Is this hurting anyone?

[Friendofafriend83]

I’d really appreciate some perspective and advice on a friendship I’ve formed. I’m married with children. I signed up to a language exchange site, partly to improve my second language, partly because I’m lonely. The man is single and has spent a lot of his life travelling for work. He has told me himself he doesn’t have friends, rarely contacts family, sleeps around a lot. Slowly but surely, we have built a friendship. It is obviously much easier to open up to a stranger and we tell each other things you couldn’t even tell a best friend. It is also nice because we both talk both languages fluently and mix them together in a way I cannot do with others. We joke about how we could destroy each other’s reputation with the stuff we know about each other. I feel guilty about the level of intimacy I have with him, even though it is purely a friendship. I have come to rely on him for advice and I think he is beginning to rely on me. He works long hours in finance but phones almost every day now at lunch and we talk about his latest love life troubles or little things that have been going on in my life. We can easily talk for 40/50 minutes. We don’t text much outside of the phone calls. There are no romantic overtones and we call each other friends. I know why I’m talking to him – I’m lonely and this friend provides the conversation and laughs my husband doesn’t. I guess he is also lonely, despite the stream of “friends with benefits”. When I asked him whether he had told his family and friends about his latest girlfriend, he said “yes, I’ve told you”.
What’s my question? I don’t know. I feel too attached to someone who is essentially a stranger, some guy I met online. Yet he is my best confidant, he is not judgmental, our chats improve my day. My husband does know I have a language exchange friend but doesn’t know how much we talk. I don’t know what I feel guilty about in a way because it is a friendship. But I do feel guilt. Is this hurting me? My husband? Him? Thanks if you got this far.

Is it hurting anyone? Well clearly yes, it is hurting you because you feel guilty. That really isn't good, is it?

It could obviously hurt your husband and children, do you honestly think he wouldn’t be hurt at all if he heard everything you’ve just written here? You also say the relationship is still developing… it’s pretty clear you are developing feelings. Of course it can cause hurt.

Maybe not yet. But it will.

I think you crossed the line from not hurting anyone to potentially doing so when you started sharing quite personal information with each other. alrthough from just a friend point fo view, it was still crossing a line.

Ask yourself. Would my dh be hurt if he knew what conversations I'd had with this man? If the answer is yes, or you think so. Then time to rein it in.
This is not a lifetime long old friend, its a random bloke from the internet.

Generally if you go by the rule 'would I say this in front of DH' or 'would I be upset if DH said this to someone behind my back' you'll know if you're still crossing lines here.

I think the fact that you are questioning it, means you know deep down that this could end up hurting people.
If you want to continue to chat to the friend I think you should be honest with your husband how often and the level of the chats. It would be worse if your husband found out himself because he could end up reading too much into it and end up feeling more hurt.

If you have some sort of relationship with someone - whatever form it takes - and you are npt being transparent and honest about its nature, depth etc with your husband, then your lack of frankness - and apparently trust in your husband - will be hurtful to him when/if he finds out.

It's an emotional affair and yes, they hurt people.

Yes, it's an EA. You are developing feelings for him and coming to rely on him. What next - meeting for a cheeky coffee?
The problem with crushes and EAs is that they're unreal - you don't have to deal with actually living with him and finding out things that irritate you. It's idealised.
Concentrate on your family. Find other people to practise your language with.

Looking online, it does meet the criteria of an emotional affair. I genuinely had not realised this. I actually see a lot of his flaws and would not want a relationship with him. He is demanding, harsh to girlfriends, quite touchy, set in his ways....I could go on. there will not a be any cheeky coffees, he lives in another country.
I suppose the bottom line, taking out this guy, is my feeling of being alone, despite being married. What do you do when you feel alone in a marriage? I love my husband but he just does not talk. He gets worse every year. We have been together for 17 years and it is seemingly getting harder and harder for him to open his mouth.

I just wanted to say thank you for the advice. Yet again, I feel like I have no one with whom I can confide. I worry a lot about judgement even from friends or my sister. I feel like if you tell people intimate things, you can never put the genie back in the bottle.

Its understandable and though by most peoples standards- you've crossed a line by sharing details of your private life, you haven't said anything sexual and nor do you want it to go there (I think). I'd say your biggest issue is your marriage. It sounds like you aren't happy

I’m not super happy, no. Maybe I expect too much after 17 years. Our sex life is great, no problems, we do not argue. I’d just like to talk properly a bit each day. Not deep heavy conversations, just chat. I find dh’s “conversations” are monologues mainly about his hobby and he doesn’t ask about me, my life. When I try to shoehorn something in about me, he seems less than interested. So you can imagine how it feels to get to talk to someone who actively listens, asks questions…basically holds an adult conversation. The conversations are not sexual, he often tells me how beautiful his girlfriend is, what a great weekend of sex they had etc…you know, gossipy things you say to a good friend. Even this guy can be guilty of mainly talking about himself, his problems, his emotions. The difference is he asks for advice, he wants to hear what I think and I know if I told him to shut up and listen he would.

The fact that you are hiding it means you know you are doing something wrong. Which means it’s hurting your marriage further.

Would you be ok with your DH phoning a woman every day at lunch, confiding in her, talking about her sex life, calling her his closest confidant? And hiding it, describing her as just a language exchange person.

Decide wether you want to fix your marriage so that you are happy and work on that. Make it clear to your dh you aren’t happy and don’t want to continue the marriage the way it is. If he won’t work on it, then it’s the end of the road. Counselling may help.

Not the point, but what language exchange site?

It was reassuring to read that you're pretty sure you would not want a romantic relationship with this man in real life, for various reasons. Add to that the fact that he lives in another country is good news.

What you and he have is an online friendship. At the moment it cheers you both. In itself, it isn't wrong.

However, you feel this friendship is taking attention away from your marriage, which has its own difficulties, and feel guilty. You are hurting yourself.

I don't know what I would do in your place but I hope I would try to reduce the time I spend online with the chap, don't take all his calls or respond to texts at work and when you are in contact, try to keep it light. Let him see there is more to your life than cyber contact with him.

These things have a way of fizzling out naturally. I hope you don't have too long to wait, op, with wish you the best of everything in the future.

Well my rule of thumb is, if you have to ask, it probably is.

Most posts like this are looking for affirmation for something the OP already knows is dangerous and wrong, theyre looking for other 'hopeless romantics' to bolster them and encourage them to do what they know in their heart of hearts is cruel, selfish or stupid.

@LBFseBrom I think you have summed it up pretty nicely really. I think keeping it light is great advice, and reducing the length and number of calls, sometimes not picking up etc. Sadly, this friendship doesnt really take anything from my marriage. That would involve there being some attention to take it away from. My husband has never been a big talker, but now he is almost mute and doesn’t see the problem in that.

@ProfessorXtra I won’t pretend it’s not depressing and lonely, but I can’t bear the thought of counselling. I Know I would end up crying and he’d be his usual silent self. It would be agonising.

@ThatFraggle it is just called MyLanguageExchange.com

It sounds like an emotional affair as you have become reliant on each other and discuss intimate topics. You need to work on your relationship with your DH.

I think the main thing is you are absolutely starved in your relationship. The loneliness and boredom sounds painful OP. Would you consider separation? A different life set up?

I don’t blame you for enjoying this new friendship (although I agree it is straying into EA territory). It would seem masochistic to give it up completely. Keep it light and try to address the gaping hole in your life in a new way - attaching to a new group would be better, an activity with multiple new friends and contacts: not solely relying on the feedback and interest from this rather broken man.

Show your husband the messages. I have a feeling he will talk and show emotion.

Don’t assume counselling won’t work. Tell him you want to make your marriage work. Intimacy creates connection which creates more intimacy. Gottmans work is a great starting point.

But you are having an emotional affair. Read just good friends by Shirley Glass - protect your marriage (and keep your integrity intact).

@Mongoosesorry thank you, that book looks great and I am going to get it. Read the first chapter on amazon and it seems to understand the reality.

How’s it different to a female best mate? I think you and others are hung up on it’s a bloke.

If it was a woman the op wouldn’t be hiding it from her husband.

I don’t think anyone would have an issue if op had talked about how her husband was fully aware and fine with it.

You feel guilty cos you fancy him. Which is fine if you don't cross the line. I'd tell dh about how much you talk though. Or it might end up looking bad for you when nothing is actually going on.

Side note, I don't think you go down the rabbit hole of infatuation if you have everything you want and need at home. This is from experience. I was in your position. I did the wrong thing. It didn't pay off.

This. You are having an emotional affair

I mean… it is possible for men and women to be friends, but the intensity here (sounds like you’re in very frequent contact) obviously has something to do with the deficiencies in your marriage. You need conversation and mental stimulation, but you’d probably feel better about it if you pursued female friendships.