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Original poster

Strip do, 9 months pregnant. Am I overreacting?

71 replies

Buttercup199 · 13/06/2023 21:11

First post here, long time mumsnet watcher

My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost two year, I have a 5 year old son who live with us and he has a 9 year old who shares custody with.

This was a planned pregnancy and I’m now due in 18 days.

Bf was invited on a stag do to Benidorm when I was about 4 months, he knew how close it was to due date and I didn’t want him to go. Went and booked flights anyway. Luckily didn’t go into labour early and dismissed the fact that I have a traumatic delivery last time.

I’m usually pretty confident, attractive, happy with myself but obviously really very pregnant now. I didn’t call
or message while he was away. He checked in with me in morning and said he’d be on a flight straight home if anything happened with baby. He was away for three nights

My issue is that he went to a strip club, lied that he walked straight out (after seeing on bank statements, I know this isn’t true). I feel it’s kind of disrespectful when I’m this heavily pregnant and doesn’t make me feel great about myself. Maybe this is my own issue. He insisted he hasn’t done anything wrong and it was just a stag do and the normal. His friend joked infront of me a few weeks a go about brothels and strip clubs and bf told him to stop talking like that in front of me.

I haven’t raised it with him yet, obviously he didn’t walk out and they weren’t all ugly like he said lol. Tempted to get an sti test and we’ve had sex since he’s been back.

No idea how to feel, maybe pregnancy hormones but I don’t usually like this kind of thing anyway due to life experience and past relationships. Friends and family are raising eyebrows why he was in Benidorm when I’m about to drop

Would you be okay with bf or husband in strip club in Benidorm when you are 9 months pregnant?

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 14/06/2023 12:52

My issue is that he went to a strip club, lied that he walked straight out (after seeing on bank statements, I know this isn’t true).

I've been to a strip club twice when younger (out of a sense of obligation to the stag, wouldn't now). I've never spent more than the cost of a drink. If he's spending money on dances then I think you are probably incompatible.

Fundamentally it's not unreasonable for strip clubs to be a red line for you. Be clear about what you won't put up with- then believe his behaviour, not his words.

Bookworm20 · 14/06/2023 12:57

HowPeople say it's terrible but at the end of the day he's not going to leave his mates and go and sit back in the hotel on his own. The stick he would get for it from his mates would not be worth it.

Sorry, but what? But why the hell not?

If he'd rather cheat on his pregnant partner, lie to her and leave her feeling devestated simply so he didn't face a 'bit of stick' from his mates then he is 100% the shittiest type of man going.

I mean really. Any man who would rather risk his entire relationship and causing any amount of emotional pain to his gf/wife over upsetting his mate a little bit is a prize dick. And not a man. Just a spineless little twat. How can any woman find that attractive?

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 13:08

I wouldn't be ok with the strip club or with him leaving you this close to the due date. He sounds like an utter twat.

readingismycardio · 14/06/2023 13:13

What a charmer. Envy -> not envy. Why would you want to have a child with this man?

GCalltheway · 14/06/2023 13:14

The fact that he ignored you and left anyway would be a dealbreaker - the strip club visit aside. I could not bear to have a man like yours anywhere near me, and certainly not my newborn. He sounds dirty, depraved and nowhere near companion for life material.

Tryingtohelp12 · 14/06/2023 13:16

Only you know your boyfriend. My husband has been forced into a strip club twice (once for a work thing and once on a stag (family stag so my dad was also forced in! ) he hates anything like that and I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t enjoy or have chosen it as an activity himself. I’ve been in similar situations on a hen do in Amsterdam where it was like a sex show thing. Not my bag but am not going to be the person who makes a big deal of not going in. So when it happened to my husband I believed him. He told me he went in got a drink and headed outside to the smoking area with it (he doesn’t smoke).

So it boils down to- what kinda person do YOU think your boyfriend is? Only you know not a load of strangers online

ps the going away wasn’t great though. But if booked at 4months the reality may not have really set in for him yet.

Mythril · 14/06/2023 13:22

If DH had left on a stag do when I was 9 months pregnant he wouldn't have been welcome back into the house upon his return. I can't think of a better way to show little you care for your wife/girlfriend.

Laurdo · 14/06/2023 13:25

Honestly wouldn't bother me if my DH went to a strip club on a stag do. I know he doesn't like them so would only be going because everyone else was. He knows I wouldn't be bothered by him going however if I did say that I wasn't comfortable with it then he absolutely wouldn't go.

The issue here isn't him going to a strip club, it's him completely disregarding your feelings. Going abroad so close to your due date when you've asked him not to was a total selfish asshole move. The fact he lied to you about the strip club shows he knew you'd be uncomfortable about it yet he did it anyway. He clearly has no respect for you at all.

Laurdo · 14/06/2023 13:29

Tryingtohelp12 · 14/06/2023 13:16

Only you know your boyfriend. My husband has been forced into a strip club twice (once for a work thing and once on a stag (family stag so my dad was also forced in! ) he hates anything like that and I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t enjoy or have chosen it as an activity himself. I’ve been in similar situations on a hen do in Amsterdam where it was like a sex show thing. Not my bag but am not going to be the person who makes a big deal of not going in. So when it happened to my husband I believed him. He told me he went in got a drink and headed outside to the smoking area with it (he doesn’t smoke).

So it boils down to- what kinda person do YOU think your boyfriend is? Only you know not a load of strangers online

ps the going away wasn’t great though. But if booked at 4months the reality may not have really set in for him yet.

Exactly this. I could leave my DH for a week in a room with 100 naked supermodels and know nothing would have happened. The fact OP is considered an STI test shows there's trust issues. That niggling feeling isn't there for no reason.

Tryingtohelp12 · 14/06/2023 13:58

Laurdo · 14/06/2023 13:29

Exactly this. I could leave my DH for a week in a room with 100 naked supermodels and know nothing would have happened. The fact OP is considered an STI test shows there's trust issues. That niggling feeling isn't there for no reason.

Show quote history

Yes! I just laughed when he told me - I knew how much he would hate it. I’m surprised how many people this is a ‘hard line’ for. Other than cheating/abuse/lying I don’t think I would describe a hard line in relationships. It discourages open communication/ encourages lying ? 🤷‍♀️

MammaTo · 14/06/2023 13:59

The strip club I wouldn’t be overly happy with but these things do happen in Benidorm on stag do’s (been on numerous hen do’s there) so I would probably just have a gob on about that.

But going away when 9 months pregnant I’d of lost my shit tbh. My partner didn’t leave my side in the run up to giving birth before Christmas and cancelled nights out etc.

I think it sets the tone for how he’ll be once the baby’s here sadly.

CurlewKate · 14/06/2023 14:00

I wouldn't be happy with mine in a strip club regardless of circumstances. Or any other indication that he doesn't care about exploited women.

cakebytheoceon · 14/06/2023 14:10

My husband has been on a stag where there was a stripper, I didn't particularly like it but he was best man and completely honest from the start about it. I think the biggest issue here is the fact your partner left you to go abroad with someone he isn't particularly close to while you could potentially go into Labor, he sounds like a selfish prick 😞

Watchkeys · 14/06/2023 14:15

Over reactions are actions, @Buttercup199 . You haven't taken any action.

What you're essentially saying is 'Am I over feeling?', and this is a huge invalidation of how you actually do feel. Feelings can't be wrong, or too much, or nice or nasty. They just are. Like weather. They're just there, and they come and go, and you enjoy some and you like others less. Some you can't stand, but, nonetheless, there they are. And that's it. No judgement.

Actions are what solve/cause the problems. So, he goes to a strip club, and you cut up all his underpants and throw his laptop off the top of a high building: over reaction. He goes to a strip club and you tell him that you're not happy, and you're leaving/you need to talk about this/you need xyz from him in order to go forward: healthy boundaries.

Maybe this is my own issue

Yes. You, personally, have an issue, in that you don't like what he's done, that he has every right to do. Do you think you should just dismiss it, because it's just 'your feelings'? Why? Why are your feelings so unimportant?

toomuchlaundry · 14/06/2023 14:24

I hope people are bringing up their sons to have more integrity than a number of posters' partners have. Much rather upset their partner and support the sex trade than tell their mates they don't want to join in an activity.

Sugargliderwombat · 14/06/2023 14:41

I think leaving you is the worst part by far. Then the lying about the strip club.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/06/2023 15:10

In this instance I’d assume a level of alcohol and peer pressure

it’s crappy but stag do are

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 14/06/2023 15:21

toomuchlaundry · 14/06/2023 14:24

I hope people are bringing up their sons to have more integrity than a number of posters' partners have. Much rather upset their partner and support the sex trade than tell their mates they don't want to join in an activity.

…. But do remember!
All the men HATED it!
🙄
Like that makes it okey.
Incredible what some women choose to believe!

Original poster
Buttercup199 · 14/06/2023 15:35

Thank you for everyone’s point of view on it. I just needed some validation that what I was asking wasn’t too much. There’s unfortunately not much I can do until the baby’s here. I’m trying not to stress myself out anymore and focus on my birth and not getting myself down

He's changed during pregnancy, phone password was changed while arranging the stag party two months ago whilst on family holiday, I got told I’m not his ball and chain which his reasoning on going, he booked flights without telling me - to the people who are questioning why I would want a baby with this man, I quite bluntly don’t anymore. I’m at my most vulnerable currently and he’s aware of that. It’s a bit too late now and I need to make the most of the situation for my son and soon to be little girl

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 14/06/2023 15:40

He called you his ball and chain?

Fuck me.

Where do you live? Is your house I'm both your names?

He's horrible op. He'll just get worse once the baby is here if you don't get rid.

AgathaX · 14/06/2023 15:42

He sounds grim. Do you have support from other people, family or friends? I think you'd be better off without him and so would your children.

Babdoc · 14/06/2023 15:47

It’s becoming abundantly clear why his first relationship broke down. This one looks like it’s heading the same way. I think I’d be comparing notes with his ex.

disturbingthepeace · 14/06/2023 16:33

Op, your update is so very sad. But you are right. concentrate right now on the upcoming birth of your baby girl, and yourself and then you can start deciding whats best to do.

Some men are just so shitty, its not actually comprehensible to us. But right now, he doesn't deserve any of your focus or attention. Save that for you and the dc.

Good luck with the birth and I hope things get easier for you in the next few months.

Peaches92 · 30/10/2023 20:26

Strip club is one thing, some women would mind and some wouldn’t, but strip club when gf is heavily pregnant is another. Also being abroad while you are so far gone is not good abandoning you like that. I remember my ex going away a month before I was due I felt panicked in case the baby came early so I think not overreacting one bit and hope you aren’t stressing too much.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/10/2023 20:46

What did you think he’d be doing in Benidorm on a stag do? Afternoon teas? Bridge? Wine tasting?

It’s not ideal and I can see why you are upset but it wouldn’t bother me. I went to Benidorm when I was about 20 with 15 girls, you literally couldn’t avoid a strip club, so many bars had strippers and sex performers. I never went looking for naked performers but they’re everywhere. I wasn’t objectifying any of the men I saw, I wasn’t remotely turned on.

In an ideal world your partner would have said… ‘Look lads, my girlfriend is pregnant at home so I’m going to give the strip joint a miss and go back to the apartment for a camomile tea. You lads have a cracking time, have a San Miguel for me yeah?! Cheerio, see you at breakfast. Don’t drink too much!’ But he’d never hear the end of it and he’d get the piss ripped out of him.

He doesn’t go on them much now as all his mates are married off, but my DH had a few years of going to stag dos all in European cities, inevitably strip joints were involved and my DH said he always went, but never really enjoyed them but had to go as so many blokes did want to go. I get it. (And yes he could be bullshiting and was on that front row tucking twenty quid in a dancer’s knickers but I genuinely think a lot of men go along with it so not to be the party pooper.)