Marriage is over

[Owlgirl1987]

I have wrote a previous thread.abour how my husband has been having an affair for the last 3/4 years with his friends partner and it all came out 3 months ago.

I was asking him to give our marriage a chance as we have been together 17 year - married for nearly 12 and have a 9 year old together.

He decided last night that he can't carry on his life without the other woman, so we have to end things.

We can't afford to live separately at the minute so have got to stay in the same house until we can.

It honestly feels like my life /marriage with him has meant nothing as he has said he is going to stay at hers on Saturday ( she's living with her dad ) so I reminded him its fathers day on Sunday ( our son loves to walk in the room on the morning of a birthday etc with the card and presents) , so he had forgot this, but won't change his plans, but said he will be back Sunday.

Why does it already feel like he is putting this woman before our son.

It all hurts so much, even more that I know this woman and we were good friends and we were meeting up with them ( obviously not knowing about the affair ).

It kills me cause hes gonna be fine cause he can just leave when he wants to see her and spend time with her and happy and I've got to stay here and I've lost everything.

How is it fair ?

I dont even know what to do now.

How to people get over something like this and actually manage to move on.

It's so hard thinking about doing Christmas, birthday etc with our son apart

So sorry OP.
It isn't fair but you will survive and one day you will look back and realise your life is just as good if not better than it was.
Allow yourself to grieve the ending of the relationship and then get practical and sort your legal rights.

You haven't lost everything and you are going to be fine too.

Your relationship didn't mean nothing. You have a beautiful son from that relationship.

You don't have to stay there. Presumably you will share care, so set up your calendar now. He's away on Saturday night. Fine. You'll be away next Saturday night. Arrange to see a friend or family member you haven't seen in ages. One your dh doesn't like much perhaps?

It hurts and will do for a while but you will feel better and you will rebuild. Start looking at places to live. What is your house worth? How quickly will it sell? What will you be able to afford on your own? Make plans. Look at possibilities.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's horrible but you'll cope xx

So sorry he's done this to you, what a prick!
Let yourself grieve for the end of the marriage then be glad the trash took itself out. Any man who can cheat on you especially with a friend isn't a decent husband or partner and in time you'll be glad he's her problem now.

Well, he’s a prick. Make sure you book to go away the following weekend.

It is so hard. I'm in a similar situation and 2 months along I am still devastated. In my case I've been properly left for the other person and am being divorced. It's all so painful and I can't imagine ever trusting my feelings for anyone else again. I totally get your feeling of your whole marriage having been a lie.

Somewhere deep inside I know I WILL feel better one day though, which is what gets me out of bed in the morning. But I feel I'm wading through treacle every day.

The betrayal by someone you love and had a relationship you have invested years in is tough to accept especially when a friend is involved.
Please seek some counselling to help to talk through all of this and ease the path way to some happiness.
It's not an easy road to tread with various feelings and emotions coming in waves making some days/hours good and others desperate and very low.
It has changed me as a person knowing the person I love and am committed to does not have the same feelings for me and has for someone else.
Just take each hour day at a time, see the positive things like your son and his love for you and try not to dwell on the negatives.
Life goes on, it won't be the same, only you can make the future better.
Wishing you all the best, I'm travelling the same uncertain road right now, it's not easy bit for my kids and my own sanity I'm determined to get there.

You get over it by being angry, by going grey rock and showing you are getting on perfectly well without him. You fake it until you make it. Do not do a single thing for him including cooking, washing etc. Split the finances and save all you can. Stand up for yourself as ultimately you have to have your own back now.

I totally sympathise. Sending you strength OP. X

Very sorry to read that @Owlgirl1987
Be careful with your mental health. Do not underestimate the effects on you. Other people will not 'get' it. You need to be very careful and take one day at a time. Try and live in the moment if at all possible and not think about future events like Christmas etc.
Has he given any indication why he has made this decision?

This is awful for you Op. he sounds almost sadistic and in my opinion situations like this deserve some sort of criminal punishment.
how can a person just cold heartedly abandon their family, go against all their marriage vows etc and walk away Scott free.
years ago a family member left their wife and 2 daughters (youngest was 3 weeks old) for another women who had kids.
I couldn’t get over the strength of his wife and how she handled it, although she was torn up she kept her dignity, meanwhile I was thinking up all sorts of ways to punish him on her behalf.
roll on 5 years later she’s been with a lovely man, who’s an excellent stepfather and they’re expecting their first child together.
she had her happy ending and I’m sure you will too!.
min my opinion I would tell him to pack his bags. Karma is a huge b*tch and I’m certain it will come to them both.

Please don't feel like it was all for nothing. You have a wonderful son together.

Let yourself grieve, be there for your son, have 'me time' when you can, go away for a weekend by the sea. Try to come to peace with being by yourself for a while, you can do it 💗

One day you'll be glad to see the back of him and you'll move on, no doubt by the time that happens his relationship with the OW will be well over.

I'm sorry, that's a horrible betrayal, it hurts just that bit more when the woman is supposed to be a friend too & you've been socialising while they're having an affair.

he's being very cruel going to hers (well, her Daddy's) on Saturday night, leaving you to deal with 'where's Daddy, on Fathers Day. Keep a notebook with these things in, so you can re read the 101 reasons you'd never take him back.

Why can't he piss off & live there? Or they get a place together? You shouldn't have to deal with the bastard living in the house. If he can't live without her (didums) he can just fuck off.

I've grown & im on the other side of this, I was a bit of a wet lettuce when it happened, but being older & stronger now, if it happened again I'd file for divorce straight away and move forward more quickly. I wasted FAR too much time trying to get him to see what he was losing & what he was getting himself into ( manipulative scheming cow who just wanted him for support and yes he regretted it, but FAR too late) It changed the way my life panned out & I wish I'd just got my shit together & moved FORWARD, faster. But I loooooved him 🙄🙄🙄

Do what you can to stay in the house or find a new home for just you & DS.

in the meantime, make it very bloody clear that he needs to ask you if you are willing and able to look after DS, not just assume he can come & go as he pleases, you are NOT the 'default' parent.

lots of different ways to manage this but beware of who books it into the calendar first gets the night off (friends DH just put down out practically every night. Fucker)

and work out a fair split of expenses AND jobs. Nursery runs/cooking for DS, he's going to need to up his game!! Don't just 'do it all'. It won't make him want to come back & he doesn't get to be a child free bachelor, because he damn well isn't!!

you're stronger than you feel right now xx

I would take yourself off if possible away for a couple of days or indeed a week. Somewhere where all meals are paid for and you don't have to do housework. Doesn't have to be expensive, just free yourself from day to day grind.

Whilst away - (with your computer) - I would make a plan re financial future for yourself - consult with a solicitor on the telephone - keep your documentation in a safe place (preferably not at home). Tell current DH you need a break for your mental health.

I understand the thinking about filing for divorce straight away - but I wouldn't do this for the following reason:

DH has cheated and lied to you more than once.

Don't imagine for one second he doesn't have a plan of his own lined up - whilst you are mourning him not being there on father's day, I strongly suspect he already HAS his legal ducks in a row on this one.

As hard as it is to accept, he is not the person you once thought he was, and you need to be strategic about this, and get up to speed.

Please take time out to prepare for what lies ahead.

Whilst you are away, if you can get to the spa in the hotel and/or enjoy a night out, it might remind you of the you you used to be (and can be again).

Good luck

Forest

And then, when you are good and ready THEN file for divorce.

It's hard now, but what you've lost is a selfish twat. Good riddance.

I found this really helpful as it guided me on the steps to win my husband back. win ur ex back steps

shame the husband isnt a prize. So what has actually been won? Uncertainty? Mistrust?

All of this is killing me. I still have so many feelings for.him, we have been together 18 years and I love him so much.
Thats a big issue we've got regarding the house. We bought it off the council 2 years ago, so got a discount from them, so if we sell within the first 5 years we have to pay all of the discount back, so we can't do this as we will have lost out big style and neither of us have the money to buy the other one out.

We've got to live under the same roof until we've both saved up, enough for him to be able to get another place so he can put a roof over our sons head and enough for me to be able to stay here and be ok.

This is not a life I wanted.

He didnt even give our marriage a chance when I asked him to, he just kept saying he didn't want to.

What is it about me that he can easily give up and destroy everything, but what is it about her that he can't give up.

People have said to me that them 2 won't last now they haven't got the thrill and excitement of the affair.

He told me the other day that she had a strop with him the other week because he said he was doing something with our son and he would always put him first and apparently she said this wasn't fair.

But now look he is going there Saturday dinner time, straight after our sons football training has finished and he said he will be back Sunday dinner time, so I said it is fathers day, and thats not fair on our son and he said he doesnt need one day for our son to show he loves him, he does this every day. I said she's winning already and he's putting her first, cause obviously she doesn't have her daughter this weekend.

Right now I can't even imagine carrying on without him as my husband, and how I would ever get to be with someone else, all this is so heartbreaking and I just wish he would have seen that things weren't bad between us.

I dont even know how I could move on.

My mum just thinks I should accept its over and that's it.

All the best and positivity op

Gosh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a huge situation to deal with.

You have only lost one thing - a shit partner. Someone that lied, didn’t respect you or treat you well. That person Is a negative and that’s what you’ve lost. Celebrate that fact!!!

Your marriage didn’t mean nothing - you have your beautiful son. Focus on you and your son and be selfish, do all the things you want to do, for yourself and your son.

Don’t let your cheating shit of a partner stay in the house; tell him to do one. He can stay at a friends or frankly anywhere else.

stay strong OP you’ve got this and you’ll look back one day with relief from a position of strength and happiness xxx

OP it's an awful situation. Ultimately as harsh as it sounds he doesn't want to be with you. Surely you don't want someone who doesn't want you.

Pls be careful about pressuring him to be around for your son. I know it's heartbreaking but if OW is pressuring him not to be with DS and you are pressuring him to be with DS he will most likely lean towards her and/or run from you both. Also you're still in love with him and want him around- don't use your son for that. I'm not saying you are just be mindful you don't.

The best thing you can do as hard as it is is let him go. It's a process and takes time.

Start doing things you've always wanted to do. Make memories with your son. Give yourself a make over.

You can do this OP!

@Owlgirl1987 You are in shock and your life will feel turned upside down. There is very little chance your marriage can be saved as he simply doesn't want to be there. This isn't really about you or even OW...it's about him.

For some reason some men (and to less of a degree women) just decide to walk away from their lives for a new romance but it's more about their ability to live a settled life.

You will get through this but first step is to work towards acceptance. Accepting the marriage is over, accepting he will not be the same father that he was previously, accepting the finances will need to change, accepting that you will have to share time with your son.

Remember he will be ahead of you, emotionally as has been planning this, you need time to catch up but vent on here rather than to him (he won't take it on board as he is in a self interested bubble).

Financially can you arrange for him to move out and when 3 years have passed agree to sell the house?

I hope you are no longer facilitating his life with housework

How does anyone actually move on from this betrayal.

I still have so many feelings for him and I can't just switch that off and I dont know how he can easily forger our 17 years together and be with another woman.

I dont even know how I can move on from this and how I can even rebuild my life and even be with someone else

It’s completely normal to feel like this at the moment. You won’t be able to just snap out of it and get over it overnight. It’s fucking horrible, but in the long term you’ll see it’s the right thing. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and try and get some counselling. You’re at the beginning of a grieving process, you’ll get through it and come out stronger.

You move on by not letting him have all the power and doing nice things with your son. His mind is made up and you have to accept it. It’s bloody hard but be kind to yourself - don’t beg- p spend time with friends and think why you are worth so much more than being with a cheating loser!