Awful relationship, split, now he's treating me really well - should I give him another chance?

[Howlongdoigivethis]

I was with ex for 4 years, the last 2 he slipped into being an alcoholic, and he was pretty bloody awful to me.

We split last year and he begged me to give him another chance, I refused.

Since then he has quit drinking and is attending AA meetings, stopped smoking, and, despite not being together, has been everything I ever hoped he would be. He has worked on himself, is attentive, kind, helpful, everything I feel I deserved (we see each other a lot due to family commitments)

It's been 9 months of consistent amazing behaviour from him.

I know he wants me back, I am seriously considering it, but I feel so cautious, I'm so fed up of having to live through trauma, and I'm so sick of being the person things happen to, I just want to be happy.

Any advice would be great.

He has no idea I'm considering this at all, I told him I would never forgive some of what he has said and done, so he is currently being this way with no chance of a relationship again.

Ah the old swizzaroony.. Left ex and he portrayed a New Improved Version for 6 months. Took him back and got married very very soon after.. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Divorced around first anniversary..
Alcohol also involved..
Ime you have ripped that plaster off op.
Now you heal and kick him to the kerb..

No, don’t do it OP. Unfortunately there’s a very high chance that he will go back to drinking.

No.

If you do
Then 'date' him for at least a year
No moving in together

To be honest I've been waiting for him to fuck up, go back to drinking, even be an arsehole, but he hasn't.... yet.

Definitely not going to jump back into living together or anything.

I really can't trust my own judgement though, I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years, then alone for 7, then met him.

It's tough because we are still very much in each others lives due to some family stuff so I'll always need to see him.

It's just really hard watching him be everything I deserved now that we have split up. It stings a bit actually.

Unfortunately I agree with the other posts. It’s a slippery slope even in recovery, it could all change in the blink of an eye. He’s not been sober particularly long either. If you said he’s been sober 10 years I’d say ok that’s looking good but it hasn’t been very long. Even after 10 years people go back.
There are so many great guys out there and I think you are romanticizing him a bit because you want him to be a certain way. He probably knows he might be able to swing a second chance even tho I know you told him this wasn’t on the cards.

As someone who has a close relative who has been through this (her husband had addiction issues) I would advise against getting back together. She chose to have him back after he was clean for a while for the sake of their kids and he has remained clean and is a totally different person now, but the mental strain it caused her letting him back into her life and readjusting wasn’t easy.

People can and do change, so I’m not saying he’s doomed, but are you willing to go through that in order to be with him?

Unfortunately, as other PPs have said, there is always a chance of relapse. Even without relapse, you will have to undergo a huge process of rebuilding trust, potentially exposing yourself to traumatic memories, being vigilant and watching for warning signs, etc. Often we will forget about the trauma and how that affects us on a daily basis in a range of ways when we experience things that make us feel good, like having space from the relationship and him being lovely to you.

I totally get how it’s hard to see him being the way you always wanted him to be. He likely knows that you still have feelings for him and if he behaves for long enough you will give him another chance. Again, I’m not saying he’s not genuine, or not changed etc. As I said before, I would personally advise against it, but you will need to weigh up whether you’re willing to go through the stuff detailed above in order to rebuild your relationship with him. X

Like fuck !! Too little too late.

I think I keep justifying what he was like because it wasn't as bad as what my ex did. He never hit me, but he said and did some pretty unforgivable things.

I was so sure I definitely wouldn't get back and we could have a friendship of sorts while we need to see each other, and it has been fine.

Now I see him sober, and healthy, and being the person I begged him to be, and it's painful.

It's even more painful to think that I suffered so much, made him who he appears to be now, and some day someone else will come in and benefit from what I went through.

You're right though, it's only been 9 months, anyone can fake a personality for 9 months to get something they want.

I'm just struggling a bit.

Thank you all

Why exactly do you still need to be in contact with him? Do you have children together?

I doubt he has really changed.
Going back rarely works - I've made that mistake myself.

No children involved at all.

A close family member of his is very unwell/end of life, I look after her.

Due to the work patterns involved I'm in the best position to do it, and I adore her so can't walk away from her, especially as she probably has less than a year left with us.

Me too.

But I listened to words rather than watching actions.

That's why this time feels a little different because I haven't actually listened to his promises at all, I've watched his behaviour.

I realise I'm kidding myself, I'll come around to accepting that. It's just tough when I still love him. I just need to learn to love myself more.

Have you done some work on yourself OP? Do you understand how you ended up in an abusive marriage - possibly because you weren't brought up to see red flags and to trust your judgement? I would start with that, mentally put a possible renewal of your relationship on the long finger, and take the time to look after yourself. I speak as someone who is a couple of years in therapy for lifelong emotional abuse and only now allowing myself to trust my judgement - my feelings were denied by my "mother" all my life.

I am in therapy now, the old cliche, abusive childhood, straight into abusive marriage with a much older guy, child who sadly died, then years more abuse before I finally left.

I thought I found my happy ever after, but it was probably just projection.

I just want to be treated well, I don't think I'm asking for the moon on a stick, but apparently someone being good to me is too much to ask.

I'm in AA and have been sober for coming up to 6 years. If he is active and engaged in AA, goes to regular meetings, has a sponsor etc, then there's a good chance that he'll stay sober and there's also a good chance that he has actually changed. That's exactly what the AA program of recovery is about - changing and working to become a better person.
I'd give it longer though. The first year of recovery is really important and most people in AA advise not making any big life changes in the first year or getting into new (or old!) relationships for the sake of your own recovery and for the sake of the other person.
There's no harm in giving it more time - if AA is working for him then he won't be going anywhere, and then you'll have more "evidence" that he really is changing 🥰

For yourself , have you ever considered going to Al Anon? I think you'd get a lot from it and if you were to enter back into a relationship with him then it'd be really helpful.

OP you have been through so much, and it's not your fault. It's very hard to come to terms with. But also you are enough for yourself, you don't need someone else and I would say right now it is probably safer for you to be single until you feel very confident in your own judgement. Find and surround yourself with people who you can trust and who are kind to you, but hold off on finding romance until you have a better understanding of yourself. Learn to identify and respond to your gut feelings when someone makes you uncomfortable. You are the most important person in your world, treat yourself as such.

I don't think you will appreciate my comments but I do mean them kindly.

You were in an abusive long term relationship and then after a period on your own you ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic. The dysfunctional nature of his drinking may not have been apparent at first but it would be quite unusual for someone to go from normal drinking to full blown alcoholic in two years. I wonder if you have any experience of a loving, mutually respectful and supportive relationship?

You have written a couple of things which hint at a degree of codependency.

I know he wants me back, I am seriously considering it, but I feel so cautious, I'm so fed up of having to live through trauma, and I'm so sick of being the person things happen to, I just want to be happy.

Abusive relationships are hard to get out of; abusive behaviour becomes normalised and we doubt ourselves which keeps us trying for far longer than the abuser deserves but you know now what the signs are so you can chose to be happy rather than the person things happen to. He may be doing well in his recovery right now but why would you consider rekindling the relationship and risk ending up right back where you started. I doubt he is equipped to manage the emotional requirements of a committed relationship at this stage of his recovery either so rekindling the relationship may also put his sobriety at risk. Although the that would be his responsibility, not yours.

It's even more painful to think that I suffered so much, made him who he appears to be now, and some day someone else will come in and benefit from what I went through.

You didn't make him who he is, you introduced him to consequences and he decided to take action to avoid further consequences from his drinking. You suffered once so do not go back in the hope that the new improved version of your ex can heal the wounds he caused. You have no idea what his future relationships will look like and it's quite codependent to think you should get first dibs on the benefits of his sobriety.

As I said I mean this kindly but I think you should work on yourself to make sure you are equipped to dodge men who make you miserable.

6 years is amazing, you must be so proud of yourself.

He has twice weekly meetings and a sponsor. He does say that he hasn't got the urge to drink, and so feels the meetings are sometimes a little redundant for him, but goes religiously anyway.

I did look into AlAnon, but the chat sites seem to be full of people with kids and who have had decades of this, where I just chose to put up with it for 2 years then walked away from him.

He was nice sober, then when he drank he was really mean to me. Even knowing how nasty he was drinking he still chose to do it and could 'never remember' the things he said while drunk apparently.

Even now he can't understand the impact because he can't remember what he said, which will always impact me in some ways.

I think it's one of those situations where I don't really want to be with him just now, but, selfishly, I don't want anyone else to either. Definitely a me problem.

Continue with your therapy.

Your own abusive childhood was the blueprint you got from your parents for relationships , it’s no coincidence at all that you had an abusive marriage and then a further abusive relationship with this man now. Do not go back to him under any circumstances.

Love your own self for a change. Read about codependency as well and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour. Do also read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Do you really have to look after this close family member of his, why are you doing this at all?.

He has twice weekly meetings and a sponsor. He does say that he hasn't got the urge to drink, and so feels the meetings are sometimes a little redundant for him, but goes religiously anyway.

Sorry his is a red flag for me. Someone who is 9 months sober and already feels that meetings are a little redundant has failed to grasp how much of a problem alcoholism is, I say this as a long term member of AA. I have been sober for quite some time and still attend regular meetings. I found what works for me and apparently so has your ex, him saying meetings are a little redundant is like someone with diabetes saying insulin is optional.

I do appreciate your comments, and you're right.

I'm so bloody tired, I think on some level I just want someone to come and look after me for once (the feminist in me hates myself for saying that).

I have never been loved or respected. Occasionally I think I have, like at the beginning if this relationship, but I actually have no basis of what normal is,my very first memories are of abuse doled out to me, and that's what my childhood was filled with, then I married as a teen to a guy in his mid 30s and on it went.

In some ways I feel more comfortable when the abuse is blatant, if its not there I'm reading into everything or wondering when it will start and I'm more on edge.

I'm perfectly fine on my own, I've done everything alone my whole life, but I do have a dream of just being loved and adored for just being me, and it has never happened yet, I'm just tired.

The most obvious red flag is that he rekindled his relationship with you whilst in recovery. That shouldn’t be his focus.

second red flag is the “no urge” to drink. Non alcoholics who abstain have the urge to drink. He is lying or minimising. This is a big big lie for an addict, because it is self deception. If he was saying the opposite you might have a chance.

Final red flag is as a pp pointed out the high likelihood that you are codependent and enabling. You must have been aware of heavy drinking and dependence in the first years. You are trying desperately to believe he is over it and in recovery terms he isn’t. Believing he has no urge to drink is foolish.

You clearly never put distance between you and him to be so involved in his recovery. Frankly it still sounds like you are together in many ways.

it’s incredibly likely that you will repeat the past if you get back together again. His alcoholism will re-emerge and you will try to cure it. Probably by splitting up until he gets help. Rinse and repeat.

I've known her a long time, regardless of him and I, I would be looking after her anyway. She's a very dear friend.

I've just ordered that, thank you. I know my behaviours/feelings are problematic, but I really just don't know what 'normal' is.

Tha know you for that insight, I really don't know much about the meetings or how they work really, he just feels as though he's doing well with them.