I Dont know what to do

[Newdadof2]

My partner and i have been together for 7 years and have 2 children
i love my wife and my children but recently my wife isn't the woman i married

shes become cruel in her comments
shes become very controlling

i put one child to bed while she did the other i went down to do some housework and when i was almost done i went out to enjoy the weather and set up a nice cup of tea for us to enjoy and talk

when she came down she got very angry that i wasn't doing housework and that i was sitting down

she took a cup and threw it at me leaving a few small cuts which i am able to pass off comments on with shaving

she hasn't done this before, and i don't believe she will again

im at a loss, i have tried to talk about things but usually met with major hostility
i couldn't leave her as i know how these things tend to go, the dad only sees the children on weekends and holidays, thats not the sort of dad i want to be

i couldn't bare not to see my kids every day

what do i do?

You doubt know those replies are actually from women!

She is abusive and controlling. She assaulted you and now she's looking through your work bags and emails and you're afraid she will find out you have spoken out about the abuse on here.

It's as clear cut as it gets. She is abusive. Call the police. Log the assault. Fight for your children as they could easily be next.

Has she even apologised, OP? Take photos of your injuries. And tell a trusted friend or family member what happened. Silence about abuse only ever benefits the abuser.

Call the police.

Take photos of your injuries This is good advice, as you were concerned about proof should you need it. Always take photos or even voice record things if possible.

Hi everyone

thank you for your kind words and advice
i have decided i am going to stay in the relationship she may be violent, she may be abusive but this is very out of character for her

i agree i am not doing enough to help and seeing me sitting down was what put her over the edge i see now that this instance was triggered by myself which has been mentioned in the comments above

i am not an idiot
i have done my research and gotten some anonymous advice and been told that if it comes to a split, and the abuse came up, generally a female can claim "she was intimidated and did it to protect herself" which is a claim that generally is less viewed as genuine from a male (this isn't official just some advice i have been given)

i am over 6 ft and shes 5.2ft i know how a claim of abusive behavior would be viewed

i need to stay here i just need to get the kids grown up and out on their own before i would consider leaving, i REFUSE to be an absent dad which inevitably would happen not by choice:
She could tell the kids its me abusing not her
She could influence them not to want to see me
She could be awkward in the custody agreement

the eldest is 7 and the youngest is 3, i hear stories of people being in abusive relationships for decades, i can get through this

She would never hurt me in front of the kids and i can always come up with an excuse to hide injuries with my work etc if they are visible (tradesman)
the verbal side is a lot easier to hide!

i am sure this wont be viewed well in the group but just felt i had to put these comments to bed

thanks for your support

M

Im really sorry you feel you can't do much on this situation. I have seen cases like yours before and I don't think its as hopeless for a man as you've been led to believe. But keep yourself safe. I am sorry you're in a relationship with someone you think would manipulate your children and hurt you again. Its really sad. I know lots of couples who co partner 50/50 and honestly, their kids seem really happy and don't think of either parent as absent. Keep everything we've said in mind and keep safe.

thank you

Your brave for speaking up be braver tonight make a cuppa sit her down and have a heart to heart.Find out what's going on and chat about what you can both do to lighten each others load and make this relationship better. It was totally wrong and unacceptable what happened so thrash it out and get to the root of the problem as somethings going on and if you dont get to the bottom of it it's just going to fester and get worse. Cmon you can do it

Can we offer the same advice to a woman the next time she says her husband has attacked her? A chat and a cup of tea...... shame on you.

This.

im sorry to say that this thread will likely follow the pattern on here when men face domestic violence. Her actions will be excused, you will be blamed, your physical size will be used to explain how it wasn’t really violence.

post as a female and get support

you’ll hopefully get some good responses saying this is not acceptable behaviour, you should probably leave, and consider involving the police. I’m sorry this has happened. It’s a shock when someone turns like that. Look after yourself

She will NOT be believed over you. Document and report of the abuse.
Talk to your GP about it.
You are also making a choice not to safeguard your children by keeping them in an abusive environment.
You can't predict her attacks, nor can you guarantee that your children won't ever be on the receiving end.

There is no excuse for violence in a relationship. If you think your children aren't being impacted, you're very wrong, and they'll only be impacted further the older they get.
If this was happening to a friend, a loved one, or in the future, maybe even one of your children, what would you be telling them? Would you be giving them tips on how to cover their injuries, or would you be trying your level best to get them out of that situation.

You're worth more than this, and she is a violent, abusive, and nasty person.

No real advice other than this is right. You’ll not be believed so if you do report it or tell people, be prepared for that.

im sorry, it’s shit

Jesus Christ.

this is the kind of shit that male victims get.

Exactly this. No excuse for abuse, none.

It’s not right but I see why this is where you’ve ended up. It’s really hard to admit being a victim, it’s really hard to know you won’t be believed and you’ll be blamed.

Let’s be clear. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t cause this by sitting down. She is responsible for her behaviour

keep talking to us on here , and real life friends if you can.

Victim blamer.
awful response.
and to call it “bad form”. Ffs

I'm a man for context. I can't say you will or won't be believed. From responses so far it does seem apparent that some people will minimise female to male violence, and I grant that much female to male violence is a result of male coercive control and other abuse, but that doesn't mean people trained in the area will. I second talking to mankind and be as honest as you can about both her behaviour patterns and yours. No-one here can say for sure what the dynamic is between you but it does need understanding.

I'm concerned that your solution seems to be to do more not to provoke anything, coupled with a belief that the children know nothing, never will and are happy.

If your wife is abusive this will not work. Your children will know, they may be at risk and even if not they will have a Dad who will be anxious, walking on eggshells and not able to be himself. This is not better than you seeing them less often but being happier and safe.

If the relationship is toxic with mutually unacceptable behaviours then your plan still fails for the same reasons. You may be able to be nice to each other for a while but without change the shit will happen again and again and again.

I really really think that what you need to do is talk to friends and family you trust as well as professionals and be totally honest about how you are and how she is and go from there.

Odds are there's work for you do on yourself, whether to navigate the path as an abuse survivor (what led me to be with an abuser, how can I gain control of my life back and be safe in future and ensure my kids are) or if it is both of you, how you change. It is hard work and it can hurt as you look yourself in the eye without the excuses, defences and bullshit - I'm a year in to trying to be a better person and it has been the worst year of my life but now becoming one of the most useful - but it will be worth it.

Bottom line - head in the sand, don't rock the boat, it may go away, the kids are better off never makes it better for anyone.

If you are choosing to stay, you do need to address it. And I don't mean in a sit her down with a cup of tea kind of way.
Do not sacrifice your happiness to be verbally and physically abused for years, and risk getting to the point where you snap.

I am not a fan of ultimatums, but for your safety, and the kids, she needs to get help with her behaviour. Or you will leave. If she is ever violent again, you will leave. She has had her one chance and you must not sweep it under the carpet and pretend it hasn't happened.

She needs to get to the bottom of why it happened and put measures in place to stop her getting there again. That work has to be done by her, she has to understand and own her behaviour, not put it onto you not doing enough. It is not an excuse but there is a growing body of evidence that oestrogen supplementation can help much earlier than perimenopause, particularly in women who struggle postnatally. Just an example. Particularly if this is

Be open, direct and to the point. That unless she gets help, the marriage is over. You can own what you may have contributed, but it takes two. Right now, she needs to get herself into therapy. And only after that, should you consider any kind of joint counselling. Until she has help in place, things will get twisted so that you feel responsible. That is clear from your default to saying you need to do more to help. It might be nothing to do with that.

This is possibly the saddest thing I have ever read on MN and I've been here for many, many years.

Some of these replies are sickening. Fuck off with your cup of tea!

Op you have one life. Do not accept this, not for you, not for your children.

You don't need a reason for divorce.

Hi Op,
you do what makes sense to you.
However keep an open mind, though perhaps the least likely cause, she could have an neurological problem which causes aggression

I'm not going to judge you for not leaving. It takes women, I believe, on average 8 attempts before they fully leave.

But, please re consider and come back for advice.

I've been here a few years and I've seen women who post about the abuse they are suffering, but decide to stay. Weeks, months, years later they come back and post again about the abuse and still stay. Yes, sometimes we can get a bit cross, but only because care.
So, please do not be put off and please cone back if you need advice or support.

I will however pick out a couple of things from your post, just for you to consider

i have decided i am going to stay in the relationship she may be violent, she may be abusive but this is very out of character for her
She's crossed a line and caused injury to you.
It's very rare for these things to be a one off or out of character.
Im not saying she will definitely hurt you or be violent again, but really it is likely she will.

i agree i am not doing enough to help and seeing me sitting down was what put her over the edge i see now that this instance was triggered by myself which has been mentioned in the comments above
Whether or not you are doing enough to help does not give her an excuse to physically hurt you.

Some of us have experienced lazy partners who dont pull thier weight. We either come to Mumsnet to moan about it or we are adults and have a conversation with our partners about it.
99% of us do not resort to throwing things at our partners or hurting them

She would never hurt me in front of the kids and i can always come up with an excuse to hide injuries with my work etc if they are visible (tradesman)
the verbal side is a lot easier to hide!
I hate to tell you this, but the kids know.
Time after time children from abusive homes tell us they knew what was going on. Their parents tried to hide it from them, but they can hear it, sometimes they are peeking from a hidden place where you can't see them, they can see the injury no matter how hard you try to hide them. And they can feel the tension, no matter how hard you try to cover it up.

I'm not saying this to upset you.
You're not ready to leave and nobody will force you. But should it continue or get worse please do not be embarrased, please come back, we will not judge.

Fuck off with your excuses for violence against a man. Disgusting!

Amuseaboosh, its not an excuse in anyway and I am not sure why you think it is.
sudden change in behaviour could be down to Huntingtons or a brain tumour. Least likely but not impossible so if he stays something to keep an open mind about, especially if this new behaviour is completely out of the blue

I look forward to you posting on the next thread where a woman has been harmed by her male partner that she should keep an open mind, it might be a brain tumour…

you’d get a pretty strong response if you did

but you won’t, will you