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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adultwork again!! I need to know am doing the right thing ending 10years

26 replies

Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 12:12

So iv been with my other half 10 years but we don't live together we live 26miles apart ! In 10 years iv caught him on adultwork n other sites and I caught him again 6weeks ago .I need some kicks up the bum as tomorrow night iam going to finish this relationship and iv got severe anxiety and deppresion ( only since iv been with him )I love him very much and am going to be alone iv no friends nothing but as much as I love him there's no trust .my sex drives gone and iv no energy for this anymore but he's my best friend aswell but my life is at rock bottom since the last time iv caught him ( I looked at his phone ) I can't stop thinking about it .he's promised he never slept with one but as much as try to belive it its just making me low and I don't feel attractive at all my self esteem is gone .so he's been selfish going on those site so I need to put myself first as iv been drinking every day and I can't cope help

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 12:13

P.s this is the 10th time iv caught him

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 14/06/2023 12:27

Yes, you know it's time to end it. It's no wonder you're depressed and anxious. The person you go to for support is also the one betraying you. You describe him as your best friend but he's essentially your only friend from what you've described. You must have acquaintances? Family? Old friends you may have lost touch with? Reach out irl if you can. Build some support for yourself outside of him. Many old freinds have got in touch over the years and vice versa when crisis occurs and it builds renewed friendships. Don't be afraid to ask for help or a chat.

Axahooxa · 14/06/2023 12:34

You are doing the right thing. It’s hard to see that right now, but your instincts that this is totally wrong are spot on. Why do you feel so depressed? Anxious? Low in self-esteem? Because of this toxic relationship. He’s treating you very, very badly.

Bookworm20 · 14/06/2023 13:17

You are absolutely doing the right thing. And all those things you describe, the anxiety, low self esteem will start to fade once he ius out of your life and reinforcing them.

It will be hard, but you know he is not doing you any good whatsoever. Any good points he has (if any!) are meaningless because of the crap hes been doing to you.

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 14:22

Thank you so much for the message and your so right I just have no belief at all and the loneliness scares me shiteless

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Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 14:25

I cut them all off to hide what was happening with him n I wasn't the nicest person but iam nice and the guilt of pushing folk away eats me up ..

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Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 14:26

Its so hard because I love him and am scared to be alone

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Terrribletwos · 14/06/2023 14:32

Don't despair! Remind yourself every day this facade of a relationship is worse than being alone and is contributing to your state of anxiety. Bin him and take the alone time one day at a time. Keep busy and do stuff for yourself and, hopefully, in time you will see that you made the better choice.

lechatnoir · 14/06/2023 14:37

Get rid of him then reconnect with your old friends by telling them that arsehole is out of your life for good (and bloody mean it!) and apologise profusely for being an arsehole yourself when you were blinded by this idiot. I wouldn’t hesitate to resurrect a friendship in these circumstance and would admire a friend for being so honest.

GoldDuster · 14/06/2023 14:39

You're doing the right thing. You have had anxiety and depression since you have been with him because this is not a good relationship for you to be in. You have lost your friends, which is a classic sign.

You feel like you love him, and you're telling yourself that but this is not love. This isn't a loving relationship. It's codependancy and trauma bonding. You're telling yourself you are scared to be alone, but you are more alone now than you realise, and you're still ok. He doesn't give a shit about you really. He's not got your back. You can make new friends and get back in touch with the people you have lost because of this relationship. If one of them understands, then you're better off already. You have a chance to not be alone, but you need to get rid of him.

Most importantly, knowing you're being lied to and being told you're not is really really stressful, and truly terrible for your mental health. You will probably find that this stress lifts when he is out of your life, and you will start to be able to think more clearly and rebuild your life.

Do it. You can start again, but you need to get him out of your way. He is holding you back and ruining your life. Don't let him take another week of it, never mind another decade.

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 15:56

lechatnoir · 14/06/2023 14:37

Get rid of him then reconnect with your old friends by telling them that arsehole is out of your life for good (and bloody mean it!) and apologise profusely for being an arsehole yourself when you were blinded by this idiot. I wouldn’t hesitate to resurrect a friendship in these circumstance and would admire a friend for being so honest.

Absolutely this!

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 16:12

Thank you xx

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Artycrafts · 14/06/2023 20:56

Hope you get through this. He is demeaning you and you're wasting your life with him. He's not going to change x

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 20:57

I phoned n told him but hrs begging me not to end it help plz

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Gowlett · 14/06/2023 21:00

Is it a dating site, Adultwork?

Artycrafts · 14/06/2023 21:00

Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 20:57

I phoned n told him but hrs begging me not to end it help plz

Have none of it. He's repeating the same thing...10 times you’ve caught him. He doesn't respect you. Cut him off now, take the pain and time to heal and in the long run, you will be much better off

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 21:31

Yes over 10 times on it

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Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 21:32

Iv been drinking all day I don't know what to do ???

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Summerhillsquare · 14/06/2023 21:46

Gowlett · 14/06/2023 21:00

Is it a dating site, Adultwork?

Its a listing for buying sex.

OP, put down the bottle, and get some sleep. In the morning block him everywhere and sit down with a cuppa and a notepad, and start planning your new life.

GoldDuster · 14/06/2023 21:57

Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 21:32

Iv been drinking all day I don't know what to do ???

Stop drinking, have a pint of water and two nurofen and a piece of toast, turn your phone off and go to bed.

Tomorrow send him a text that says "it's over, if you contact me again I will see it as harrassment and involve the police"

Bag up everything that's his and take it to the tip, stick it in the wheely bin, and make a plan and stick to it.

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 14/06/2023 22:19

I can't stop drinking

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Opentooffers · 15/06/2023 02:24

How often did you see him? I don't see why he is to blame for pushing your friends away, that seems like a decision you have made, unless he coerced you to do it. Likewise, you are chosing alcohol as a crutch, but you know deep down it doesn't work.
Get help for your addiction, see your GP tomorrow. Alcohol is a depressant, so it's the last thing you need.
You need time on your own to put your life back together, don't think of dating again this year at least. Then, never put a man ahead of your friends and make them your world.
STI test and keep up to date with smears and block him on everything so he can't reel you in.

Original poster
Secretlyneedsmore · 15/06/2023 13:20

That's a bit harsh iv hid it n it's not exactly something I can tell my friends so no he's not to blame for me pushing them away iam but that's why

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Axahooxa · 16/06/2023 07:42

Hi @Secretlyneedsmore

GREAT that you’ve ended it.

He is now going to try to win you back by saying he’s changed, he did it because (insert daft excuse here), he needs you, etc., he’ll do that thing together you’d been hoping for…

He’s lying. Block him. No contact at all.

you need to heal.

SauceForTheGoose · 16/06/2023 07:44

I think that if you end it and focus on yourself you'll soon start to feel better. Being with a serial liar and cheater takes it toll on your self esteem.

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