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Original poster

Dating unexpectedly - feel uneasy

36 replies

EmmaEmerald · 12/06/2023 23:22

After years of being happily single, I seem to be dating someone.
I get uneasy about it. That's bound to happen after years of not having to consider someone else - right?

I think I have a major distrust of men generally, but none of my exes treated me badly. I just didn't want to commit. But the things I see and hear....

Some posters will know I have lost a lot of friends in recent years, people seem to have vanished post lockdown. I really like having someone who messages daily. But I'm also conscious if I had my old life, I might not have said yes to a date in the first place.

I miss him when he's not around but I'm still a bit....I have this perception that everyone's going to disappoint you at some point, and relationships seem like terribly hard work. He knows all this so I think is busting a gut to prove that they aren't hard work. It's always where I want to go, what I want to do etc.

I just wanted to put that out there and see what others think. Honestly, I haven't dated in such a long time, I can't recall if I felt like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 12/06/2023 23:48

And since lockdown, I spend way too much time on MN reading about relationship disasters!

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 11:48

Bumping for morning thoughts

OP posts:
Goatbilly · 13/06/2023 11:59

Do you have children op? Are there others you need to consider while dating this man?

Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 12:08

Goatbilly · 13/06/2023 11:59

Do you have children op? Are there others you need to consider while dating this man?

Nope. Just me.

just seems so weird. The nostalgia for my old life is so strong.

but most of the key people who stood by me in life, if they're not gone, I hear from them so rarely. I've tried making new friends and reaching out.

it's nice to have someone in touch every day. I guess it feels like an odd starting point, if I had my 2019 life and he'd asked me out, I'd have just thought, well he's cute, but no, I don't date, and I'd have said no.

maybe grieving for the past isn't over yet.

then there's "he's a man". I guess I have a negative view of them tbh.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 13/06/2023 18:07

I can’t offer any advice but I do know where you are coming from as I’m the same (minus the “seem to be dating” part).

My unease stems from “losing” loved ones. Friends, pets, family member and, yes, the angst of relationship splits or the crushing blow of unrequited love. Losing them doesn’t mean death; merely that they are no longer in my life and it wasn’t of my choosing.

I’m torn. On the one hand it would be lovely to have a partner where I feel able to be emotionally vulnerable/close to. But on the other, there’s a part of me that just doesn’t believe, or can’t accept, that they could or would stick around “forever”. Other people I cared about/loved in the past haven’t.

So I protect my heart, which presents as wary. I find “excuses” why I can’t take that leap of faith.

I know I do it. I know why I do it. But I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. I tell myself I wouldn’t be like this if I met the right guy. I’m not always convinced by that though.

Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 18:13

DatingDinosaur are you dating generally?

it's hard feeling loved ones have abandoned you. It's so shit.

but it seems the wrong place to start a relationship, having that feeling of "I wouldn't be doing this if..."

but that's the reality of my life. It might be better to have someone around. If he leaves, which I'm sure he will, or if we aren't a good match, then I reckon it will be far less hurtful than the people I've lost.

I think friendship is a very beautiful thing, the most beautiful thing. But my best friend, far from messaging daily, is now on about once a week if I'm lucky.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 18:14

I used to dream of living in a house with friends. Me and my bestie used to talk about getting a cottage in the Cotswolds in retirement.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 13/06/2023 18:16

I understand OP.

I'm the same. I seem to have developed a general distrust of men (all men), with good reason. But I've been single 6 years, my ds is now old enough to not need me around so much and I have received some male attention recently, which I've turned down.

My automatic answer is no thanks. I fend them off without thinking. Recently my dsis has questioned whether I am being reasonable. I understand your feelings. Like you, I've been perfectly content for years. Why would I bother dating now?

Unlike you, I haven't done anything about it. I'm not sure I will.

Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 18:23

Mint "Unlike you, I haven't done anything about it. I'm not sure I will."

I didn't either. It just sort of happened.

I look at my 2019 life and it looks like another planet.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 13/06/2023 18:24

Not actively dating (and definitely not OLD), but I am open to dating.

Then think why bother because it won’t work out/what’s the point/I'm happy as I am (and I genuinely am, but do sometimes feel a bit lonely - that passes though).

Rubbish attitude, I know!

Yes, I have good friends too, but I keep a little part of me guarded, protected somehow. Unlike with my childhood friends and my friends through school. We all either drifted, lost contact or have flurries of meeting up to catch up (scattered all over the country now). It’s not the same.

And the pain of heartbreak. Losing that first love. Being dumped. Or not getting that guy you really like. Yeah, it’s all part of life. I know this. But even so, I can’t seem to allow myself to fully trust new people anymore because I don’t want to be hurt “like that” again. Ever.

And that’s the crux of it. For me, anyway.

Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 18:33

Dating I don't think your attitude is rubbish at all.

with men, I've only had a couple of real relationships and I'm the one who leaves.

I don't know where my head is at. I remember those really close friendships and I could weep. We were like sisters, I guess, for 20+ years.

OP posts:
YRGAM · 13/06/2023 19:45

It's kind of obvious but please bear in mind that the stories you hear on a relationship problems board on a women's forum are in no way a representative sample of how men behave in real life!

Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 13/06/2023 23:26

YRGAM · 13/06/2023 19:45

It's kind of obvious but please bear in mind that the stories you hear on a relationship problems board on a women's forum are in no way a representative sample of how men behave in real life!

It doesn't look great in real life sometimes.

anyway, I was sitting here basically wondering when the grief for my old life would be over...and then I talked to this guy in the phone for three hours and feel better.

I have to look forward. "There is no past you can bring back by longing for it" etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 14/06/2023 14:46

I'm probably going to be full of questions

this guy messages constantly if he knows I'm free

the silly thing is...I miss the same back and forth chat with friends but with a man, it's a bit full on.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaEmerald · 14/06/2023 14:49

And letting me know he's safe home from a night out with friends...I wasn't particularly wondering tbh, I tend to just think it'll be fine.

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/06/2023 14:59

It sounds to me that you have communicated your reluctance and now he's trying to prove he'll be there for you and that's making you reluctant! you are getting in your own way here!

TBOM · 14/06/2023 15:03

OP, hearing from a friend once a week is actually fairly frequent, I can't think of a single friend that I'm in weekly contact with, and I have very good and very close friends. And then add to that you seem to be a bit hung up on how often this guy messages you. The strength of a friendship is nothing to do with how often you talk, it's about how you are together. If you put aside the frequency issue, do you still feel abandoned by your friends - by which I mean are they not interested in you/your life when you do talk? I absolutely wouldn't have time in my life for constant back and forth messages with friends, too much on at work, with family, partner etc. Neither do they. That doesn't mean we aren't there for each other. Just our lives are a bit busier.

P1ckledonionz · 14/06/2023 15:05

He sounds OTT.

Why would he date you if he knows you are not keen?

No wonder you feel uneasy... he's started dating you even though you don't really want to be dating and told told him so!

The way he is trying to show you that is not going to be difficult to be in a relationship sounds like a bit like love-bombing. He won't be able to keep it up, so at the least it is false advertising.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/06/2023 15:05

I also don't message daily with friends and I have a lot of close friends. It sounds like things have shifted but it doesn't mean they are irretrievable. I think the friend issue is separate to the dating issue- decide if you want to date this particular man full stop, and work out the friend thing separately.

TBOM · 14/06/2023 15:07

Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/06/2023 15:05

I also don't message daily with friends and I have a lot of close friends. It sounds like things have shifted but it doesn't mean they are irretrievable. I think the friend issue is separate to the dating issue- decide if you want to date this particular man full stop, and work out the friend thing separately.

Yes, this.

Goatbilly · 14/06/2023 15:33

The reason people don't message their close friends daily is because they tend to prioritise romantic partners/relationships so then downgrade other relationships.

Goatbilly · 14/06/2023 15:35

TBOM · 14/06/2023 15:03

OP, hearing from a friend once a week is actually fairly frequent, I can't think of a single friend that I'm in weekly contact with, and I have very good and very close friends. And then add to that you seem to be a bit hung up on how often this guy messages you. The strength of a friendship is nothing to do with how often you talk, it's about how you are together. If you put aside the frequency issue, do you still feel abandoned by your friends - by which I mean are they not interested in you/your life when you do talk? I absolutely wouldn't have time in my life for constant back and forth messages with friends, too much on at work, with family, partner etc. Neither do they. That doesn't mean we aren't there for each other. Just our lives are a bit busier.

@TBOM but you probably have time for the constant back and forth with your partner?

Seaoftroubles · 14/06/2023 15:36

OP, l think you are missing your best friend, feeling that you have lost close contact with a good friend can sometimes be more painful than the end of a romantic relationship. Re the guy that you have fallen into dating it sounds like it's too much pressure, you don't need to hear the minutiae of his everyday life. Maybe explain to him you only want casual dating, just a bit of male company now and then. And meanwhile keep in touch with your best friend, she may have things going on that have caused a bit of distance, but it needn't be forever.

WordsandSentences · 14/06/2023 15:42

Have you thought about perhaps having counselling? I wonder if it might help to work through the big changes you’ve been through and to unravel your feelings (either way) about relationships, this one and in general.

TBOM · 14/06/2023 15:48

Goatbilly · 14/06/2023 15:35

@TBOM but you probably have time for the constant back and forth with your partner?

Show quote history

No, very often not. We can go weeks without seeing each other - we really have to work hard to get time together.