Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if an old friend got in touch and told you they were a prostitute?

44 replies

Whatonmars · 15/06/2023 21:02

Will call friend B for ease.

B and I have known each other since we were 3 and been best friends since we were 10. We were very close throughout secondary school, practically inseparable and I have lots of wonderful memories with him. He’s a gay man and I’m a straight woman for reference, never anything remotely romantic (just wanted to clear that up).

After secondary we went to different colleges with me following the academia route and him his passion for dance. He did very well with dance and was cast in a Matthew Bourne production at 20 so super impressive. I stuck with academia and am now a uni lecturer so have basically dedicated my life to that. Different lives and routes but we always remained supportive, close friends until around 5 years ago.

I was about to have DC1, had just moved houses and towns and was supporting DH with his career pursuits whilst juggling my own so a lot going on. B was still living his usual party lifestyle which is obviously fine but very different from me and we just drifted apart as a result. Obviously a lot has happened since with the pandemic, I had another child, we renovated our home etc so time has sort of got away from me. I’ve thought about him often and wondered how he was but you know how it is, the longer you leave something the harder it gets.

Anyway, he reached out to me out of the blue today which was lovely. I was excited to hear what he was doing with himself because he’s a talented person and when he told me he was living in London, I was sure he’d either be dancing or following one of his other creative pursuits. He’s a great photographer and fab at editing and is talented at games design too so I’d always wondered if he might be doing something along those lines.

I was absolutely astounded when he told me he was an escort and tried to sell it to me like it was an empowering, incredible thing to do. He even told me about his pimp who he refers to as ‘Uncle C’… I’m so taken aback, I haven’t even replied because I don’t know what to say. He could have done so much with his life but he’s chosen to be an escort? What do I do with this information? He said he’s also done some porn videos and has an onlyfans account to make extra money. I can live with the only fans but an escort, really?! It is just a glorified prostitute, isn’t it? Just feel so shocked and upset that a talented guy like him is selling himself like this really, I feel like it’s completely self destructive behaviour. What should I say?

OP posts:
GottaGirlcrush · 15/06/2023 21:04

Hmmm

Original poster
Whatonmars · 15/06/2023 21:06

Yeah, I know it’s such an out there scenario that it might not seem real. I have name changed but am a long term MNer. Defoes not a troll or a bored kid, this has actually happened to me.

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 15/06/2023 21:06

I don't think you say anything in particular.

You sound like you've grown apart - do you want to be close friends again? If so, just go with the flow. Personally because I'm a boring old cow I just would wish him well and probably not be friends anymore.

Original poster
Whatonmars · 15/06/2023 21:08

I’ve always wondered how he was doing and because we were so close for so many years, there are times when you naturally reminisce or something reminds you of them and you think it would be great to catch up. When he got in touch I was genuinely excited to hear how he was doing so to find this out has come as a bit of a surprise to say the least.

We are different people but it hasn’t prevented us from being close friends in the past, just not sure I can get on board with this and act like it’s totally usual!

OP posts:
MovinOnUp · 15/06/2023 21:09

Was going to ask if you were Shirley Valentine but seeing as the friend is a bloke it kind of spoiled my joke.
I've no advice though.

violetcuriosity · 15/06/2023 21:09

I mean, what he does in his own time is up to him isn't it? Why would it be an issue? I think I'd be quite intrigued to learn more about being an escort and their lives. Must have some good stories.

Dotcheck · 15/06/2023 21:10

It’s not your life.
He's doing it because:
1- he’s desperate for cash
2- he struggles with his self worth
3- he enjoys it
( there may be other reasons, but those are the ones I can think of).

Is it really a deal breaker for you? Can you keep discussions open?

Personally, I’d have more issue with people who made money from unethical investments, or people who work for energy companies and get bonuses because of ‘record profits’.

Original poster
Whatonmars · 15/06/2023 21:12

I’m not a bored housewife either but that’s beside the point Wink.

I think I’m just disappointed that he could choose a number of things to pursue in life because he’s a talented guy yet he’s chosen this of all things. I’m also really worried about him doing this because it seems rather self destructive.

OP posts:
Yikesno · 15/06/2023 21:13

My best friend from school became a prostitute. I didn't have a problem with it really, but then she spiralled downhill into drugs, got arrested, kept asking me for money...and it was just really sad and too much. I gave her money once and after that always refused. So basically be prepared that this situation could potentially get a lot worse.

Cherryana · 15/06/2023 21:13

It’s going to be so difficult really because you have a protective impulse towards your friend but you know if you bring it up as anything other than supportive then he won’t be able to take the shame that your judgement will evoke in him.

(I am not saying your thoughts are not valid because personally I think they are).

I think due to the absence in your relationship- you haven’t really earned the right to speak into his situation.

You can choose to be friends at a distance and rebuild and one day voice your concerns or just let this friendship fall back away….

Original poster
Whatonmars · 15/06/2023 21:15

Cherryana · 15/06/2023 21:13

It’s going to be so difficult really because you have a protective impulse towards your friend but you know if you bring it up as anything other than supportive then he won’t be able to take the shame that your judgement will evoke in him.

(I am not saying your thoughts are not valid because personally I think they are).

I think due to the absence in your relationship- you haven’t really earned the right to speak into his situation.

You can choose to be friends at a distance and rebuild and one day voice your concerns or just let this friendship fall back away….

This is how I feel about it too. I know he’s going to become defensive if I’m honest about it but I equally don’t feel like I can lie and pretend it’s ok. Just really worried about his mental and also physical well-being.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 15/06/2023 21:18

You’re a mum with a family and normal lifestyle. He’s a prostitute who does porn and has an odd relationship with a pimp. He likely lives a chaotic lifestyle. It does not sound like your lives would mesh well. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s how it is.

mindutopia · 15/06/2023 21:21

Nothing really. I’ve had friends and colleagues who did sex work of various kinds (from escorting to porn to dominatrix). Not my personal cup of tea, but I’m not here to judge. None of them were down and out, on drugs, doing it because desperate for mone, none of those stereotypes. All quite middle class, professionals or postgrad students, was simply something they chose to do. I’d be open to talking with him about it if he wanted to, but mostly I’d just be a friend.

RoseLee04 · 15/06/2023 21:27

That's quite sad because as you say he had so much potential. We all have our boundaries and personally I think that if you are uncomfortable with his lifestyle and chosen "profession" in contrast with your lifestyle and values, he should also be understanding of this if he values you as a friend. I don't think it means that you can't be friends but I think you have a right to say listen, I can't support you with this or get too invested in this aspect of your life, but I still support you as a friend.

meringue33 · 15/06/2023 21:46

You have shared some potentially identifiable info about your friend here OP (I seem to see this a lot lately). Worth asking MN to take down the thread? It must feel awful if you find out someone is posting about you.

UneFoisAuChalet · 15/06/2023 21:52

Does it really matter? What he does for a living? He’s not your partner, brother, child, etc…so if he’s happy with his choice and he’s your friend - accept it and move on.

One of my best friends was an escort for roughly a year whilst when we in our early twenties. I thought the whole thing was grim but she was broke and had a child to support. Our lives were very different as I was a graduate living on my own in the city and the biggest decision I had to make was whether I went to the pub that night or the gym.

BUT she was my friend and I supported her. I offered options, listened after she had ‘bad’ nights working and was honest about how I felt regarding her choices. It was never ‘if you’re doing X, I can’t be your mate…’ She eventually stopped and bemoaned the lack of funds in her regular job but knew she was better off out of that crap.

Twenty years later and we’re still great friends. We never ever talk about that gig she had in ‘02 but we both know we can turn to each other with the dark side of life when the shit hits the fan. That’s what friends are for…

Dymaxion · 15/06/2023 21:55

I would be fascinated tbh, what are his clients like ? What sort of people are they, does he have regulars ? How does he keep safe, what cut does his pimp take, how much does he earn ? Has he had any uncomfortable encounters ? how long does he see himself doing this ? Does he have a partner and how do they feel about it ?

potentialmediator · 15/06/2023 22:13

The areas he’s talented in are artistic (dance, photography), it’s unlikely to regularly pay enough to afford living in London. Unless you’re hugely successful.
I doubt he’s completely thrown these aside to be an escort.
I think it’s interesting he’s told you so quickly after not much contact. Maybe he’d really value a friend who’s away from the scene he’s in? Im not assuming it’s a cry for help, it might be working great for him at mo but you never know. I don’t see why it should be an issue for the friendship unless you feel you’re both just not that connected any more (which you can be despite wildly different lifestyles, but only if still interested in each other and get on well).

PaintedEgg · 15/06/2023 22:14

I'd be curious about his job if he was willing to share details, bit otherwise I'd do nothing - like what could I do?

it's not like he's into pyramid scheme selling laxative teas

A303 · 15/06/2023 22:18

it's not like he's into pyramid scheme selling laxative teas

Naughty..

WesterChick · 15/06/2023 23:00

PaintedEgg · 15/06/2023 22:14

I'd be curious about his job if he was willing to share details, bit otherwise I'd do nothing - like what could I do?

it's not like he's into pyramid scheme selling laxative teas

Lol

ShandaLear · 15/06/2023 23:23

He’s your friend and what he chooses to do for a living is not harming you in any way. He’s still your friend, and maybe he could do with a friend.

Caraduneytunes · 16/06/2023 01:19

It makes me so sad … but this can happen to dancers :(
and I really don’t care if people want to say I’m judgmental for being sad - I’m still sad about it. It’s someone selling their body, and it can spiral into severe psychological damage they don’t even realize is happening.

if it were me I’d have to say the truth which is “I hope you are safe and take good care,” and then I’d let it go. If he says it is a wonderful life for him, take him at his word. If it’s upsetting to hear about, change the subject or let the conversation fade away.

you can love someone very much and still not have compatible lives.

Eleganz · 16/06/2023 08:20

I wouldn't be rushing to rekindle the friendship if I'm being honest. I'd exchange some pleasantries and just let the conversation dry up.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/06/2023 08:40

Keep your rather Judgemental thoughts to yourself would be my advice

he doesn’t need your concerns

Swipe left for the next trending thread