I Dont know what to do

[Newdadof2]

My partner and i have been together for 7 years and have 2 children
i love my wife and my children but recently my wife isn't the woman i married

shes become cruel in her comments
shes become very controlling

i put one child to bed while she did the other i went down to do some housework and when i was almost done i went out to enjoy the weather and set up a nice cup of tea for us to enjoy and talk

when she came down she got very angry that i wasn't doing housework and that i was sitting down

she took a cup and threw it at me leaving a few small cuts which i am able to pass off comments on with shaving

she hasn't done this before, and i don't believe she will again

im at a loss, i have tried to talk about things but usually met with major hostility
i couldn't leave her as i know how these things tend to go, the dad only sees the children on weekends and holidays, thats not the sort of dad i want to be

i couldn't bare not to see my kids every day

what do i do?

My first thought is maybe she's ill
Then maybe she's having an affair
If this is really brand new behaviour
Also , no reason you couldn't have the kids 50/50 . Trust me I'm trying to get more than 50% as a mother as my ex is an alcoholic who has been banned from driving and lost his job and even I don't think it's going to be easy battling for more access to my children .

i dont think shes having an affair
honestly neither of us get the time

i partly think we see each other a lot i get an hour a week to myself and she the same

i have mentioned about getting out individually more as she has 2 close friends
honestly i have none

im trying to support her with whatever shes going through but i cant seem to get through

Nobody would be saying she was ill if she was a man throwing cups around and causing injury to their partner. They would be telling you to leave, which is exactly what you should do.

Extreme PMT? Untreated post natal depression, perhaps? She is obviously harbouring a lot of anger or anxiety. Try and see if there is a pattern to her behaviour.

100%

They might if it was a sudden change after 7 years although they'd probably be more likely to jump to the affair theory

You can sort out having the kids 50/50 OP. Legally.

This means 50% of everything, holidays, dick days, drop offs, clubs, parties, admin, costs. Not just the fun bits as I'll pick them up after work and take them to Macdonald's to avoid paying that day's child maintenance whilst she still has to arrange getting to work late and leaving early.

But if you can provide that around your work no need for you to live under abuse and stay.

Sick days ever so sorry

Wow, no that is not ok. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Will she do therapy with you?
if not, I’m sorry but this is when I’d advise leaving.

this is abuse and it’s never ok.

Does anyone have any advise regarding domestic abuse on men
Anything I look up says it's very hard to prove and she could say she felt intimidated and that puts it back onto me

I have caught her earlier going through my work bag and emails on laptop so my replies may get slower here as I would be worried if she came across this thread

Crikey, this is no way to live OP. You can’t live in fear of your partner, that’s not right.

@Newdadof2 I wonder whether it's worth you calling The mankind initiative? They support male victims and have a helpline, it's on their website. They may be able to advise: https://mankind.org.uk/

No definitely not ok and no way to live OP. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Good luck.

Another dad here. I agree with others that your partner's behavior towards you is unacceptable and is technically abuse. If you can, have a private chat with her parents/other family members who have influence on her and tell them what has been happening. That way, your partner may feel the need to behave respectfully towards you and it shows her family that you are taking appropriate steps to resolve these matters before taking more formal action.

That aside, I have been observing my partner who also expresses anger/stress and directs it at me from time to tome because people tend to feel more comfortable at lashing out at people they know like family members. This can be more noticeable a week before or after period. I have been managing my partners behavior my keeping a record of their periods on spreadsheet so that I can be more considerate/avoid the run-up days they are more likely to be irritable.

Additionally, your partner may have bottled up resentment as she may think you have an easier life than her when she sees you sitting down. You just may happen to do things for efficiently. She may miss her old life before having kids and may feel burnout. She may feel burdened staying at home with kids and resentfully sees you as being free going to work.

Try and communicate partner to casually talk about household tasks and who will do them or plan ahead how both of you would like the week to go. You can alternate. Do the hoovering and cooking while she baths the kids or brush kids teeth and make them food. I just think a partner may want to feel a sense for fairness and equality in tasks when at home. By planning or setting a routine, you are demonstrating to each other who does what so that the other cannot be accused of not doing enough.

Fucking hell, if this were swapped genders, they'd be uproar and pages of comments to leave.

BTW, my father got sole custody of myself and my brother and that was 40 years ago when gender roles were definitely more ' traditional'. It happened then and even more so these days. Don't let your children grow up around violence

i put one child to bed while she did the other i went down to do some housework and when i was almost done i went out to enjoy the weather and set up a nice cup of tea for us to enjoy and talk

Not condoning throwing cups, but what stood out to me here, was that she came downstairs, and the first thing she sees, is that you are in the garden with a cup of tea, and the housework you were meant to be doing, isn't done. She has not had any break and now fees she has to pick up the slack.

If this is s constant theme, it sounds as though she is at the end of her tether. Are you sure you are pulling your weight? Still very bad form to throw a cup at you.

Erm she assaulted you OP. A line has been crossed here. She either starts talking and seeks help for her boggles or you split up. A violent partner isn't worth staying with.

Do not let her or you brush this under the carpet.

Not condoning throwing cups, but what stood out to me here, was that she came downstairs, and the first thing she sees, is that you are in the garden with a cup of tea, and the housework you were meant to be doing, isn't done. She has not had any break and now fees she has to pick up the slack.
So the next time a man comes home and his wife is sitting down with a cup of tea, the dirty dishes I the sink he can give her a slap as long as we don't condone it?
Where is the difference please?
If a woman posted this she would have pages and pages of support and advice telling her to ltb.
Because its a man......it must be his fault!!!

I am very sorry you were assaulted by your partner, that's what throwing something causing injury is. Obviously there are issues you've identified, depending on age there would be a few things I would suggest might be her problem but none excuse violence and you need to address that first and foremost and how you feel about it. Dv is hard to prove for anyone, man or woman, and so I understand your hesitancy but I do not think you should have to put up with it. I have had friend's go through divorce recently and custody issues and my understanding is now its a lot more even and the starting point is 50/50 unless there are circumstance where that would not be appropriate. You would not be able to see them every day, but you would be an involved parent with your children being with you at least half the time. Depending on age it may be menopause with your partner, people joke but the rage is common, the violence is not though so that is a serious thing to address. I hope you're ok, try and take to someone, perhaps a therapist for what you are going through.

I think you need to let her know that now she has resorted to violence, you have no choice but to notify the police. Call them. Your kids can’t grow up with that kind of lability.

LTBitch.

I cannot believe some of the messed-up replies from women on here. Double standards and hypocrisy are rife!!

Your nasty wife assaulted you. You are a victim of domestic violence and domestic abuse. I do not care what her issues may or may not be. She has no right to do what she did.

Your silence is her power. Report the assault to the police so it is recorded. Leave her and fight for your children. She is an abuser and you do not deserve this.

My first thought is that she's an abusive violent individual, and she's assaulted her husband.

OP doesn't need to be told to consider her health or whether she's being faithful or not.

Are you insane!!?? If a man had done this to a woman and someone suggested it was perhaps because she wasn't pulling her weight, there'd be carnage.

How skewed and dangerous is your thinking?

There is no excuse. She assaulted him. That's it. How dare you victim blame!?

I always think when I read those sorts of replies that these are people who treat their partner like shit as well. There's bound to be a few on here who throw stuff at their husbands in temper.

I will say what I say on every thread of this sort - she may well have mental health issues, she may well be frustrated and angry, it may well be that you are behaving like a dick and not doing enough but.... there is no excuse for abusive behaviour.

So your options are to leave (sounds like you'd get 50/50 if you're an active and involved dad) or, if you really want to work it through, sit down and make it clear that physical violence is not acceptable. If she has issues, she needs to communicate them and discuss with you and come to a solution that doesn't involve throwing things.

However, I tend to think that if things have got to the violence stage, it doesn't matter. The resentment and issues and behaviour patterns are entrenched so I'd be recommending that you leave sooner rather than later.

How long has this behaviour been going on for?
Personally I would tell her the relationship is over, you wont be treated like this and start the process. It may trigger her to address whatever issue has caused this new behaviour, maybe get counselling or medication. But unless she gets it under control and goes back to who she used to be, then definitely carry on with ending the marriage.