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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I be angry at this?

47 replies

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 20:59

Have posted before but NC for this as could be outing.

Recently went to a family funeral, got back quite late, was worn out and had been feeling a bit unwell all week. DH had an unexpected day off the following day, I am usually off that day. He offered to take the DC to school and I could have a lie in, I said I’d see in the morning. In the morning he again insisted he’d take them, so he did but I had got up to make sure youngest had got everything. While he was out I started doing some jobs. When he came back he hung around not doing much, so I went in the shower. When I came out the shower he was in bed and asked if I could get in with him. This is the crux of the story, although it seemed like a nice thing to do to take the kids to school I suspected there was an ulterior motive and he admitted he had hoped I would still be in bed when he got back and we could have some time together. He knows this is my day to get jobs done, we’d had a busy week and had one of the DC birthday on the weekend to come so had stuff to get ready for that. Maybe that was why he wanted to do it as we wouldn’t have much time at the weekend. Anyway I said I had some shopping booked so would have to be quick even though I didn’t really want to do it. He also said I was my fault as I’d made him horny even though I hadn’t done anything. He does seem to have a habit of trying to make out he is doing something nice for me when really he just wants sex, so should I be more angry that he did this or is it normal that he would want sex while we are alone?

OP posts:
Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 22:39

Tillybud81 · 13/06/2023 22:10

This is the crux of the issue, the OP feels.like she's being pressured into sex and I'm sure her husband doesn't see it that way at all. OP you nees to have a good talk with your DH and work out why you're feeling like this.

And don't get me wrong I was in your position for years, I didn't want sex, felt like a chore, felt pressure to do it when I didn't want to. I just didn't want him like that any more. But you have to remember that he's not the bad guy cos he wants to have sex with his wife, thats called normal, you have to work out what works for you though

Yes you’re right there’s nothing wrong with him wanting sex with his wife, I suppose it’s a vicious circle. Because I have a problem with being assertive and saying no if I don’t want to, I just go along with it and sometimes I end up enjoying it but because I go along with it it can end up feeling like a chore which puts me off. Maybe if we did it less often but felt more spontaneous rather than expected I’d enjoy it more and be more up for it. What did you do in the end @Tillybud81 ?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:43

Asterales · 13/06/2023 21:46

I'm really surprised by the posts from pp. Him taking the DC to school and then presenting sex as a fait accompli as a result of that is utterly grim. As if he'll only do that (a totally normal bit of parenting) if there's sex in it for him. And if it turns out there isn't, he's all sad and disappointed and downtrodden. No, OP, you're not being unreasonable. Sex should be mutually desired, not transactional.

Thank God for this reply. Yes to all this.

(PPs must be delusional).

OP was not feeling great, and tired following a family funeral. Her H did not do anything 'nice' for her - he brought his own kids to school. Then he expected sex, and furthermore sex that followed OP being up & about doing household jobs - really, was it likely she'd feel in the mood in that situation?
And finally, she had somehow made him horny so all her fault anyway.

Every bit of this made me 🤢

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2023 22:46

Crazycrazylady · 13/06/2023 22:27

I think the crux of the matter is really that you seem to see sex as something just for him where he may see it as a mutual thing.
I get you felt 'pressured' but not sure he did much wrong here in rushing back hoping to join you in bed .

I agree with this. DH suggesting we have sex feels to me like an offer of something I’ll enjoy, not a request I do something for him. And vice versa, I hope.

That’s your issue here, not what actually happened.

You repeat you weren’t up for it because of the funeral and feeling of colour. If neither had been the case how would you have responded?

It sounds like you still wouldn’t have welcomed it because you’d rather not be having sex with him at all.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:46

He is saying that by just being around and being you and looking like you you make him horny

JFC

From the OP:

He also said I was my fault as I’d made him horny even though I hadn’t done anything. He does seem to have a habit of trying to make out he is doing something nice for me when really he just wants sex

Nothing in that is sexy or romantic.

It's whiny 'it's your fault I'm turned on', Blaming OP for her H wanting sex - and her not giving it to him.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:48

This! I think that with the upheaval of the funeral, and you not feeling brilliant, some time together and some physical intimacy might have been welcomed.

These replies!

Valour if you've been at a family funeral (so assuming someone relatively close, feeling sad) and are also physically unwell, your pick-me-up is sexy time with your DH / DP, on a day when you've a lot to do.

Really????

Tillybud81 · 13/06/2023 22:50

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 22:39

Yes you’re right there’s nothing wrong with him wanting sex with his wife, I suppose it’s a vicious circle. Because I have a problem with being assertive and saying no if I don’t want to, I just go along with it and sometimes I end up enjoying it but because I go along with it it can end up feeling like a chore which puts me off. Maybe if we did it less often but felt more spontaneous rather than expected I’d enjoy it more and be more up for it. What did you do in the end @Tillybud81 ?

I left him. It wasn't just the intimacy issues but it was the biggest issue. I realised I was having sex so often when I didn't want to and felt so guilty if I didn't. He deserves more than me having sex with him out of feeling an obligation.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad though, maybe your issues are just a blip. Do you want to still have sex with him if he changed the way he "asked" for it? Do you initiate at all? Don't be too hard on yourself or him, talking is always key

ThatFraggle · 13/06/2023 22:50

Someone who thinks doing a basic, daily childcare duty (school run) deserves a reward, sounds like the kind of guy who 'babysits' his own kids and 'helps' around the house.

That will dry anyone right up.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:51

That’s your issue here, not what actually happened.

Surely the 2 are connected?

I know we are all different, but the expectation I'd have sex with a partner who just did basic parenting, when I'm sick, tired & busy, would be a massive turn-off, not just re sex on that occasion but my spouse's overall attraction.

It's absolutely one thing if there's a shared agreement that sex is something both people want in this situation but it sounds like the least sexy situation ever.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:51

ThatFraggle · 13/06/2023 22:50

Someone who thinks doing a basic, daily childcare duty (school run) deserves a reward, sounds like the kind of guy who 'babysits' his own kids and 'helps' around the house.

That will dry anyone right up.

Yes!

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:53

OP, in terms of your situation, I think you need an honest discussion. I think he sounds completely unattractive, but maybe it's just the situation.

Perhaps a clear discussion on how you feel about sex / timing / frequency might resolve matters. <said doubtfully>

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2023 22:57

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:48

This! I think that with the upheaval of the funeral, and you not feeling brilliant, some time together and some physical intimacy might have been welcomed.

These replies!

Valour if you've been at a family funeral (so assuming someone relatively close, feeling sad) and are also physically unwell, your pick-me-up is sexy time with your DH / DP, on a day when you've a lot to do.

Really????

I can’t speak for them but I’ve often wanted to have sex when sad about something, pretty sure we did it after a funeral once too. It’s one of the quickest easiest ways to take your mind off it, if it’s good and with someone you find comforting and are close to. We’re all different.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2023 22:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

That wasn't the scenario tho, was it?

I too have wanted sex when sad, and to be comforted.

However OP was tired after a family funeral, and unwell (for a few days). She'd been up sorting DC for school & then had jobs to do, which her H was aware of.

The combination of all those factors is what sounds very unlikely to make sex a top priority or desire, and was my point to PP

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/06/2023 23:17

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/06/2023 21:48

I think that sounds lovely! I also got propersitiond this morning but he let me do the school run first! :D

He ‘let you do the school run first’ - what a gent…

paulaparticles · 13/06/2023 23:18

You will always have household jobs to do every day im sure. He saw an opportunity we're you we're both at home with no children. My husband would be the same. I love it better when children are out the house surely it would suit you both too ? so he didn't ask the night before ? Let you sleep i presume ? He's prob thinking when will you have a chance like that again with no children in the house and you both home alone.

Abouttimemum · 13/06/2023 23:23

If this was DH and I:

DH - I’ll run the kids to school this morning
Me - sounds great
*both get up and get sorted and I’d probably have a brew in peace and potter while he was on school run
DH on return - shall we go back to bed?
Me - amazing yeah

Quick orgasms all round and maybe a snooze, and then on with the day.

We literally never get to do this so it would be a dream! Also DH doing school run wouldn’t be ‘doing something nice for me’, he’d just be parenting like we both do every day.

Sounds like there’s much more to this than not being able to enjoy a lazy morning in bed!

SunflowerTed · 13/06/2023 23:33

Feel sorry for the poor guy

Stefanodad · 13/06/2023 23:57

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable here at all.

A male perspective:

We went through a phase in our relationship (my partner and I) where she didn’t want sex very often (we have 3 young children) and I was attracted to her and frustrated. My attempts at initiating sex were clumsy and ill-timed and I would interpret any affection as an invitation to try to make it lead towards sex, which, of course was a turn off and an irritation for her making things things worse. Eventually she spelled all this out, gave me a good talking to and I understood and had a word with myself. I also read Come As You Are which I found helpful.

Now she still wants sex less than me, but more than before and it’s better sex. I don’t hassle her. I enjoy affection for what it is and wait for her signals. If we’re alone in the house I’ll sometimes ask if she wants to have sex and guess what? Sometimes she does. If I’m sexually frustrated I’ll have a wank.

it’s not easy when you love someone and there’s sexual attraction and you want some skin on skin but you have to wait, it’s deserving of empathy. Speak to him firmly but with compassion and explain why what he’s doing is no good. if you love one another you can solve this problem and you’ll both be happier:

Gardendad · 14/06/2023 00:02

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 22:10

He said he thought I would still be in bed, so to me it seemed clear that he took them to school so I would still be in bed. He also knew we had stuff to do to get ready for the weekend.

Ok. So. He took them to school because he said he would. You think its because he was angling for sex. You also think that he should know about weekend planning which is fine but you could also have had sex if you both wanted. To me, reading your post it seems like you really dont want to have sex. Thats OK but to be fair to your partner and relationship you should be clear on that. Then he can make decisions knowing that. Its not unreasonable for him to expect to have sex with your partner.

EyelessArseFace · 14/06/2023 00:03

Anon1234567891 · 13/06/2023 21:44

Obviously I’m in the minority but I thought it was selfish to prioritise his needs without any regard for what I had going on, something he does regularly in my opinion.

I agree with you. Nobody's going to feel in the mood for sex when they feel under the weather and still thinking about the funeral they went to the day before. It's almost as if your feelings didn't matter...

Gardendad · 14/06/2023 00:04

Abouttimemum · 13/06/2023 23:23

If this was DH and I:

DH - I’ll run the kids to school this morning
Me - sounds great
*both get up and get sorted and I’d probably have a brew in peace and potter while he was on school run
DH on return - shall we go back to bed?
Me - amazing yeah

Quick orgasms all round and maybe a snooze, and then on with the day.

We literally never get to do this so it would be a dream! Also DH doing school run wouldn’t be ‘doing something nice for me’, he’d just be parenting like we both do every day.

Sounds like there’s much more to this than not being able to enjoy a lazy morning in bed!

This is how we often fit in sex. Life is too short not to take the time if you both want.

Zoomie1 · 14/06/2023 00:14

I am completely with you OP. He did basic parenting and hoped for sex in return. That does not feel very 'loving or mutual'. Seems he didn't check out how you felt and it was his 'expectation/hope' for sex that was at the centre. Sex when the pressure is on and kids are young should never feel like being coerced. I put up with this kind of 'exchange' for years until he finally walked out for another woman. I felt that sex was a chore and I began to hate him and his 'desire' for me' when I was completely shattered. Examine honestly why you didn't want sex and work from there as this will come up time and time again. Until you get sick of it.

RantyAnty · 14/06/2023 04:08

So he did the very bare minimum of parenting with you having to get them ready and all and he comes back thinking he deserves a gold star and sex.

Did he actually do anything that needed to be done around the house on his day off? Cooking, cleaning, chores?

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