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Original poster

Sick of 'hyper-logical' DP

60 replies

drowninginlogic · 13/06/2023 14:49

Been with DP for 2 years, moved in together 5 months ago. DP describes himself as 'hyper-logical' ALL THE TIME.

He either takes things too seriously and gets angry, or as a complete joke and complains that you're too uptight. His default method of dealing with arguments is to give everyone the cold shoulder because he 'doesn't do drama'. He makes gross, ridiculous comments like 'I don't understand how anyone can be depressed you can just take meds and you'll be fine, it's not hard' or when our mutual friend talked about her ED he commented to me privately about her 'just eat a burger and then exercise it's stupid how grown adults care about this frivolous stuff'.

Just some examples. I actually don't see him as 'hyper-logical' per se but emotionally immature but that's just one way to start a major row.

I don't know if the honeymoon period is over and I'm seeing everything I've previously glossed over or if it's the fact that we both work from home so I'm exposed to this 24/7 but I'm sick of it. He wasn't even this way before we moved in together but maybe I missed the signs? Sadly, we've tied ourselves together financially with this house (the kitchen is still being renovated ffs!!) so it's a bit more complicated than just leaving.

OP posts:
guineacup · 13/06/2023 18:37

Hyper-logical? Hyper-moronic more like...

Original poster
drowninginlogic · 13/06/2023 22:27

I know I have to leave. Was just I guess looking for some sort of validation because I thought 'this is it' when we bought the house and was looking forward to making the house my home, so the prospect of starting over is daunting. The alternative is worse though of course.

Is he emotionally damaged in some way? Does he struggle with empathy? Is he cognitively incapable of understanding other perspectives on the world? Is he a raging grandiose egotist who thinks ordinary human feelings are beneath him?

This sums up what I think actually. At work, for e.g., he thinks everyone is 'stupid' and has quit multiple jobs because he thought he was too good for them. He was bullied at school growing up and I try to be more understanding because of that but after being ignored for days because I was being 'illogical to be upset about a nonissue' or having to listen to one of his simple 'solutions' to problems it grates down on you.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 14/06/2023 01:19

Get rid before the sneering comes your way.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/06/2023 13:02

Next time he declares that he's "Hyper Logical" respond with "Being opinionated & arrogant is not logical, never mind 'Hyper Logical' ffs!"

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/06/2023 13:05

Paying attention to emotions is one of the most logical things a person can do.

THIS!

MidsummerNightsDream · 14/06/2023 13:09

I’d have to point out to him that he isn’t ‘hyper logical’ (the term is so cringeworthy) he’s just cold and arrogant.

Topseyt123 · 14/06/2023 13:15

He isn't hyper-logical, he's hyper-arsehole.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2023 13:18

Sadly, I think you ignored about a million red flags.

You simply can't stay in this relationship. I would get this over with as soon as humanly possible.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 14/06/2023 13:28

My rule of thumb is if someone describes themselves as something they usually aren't.

I bet Stephen Hawking didn't go around telling people how intelligent he was.
I bet supermodels don't go around telling people how beautiful they are.
I bet logical people don't go around telling people how logical they are.
Donald Trump is not a 'stable genius' no matter how often he says he is.

People who genuinely are something don't need to tell anyone, it is obvious what they are.

Your DP is not hyper-logical, he is ignorant, didactic, and rude.

pickledandpuzzled · 14/06/2023 13:51

Don't get pregnant.

First, distance yourself slightly emotionally. You need to have conversations without taking it personally.
As he's hyper rational...
Ask him if he thinks everyone is the same.
Ask him if everyone has the same priorities and preferences, the same strengths and weaknesses.
Ask if everyone is comfortable at the same temperature.
Ask him whether he accepts that other people are allowed to feel differently, and that other people experience things differently.

I had to point all this out to DH, at which point he became less of an arse.
He genuinely hadn't really thought through the 'other people are different' thing.

I suspect your chap is just a natural arse though, rather than an ignoramus.

Catlord · 14/06/2023 13:56

Others have summed him up exactly so I won't repeat them (that would be highly illogical, captain). What do you think needs to be done to get your house saleable and you out? Could you cancel some of the plans to renovate and just get the kitchen presentable? I don't get the impression he will be understanding or make this easy- it will all be your fault, of course- so i would be making plans to simplify the process.

pickledandpuzzled · 14/06/2023 14:13

Also, ask him if he's masking for finding social or intimate interactions hard.

It's possible he has the capacity and desire to change. If not, then you've punctured his bubble a bit! He'll know he isn't universally attractive!

That's another useful one- 'gosh it's so unattractive when you're nasty about people'.

Catlord · 14/06/2023 14:49

In all honesty I wouldn't try to fix this fella.

My friend is with one very similar. I think there are explanations for a good bit of his behaviour so it's not about him being evil but he is such a prick to her after a few years (maybe 7). Not violent, swearing, threatening or cheating but I think abusive. Undermining, picking fault, going off on rants about how right he is, unable to accept fault or accountability, ever more politically distasteful views as he tries to look for yet more people to blame for his life not turning out as planned (immigrants etc).

I'm not sure it's for the OP to devote herself to fixing his considerable mess.

Paperbagsaremine · 14/06/2023 14:53

Whoops. Oh well, we all make mistakes.

Obviously do all you can to avoid pregnancy and lock down your finances.

The house is a pain. Could he buy you out, or you him? If you got lodgers in the other bedrooms could you pay the mortgage?

Yes, it's completely not what you wanted, but setbacks happen in life.
I screwed up financially in my twenties and had to start aged 30 with no savings or equity - in the end I was fine, and you can be too.

In general the less delay the better but I get it that you might at least want to wait for the kitchen to be finished. Sigh. Good luck OP.

OhBling · 14/06/2023 15:22

In my experience, men who describe themselves like this are almost always just wankers who like to pontificate. Sadly, DS is 12 and has a friend who I can see is already going down this path! Grin.

Putting aside that "hyper logical" is not actually a thing, none of the examples you provide are even a "little bit logical" and demonstrate a level of intellectual weakness that is really quite astonishing. Sorry. Also, clearly he completely lacks empathy.

guineacup · 15/06/2023 08:31

Obviously do all you can to avoid pregnancy and lock down your finances.

If you're at the point in a relationship where you need to do all you can to avoid pregnancy and to lock down your finances, surely you're at the point of not having sex at all!

I mean, how could you still want to have sex with a man in such circumstances.... And if you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't be having sex!

piedbeauty · 15/06/2023 08:58

He may have been bullied, but he is also bullying you. 💐

LilySavage · 15/06/2023 09:02

The thing is, he knows he’s being an arsehole as well. That’s why he said the comments he did about the ED to you privately rather than just saying them in the conversation at the time… what a knob

Newname2323 · 15/06/2023 09:08

Ex was this way, also watched the alpha male type podcasts. One of the reasons I couldn't do it anymore, our morals did not align and the more comfortable he got the more views he had were exposed.

Sparkletastic · 15/06/2023 09:10

Obviously bullying is terrible and I don't condone it but I'd quite like to give your partner a good slapping behind the bike sheds.

BaffledOnceAgain · 15/06/2023 09:27

This screams autism to me, not arse hole. The pp who mentioned asking him if everyone always feels the same etc.. has given some great ideas to help your dp to see life through a different lens which can see you through until you can get out. I genuinely think some people are completely unaware that their way of seeing a situation is not the only one. Hopefully, he will listen and calm it down a bit. Giving the concrete example of 'do we both feel hot or cold at the same time/temperature?' is a great example to start with.

billy1966 · 16/06/2023 08:03

drowninginlogic · 13/06/2023 22:27

I know I have to leave. Was just I guess looking for some sort of validation because I thought 'this is it' when we bought the house and was looking forward to making the house my home, so the prospect of starting over is daunting. The alternative is worse though of course.

Is he emotionally damaged in some way? Does he struggle with empathy? Is he cognitively incapable of understanding other perspectives on the world? Is he a raging grandiose egotist who thinks ordinary human feelings are beneath him?

This sums up what I think actually. At work, for e.g., he thinks everyone is 'stupid' and has quit multiple jobs because he thought he was too good for them. He was bullied at school growing up and I try to be more understanding because of that but after being ignored for days because I was being 'illogical to be upset about a nonissue' or having to listen to one of his simple 'solutions' to problems it grates down on you.

His treatment of you when you disagree his highly abusive.

He really is a very nasty piece of work.

No need to negotiate and try and fix what is unfixable, just get out.

Goatbilly · 16/06/2023 08:19

How old are you op? Posters keep mentioning pregnancy, but if your partner is in his late 40s are you of a similar age? In which case, pregnancy isn't an issue most likely.

Eleganz · 16/06/2023 08:26

He sounds like a man who has come to have a very high opinion of himself and his intellectual capacities. Possible some trauma has made him develop these traits but that doesn't really excuse shitty behaviour.

It is not logical to deny the existence of mental health conditions that clearly do exist and need treatment. It is just being an unempathetic arsehole.

I've sadly worked with a few men like this, they are difficult to work with and generally ineffective. He has quit lots of jobs because other people are stupid (i.e. have the audacity to disagree with him). I'd say you are better off cutting your losses because he is unlikely to be able to see that he is the problem.

wednesdaynamesep · 16/06/2023 08:55

I think I would get my ducks lined up and bide my time until the next days long punishment silence comes along. When it lifts, I'd say, "Being hyper-logical about this, it is clear you are going to be a nightmare to live with long term, so the logical thing for me to do is leave. Bye 👋 "

Maybe he'll get the real power of logic then.