Is this hurting anyone?

[Friendofafriend83]

I’d really appreciate some perspective and advice on a friendship I’ve formed. I’m married with children. I signed up to a language exchange site, partly to improve my second language, partly because I’m lonely. The man is single and has spent a lot of his life travelling for work. He has told me himself he doesn’t have friends, rarely contacts family, sleeps around a lot. Slowly but surely, we have built a friendship. It is obviously much easier to open up to a stranger and we tell each other things you couldn’t even tell a best friend. It is also nice because we both talk both languages fluently and mix them together in a way I cannot do with others. We joke about how we could destroy each other’s reputation with the stuff we know about each other. I feel guilty about the level of intimacy I have with him, even though it is purely a friendship. I have come to rely on him for advice and I think he is beginning to rely on me. He works long hours in finance but phones almost every day now at lunch and we talk about his latest love life troubles or little things that have been going on in my life. We can easily talk for 40/50 minutes. We don’t text much outside of the phone calls. There are no romantic overtones and we call each other friends. I know why I’m talking to him – I’m lonely and this friend provides the conversation and laughs my husband doesn’t. I guess he is also lonely, despite the stream of “friends with benefits”. When I asked him whether he had told his family and friends about his latest girlfriend, he said “yes, I’ve told you”.
What’s my question? I don’t know. I feel too attached to someone who is essentially a stranger, some guy I met online. Yet he is my best confidant, he is not judgmental, our chats improve my day. My husband does know I have a language exchange friend but doesn’t know how much we talk. I don’t know what I feel guilty about in a way because it is a friendship. But I do feel guilt. Is this hurting me? My husband? Him? Thanks if you got this far.

Have your husband and children in the room and hold your 40 minute conversation. I am pretty sure you will soon know if what you are doing is hurting anyone.

You’re having an emotional affair and you’re in the wrong. Tired cliche but if this was the other way around…LTB, ducks in a row, solicitor, blah blah.

Ask yourself what you'd feel if your husband was doing what you are doing. Then you have your answer.

The fact you’re hiding it from your DH speaks volumes, if you really thought it was an innocent friendship then why hide it? It clearly isn’t as platonic as you want to believe.

You pick the sex of who your talking to and they have profile photos.

Feels wrong and is "wrong" - perhaps curiosity has confirmed that your not as happy as you want(deserve) to be you could simply stop talking to this person but I think youll find the hole they will leave in your life will grow.

The trouble is, when you are lonely in your relationship I think you just keep getting into these situations because having no one to chat with really sucks. I do have female friends but the conversations always get stuck on kids and I don't trust most women not to gossip about anything I tell them. I know they do because they tell me things about others that they shouldn't and I hate it.

This.

Forgetting the problems in your relationship, if you had this type of conversation with a woman you wouldn't be feeling guilty.

I think your overthinking it because it's a man.

Don't deprive yourself of a good friendship. That's what life is for.

Forget the term "emotional affair." You've learned a valuable lesson here, which is what's missing from your marriage.

If I had a relationship like this with another man (and, actually, I have several), my DH would be delighted for me. That's because we have a close emotional connection that nothing can threaten.

What you do about the lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage is up to you. As a PP suggested, maybe talk to him about this. Or maybe don't bother, if you think it will just stir up a swarm of hornets.

Personally I think the whole point of a marriage is to experience that closeness, and if it's not there, what's the point?

I certainly wouldn't be sacrificing friendships that support and nourish me in blind loyalty to one that doesn't.

I think sometimes we are exposed to relationships that flag up what's missing from our life. Pretending not to see it does not help anything.

On the plus side, now you know and you can decide what to do about it.

You say you don't trust most women OP but not every woman is a gossip/cannot keep a confidence. It's not about the sex of a person, it's about their integrity.

How you feel if your husband did the same to you. Not amused I suspect.

I think you need to dial right back.

To the people who ask how I would feel if my husband had a friend like that. He does have two female colleagues with whom he is very close. He also regularly phones an old female work colleague. I don't think about it much honestly, although sometimes it hurts that he seems to be able to converse with them and not me. He couldn't say that about me, as I do try very hard to get conversation to flow between us.
@Alcemeg that is how I feel exactly. I have a friendship that makes me feel less lonely finally. I have someone to confide in who doesn't just take the information as gossip fodder. It is hard to end that friendship when what awaits me is no friendship and no conversation. And yes, that is what marriage should be. I really don't know if other married people talk. Maybe I expect too much.

And yes, that is what marriage should be. I really don't know if other married people talk. Maybe I expect too much.

"Maybe I expect too much" is what kept me in a miserable first marriage for almost 20 years.

It's all very well "honouring your vows" with 100% loyalty, but to what?

It did take me a while to marry again, and I made a lot of mistakes along the way. I was in my 50s when I finally met DH#2, after a series of crap relationships (I was so accustomed to abusive situations that they just "felt like home" until I tired of them).

DH#2 and I start and end every day with laughter and don't bother with a social life because we enjoy each other's company so much.

So, yes, it is possible. And, I think, essential.

But gosh, loneliness is such a terrible feeling, especially within a relationship. You can do better. More importantly, I think you will kick yourself if you and DH live well into your 90s and you still feel this way.

Of course you should talk. That’s not expecting too much. You are clearly unhappy in your marriage. That needs sorting one way or another

However, you can’t compare your husbands 2 friends to your friendship. As you clearly know about the friendships and know he has lots of contact with them. No one is saying you can’t have a friend or even a male friend. But the fact that you are hiding the friendship and hiding how often you are in touch, means you know it has the potential to hurt people and has stepped into inappropriate.

Who's hurting who?

Your DH doesn't show much interest in you as a human being. That's rather hurtful.

Worrying about overstepping boundaries with this friendship is pointless. You don't want a romantic relationship with this guy. That's not what this is about.

It's not your fault that enjoying conversation with him has flagged up a whole chasm in your life where true companionship should be.