Page 2 | Awful relationship, split, now he's treating me really well - should I give him another chance?

Howlongdoigivethis · 2023-06-13T09:47:37+00:00

I was with ex for 4 years, the last 2 he slipped into being an alcoholic, and he was pretty bloody awful to me. We split last year and he begged me to give him another chance, I refused. Since then he has quit drinking and is attending AA meetings, stopped smoking, and, despite not being together, has been everything I ever hoped he would be. He has worked on himself, is attentive, kind, helpful, everything I feel I deserved (we see each other a lot due to family commitments) It's been 9 months of consistent amazing behaviour from him. I know he wants me back, I am seriously considering it, but I feel so cautious, I'm so fed up of having to live through trauma, and I'm so sick of being the person things happen to, I just want to be happy. Any advice would be great. He has no idea I'm considering this at all, I told him I would never forgive some of what he has said and done, so he is currently being this way with no chance of a relationship again.

Bonbon21 · 13/06/2023 12:34

Give yourself time for you. Let yourself heal and be completely you.
Then when you are ready... but learn that a prospective partner has to live up to YOUR expectations. And after everything that you have dealt with in life, please have very high expectations. Dont make allowances and dont settle.. just to have someone by your side.
Expect the best.
Demand the best.
You deserve that.

LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 12:39

I think people can change, but I'd want more than 9 months of evidence of that before taking him back.

LividHot · 13/06/2023 12:40

Nooooooooo.

It’s not real. Your trauma was real and leaving him was real. You’d see the real him again within weeks.

And even if you didn’t, even if it took a year or ten years, you’d never be able to really relax and trust it. Because he’s only ever one drink away, and you have NO CONTROL over that.

It sucks but look after yourself and find ways to rest yourself. He’s a myth. A lie.

Original poster

Howlongdoigivethis · 13/06/2023 12:49

LemonTT · 13/06/2023 12:28

The most obvious red flag is that he rekindled his relationship with you whilst in recovery. That shouldn’t be his focus.

second red flag is the “no urge” to drink. Non alcoholics who abstain have the urge to drink. He is lying or minimising. This is a big big lie for an addict, because it is self deception. If he was saying the opposite you might have a chance.

Final red flag is as a pp pointed out the high likelihood that you are codependent and enabling. You must have been aware of heavy drinking and dependence in the first years. You are trying desperately to believe he is over it and in recovery terms he isn’t. Believing he has no urge to drink is foolish.

You clearly never put distance between you and him to be so involved in his recovery. Frankly it still sounds like you are together in many ways.

it’s incredibly likely that you will repeat the past if you get back together again. His alcoholism will re-emerge and you will try to cure it. Probably by splitting up until he gets help. Rinse and repeat.

We aren't together at all. I see him very often as I care for his family member, we talk a lot when I am there, and occasionally text in relation to that, but we don't date/sleep together/anything outwith being in the same house with my friend/his family. She also tells me a lot as well.

He definitely like a drink before and when we got together, over covid and being off it turned into more, and he started drinking spirits then too when he didn't before.

He wasn't the type of alcoholic who was awake first thing drinking (which is what I thought it always was) he could go a few days without of he was driving a lot or whatever, just when he started he could never just have one, he had to drink everything, and then he turned nasty with it.

Which is why it took a long time to realise that's what he was.

I guess I'm just thinking about how it should have been rather than how it actually was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howlongdoigivethis · 13/06/2023 12:54

I thought I had given myself time to heal, I was single for 7 years, I think this has just proved that I'm not ready.

I've recently been diagnosed with cancer myself and he has offered to take me to chemo, be there for my surgery etc, and I think that's why I have sort of romanticised things a bit, just the thought of being looked after, having someone there making me coffee in bed, and fluffing my pillows is really nice, but it's a fantasy that I'm projecting onto him.

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 13/06/2023 13:09

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Hopefully that can be addressed and you will recover fully and soon.
I honestly dont think it is a good idea to have him support you through this when you (both) will be emotionally and physically vulnerable.
Best wishes.

Original poster

Howlongdoigivethis · 13/06/2023 13:26

Thank you, you're right.

I will still be looking after my friend as much as I can, so will still be seeing him around.

It would probably be better to just have a clean break, out of sight, out of mind, but that's not really an option at the moment.

I definitely don't want to get back to the mindset I was in when I married where anyone is better than being alone, would just be nice to be loved and respected one day.

OP posts:

GracePalmer33 · 13/06/2023 13:36

LemonTT · 13/06/2023 12:28

The most obvious red flag is that he rekindled his relationship with you whilst in recovery. That shouldn’t be his focus.

second red flag is the “no urge” to drink. Non alcoholics who abstain have the urge to drink. He is lying or minimising. This is a big big lie for an addict, because it is self deception. If he was saying the opposite you might have a chance.

Final red flag is as a pp pointed out the high likelihood that you are codependent and enabling. You must have been aware of heavy drinking and dependence in the first years. You are trying desperately to believe he is over it and in recovery terms he isn’t. Believing he has no urge to drink is foolish.

You clearly never put distance between you and him to be so involved in his recovery. Frankly it still sounds like you are together in many ways.

it’s incredibly likely that you will repeat the past if you get back together again. His alcoholism will re-emerge and you will try to cure it. Probably by splitting up until he gets help. Rinse and repeat.

Hey Lemon, I agree with a lot of what you've written however it's not true that all alcoholics who abstain have the urge to drink. Most alcoholics who are active in AA and who are on a 12 step program and stay sober generally say that the urge to drink disappears. This is true for me and the 100s of alcoholics I come across every month at AA ☺️
At 9 months in AA I no longer had any urge to drink alcohol so I believe what he says. Obviously doesn't apply for everyone and there are lots of alcoholics who "white knuckle" it and just abstain but don't do the work required to change and work on themselves that needs to go along with it - these alcoholics may continue to have an urge to drink 24/7 but definitely not true of those in AA who really work their program!

newtb · 13/06/2023 13:40

No.

FOJN · 13/06/2023 13:40

I definitely don't want to get back to the mindset I was in when I married where anyone is better than being alone, would just be nice to be loved and respected one day.

If you can't love and respect yourself then no one else is going to. Giving second chances to a man who treated you badly is neither loving or respecting yourself, wishing him well and walking away knowing you deserve better is.

Please prioritise yourself over caring for his family member. If he's so keen to help then tell him he can start by putting your mind at ease by stepping up to take over your caring committments if you are not able to.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/06/2023 13:41

Doesn’t the AA say no relationships for a decent year anyway ?

FOJN · 13/06/2023 13:42

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/06/2023 13:41

Doesn’t the AA say no relationships for a decent year anyway ?

It's strongly advised but there are no AA laws so people are free to ignore the advice of more experienced members. Sadly they often do to their own detriment.

Original poster

Howlongdoigivethis · 13/06/2023 14:06

FOJN · 13/06/2023 13:40

I definitely don't want to get back to the mindset I was in when I married where anyone is better than being alone, would just be nice to be loved and respected one day.

If you can't love and respect yourself then no one else is going to. Giving second chances to a man who treated you badly is neither loving or respecting yourself, wishing him well and walking away knowing you deserve better is.

Please prioritise yourself over caring for his family member. If he's so keen to help then tell him he can start by putting your mind at ease by stepping up to take over your caring committments if you are not able to.

I hope your treatment goes well.

You're right, although I do question if I deserve better sometimes. Literally everyone who is supposed to love me has been abusive, so I do think the only common denominator is me sometimes.

He moved in with his family member to look after her outwith work times, so he does a lot, I would feel awful about stepping back since she is terminal and mine is 'ok' (as in I probably won't die from it, just be poorly for a while).

The more I think about it I do think he's not the man for me, rather than the nearest thing I have to an option at the moment and I just want to be looked after and supported through this so am trying to talk myself into having a relationship again in the hope he will be what I need.

He has definitely changed, but there's too much water under the bridge, and I know that if we got back together and argued next month or next year then I would bring up all the shitty things he said and did, and that's not fair on me or him.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/06/2023 20:33

Howlongdoigivethis

agree with all you all above
look if in 5 years you are still friends and you love him then maybe !?!

but he sounds like you need a break from men given your comments …. And some self care
and he certainly needs a break- 💯- hes an Addict

motherofbantams · 14/06/2023 06:33

I am struggling with the response from most PP.

if he has gone to AA, cleaned his act up....and made those changes to show you he could do better....could you be inclined to give him another chance?

Otherwise what is the point of anyone ever trying to be better? Is there no redemption possible? If he was amazing to you for another year would that be enough?

Maybe the prospect of losing you made him become the man you wanted him to be. Is it really too late?

FOJN · 14/06/2023 06:57

motherofbantams · 14/06/2023 06:33

I am struggling with the response from most PP.

if he has gone to AA, cleaned his act up....and made those changes to show you he could do better....could you be inclined to give him another chance?

Otherwise what is the point of anyone ever trying to be better? Is there no redemption possible? If he was amazing to you for another year would that be enough?

Maybe the prospect of losing you made him become the man you wanted him to be. Is it really too late?

There is context here that you seem to have overlooked. The OP has had a life filled with trauma and abuse, she is not obliged to gamble her future happiness to reward a man who treated her badly because he has decided it's in this interests to be a better person and stop destroying his life with alcohol. I wish him well but OP is not responsible for his happiness.

As a result of her history OP does not have a confident belief she deserves better so why would you encourage her to give another chance to a man who mistreated her in the hope he will do better next time. OP deserves better and she needs to work on herself and leave the relationship space in her life empty until she finds a man worthy of her.