Where do I find the strength?

[rollercoasterindecline]

NC but long term poster.

I need to find the strength to end my marriage. I could fill a page but the crux of it is my DH has severe MH problems he is currently an inpatient and doesn’t seem to be improving.

I have supported him for decades but I can’t do it any more, my own MH has broken down I am off work and having counselling. I feel paralysed. I have asked for a safe place to have this conversation but the hospital say he is too poorly.

I have no support from his family or friends, neither does he. I have a very small amount of support network myself, two or three people who I do have can offer minimal support, really just a listening ear. They are very concerned about me.

I need guidance and strategies because I don’t feel strong enough to do this.

@Thistlelass you are correct, they are concerned about him. He was on suicide watch but is now downgraded to risk assessment but consultant still says he is not well enough he is too unstable.

There is a lack of understanding, including from me sometimes and I’ve lived with him long enough to know that outwardly he can appear to be ok but internally he’s struggling. How can he be doing all of these social activities while still being so unwell right?

Right now I go from grief to anger and back quite frequently. Sorry for all the rambling.

Ramble away. Getting thoughts out of your head is so important. Acceptance takes a long time. It's no overnight thing. It's like bereavement. It all takes a while to process. You can continue with practical steps though no matter what.

Quite often patients need to be distracted from their thoughts and feelings as they are really painful or focused on harming self or others. I would discuss how you are feeling with his named nurse. They will need to know anyway to make sensible plans for his discharge x

They have it in the notes that I cannot look after him on discharge and that they need a robust plan in place, whenever that will be.

His nurse rang last night asking if he can spend some time at home at the weekend. She actually said what you have written, that he has turned up to outings but it has been a distraction not a social event. He has had a lot of therapy this week. I said yes on the condition that we don’t talk about us.

The nurses are always available to me even when he is home, they always check in with me at least once. He doesn’t stay overnight.

Sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot.

In a way it seems a little unfair that he is receiving 24/7 support, and you only have one therapy session. As this does affect your mental health too. I know you said the nurses keep in contact, but does the hospital offer you family therapy?

If you have said you won't speak of your relationship this weekend, do you suspect he knows deep down where this is going?

Are you feeling pressurized to have him home this weekend? If you don't feel comfortable about it, can you not visit him for Father's Day instead?

I am not sure I understand why they suggested he come home when you have said you need to be NC for a bit. I assume as he is their patient, so his needs are more of a priority?

I suspect we both know where this is going but neither of us have the resilience to confront it right now.

My therapy sessions were arranged by me, the CMHT have not referred me for counselling. We did try family therapy last year but he cried through every session and they have said they will try again when he is ready.

They encourage patients to have as much home leave as possible as some people can become institutionalised very quickly. I have been NC for 4 days, I think they think that's enough?

He has agreed not to speak of our relationship as it causes arguments and we both need some time away from that. I don't feel pressurised today, when I have I have said no. He has to be on the ward at medication times so with travel he is only here a few hours and we don't interact the whole time.

So far we have had coffee in the garden and general chit chat, this afternoon he is doing some gardening, we have big trees that need cutting and he will take the dog out, which saves me a job.

Oh and to be fair he needs 24 / 7 there is such a shortage of hospital beds that he really wouldn't have one if he didn't need it.