Where do I find the strength?

[rollercoasterindecline]

NC but long term poster.

I need to find the strength to end my marriage. I could fill a page but the crux of it is my DH has severe MH problems he is currently an inpatient and doesn’t seem to be improving.

I have supported him for decades but I can’t do it any more, my own MH has broken down I am off work and having counselling. I feel paralysed. I have asked for a safe place to have this conversation but the hospital say he is too poorly.

I have no support from his family or friends, neither does he. I have a very small amount of support network myself, two or three people who I do have can offer minimal support, really just a listening ear. They are very concerned about me.

I need guidance and strategies because I don’t feel strong enough to do this.

That’s a really difficult situation.
As the hospital have said talking to your husband about separating isn’t possible atm I think you have to go ahead and make your choice based on what’s best for you. Your husband is being cared for, presumably offered counselling, therapy, medication and I really think you need to look after you.
Maybe looking at the practicalities will help, I always find list making breaks tasks down, makes things feel more manageable. Perhaps start with where you’d live, then your job, money you’d have.

You have every right to walk away if you need to.

I think you need to insist that you're having this conversation while he's in hospital so that he is watched for signs of deterioration.

I know you will be feeling guilty but please don't. You have supported him for a long time and it is now at the expense of your own health.

I think you need to simply tell the nursing staff it is happening and bite the bullet.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My DH also suffers with his MH but much less seriously and it is so so hard being the person who is always the rock. Sometimes you do need to remember to be you own rock too... good luck xxx

You have to take care of yourself now. If that means separating now but his psychiatrist doesn’t want you to tell him now, perhaps you can write your husband a letter (dated) explaining your decision and that the doctor delayed informing him. Give it to the psychiatrist to read to /pass on to your husband when he feels it is appropriate. But don’t allow your husband’s health workers compromise your health for the sake of his.

Is this his first stay in hospital? I hope we can give you some guidance op.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What kind of guidance and support would be most useful for you right now? Practical information on finances, housing etc or emotional support?

If he has MH i dont think anytime is the best but the fact he is somewhere he could get help already should it go down then in my mind says it's the best place to tell him tbh.

Thanks for your replies.

I am usually a very capable person who can deal with the practical and much of the emotional but right now I feel unable to do either.

This depressive episode has been prolonged, not least because he has been repeatedly let down by the CMHT. They recognise this but the service is in crisis itself. This is not his first stay, that was many years ago when treatment was more available. He has already been in for 2 months now with no improvement.

I do think it needs to happen while he has support around him but he is unwell not stupid and he can sense the atmosphere and is seeking reassurance. He had a total meltdown last week after a visit and it hurts to see him in so much pain. So I am afraid to make that final decision, not only against medical advice but also because it's the loss of the man I love, the man he is when he is well and our future plans.

I have phoned the hospital and told them I need a break and no contact with him but I can't stop crying. I think it's emotional strength I need right now, the practicalities can wait. I feel heart broken.

Work, housing and money are all ok for now and though it would mean lifestyle changes I wouldn't be homeless or destitute.

Divirce isn’t a “ final decision “, it’s a long process. There’s a great deal you can do to get the ball rolling without involving him. It’s mostly paperwork and meetings and I’m sure you can do that .

Ask around people you know for a good family law solicitor. Say it’s for your sister / colleague / friend if you like . Make an appointment to see them.

Bfsore you go, write a long briefing document for them. All very factual

your dates of birth, date and place of marriage , any kids and DOB
your jobs and salary
List of all matrimonial assets and info on value as much as you can . That’s every single thing bought or owned by one or both of you during the marriage ( with a few exceptions )
property, cars, mortgage, pensions, savings , insurance policies debt, credit cards, etc

If in doubt, list it. what they DONT need is a long list of bad things that have happened in your marriage, as it will probably be “ no fault divorce”.

I don’t need a solicitor or a divorce, there is no ball to get rolling.

I need to get through the day not the divorce.

All of those things you list are on the tip of my tongue and would take less than half an hour to document if I could see through the tears.

There are a lot of good things happened in my marriage, he is not a bad man.

I’m sorry I thought you were asking for guidance and support on how to end your marriage. I apologise if I have misunderstood , I hope you find the help you need.

If it’s coping on a day to day strategy, I can offer some things I’ve been doing.

Accept that there is a period of grief you have to go through and there’s nothing you can do to speed that up. Divorce is listed as high as bereavement, it takes time.

Distract yourself when and how you can, if it’s only for the moment.

Sleep as much as you can.

Have a mantra you repeat to yourself that works for you. I read an article the other day where a women had decided her manta was “Let them be”. She can’t change others people’s behaviour, so she needs to accept and let them be. Mine is more of a “stop dwelling on this”.

Go online and read anything you can about mental health tips, and use all or as many that you find that can resonate with you.

I was already on antidepressants, but my doctor suggested I doubled my dose and that had really helped over time.

I don’t know if that is the sort of help you wanted, but as others have said, if you are in crisis you have to put yourself first.

Hey xx what a difficult situation. You're probably just prolonging the inevitable, he may well feel the atmosphere and suspect. Maybe actually confirming the relationship is over with him will actually help him. Obviously not strait away but once the news and the dust has settled.
My friend wanted to separate/divorce her mentally ill husband. He told me after that he fearer her leaving him for such a long time but when it happened he managed much better than expected. That it was a weight of his shoulders as he know it wasn't working out.
The other thing to think about is that you could still remain friends (if you wanted) visit him and give him emotional support. As you would do a friend in that situation. So realistically not a lot will change for him.
The staff are bound to advise you not to have that conversation ATM. But their only seeing it from his perspective and in the here and now. Personally I'm with you, best to do it now while he's in a safe place.
Would writing him a letter help at all? Is there a day/time where it would be best to tell him? Such as a day where a member of staff he gets in well with is working? I would call the hospital before and tell them. Maybe be you could ask for a member of staff who knows him well to be in the room while you tell him. Then after if he's confused or unsure if what was said that person can confirm it.
Lastly im so sorry your in this situation. But you don't owe someone else your life. X

Your replies really resonate with me, they made me cry, a lot.

It does feel like bereavement even if it’s for our future, what should have or could have been. The mantra let them be feels so appropriate especially when I feel the need to contact him. I am using distraction however short that may be. I should think about antidepressants because where I was initially stressed and anxious I do feel that it has developed into depression.

The fear of living with what if she leaves me rings true, I’ve never thought of it that way. We’ve been together over 30 years and conquered so much but I’m sure the atmosphere is different this time. It has been for a while in truth.

I have asked for a member of staff as I felt it would be safer, however the psychiatrist advised against it. Having a witness to breaking up sounds so intrusive. Very good point of having someone who can reflect back with him what was said because that is a big problem at the moment. What I say to him and what he hears or interprets are two different things, his mind seems to change the words and tone.

Right now he doesn’t want me as a friend, it’s all or nothing.

You've told the hospital that you want to go NC. I think that is a good idea as it will give you time to process all this. It sounds very much, as you say, like a bereavement. Keep talking to us if it helps.

Thank you we haven’t had contact it’s hard though. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve either cried, distracted myself or used that let them be mantra today.

I have my next counselling session on Friday I’m dreading the weekend.

What is it about the weekend particularly that you are dreading op?

We usually spend the weekend together and there’s less to distract me. We also have a dog so it’s hard for me to get out for any length of time other than taking him on a good long walk. It’s the loneliness.

Op, i recently passed the park bench where i sat waiting for my then husband, for me to tell him i was ending it. I was so tense/anxious/scared whatever, but i knew i was done so i did it. I only pass this bench once in a blue moon now but when i do I'm filled with a feeling of fondness, gratitudue, something hard to put my finger on. I smile when i see it, so glad I gave my life the direction it needed, and I'm grateful for these 16 yrs of happiness I've had since then. Your thread reminded me of this. Good luck to you.

Could you make a plan for the weekend so you're keeping as occupied as it's possible to be? Make sure you spend some time doing something you enjoy. Going for a walk is good. I find it helps me clear my mind. Has your DH been coming home at weekends previously?

Look on Facebook and see if there are any walking groups you can join (may well be able to take the dog). Or friendship groups you can join. If you look in your area there are often single groups or friendship groups that meet regularly.
You could go to the library and choose a few new books, then you have something to do when you get back.

Thank you these are good ideas. Today I met a long term friend for coffee and had a chat. I took the dog down to the woods and river when it was cool enough. I’m quite tired feeling that I’m having to do something to keep busy as I can’t relax.

I have lots of books I’m an avid reader I have read a book this week but I can’t even remember it. We do live close to good walking routes so groups could be a good idea.

I have had a call from the hospital today for an update and a small text exchange with my DH about some hospital results.

@dudsville I can understand that. Did it take you long to move on? I imagine myself feeling peaceful, living alone.

Don't be silly! For a start the Consultant is in charge not the nursing staff. It is being made perfectly clear that husband is in a very delicate state of mental health. Would you wish to hear he has had to be placed in suicide watch? No. The best the poster can do is to carry in with her plans for a separate life, and keep the medical staff up to date with her progress (then when they think he has recovered a little his named nurse or the Consultant will bring him up to.
The lack of tolerance towards severe mental illness on Mumsnet astounds me.

You do not need anyone’s permission to separate. Write a break up letter and send it when he’s well enough, in the mean time, act like he knows and start making steps to move forward. I think it’s important that staff know that you will have to tell him before he leaves the hospital and that as per their advice you are delaying not telling him not cancelling not telling him.

It sounds like the hardest part isn’t telling him but accepting that you no longer want to stay in the relationship and overcoming the guilt of wanting to move on. It’s a process, sometimes there isn’t a bang but a slow fizzle.

Yes I think you’re right the hardest part is accepting it. Been for my counselling today. Explored a few things including the resentment that I feel that I’m at home keeping everything ticking over and looking after the dog on my own while attending meetings at the hospital and supporting him. He is going on days out and socialising in the community hub and grounds.

I’m not looking forward to the weekend, but apparently he’s looking forward to a bbq they are having. Because it’s Father’s Day any feelers I’ve put out for me have come to nothing as people have family plans. Feeling sorry for myself I think.

She did discuss not making a decision while I’m in this frame of mind.