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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to let down guy

46 replies

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 04:35

I started to use OLD for the first time a few months ago. Started chatting to a bloke and went on one date, we have kept texting but not managed to meet up again. He is a nice chap and we get on well, but I want to extract myself from the regular messaging now. It was daily but I've stopped replying for a few days. Every day or every other day I'll get a long but lovely message about what he has been upto, and I've started to just send back a couple of sentences.

I don't want to do this dance anymore but don't want to be rude or upset him. What can I say so that I let him down gently? The truth is I've been seeing someone (very early days as only been a month) but I don't want to be texting this guy while starting out with the other guy! Do I tell guy 1 I've met someone? Or just keep sending very little until he gets the hint (that doesn't feel right to me though and I'd hate someone doing that back to me!)

Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 12:42

@IsThereAnEchoInHere your original message implied it was out of order to be in the situation I'm in at all for anyone, not just because you think I've personally got attachment issues. You said I wasn't a people pleaser as a result. So are you saying that generally it's fine for that approach otherwise? I'm genuinely curious.

I don't have attachment issues, I just want to let this chap down gently. He has been presumably wanting to meet me again but I'm going to tell him outright I don't want to do that and I just want to spare his feelings as best as I can.

Thanks everyone else for advice.

OP posts:

TotalBlamBlam · 16/06/2023 13:14

Don't tell him you've met somebody. There's no need and it could complicate matters.

"Hi, it's been nice chatting with you recently but I don't think this is going to go further. All the best for the future"

Job done.

Original poster

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 13:16

I've sent it, left out I'd met someone, deleted him from WhatsApp but he can reply if he'd like. Appreciate the support!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 16/06/2023 13:18

You are at once saying you don't know how to unattach, and that you don't have attachment issues. You are actively having an attachment issue, right now. That's what you're asking for advice about. Wanting to spare someone's feelings to the point where you have to ask for advice on how to say 'It's been lovely talking to you, good luck in the future' is having attachment issues.

I think it sounds a bit like denial. Many, many of us have this kind of stuff going on. Having an issue with it isn't rare, or bad. You're being nice, to the extent that the only person who feels anything negative is you. I think you might need to accept that that's an issue with attachment, before you can move forward.

Justputitdown · 16/06/2023 13:20

Be honest and kind. He'll get over it.

Bansheed · 16/06/2023 13:24

Plbrookes · 16/06/2023 10:40

Or ... you could try treating people with respect so you both come out of it with positive feelings. FFS.

Show quote history

Meh. I did OLD for two years, in my 40s. You learn exactly how many men behave and rely on how we kill ourselves to be polite and kind. That got me into far more hot water and tricky situations than being politely assertive did. I received texts like "No, i felt chemistry, i deserve a chance" from a man who had completely lied about his life, to another who turned up 20 years older and two stone heavier than his photos who lost his shit on me when i wouldn't go home with him and sent me texts about oral rape.

There are also the endless texters, who ultimately string you along. It is much better to meet for a quick coffee, establish if you want to date and then move on from there.

I am getting married shortly and my DP let me know as soon as we met that he was interested and moved things along at a respectful, fun, acceptable pace.

OP good luck, well done on calling the situation out because it made you uncomfortable. I think that sounds like you have made progress!

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 16/06/2023 13:35

My go to text ‘I had a great time with you and I really enjoy your company, but the chemistry just isn’t right’

Be polite, be direct, be honest, be kind. Don’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong and a ‘I’m so sorry’ is likely to make him feel like a giant doofus. In short, treat people the way you’d like to be treated on OLD.

Plbrookes · 16/06/2023 14:10

Bansheed · 16/06/2023 13:24

There are also the endless texters, who ultimately string you along. It is much better to meet for a quick coffee, establish if you want to date and then move on from there.

I am getting married shortly and my DP let me know as soon as we met that he was interested and moved things along at a respectful, fun, acceptable pace.

OP good luck, well done on calling the situation out because it made you uncomfortable. I think that sounds like you have made progress!

Show quote history

Maybe you count sending one polite message as 'killing yourself to be polite and kind'. Be polite, give them the chance to be polite back, and block immediately if they're not.

cassiatwenty · 16/06/2023 16:47

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

👌

Cupcakekiller · 16/06/2023 18:16

It's kinder to tell him sooner rather than stringing him along.

WunWun · 16/06/2023 21:28

Did he reply?

Original poster

IceCreamWoes · 16/06/2023 21:49

He did, he said he also enjoyed getting to know me and said I had his number if I wanted to get in touch in the future. He wished me all the best.

Really nice reply so think my message hit the right note too it seems. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

WunWun · 16/06/2023 21:52

Ah, that's good :)

cheshirebloke · 16/06/2023 22:20

WunWun · 16/06/2023 10:13

I really wouldn't tell him you've started seeing someone. There's no need and it will just upset him unnecessarily. You say you haven't managed to meet up, but he obviously wants to or he wouldn't still be messaging. Don't you think he will be wondering how you've managed to meet up with the new guy?

I would just say the first bit then say you have a lot on your plate ATM and don't want to lead him on. It was really lovely to meet him but you don't think you can keep in touch. Take care, all the best etc

In the OP's circumstances, I'd rather be told it was because they'd met someone else than say they'd rather just be single. It's only 1 date in, not like dumping someone from a committed relationship. No rational person is going to get an arse on at that.

Otherwise, I'd feel like they'd been stringing me along for a month by carrying on the conversation that long after a first date and then just saying sorry I'm not interested. It also risks leaving them thinking there's a chance they might be able to talk you round. Whereas telling them you're seeing someone else is firmly shutting the door on things.

GentlemanJay · 16/06/2023 22:40

pinkfondu · 16/06/2023 05:51

His reaction is not your responsibility.

It's been really good getting to know you, but I don't see us taking this any further. Good luck with dating.

And then block!

That's the way to do it. Don't let him invest anymore time on you. You are not interested.

Watchkeys · 17/06/2023 14:47

@Bansheed So you think that because you met some men who crossed your boundaries, we should all be advised to cut all men off rudely.

There's really no need. You haven't 'learnt what men are like' or 'what men do', and if you think you have, it's a shame that that's what you're taking away from your experiences.

OP, just tell him it's been nice chatting, and wish him all the best. Don't treat him like someone who has crossed your boundaries just because some men do that to some women sometimes.

guineacup · 17/06/2023 18:11

OP, if you are struggling so hard to end things with a guy you had one single date with, then how on Earth will you manage with your man. Obviously I'm not wishing it to fail, but the chances of you being together forever at this very early stage are very small...

WunWun · 17/06/2023 18:33

guineacup · 17/06/2023 18:11

Boring.

Original poster

IceCreamWoes · 17/06/2023 21:16

I wasn't struggling to end things, I was struggling how to word ending things by text so I asked advice about how best to phrase it. The ending of it was fine 🙄 I just didn't know what to say as I've not had to do it before.

I don't necessarily want to be together forever with the new bloke, I just didn't want to be texting other blokes while things seem to be going nicely with him 🤷

OP posts:

Plbrookes · 17/06/2023 21:51

@IceCreamWoes You behaved like a decent person and so did that guy. Perfect! and well done!

cassiatwenty · 19/06/2023 13:04

Any more tips @GentlemanJay ? 😉

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