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Relationships

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Original poster

Got the ick cos he has no friends

47 replies

Gottheick · 14/06/2023 23:19

I'm currently OLD and a guy contacted me after matching and we had a conversation. We are both 33.

He told me he had wanted to go on a trip to a particular place but had no one to go with after he'd asked me to go but I was working that day. I asked him in a jokey manner if he has any friends. He said he has, but he 'keeps himself to himself' his words. I asked if he prefers to be alone and he said 'yeah mostly'.

We then accepted each other on instagram and it really doesn't look like he has friends. Photos with work colleagues older than him and his brother, but that's it.

I feel the ick. Yet I have no idea why as i'm not exactly miss popular either, although I would like more friends, it just doesn't seem to happen easily. I have about 4 close friends (if that) :(

Why am I feeling this way? He otherwise seems fine but i'm now looking for excuses as to why not to go on a date with him. I know its because of the friends thing.

I wonder if its past experience where 'loner' types I've attracted get too intense too soon and 'stalkerish'. And the general belief that loners can be a bit weird.

OP posts:

ToBeOrNotToBee · 14/06/2023 23:29

YABU.

At our age, 33, friends have moved on, moved away, and moved continents. He may be like me, prefer quiet, smaller groups of friends, and then found himself alone as they moved on with life (one of mine is in Australia, and 2 others in the states, I'm alone in London and don't consider anyone else friends).

It's hard to replace those long term friendships with others these days in the era of social media and vapid photos where everyone appears to have a good time but it is all for the gram.

romanticdresses · 14/06/2023 23:31

You both need to bring something to the table, in future, that is going to excite you. And you both need to have friends. You have a criteria and if this man is not your cuppa then that is totally fine. I get why because I had a BF that had friends, but he never wanted to arrange anything with them as ALL his time was with me, he didnt want to do anything outside of me, my life became his. it was suffocating in the end and got the ick. He is an ex. So yeah meeting someone who has friends, hobbies and other things, and who is comfortable in his own company, just not all the time, is balance. And if he is just fine then giving you the ick then perhaps its saying something.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2023 23:32

Move on, it’s not fair on him to see him when you feel this way. He’s been honest, that’s surely a good thing.

He’d be in good company here, the majority of posters seem to think having friends is pointless.

You feel like this because it’s a social norm for people to have friends. It shows other people give their stamp of approval, that they’re pleasant to be around, have qualities to offer. We’re generally social creatures, anyone swearing off the company of others can be viewed as suspicious because you wonder what’s wrong with them.

Social media, including MN, gives people who don’t really like other people a place to commune on their own terms in a way that’s never been done before. Online dating is giving him the opportunity to meet women in a way he wouldn’t otherwise and hopefully he’ll meet someone who’s like him.

LocalHobo · 14/06/2023 23:34

It's your call isn't it? Personally I would prefer to date someone who wasn't constantly out socialising and I would see the fact that he is close to his brother as a plus. It sounds like you want a boyfriend who has a social circle you could join in with though, and that is also fine.

Giantbeancan · 14/06/2023 23:36

Everyone has different likes and dislikes - luckily or everyone would be fighting over same people! He sounds perfect for me (if I wasn’t married 😂), but he’s not perfect for you, so move on and let him do the same and you can both try and find a better match.

Radiodread · 14/06/2023 23:37

Social media is not a reliable indicator of actual friendships but I would absolutely be put off it someone really didn’t have anyone to go on a day trip with, and/or didn’t talk positively about at least one or two friends. I’d think we were socially incompatible and had different values, but only you know if you’d feel similar.

Takenoprisoner · 14/06/2023 23:44

I find, sometimes, that the thing I'm struggling with myself is the very thing that puts me off men. It's because I judge myself harshly for that particular thing, or dislike it in myself, so project that judgement onto others, especially men. I don't have many friends either or much family, so will look at a man who's equally lonely and think, God what a loser. This has actually happened to me, so I know what you mean, I think.

Maybe he's fine having less friends or none, maybe he's shy etc. But I would give this a chance and meet up. Who knows what might happen??

SummerVino · 14/06/2023 23:51

If you’re looking for excuses not to go, it sounds like you shouldn’t go.
I personally wouldn’t be put off by that, as someone else here said, at 33 people have drifted, gotten married, had kids, busy with work…

FrozenGhost · 15/06/2023 00:25

It's up to you whether you date him or not, and if you are put off already, maybe thats not a good sign.

However I would say that not having many friends doesn't mean someone is bored, lonely or stalkerish and wants to spend all their time with you. He is obviously comfortable spending time alone. My DH doesn't have any friends for a number of reasons, both them/him moving around and also he is a bit of a loner. But that's how he likes to be, so he isn't looking to spend extra time with me because of that, or glom on to my friends.

Lostinplaces · 15/06/2023 00:41

Yes do the poor sod a favour and let him go.

SarahDippity · 15/06/2023 00:46

No harm meeting him for a coffee? And if his world is too small for you, that’s okay. I met a guy for a date once and honestly he seemed to have no hobbies at all. It wasn’t that he didn’t share my particular interests, it seemed that he just cycled to work, cycled home, and watched telly. After two hours with him, I couldn’t figure out how he spent his leisure time.

chaosmaker · 15/06/2023 01:58

@Gottheick always trust your gut instinct

Yousee · 15/06/2023 02:34

Totally natural to get the ick over this.
He wouldn't be a very good mate in hunter gatherer times would he, with no tribe to rely on? If you were his cave woman, you'd be very vulnerable. So some ancient part of the brain is flashing "nope, not this guy" and triggering The Ick.
My DH is the opposite, he knows so many people and has so many friends who look out for each other and have known each other for many years. It's definitely an attractive thing, to know that he has a tribe that I am now part of, so I can totally see why the lack of friends is less than reassuring.

Meepme · 15/06/2023 02:42

Two things here, 1 that you dislike that you yourself don't have many friends. So naturally you'd want the opposite. Like larger men who want slim trim women and vice versa sometimes. There isn't anything wrong with that. But actually my best friend's husband doesn't have many friends at all, just a couple of ones who are just OK, yet he's one of the nicest guys I know, and treats my best friend so well. Yes, she has a ton of friends herself. What I'm saying is I personally wouldn't write someone off for not having a ton of friends.

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 03:15

Well often loners like this turn out to be serial killers on television. Joking. Well if he gives you the ick, don't pursue it ... you do have a choice you know! If it doesn't feel right, it's not

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 03:18

If you’ve got the ick then just end it. You’re not coming back from that. The ick doesn’t have to be rational, it’s just your body indicating someone isn’t the right partner for you.

evuscha · 15/06/2023 03:55

I sort of think YANBU, both me and DH have our circles of close friends and it was a good sign for me when I met his, saw they were good people, genuinely loved him etc. Perhaps it is irrational to place importance on that, I don’t know but I understand you.

I do think however that just because he doesn’t have lots of pictures on his socials doesn’t mean he’s a loner. I see my friends often but I rarely/almost never post pictures, in fact my Instagram is very uneventful.

I also don’t think it’s weird that he doesn’t have anyone to go on a trip with. Many probably live further away or have families/busy lives as PPs suggested. He may have a few friends that he just doesn’t see that often which also is quite normal especially for men I feel. (I speak to my friends more than DH does to his for sure) And I actually find it weirder when guys in their 40’s go out drinking with “lads” multiple times a week as if they were still 20.

I’d say if you like him otherwise, you have nothing to lose by going for a coffee with him? See what he’s like and take it from there.

BlastedPimples · 15/06/2023 08:05

I too would be wary and put off. He will be dependent on your friends for a social life if you get together. It will be weird even if he's a good person.

My stbxh has two friends. One from childhood with whom he did a dodgy property deal avoiding lots of tax. The other one he knows he's having an affair so has a hold over him in that respect.

When we met, he seemed to just latch onto my friends. Our social life was because of my social circle. I expect he's doing the same with his current affair partner and that's why hes absolutely terrified to be on his own. Because he really would be on his own.

Op, I take it you've not met yet? Maybe in the name of fairness meet him once if not and do not ignore your gut instinct after that meeting.

Goatbilly · 15/06/2023 08:17

I have a friend that also doesn't seem to have anyone else (friends) in his life, apart from me. He has always been like this, their are no stories that involve significant friends including stories from childhood or later on in life. He isn't looking to "join" anyone else's circle of friends but I think it's an impoverished way to live your life. He doesn't seem bothered though.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/06/2023 08:28

You want different things. You want to expand your social circle, he doesn't.

My aunt and uncle didn't socialise at all. They left the house to shop, go to church, or to extended family events. No 'optional' socialising at all. They were happy.

You wouldn't be.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 15/06/2023 08:53

I'm utterly normal in every way, but also "keep myself to myself".
I've got mates/acquaintances but I'm not fussed about cultivating deep friendships with anyone.
If I'm at a loose end, I can rustle up plans with someone if I want to, but I love spending masses of time alone.
You certainly won't find a single photo of me with friends on my social media, since I've never taken one! The thought would never cross my mind!

Persse · 15/06/2023 08:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2023 23:32

Move on, it’s not fair on him to see him when you feel this way. He’s been honest, that’s surely a good thing.

He’d be in good company here, the majority of posters seem to think having friends is pointless.

That’s a fair point about friends indicating a type of social approval, but isn’t it worth asking yourself why someone doesn’t appear to have any of this form of social approval, and what that might mean?

I know Mn has a high proportion of people who struggle with friendships, and absolutely, some people are just unlucky in their environment, some have never learned how to make friends from poor role models, and equally obviously, there are people with lots of friends who are godawful (and equally, I would assume nothing from SM — I use Instagram mostly as a diary for documenting odd graffiti, clouds and occasional photos of my son, and mine shows no sign of either DH, family or friends, despite them being a key part of my life).

But equally, I’d be cautious of someone with poor social skills, timidity or the jaundiced view of friends as ‘too much drama’.

I did have a year-long relationship with someone in many ways lovely, who would talk about his friends, but when I got to know him, I realised these people were his student friends (he was 51), and the only time he’d seen them since his student days was when his ex-wife hunted them up on SM to send them wedding invitations. (He didn’t even do it!) He had made no other friends. I found his laziness and passivity about it a turn-off, and, frankly, I didn’t want to be his sole conduit to the human race (as his ex had been.)

So, while I wouldn’t think anything on the basis of his SM alone, I too would be cautious.

PSNonsense · 15/06/2023 09:01

Don't write him off! I am a confident introvert. I have friends and acquaintances but I'm happiest with just a select few and love spending time alone, which I do, a lot.

I met someone via work who only really has 2 good close friends (a couple). He is a lovely, normal, nice, respectful guy and it's the best I've ever been treated. Everyone in work likes him. At first I did wonder why he didn't have many friends, but he just said he's been in long term relationships that he was happy just being 'them', other friends he made in uni moved away etc. He doesn't mind one bit.

My parents were married 50 years and didn't really socialise with outside friends but weren't hermits. It's made me think it's really ok not to bother with other people a lot, as long as it doesn't lead to loneliness in later life.

Newtrix · 15/06/2023 09:04

Would be a huge put off for me! Friends play a huge role in our lives and if someone can't maintain a friendship it would make me wonder why.

anthurium · 15/06/2023 09:09

Newtrix · 15/06/2023 09:04

Would be a huge put off for me! Friends play a huge role in our lives and if someone can't maintain a friendship it would make me wonder why.

Yes, and it's not just why they can't maintain friendships but also why they seem to think nurturing friendships is pointless but being in a romantic relationship isn't? Not valuing other people in your life other than romantic partners which can be fleeting would be a concern for me.

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