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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My relationship is sexless from his side

39 replies

SharkSip · 15/06/2023 18:41

My relationship is sexless. It became sexless about 6 months after our engagement. Not because I was a bridezilla because I wasn't. The sexlessness came in from his side. I put it down to us being busy and I didn't think much off it only time passed and it only ever continued.

He has an interest in sex because he can gain erections but he can't ever finish in me. Sex goes on for ever and he takes over.

This leaves me utterly hopeless and inadequate.

We went on holidays last year and it was the first holiday since the pandamic. I thought maybe a week together with little stresses to pull us away would help but I was wrong. Even a week's holiday and there was no sex.

I have given up from my side now because it was always very one sided.

He does loads of little things for me that says he loves me but the bedroom department is a complete failure.

I'm in a place now where I am going to be very busy over the next few more weeks and I really don't want to waste my time sleeping with him anymore. Not only wasting my time, it's too hot to have a partner beside me these nights and I am sleeping better without a duvet whereas he prefers to have a blanket or duvet.

He's looking to book another holiday but the very idea of such a thing fills me with sick. It's an ice idea. Get some time together on holidays but the idea of being smacked in the face with such sexlessness doesn't appeal to me.

Any time I tried to have sex with him, it was always me going on top and he was never able to maintain an erection for vaginal intercourse and he wouod take over and finish himself off.

My sex life is non existence and appalling. He wanted to rush through our engagement but there was something in my mind telling me to slow down.

Now I am dealing with this.
It seems as if maybe he faked an i Teresa in having sex at the start and as soon as he bagged me, it all dried up.

Now because it's been so long between us, I just don't feel like it any more between us.

I can't even remember the last time I even tried. I remember I even gave up before last year's holiday. I was too busy getting drunk drowning my sorrows in alcohol and trying to ease the pain of the sexless relationship.

OP posts:

jadey1991 · 15/06/2023 18:55

Hi op I couldn't just read and not day something.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Sounds like your going through a terrible time.

Have u tried saying something to him? Have thought told him how u feel?

Also when you say you go on top. After you have been on top are you saying his erection goes down?

Why would he want to finish himself off?

Original poster

SharkSip · 15/06/2023 18:59

jadey1991 · 15/06/2023 18:55

Hi op I couldn't just read and not day something.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Sounds like your going through a terrible time.

Have u tried saying something to him? Have thought told him how u feel?

Also when you say you go on top. After you have been on top are you saying his erection goes down?

Why would he want to finish himself off?

I don't know what happens. It keeps falling out and then it's some sort of a semi erection and that's that then. He finishes himself off.

OP posts:

Superdupes · 15/06/2023 19:03

This is unlikely to get better by itself, I think it would be best to call it a day here - definitely don't get married you will certainly regret it.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 15/06/2023 19:10

Just end it, he duped you into it, wont address it, and you're miserable. The sooner you free yourself the sooner you can met someone who will make you happy. And lessons learned, for you listen to your inner voice, and for him dont lie and fix your problems before dumping them onto someone else

Rec0veringAcademic · 15/06/2023 19:14

So he rushed you into getting engaged. 6 months later, he is incapable of having sex with you, but it doesn't bother him.
He is either gay/bisexual or has been hiding a serious issue. Now he has you in the bag, he thinks life is sorted.
I could not live like this.

Smallbirdgreengrass · 15/06/2023 19:18

Just end it. This should not even be a question. End it, learn from the experience and move on with your life.

Original poster

SharkSip · 15/06/2023 19:36

Rec0veringAcademic · 15/06/2023 19:14

He didn't rush an engagement. It happened after 18 months and to be honest it was out of the blue for me and in my experience it probably was too quick. I know couples who date for years before and engagement.

He didn't rush me into an engagement. He did try to rush wedding plans within a year but it was too soon for me. I had to stop it.

Within 6 months of the engagement, wahever we were having about 2/3 times a month went to once every 2 or 3 months.

Now it's nothing.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 15/06/2023 19:41

I don’t think things will improve from this situation and given you have the opportunity to leave, that’s what I would do now.

BlowDryRat · 15/06/2023 19:46

Assume he's not going to change, because it doesn't sound like he's bothered. It doesn't sound like you'll be happy with no sex for the rest of your life.

Valour · 15/06/2023 19:50

Sounds like the death grip to me. I once had a bf who had been single for a good while and had got used to masturbating, usually to porn- he was unable to finish inside me (or any other woman). I wouldn't be able to have a sexless relationship. If he indicated that he was going to get help for his problem, see the gp maybe, perhaps I'd stick around, but if not, I'd be gone.

Outdoorflower94 · 15/06/2023 20:08

OP do you want to have children together one day? I can't help but warn you how tough it will be on you if you become broody and he doesn't want to know, assuming it's something you do want eventually?

jadey1991 · 15/06/2023 20:27

@SharkSip bless you hun.. well I think its best not to proceed with the relationship if its like this. Clearly your not happy.

I mean if you really wanna work it out then I think speak with him

Comedycook · 15/06/2023 20:30

He will never change. He may make a temporary effort if you moan enough but he will return to type.

If you don't want to live like this forever, end it.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2023 20:37

Op, what on earth are you doing with this man? I really don't understand. You do not have to marry him and you absolutely should not marry him. This relationship is already over and there is no fixing it. You need to leave him immediately.

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 15/06/2023 20:37

Have you talked to him about this?

Original poster

SharkSip · 16/06/2023 14:12

It's so stale between us.

He changed jobs due to the pandamic and he took on a new schedule that had us working opposing hours and time shifts. I would say we had one date over the past few years and that was June of 2021.

We had other days here and there but they were family function days. There were about 4 or 5 of those days since 2021.

Along with the sexlessness, there's no joy or fun in the relationship any more. It's so so so stale. Life is all work, work, work, work and we still sleep together but there's just an emptiness there between us with a lack of sex. He still cuddles and he can still gain an erection but it's never for intercourse and I gave up trying. Just last week instead of lingering in bed in the hope of sex, I got up early and walked away and I enjoyed working on laundry and getting laundry dry in the sun more than the idea of sex with him.

It's just all so stale between us. I dread sleeping with him now.

OP posts:

jadey1991 · 16/06/2023 15:34

@SharkSip girl u need to LEAVE HIM

Original poster

SharkSip · 16/06/2023 16:30

He's a good person. We have so much in common too but it's just so stale between us now. I'm so tired being with him. I find spending time with him now is so draining. I'm often busy. I have so many other interests that engages me and fulfills me and relaxes me.

OP posts:

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 16/06/2023 16:36

You are looking at what the rest of your life will be if you stay with him. There is no magic formula that will suddenly fix it an make everything all right. If this is not what you want, end it now before you get even further invested. It's so much harder when you're married with kids.

Original poster

SharkSip · 16/06/2023 16:43

Over the past three years since he got his new job, we were working opposing schedules. I was working days and he was working evenings and nights. Also we never shared a day off together. I thought going away on holidays together would ahve been great last year and we got to send time together but that was it. There was no sexual intimacy.

Regarding work, he was working the days I had off (sat and sun) and I was working on days he had off.
We made time for each other and we used to have some morning or breakfast dates but now it seems as if even they are going out the window. He has a new manager in his work now who is trying to overwrite his previous schedule and have him work 9 am to 8pm Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday is noon til midnight and also Monday.
The days are just too long there for him and it also writes off whatever hope of spending time together.

As for the lack of sex, it started with him for sure but now, the sexlessness is so bad, I never want to try it on a again with him. I have no desire whatsoever for him any more.

I get turned on more taking my crochet to bed and I orgasm more when I complete rows of a project.

OP posts:

ThankGoodnessForTea · 16/06/2023 18:09

@SharkSip

Please do NOT marry this man! End the relationship and move on - you will find happiness elsewhere and not with him. It sounds as if they rest if your 'life' with his is very boring and stale too.

Like a pp said, it sounds like death grip. He has used porn in the past, probably , and now can't maintain an erection for intercourse.

I was in a sexless relationship (23 years married, last 10 sexless) but it was my doing as I wasn't attracted to him and he was rubbish in the bedroom (completely lacked any sort of passion). I've been with other men since and, my goodness, was my head turned! I ended my marriage after getting involved with someone else. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it earlier!!! Don't stay with him. You only have one life!!

Original poster

SharkSip · 16/06/2023 22:39

His job is changing once more. We used to get breakfast dates in but now it seems that's been thrown off the table and I feel like I come bottom of the list of priorities even though he asks to do little things here and there for me like going to the shop and bringing me things and he is a kind person. But the sex is gone and his job comes first and I am so so so so so tired.

OP posts:

Izbizbiz · 16/06/2023 23:04

I personally think he’s gotten used to being able to orgasm in a certain way… probably only through masturbation. Porn probably, a tight/dry grip and immediate dopamine hits. Unfortunately, that means it might be difficult to orgasm for a while.
if you want to work on it, it is achievable but you need to talk to him. Slow things down in the bedroom, ask him not to masturbate alone if he wants or needs to finish then he can used a fleshlight type thing together but not his hand and not porn unless you are together.
good luck x

PeacefulPottering · 16/06/2023 23:39

What!!! Use a Fleshlight together!! OP wants a man who can have sex with HER!!!

Elmer83 · 16/06/2023 23:47

Please don’t marry him. Leave now..it won’t get better (even if it does temporally), he’s already showed you his true colours

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