a number of issues tell him this and that your therapist has advised against dating.

It is none of his business.

"Dan, it's been nice chatting but I don't think this is going to go further. Best of luck with dating."

If he asks why, just say you don't think it's a good fit.

If he keeps pressing, block.

sonjadog · 16/06/2023 12:03

Just tell him you’ve met someone else and would like to concentrate on that, but that you wish him all the best.

Honestly if someone I went on one date with didn’t tell me they were dating someone so as to spare my feelings, I would think they had one hell of an ego on them.

ThatFraggle · 16/06/2023 12:04

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 08:34

I'm in therapy at the moment about a number of issues including my disposition to go along with stuff I'm not keen on to keep others happy.

What's the issue with casually dating and talking and having drinks with a few nice people, then letting the others down gently when you start feeling like a particular relationship is going well and might progress? Genuine question @IsThereAnEchoInHere.

*What's the issue with casually dating and talking and having drinks with a few nice people, then letting the others down gently when you start feeling like a particular relationship is going well and might progress? Genuine question

>then letting the others down gently

The problem is that you're not able to do that. You can't even detach from someone who you've just been texting.

What about someone you've been on ten dates with? Someone you've kissed.

Spend 12 months single, working on your issues, then you will be in a better place to recognise and be part of a healthy relationship.

hugefanofcheese · 16/06/2023 12:04

I think that message is perfect, it's honest and polite and mentioning you've now met someone means he won't make a fool of himself still popping up now and again. He will know to drop it completely. If he'd put as much effort into making things happen in real life as texting then he may not be receiving the message so don't feel bad. Not meant to be. Good luck with the new man!

hugefanofcheese · 16/06/2023 12:06

ThatFraggle · 16/06/2023 12:04

*What's the issue with casually dating and talking and having drinks with a few nice people, then letting the others down gently when you start feeling like a particular relationship is going well and might progress? Genuine question

>then letting the others down gently

The problem is that you're not able to do that. You can't even detach from someone who you've just been texting.

What about someone you've been on ten dates with? Someone you've kissed.

Spend 12 months single, working on your issues, then you will be in a better place to recognise and be part of a healthy relationship.

Show quote history

Who says she's not able? She's just asking for a bit of advice and has drafted a really good text.

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