What would you do if an old friend got in touch and told you they were a prostitute?

[Whatonmars]

Will call friend B for ease.

B and I have known each other since we were 3 and been best friends since we were 10. We were very close throughout secondary school, practically inseparable and I have lots of wonderful memories with him. He’s a gay man and I’m a straight woman for reference, never anything remotely romantic (just wanted to clear that up).

After secondary we went to different colleges with me following the academia route and him his passion for dance. He did very well with dance and was cast in a Matthew Bourne production at 20 so super impressive. I stuck with academia and am now a uni lecturer so have basically dedicated my life to that. Different lives and routes but we always remained supportive, close friends until around 5 years ago.

I was about to have DC1, had just moved houses and towns and was supporting DH with his career pursuits whilst juggling my own so a lot going on. B was still living his usual party lifestyle which is obviously fine but very different from me and we just drifted apart as a result. Obviously a lot has happened since with the pandemic, I had another child, we renovated our home etc so time has sort of got away from me. I’ve thought about him often and wondered how he was but you know how it is, the longer you leave something the harder it gets.

Anyway, he reached out to me out of the blue today which was lovely. I was excited to hear what he was doing with himself because he’s a talented person and when he told me he was living in London, I was sure he’d either be dancing or following one of his other creative pursuits. He’s a great photographer and fab at editing and is talented at games design too so I’d always wondered if he might be doing something along those lines.

I was absolutely astounded when he told me he was an escort and tried to sell it to me like it was an empowering, incredible thing to do. He even told me about his pimp who he refers to as ‘Uncle C’… I’m so taken aback, I haven’t even replied because I don’t know what to say. He could have done so much with his life but he’s chosen to be an escort? What do I do with this information? He said he’s also done some porn videos and has an onlyfans account to make extra money. I can live with the only fans but an escort, really?! It is just a glorified prostitute, isn’t it? Just feel so shocked and upset that a talented guy like him is selling himself like this really, I feel like it’s completely self destructive behaviour. What should I say?

This.

@Whatonmars you seem overly invested in what you thought he should be doing in life.

He’s not harming you by his life choices. If he says he’s happy then surely you can accept that at face value?

I know 2 escorts that are happy doing the work and have a few regulars they see. I know a Barrister that left the profession to become a Dominatrix as it was a less stressful role and still payed well.

look beyond what he is doing and look at him himself. Is he still the easy to talk to friend? You don’t need to talk about work all the time with friends - unless you can’t find conversation beyond that?

It doesn’t necessarily prevent you being friends with him.

I wouldn’t assume he’s desperate and/or has no other options. I’ve known/know a couple (one also being an old friend from uni) that are fully qualified to do well paid normal jobs, but they can make the same or more in a fraction of the time. Granted, they didn’t have pimps though.

This has ‘happened to’ you? And you’re not sure if you can ‘get on board’ with it?

Are you for fucking real? If you weren’t so busy thinking about yourself and moralising over his choices you would be asking yourself why he has a pimp when he could operate through Adultwork or his OF account.

That’s what stands out to me. Why is ‘Uncle C’ taking his money? If you’re going to raise anything with him, raise that.

Not everyone wants to be like you OP. A growing number of people do not want what you have. Your friend went a different route and is now perhaps behaving self destructively but perhaps isn’t.

Just be his friend and be aware that your chosen route is so normalised it has lead you to believe that you’re entitled to judge him. You’re not. Just be there for him, be observant, ask him if he’s ok but for Christ’s sake don’t tell him whether you can or cannot accept him.

I would block him and distance yourself from him

I would not want or need anyone like this in my life

And is this barrister dominatrix who is ultra happy selling her body working for a pimp?

I don’t know why people love to pretend that selling your body for sex and sharing the proceeds of that with a man who takes charge (I mean what is a pimp other than someone stealing some of your money) is great and amazing and something everyone would like to do. The overwhelming majority of people selling their bodies for sex are not middle class professionals who just wanted to step down from legal work. The vast majority are vulnerable people being put at huge risk.

I don’t think she was speaking on the majority, just on the ones she knows.

Right. But in that case, applying that one unusual experience of a barrister who decided to start being a dominatrix instead as it’s less stressful and saying that means that op should ‘accept at face value’ that her friend is probably happy selling his body and sharing the money with a pimp is probably a bad idea.

My reading on it was that she was advising, at this point in time, to take him as the individual he is, rather than rely on preconceived notions that may or may not apply.

What do I do with this information?

Nothing.

I can live with the only fans but an escort, really?!

It's not your life so you don't have to "live with" anything.

What should I say?

Nothing.

Well, if you can't get past your judgmentalism - which I hope is just an initial reaction of shock - he probably doesn't need a friend like you in his life.

I've got friends who have previously (and a couple still currently) work in or adjacent to sex work and they're just people. They're not defined by their job and their job doesn't define their morality.

Would you judge someone who worked for an oil company polluting our planet or a right-wing newspaper that whipped up hate against minorities? Would you judge a business owner who exploited his workers? I can think of several more morally dubious lines of work than being an escort, yet they're usually deemed more socially acceptable.

Whether it's "great and amazing to do" is irrelevant.

Do you think cleaning toilets is "great and amazing"? Retail work where you're on your feet all day? Delivery work where every second you take is monitored? I could go on. A comfortable job that you realy think is amazing every day is a huge luxury. Most jobs aren't that pleasant but people find whatever satisfaction they can in them to pay the bills. I know sex workers and it's just the same for them. Good bits and shit bits. It's just a job but they're still people worthy of respect.

Being a cleaner or shop worker is nothing like prostitution. The unpleasant parts of working at M&S are not even vaguely in line with the unpleasant parts of being paid to do S&M.

Conflating them and acting like a person talking about their ‘uncle’ pimp is just the same as Julie who works at Tesco saying she’s knackered from stocking shelves is ridiculous.

And I think all people deserve to be treated with respect. I don’t think that respect extends to pretending someone with a pimp is not an extremely vulnerable person living in a dangerous lifestyle.

’Would you judge someone who worked for an oil company polluting our planet or a right-wing newspaper that whipped up hate against minorities? Would you judge a business owner who exploited his workers? I can think of several more morally dubious lines of work than being an escort, yet they're usually deemed more socially acceptable.’

I doubt that any of these things would even register with her.

She doesn’t have anyone else involved. No pimp. She doesn’t have sex. She’s a dominatrix. She’s in a position of power in the relationship.

🤐

Nothing.

A friend of mine is a prostitute. We don't talk about it.

I think you've given away far too much information that might make him identifiable.

He could have done so much with his life but he’s chosen to be an escort?

Well you haven't seen or spoke with him for years. How he has ended up here, is probably a very sad story if you delve deeper.

It wasn't his childhood dream now was it.

So using her (someone who is apparently in a position of power while being paid to do BDSM) as an example of why op should just ‘take it at face value’ that an old friend who is being used by a pimp is happy isn’t really a great idea.

This happened to me with an old (female) friend.
We got back in touch after not seeing each other for around ten years after I moved away.
She and her daughter came to stay for a while and it was a smashing visit.

She was doing OK out of it, sporting a breast enhancement, a nice car, and was sending her daughter to a good school. She planned to stop doing it once she was well enough set up financially.
This was in the early eighties, when cosmetic surgery was less common and there was no internet.
Sadly, we lost touch again after she moved to Spain. I hope she's still OK.

odd to see so many judgemental people faking concern when their advise is to cut contact