Walked in on husband watching porn. Is he less interested in me?

[Katyannam]

I walked in on my husband watching porn on his phone. I didn't immediately realise, but he jumped up so suddenly and his trousers were unzipped. So it seems very likely.

We haven't been married long and haven't really talked about porn. He has said in the past that he doesn't watch it.

I guess it was awkward and a bit of a shock. I was taken aback and didn't act like I'd noticed - but he must have known I had.

I realise that a lot of couples have no issue with this.

It just particularly bothers me at the moment because he recently got back from a week-long trip abroad and didn't seem interested in sex the night he was back - even though he hadn't seen me for a week. He was affectionate in other ways though (hugs, told me a lot that he missed me).

Is it reasonable that I'm feeling hurt after that? Or am I being too sensitive?

It would bother me that he said he doesn't watch it but he clearly does!

the vast majority of men watch it, he was probably telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.

Theres no red flag for me here.

I know everyone has their own ideas about porn in relationships and I think whatever people are ok with in their own relationships is perfectly fine. My opinion on it is the opposite however. He was watching it while you were in the house with him? Sorry but this would gross me out. Getting off to other women while his wife is in the next room is too much, in my opinion.
You guys should have that convo now. You need to first think about what you are or aren’t happy with. Dont be bluffed with the ‘Every guy does it so you shouldn’t mind’ angle. Every man at some stage has watched porn but not every man continues to do so when they get into a real life relationship and are living with their partners. I understand sex drives can be mismatched but people can work around this without the use of pornography. Ultimately, I think you are justified in being upset he’s getting sexual gratification outside of his marriage. That’s very hurtful and in my opinion, disrespectful.

The not wanting sex wouldn’t bother me, maybe he was tired.

Watching porn would be a dealbreaker. I couldn’t be with a misogynystic man who thinks abusing women for men’s lazy wank is okey.

Lying would be another dealbreaker.

I’m sorry op.

Says wayyyyyyy more about your underlying issues than it does about his wanking habits.

Porn isn't just for repressing women you know, some of us even watch it too.

It's extremely controlling to dictate another person's masturbation habits. Maybe he didn't want the faff of massaging your fragile ego just to release some tension.

You didn't think he watched porn before you met him? Come on! Only on Mumsnet do women seem to believe that THEIR partners NEVER watch porn and, what's more, no woman EVER watches it either!

Just knock next time.

Oh the cool wives have arrived.
OP it would seriously bother me. Much like the normalisation of porn in current society bothers me, and the shoulder shrugs that accompany it.
Knock first, FFS! In your own house🙄

Most if not all men watch some kind of porn. Lots of women use porn.

Realistically, There must be so many women on here who say it's a dealbreaker for them who's husbands secretly use porn.

So you would just walk into the bathroom if the door was closed when someone was using it? 🙄

Sorry to hear that you are this lost in life.
Hope it things get better!

Oh the casual insults of other women who don't do things exactly the same way as you have arrived.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

Does he know anything about the porn industry?

It really doesn’t mean anything other than he fancied a wank. I watch porn regularly & I’m sure my dh does too but we still have regular sex. Just forget about it

“Am I too sensitive”

fuck me why is this asked every bloody time

if your husband or partner prioritises porn over shagging you and you DO mind missing being shagged then dump them. It’s no way to live.

Each to their own but it's a dealbreaker for me also

Once upon a time porn was a ridiculous video of a plumber arriving to "service the ladies requirements " and all dodgy moustaches and music

Now there is a high chance porn he watches either involves abuse or trafficking or the platform he's using (Pornhub) is one which does fuck all to stop the hundreds of DIY videos of rape and humiliation. Of course they won't say upfront that's what the content is but let's say it's a consensual thing, that woman must be in a pretty bad space to "participate ".

So yep. All part of a bigger supply chain and people are kidding themselves if they think it isn't. But hey, everyone is entitled to get their rocks off

Oh and my DH (together 23 years) doesn't watch it and finds it repulsive and degrading.

..so you would just walk into the bathroom when the door was closed...
Wait, what now? Er, no. Nobody mentioned bathrooms. HTH

You got me, it was an unthinking insult, I apologise for that. But not for the rest.

I think porn is gross and damaging and 90% minimum is probably deeply unethical or worse. The vast majority is also boring. If it was magicked away right now I’d be very happy. And yet, I still watch it.
And as it happens my wife doesn’t care in the slightest if I look at it, but even if she did I almost certainly still would. And, lastly, 20 years happily married and have sex 1-2 times a week. My point being that watching porn can mean an entire constellation of different bad things, but unless there is something more clearly indicative of dysfunction, it probably means nothing. Literally every man I know watches porn, Id be hiiiighly sceptical of a man who claims he doesn’t, unless he is asexual or genuinely deeply religious.

@Palmfrond then why do you watch it if you find it boring?

Why are you happy to consume material from an industry based around the exploitation and abuse of women?

It's just so grim.

If it was only porn, not sexting someone or taking dick pics, then not too bad. But combined with the week away and no sex on return, I'd be more suspicious his bad habit wasn't porn.

@ChrisTrepidation It’s an impulsive thing. I think impulsivity is a strong component in male sexuality in particular.
Snd you’re right, it is grim. There are tiny pockets of the internet where one can find pornographic material that is slightly less grim, but I’m not seeking absolution , just giving what I hope comes across as an honest perspective.

@palmfrond

Male sexuality is honestly beyond me. I choose not to date because I cannot tolerate the base aspects of male behaviour.

It's depressing but I would rather just be alone.

A 2023 YouGov survey found that 50% of men watch, or have watched it, while 15% of women do/have. To be honest, I'm surprised it's that low, as a survey in America found it was closer to 95%.

A 2018 survey found 96% of British men masturbate and 78% of British women.
(I'm not sure if I can post the links)

Is it the porn itself that disgusts people or the psychological 'infidelity'?... If it's the infidelity, if you've ever masturbated and thought of anyone but your partner, either visually, or mentally, isn't that unfaithful in the same way? As for the 'provenance' of the porn, I'd imagine it's like eating meat... very few people think of where it comes from, just that it tastes good.

There is no agenda here, literally just thinking out loud (apologies for the analogies if they offended anyone).

As for the OP, I'd imagine it was just an itch he wanted to scratch without bothering the OP. Partners aren't always keen on sex. Were you busy? Had he asked at that moment, would it have happened?

@C1N1C 50%?? I don’t think so!