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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I be angry at this?

47 replies

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 20:59

Have posted before but NC for this as could be outing.

Recently went to a family funeral, got back quite late, was worn out and had been feeling a bit unwell all week. DH had an unexpected day off the following day, I am usually off that day. He offered to take the DC to school and I could have a lie in, I said I’d see in the morning. In the morning he again insisted he’d take them, so he did but I had got up to make sure youngest had got everything. While he was out I started doing some jobs. When he came back he hung around not doing much, so I went in the shower. When I came out the shower he was in bed and asked if I could get in with him. This is the crux of the story, although it seemed like a nice thing to do to take the kids to school I suspected there was an ulterior motive and he admitted he had hoped I would still be in bed when he got back and we could have some time together. He knows this is my day to get jobs done, we’d had a busy week and had one of the DC birthday on the weekend to come so had stuff to get ready for that. Maybe that was why he wanted to do it as we wouldn’t have much time at the weekend. Anyway I said I had some shopping booked so would have to be quick even though I didn’t really want to do it. He also said I was my fault as I’d made him horny even though I hadn’t done anything. He does seem to have a habit of trying to make out he is doing something nice for me when really he just wants sex, so should I be more angry that he did this or is it normal that he would want sex while we are alone?

OP posts:
HerMammy · 13/06/2023 21:05

I really can't see what there is to be angry about, he took the kids to school and came back hoping for some time with you.
Seems he can't do anything right in your eyes.

NameChangeyy · 13/06/2023 21:06

Your husband wants to have sex with you and facilitated it to the best of his ability by telling you to take the morning off for a lie in, getting up and getting the kids out to school, and you're wondering if you should be angry about it?

I mean you can be angry for whatever reason you choose but it wouldn't even cross my mind to be angry at my DH if he did this.

Society / media shoves down all our throats that women don't want sex cause we're so tired all the time from child rearing and keeping house. Hardly his fault he's bought into that and proactively tried to fix the problem and provide a solution...

Just my two pence

GreenIsTheMagicColour · 13/06/2023 21:09

This is the kind of thing my DH does and I actually appreciate it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:18

It just felt that he only did something nice so he could get something in return, rather than doing something nice to be nice as I had just been to a funeral the day before and hadn’t been feeling well all week and had lots to do. He has also previously pushed me to still have sex even when I’ve said I don’t feel well.

OP posts:
KatyKopykat · 13/06/2023 21:21

I can see your point as if you were tricked. If he'd been upfront about it (and probably done a few of those jobs you were going to do) you might have felt differently.

KatyKopykat · 13/06/2023 21:22

Also telling you it's your fault for making him horny is manipulative.

Tillybud81 · 13/06/2023 21:24

Maybe take a closer look at why you're angry about this and don't really want to have sex with him when he's done something nice for you.

You're stating him doing something nice is just a way for him to get sex, why aren't you seeing it as bonus you both get "alone" time together?

jelly79 · 13/06/2023 21:28

You do t want sec which is obviously completely fine but I think you are looking for a way to blame him for that. I think he has been nice here sorry

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:38

Yes I suppose I’m not really that bothered about having sex but not helped by feeling like I’m being pushed into it when I don’t really want to and had lots of things I had to do. What would have been nice would have been to do stuff to help without expecting something in return but i guess it’s not a priority for me.

OP posts:
Discretionassured · 13/06/2023 21:42

He has also previously pushed me to still have sex even when I’ve said I don’t feel well

This puts a different spin on it for me and is probably why you felt manipulated rather than pleased to have some child-free time with him. I wish men realised how much of a turn off being pressured into sex is for women and I completely get why it felt manipulative to you OP, it was almost transactional what he did this morning.

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Obviously I’m in the minority but I thought it was selfish to prioritise his needs without any regard for what I had going on, something he does regularly in my opinion.

OP posts:
Asterales · 13/06/2023 21:46

I'm really surprised by the posts from pp. Him taking the DC to school and then presenting sex as a fait accompli as a result of that is utterly grim. As if he'll only do that (a totally normal bit of parenting) if there's sex in it for him. And if it turns out there isn't, he's all sad and disappointed and downtrodden. No, OP, you're not being unreasonable. Sex should be mutually desired, not transactional.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/06/2023 21:48

I think that sounds lovely! I also got propersitiond this morning but he let me do the school run first! :D

wildfirewonder · 13/06/2023 21:48

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:18

It just felt that he only did something nice so he could get something in return, rather than doing something nice to be nice as I had just been to a funeral the day before and hadn’t been feeling well all week and had lots to do. He has also previously pushed me to still have sex even when I’ve said I don’t feel well.

You have to trust your instincts. If he makes you feel angry, that is a feeling you are allowed to have. It doesn't matter what other people say/think - this is you in your relationship. None of us know your DP.

wildfirewonder · 13/06/2023 21:48

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Obviously I’m in the minority but I thought it was selfish to prioritise his needs without any regard for what I had going on, something he does regularly in my opinion.

If he has no regard for you, that is just cause to be angry.

Gardendad · 13/06/2023 21:49

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Obviously I’m in the minority but I thought it was selfish to prioritise his needs without any regard for what I had going on, something he does regularly in my opinion.

But Im not sure you were clear as to your needs. He offered to take kids to school, he did, he came back. You figured potential sex was 'payback' for school run. He probably didnt. If you have a problem with having sex for whatever reason it would be best to calmly discuss and agree together.

Pissedoffandcovidy · 13/06/2023 21:56

I think for those saying they wouldn’t get angry at this, they’re thinking of sex as a mutually pleasurable activity, whereas for you it is a chore, something you give to him. Do you ever feel like having sex? It’s obviously not ok to be pressured into it.

Tillybud81 · 13/06/2023 22:10

Pissedoffandcovidy · 13/06/2023 21:56

I think for those saying they wouldn’t get angry at this, they’re thinking of sex as a mutually pleasurable activity, whereas for you it is a chore, something you give to him. Do you ever feel like having sex? It’s obviously not ok to be pressured into it.

This is the crux of the issue, the OP feels.like she's being pressured into sex and I'm sure her husband doesn't see it that way at all. OP you nees to have a good talk with your DH and work out why you're feeling like this.

And don't get me wrong I was in your position for years, I didn't want sex, felt like a chore, felt pressure to do it when I didn't want to. I just didn't want him like that any more. But you have to remember that he's not the bad guy cos he wants to have sex with his wife, thats called normal, you have to work out what works for you though

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 22:10

Gardendad · 13/06/2023 21:49

But Im not sure you were clear as to your needs. He offered to take kids to school, he did, he came back. You figured potential sex was 'payback' for school run. He probably didnt. If you have a problem with having sex for whatever reason it would be best to calmly discuss and agree together.

He said he thought I would still be in bed, so to me it seemed clear that he took them to school so I would still be in bed. He also knew we had stuff to do to get ready for the weekend.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 13/06/2023 22:18

I'm also surprised at the responses. He did the school run on a day he has off while OP feels unwell. OP does it on that day every week without fail. He didn't even manage to get all the children ready.

It would put me off him implying he needs to be rewarded with sex when I feel crap for doing the basic level of parenting he did.

Further to that, I personally hate being told I make DH horny by doing basically nothing. It does not make me feel all hot and loved up.

Herbiebanannas · 13/06/2023 22:22

KatyKopykat · 13/06/2023 21:22

Also telling you it's your fault for making him horny is manipulative.

Depends how it was said.

i would take that as a compliment and quite set to be honest. He is saying that by just being around and being you and looking like you you make him horny.

Poor bloke can’t win!

Herbiebanannas · 13/06/2023 22:24

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Obviously I’m in the minority but I thought it was selfish to prioritise his needs without any regard for what I had going on, something he does regularly in my opinion.

Maybe he thought/hoped/expected that having sex together would be something you would enjoy and get pleasure from as well?

It doesn’t sound an unreasonable assumption from someone you are married to

Crazycrazylady · 13/06/2023 22:27

I think the crux of the matter is really that you seem to see sex as something just for him where he may see it as a mutual thing.
I get you felt 'pressured' but not sure he did much wrong here in rushing back hoping to join you in bed .

Valour · 13/06/2023 22:32

Herbiebanannas · 13/06/2023 22:24

Maybe he thought/hoped/expected that having sex together would be something you would enjoy and get pleasure from as well?

It doesn’t sound an unreasonable assumption from someone you are married to

This! I think that with the upheaval of the funeral, and you not feeling brilliant, some time together and some physical intimacy might have been welcomed.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/06/2023 22:37

Pissedoffandcovidy · 13/06/2023 21:56

I think for those saying they wouldn’t get angry at this, they’re thinking of sex as a mutually pleasurable activity, whereas for you it is a chore, something you give to him. Do you ever feel like having sex? It’s obviously not ok to be pressured into it.

Absolutely this.

I think if you are at the stage with your spouse where him wanting to enjoy sex with you, when you have what is probably a rare opportunity with young kids, and you'd rather sort the shopping out - then do you even like him?

No judging, it was only with hindsight following my divorce that I realised I hadn't liked my ex husband most of the time for years. Sex was a chore, that whole farce of pretending to be asleep. Years of it. But life was generally good and I had my memories so rode on those for ages.

Anyway, my point is, I expect from the way you've written your post, which is jumping to negative whatever he does, (or even if he is awful and this was valid - it's the same result) that you simply don't like him whatsoever any more.