Marriage is over

[Owlgirl1987]

I have wrote a previous thread.abour how my husband has been having an affair for the last 3/4 years with his friends partner and it all came out 3 months ago.

I was asking him to give our marriage a chance as we have been together 17 year - married for nearly 12 and have a 9 year old together.

He decided last night that he can't carry on his life without the other woman, so we have to end things.

We can't afford to live separately at the minute so have got to stay in the same house until we can.

It honestly feels like my life /marriage with him has meant nothing as he has said he is going to stay at hers on Saturday ( she's living with her dad ) so I reminded him its fathers day on Sunday ( our son loves to walk in the room on the morning of a birthday etc with the card and presents) , so he had forgot this, but won't change his plans, but said he will be back Sunday.

Why does it already feel like he is putting this woman before our son.

It all hurts so much, even more that I know this woman and we were good friends and we were meeting up with them ( obviously not knowing about the affair ).

It kills me cause hes gonna be fine cause he can just leave when he wants to see her and spend time with her and happy and I've got to stay here and I've lost everything.

How is it fair ?

I dont even know what to do now.

How to people get over something like this and actually manage to move on.

It's so hard thinking about doing Christmas, birthday etc with our son apart

@Owlgirl1987 It might help to write down your feelings and what he has done and said to you.

A "normally" attached person can't shut off love that quickly which is why you are struggling. It is grief but the person is still alive just morphed into someone you can't recognise. "Runaway husbands" is a book that might resonate with you.

First step to recovery is getting through the shock and then you have to grieve for the losses. It isn't quick, often said at least a month for every year you have been together. I personally think rebuilding your life can only start once there is a practical split - when your lives are separated physically and financially.

It may suit your H to have a half way house, all the comforts of a home and OW to provide excitement so he won't be feeling the same losses as you (for now). He will have taken his life with you and son for granted as the grass isn't always greener but that doesn't mean he will want to come back (it just means that by the time you recover his regrets may kick in).

I haven't known one man leave a relationship, through an affair, and be happier longterm, especially if they treated the ex badly because this is who they are. The affair partner will also see that side of the person eventually.

He is having his cake and eating it.
Time to take back control.
Get him to move out, go to mediation. He can continue to pay the mortgage do you don't lode out financially regarding the house.
Do you eork?

You've mentioned a couple of times about moving on and finding someone else, and you can't imagine doing that. But you don't have to do that. Moving on is the important thing. Finding someone else might happen one day, if you want it to, but it isn't essential. You can have a perfectly happy life without a man in it.

You can do it. Take all the support you can from here and from the people around you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, but take small steps forward. Perhaps seek some legal advice first, to see where you stand. In the meantime, don't beg him to stay - it won't work, risks de-valuing you further in his eyes, will reduce your self-confidence. Plus, one day you'll see that you're better off without this selfish man in your life.

And you don't have to do things to make his life better - he can do his own cooking, washing, shopping, cleaning, life admin. And every night he gets 'off' - you get one as well. Don't let him get in to a habit of assuming you are the default parent and he can make any plans he likes and you'll stay home and faciliate them. For every evening or weekend he goes off, you get to do the same.

You will rebuild. You will get stronger. And as a pp said - it might help to 'fake it til you make it'. That shows him you can manage perfectly well without him and he isn't worth begging for. It also starts to train your brain to see you can make it.

I am also going through this and it is shit, they r out today playing happy families with the kids and I feel heartbroken, though I am a few months further on than you and I definitely wouldn’t have him back it’s more the sharing of the kids that I hate now

I guess day by day, etc.

One day, not tomorrow, next week or month, but one day you will be glad to be rid of this self-serving, thoughtless, arrogant piece of rubbish. I’m only sorry you and your son have to endure sadness atm.

What a prick.

He needs to move out and continue to pay his share of the mortgage until it is feasible for you both to agree to sell. Tough shit if that makes him poorer for a while, there are consequences to decisions so he needs to suck it up.

You're better off without this loser and he will treat his affair partner as appallingly and with as little regard as you and his son. People do not change.

Trust me you'll be much happier being independent. Forget all this talk of new men. Focus on your son and yourself and your future together.

in my opinion situations like this deserve some sort of criminal punishment.

God, I wouldn't want to live in your world....

OP, as a survivor myself - left holding the baby at 6 months - you will get through this! People will come and help you. Don't be afraid to ask.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you op. I know it’s hard for you to turn off your feelings atm but seriously, you have to set them aside for now and get icily practical. Trust me you will feel better once you begin to take some control over your new life instead of having things done to you.

So, although it’s a shock, try and accept that this is happening to you, put all thoughts of winning him back or reconciliation out of your mind, and tell yourself that you really do not want someone in your and your son’s life who is prepared to treat you this badly do you?

The main immediate issue here is the house:

We bought it off the council 2 years ago, so got a discount from them, so if we sell within the first 5 years we have to pay all of the discount back, so we can't do this as we will have lost out big style and neither of us have the money to buy the other one out.

Is your ex seriously suggesting that you live together for three years while he comes and goes and continues his affair elsewhere?

Sorry but that is not acceptable, as it is too confusing for your son and mental torture for you. Go and see the council (be careful what you say but find out the facts) seek out recommendations for a lawyer with knowledge of housing, or a housing charity, and get some proper advice. You cannot be the first person in this situation. And it might be better to lose out financially than to have to endure three years of hell.

Do not do anything for him in the house. Get your finances separated and sorted. Take copies of any financial documentation you can get your hands on: salary, his passport, insurance, pension, car ownership, credit cards etc etc. Secure your own finances.

Gather together as much money as you can. Do extra hours at work, get a pt job at weekend, sell clothes or any items that aren’t jointly owned, tutor or take in ironing. Anything that will help. Squirrel it away where he doesn’t have access to it.

Grey rock him. Even if it kills you, get dressed up and go out for a night with gfs minimum once a week. Tell family and friends what is happening and get some support. Try and focus on your own well-being: eating & drinking well, sleeping, and exercise. Treat this time like a boot camp. Every couple of days make sure you get out of the house for an inexpensive treat such as a hair wash and blow dry or manicure or whatever makes you feel good.

Don’t allow him to shirk his parenting responsibilities and come to an agreement about who is doing dinner/bed routine and school runs and divide evenly over the week and stick rigorously to the schedule and make sure he does as well.

Be completely factual and professional in your dealings with him. Let him know you are no push over and that you can change too. Even though you may be quaking inside, give the impression that you are independent and self-contained and controlled.

Dig deep op. Find your strength and go out and find that shit hot lawyer!

@Hoaryragwort giving great advice there.
Good luck, OP. The first few months are really hard, after that, it gets better. When you notice that you're going it alone and everything is ok, it's a massive boost to confidence.

I was in this situation, my partner had an affair, when our daughter was three months old . I was utterly distraught when it happened, but now many years down the line , I’m glad we split .