Dating unexpectedly - feel uneasy

[EmmaEmerald]

After years of being happily single, I seem to be dating someone.
I get uneasy about it. That's bound to happen after years of not having to consider someone else - right?

I think I have a major distrust of men generally, but none of my exes treated me badly. I just didn't want to commit. But the things I see and hear....

Some posters will know I have lost a lot of friends in recent years, people seem to have vanished post lockdown. I really like having someone who messages daily. But I'm also conscious if I had my old life, I might not have said yes to a date in the first place.

I miss him when he's not around but I'm still a bit....I have this perception that everyone's going to disappoint you at some point, and relationships seem like terribly hard work. He knows all this so I think is busting a gut to prove that they aren't hard work. It's always where I want to go, what I want to do etc.

I just wanted to put that out there and see what others think. Honestly, I haven't dated in such a long time, I can't recall if I felt like this before.

And that's not entirely true for a lot of people. I think a lot of people maybe are in a similar position to me - I have an ageing mother on her own who I have to do a lot for, and a teenage DD who is approaching GCSEs and still looks to me for a lot of advice, guidance and support, even though she's outwardly a very independent young woman. And her DF (my ex) doesn't do much to enable her life, so most of the life admin involved in raising her falls to me. That takes up a lot of my non-work time, and work is really full on. That leaves not a lot of time for anything else - I haven't seen one of my best friends since Christmas, because she's in a similar position. We have a date in the diary in September because that's the first date that we could make work. Life happens.

Yeah, but just remember that it's the shit ones that people start threads about, not the decent ones!

I just ended it.

And I think I bought like, one vodka, so no money spent, no harm, no foul, no need to go back on contraception.

give it a day and I'll be wondering why I bothered at all, though I suppose this thread is the answer.

If anyone's still reading, I got back with him.

I have now ended this three times and gone back, and he's like "yay, you're back". Is it a case of "some men will put up with anything for sex?"

I know I'm behaving badly. I haven't told my friends about this.

I can't get my head round being not-single. And he's doing everything right, but at the back of my mind I'm like "Yikes, it's a bloke".

I think he doesn't believe you each time and he's right not to, you are just using this as a way of expressing uncertainty and nervousness at this new situation.

Yes
but why would anyone put up with that?
he also says he's in love with me

I find him to be an odd combo of shy and arrogant.

If you think less of him for liking you with all your faults, that's kind of your problem. He's keen, you are not, it'll resolve one way or another. I'm not going to convince you to stay with a man if you don't want a boyfriend or don't want this particular man, but obviously some part of you does else you wouldn't be returning.

I think you sound very defensive in your actions and are defending your heart and convincing yourself you don't like him anyway, this is something I would have done in the past. It's just a tactic to try to preserve some control.

Some therapy would give you a space to talk through both your feelings about this relationship (or any one) and the loss of your friends over the pandemic, even just a few sessions as a place to unpack all this.

Highdays "If you think less of him for liking you with all your faults, that's kind of your problem"

I don't think less of him but I'm very aware that if one of my friends was being treated this way, I'd be telling them to bin him off.

Also, I'm thinking, is this about money? I am perceived as being well off by some.

Then again, the last guy I dated was very wealthy, also said "I love you" very quickly, and talked theoretically about living together. But I didn't think for a minute it might be £ related as he was loaded.

"I can't get my head round being not-single. "

That's the crux of it then. It's not him you want. It's the attention and company. You end it. Don't like being "alone" and he's daft enough to take you back. He'll put up with being treated like that until he's sick of it.

It's nothing to do with sex or money. It's to do with the need to feel loved, needed, wanted, liked.

DatingDinosaur interesting. I've said upthread that if I had my 2019 life, I'd probably have said no to meeting up.

When I find his messaging a bit full on, I think well hang on, if it was my bestie wanting back and forth messaging all evening, I would be happy with that - I miss that.

But perhaps a boyfriend is a bestie of another kind? I like being alone in the sense of not having a man around.

It's really helpful to have input. I am completely baffled by myself at the moment really.