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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had a positive test, on the verge of leaving him

32 replies

OohhCake · 12/06/2023 09:51

It's a but of a complicated one but I'll keep as short as possible. My husband and I live in our motorhome, by choice to travel. He is a full time wheelchair user and has different medical issues. That's not the issue here, it just makes it more difficult.

Today I had a positive test (not trying but missing period so took one and its positive - makes me super happy) but I can't tell him. He pushed me in frustration the other day and threw something at my face this morning. I feel like I'm internally coming to terms with leaving him as I don't feel it's going to get better, he keeps making unnecessary nasty comments and making stuff up. If I tell him he will flip at me and try to get me to abort. If I leave he can't drive and will force himself and crash or be stuck, I will be 100% homeless and he will try and take literally everything away from me.

I feel a little lost and don't know what to do, or even if I want to work at us. Each comment makes me love him less and less. We lost twins a while back and he got me to terminate once before that I regret on a daily basis, he wanted to travel etc.

Any advice would be great. Just feeling lost as I have nobody

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 12/06/2023 09:54

Reach out to womens aid for support. In the meantime don’t tell him about the test. This is your decision. Good luck

Minfilia · 12/06/2023 09:55

Do either of you work? If so then you do have control over the situation.

Unhappy and abusive marriage? Take steps to leave (with or without the pregnancy).

I would be considering whether you want to be tied to an abusive ex for the next 18 years though. Bringing a baby into that scenario when you have no home isn’t exactly ideal but I’d hope you’d be eligible for emergency accommodation in those circumstances at least.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/06/2023 09:56

I would put aside the positive test for now and look at whether you want to stay with him or not. It sounds like you already know the relationship is over but if you are going to stay, you then need to look into whether you really want to bring up a child with him.

If you are leaving, then you need to look at parenting by yourself and if that’s what you want to do. If so, there is plenty of support for you. Equally, if you don’t, then that is also absolutely fine.

Do you have friends and family you can talk to?

Beamur · 12/06/2023 09:57

If you decide to split, what he does next is not your concern.

sparkleice · 12/06/2023 09:58

He pushed me in frustration the other day and threw something at my face this morning. I feel like I'm internally coming to terms with leaving him as I don't feel it's going to get better, he keeps making unnecessary nasty comments and making stuff up. If I tell him he will flip at me and try to get me to abort. If I leave he can't drive and will force himself and crash or be stuck, I will be 100% homeless and he will try and take literally everything away from me.

Firstly - do you want a baby?

Secondly, the bit in bold is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

You need to leave, you deserve so much better

MaverickSnoopy · 12/06/2023 09:59

Contact Women's Aid. Speaking to a real person who has experience of how to help women in this situation will help you through your difficult questions that feel impossible.

It's not your responsibility how he behaves if you leave, but I understand why you feel it is and are worried.

So many women say that once they have children, it is when they experience abuse ramping up.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Try to focus on the needs of your baby as much as your own.

Onemyownhere · 12/06/2023 10:01

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determinedtomakethiswork · 12/06/2023 10:09

I wouldn't want to have a baby with him at all. I wouldn't want his baby. I would want to get as far as possible away from him. For those reasons I would definitely terminate and leave him as well. I'm really sorry but you have to see that you can't have a lifetime connection with somebody who is violent towards you.

pointythings · 12/06/2023 10:11

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No, it isn't. The moment he chose to ejaculate inside his wife, he lost his say. Choices, consequences. This is a man who has already coerced his wife into a termination she didn't want. Shame on you for defending him.

OP, make your decision based on what is best for you. His issues are his problem. You owe this abusive tosspot nothing.

MammaTo · 12/06/2023 10:19

I completely understand you regret your previous termination but you need to think seriously about your life if you keep this baby. He will always be tied to you forever, you’ll never really be free from him.

Plus are you able to support a baby if you decide to keep it? It’s a really awful situation but you need to think if it’s fair to bring a baby into this situation.

blacksax · 12/06/2023 10:29

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He has already made the OP have one termination which she deeply regrets, and she is on the verge of leaving him because he is abusive. I don't really think he should even be told, let alone have a say in the matter.

sweetgingercat · 12/06/2023 11:22

I would leave now and tell him you're having the baby afterwards...

Because it sounds as if you're not going to be able to easily manage looking after him and the baby.

He's becoming unpredictable or uncontrolled and violent and the presence of an unwanted baby might intensify those feelings. Domestic violence has no place in you or your baby's life.

He doesn't seem to want to have a baby and you are pregnant and you do. (And if he really didn't want to have a baby he should have been using contraception rather than leave it to chance three times.)

If he is disabled and unable to function on his own and you are his carer then I think it is your responsibility not to leave him in a vulnerable position. Is that the case? Does he need someone with him? Does he have any other family you could ask to help or step in? Can he pay for carers? Does he have a disability allowance?

Good luck. You sound like a wonderful, caring, thoughtful person who would make an amazing mother!

WaterIris · 12/06/2023 11:40

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Horse shit.

His choice was to have sex without taking necessary precautions - noting that no fom of birth control is 100% effective apart from abstinence.

If he didn't want children then he should have had a vasectomy or avoided sex.

His choice ends when he ejaculated inside the OP, know that every episode of PIV sex carries a risk of pregnancy unless he's had the snip.

EarthlyNightshade · 12/06/2023 11:43

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Is what way it is his choice as well?
Do you think he should be able to force her to have an abortion?

OP, I think you need to get away, don't tell him about the positive test until you are really sure what you want to do.

dickheed · 12/06/2023 11:45

If he is disabled and unable to function on his own and you are his carer then I think it is your responsibility not to leave him in a vulnerable position. Is that the case? Does he need someone with him? Does he have any other family you could ask to help or step in? Can he pay for carers? Does he have a disability allowance?

It is not OP's responsibility to keep caring for him when he is being abusive and throwing things at her.
If you decide to leave OP, you can contact an appropriate agency to inform them that you are leaving him. I'm not in the UK any more so I don't know what the correct channels are.
You do not have to stay with a violent man because he happens to be a wheelchair user with medical issues.

I suggest you ring Women's Aid and outline the entire situation to them.
Do not tell him you are pregnant.
Once you have spoken to Women's Aid you will have a clearer idea of what options might be possible and you can then at that point consider whether you want to continue with the pregnancy.

lottielottie1 · 12/06/2023 11:48

It dosn't seem like he wants a baby, seems like you do. I don't think you can get rid of your baby for him, when it already seems like is isn't treating you good. I don't think you can stay have a baby and potentially look after him also. Maybe just think about what you want and go for it.

sparkleice · 12/06/2023 12:01

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Nope it isnt

He can have an opinion, IF the OP wants him to, but he does not have a choice. Yes it sucks for the man, but thats the way it is

MagicBullet · 12/06/2023 12:03

If he is disabled and unable to function on his own and you are his carer then I think it is your responsibility not to leave him in a vulnerable position. Is that the case? Does he need someone with him? Does he have any other family you could ask to help or step in? Can he pay for carers? Does he have a disability allowance?

Im disabled.
I don’t believe that, IN THIS CASE, the OP has any particular responsibility towards him.
He is physically abusive and even though she MIGHT be his carer, this doesn’t mean his needs trumps hers. And her need fir safety is top of the list as far as I’m concerned.

Fwiw being in a wheelchair and nit knowing how to drive doesn’t mean he needs a carer!!

AdoraBell · 12/06/2023 12:07

He is abusing you. Contact Women’s Aid as suggested and get some help to leave if you need help.

MagicBullet · 12/06/2023 12:07

@OohhCake the big issue here is that the motor home is at the same time your home and your mean if transport. For both of you.

I really don’t know what is the law around kicking him out of the motor home and leaving. I’m assuming it won’t be straight forward depending on who owns the motor home and whether it’s considered a home or a vehicle.

You need some legal advice there. WA is good starting point. So is a lawyer.

Do you have any support in RL? Someone to talk to on what’s going on.

TheInterceptor · 12/06/2023 12:36

Park outside his Mum's/best friend's/sister's house and leave with your head high. Congratulations on your pregnancy and have a wonderful future. Be with people who lift you up, not drag you down.

romanticdresses · 12/06/2023 12:51

Some years ago I got pregnant, it was planned, but ex turned on me, wanted me to abort. So I left him had the baby and although it was lonely and hard, it was more rewarding and beautiful. Not saying this path is for everyone. I had great support around me at the time. DS is now an successful adult.

All the very best OP

CrepuscularCritter · 12/06/2023 12:58

Firstly, OP, if the news makes you happy, then very many congratulations.

Secondly, this is an abusive relationship. Having a disability does not excuse that. Without saying too much, I am the daughter of a woman who was in your position. His frustration with his situation spilled over regularly onto those closest to him.

She eventually left him. She only secured care for him when she moved away.

Do what is right by you and your feelings. Please don't be guilt tripped. The frustration and pain he feels is not a justification to abuse you.

Sending strength from a stranger.

LemonjeIIo · 12/06/2023 13:01

Have your beautiful baby on your own

Good luck ❤️

Onemyownhere · 12/06/2023 14:09

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