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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband behaviour

33 replies

Samantha41 · 11/06/2023 18:36

Ive come home to a filthy house after working a 7 day week. Husband and kids out all day at a friends house. We’ve tried chore list and he never does it so today I lost my temper and told him as of tomorrow he will be in charge of his own washing as I don’t agave Time or the want to do it as he treats me like a skivvy !!!!
he then tells me if that’s the case I’ll need to start paying half the rent etc and not to play that game as I’ll lose !!!! . I work full time do all childcare household chores food shop and cooking. He earns more than I do and all my money goes on bills etc and the children.
I feel like such an idiot I’m working more as it’s his 40th and I’m planning a trip to Venise and then a big surprise party with his family and friends !!!!
for my 40rh he did the opposite of what I asked for and I didn’t get a present !!!!

OP posts:
Richandstrange · 11/06/2023 18:47

I'd be having a think about whether you might actually be better off on your own OP. One less person to clean up after, some time to yourself while he has the kids and no seething resentment to deal with at least 🤷🏻‍♀️

SauceForTheGoose · 11/06/2023 18:48

That doesn't sound like a great set up.

I think that you need to try and make him understand your point of view without him feeling as if you're attacking him.

Write down a list of how many hours work you do a week and all the chores and childcare you do and add up those hours. Tell him that you feel that you're not pulling together as a team and that you feel tired and overwhelmed. Ask him if you can find a solution together that you're both happy with and can realistically commit to.

If he still doesn't pull his weight then you've got a choice to either stay and put up with it or to leave.

greyhairnomore · 11/06/2023 18:49

I'd be cancelling the 40th celebrations for a start. Then a big sit down talk with a list of everything you do and pay for.

Elmer83 · 11/06/2023 19:02

Seriously don’t bother about the 40th surprise. I did the same with my husband…got fuck all in return when it was mine. Same as your husband…earns more and pays the majority of the bills so I’m always forever in his debt. Don’t be taken for the fool I am

wildfirewonder · 11/06/2023 19:06

I think you should stop planning the Venice trip and start thinking about separation.

Dacadactyl · 11/06/2023 19:09

God he sounds awful!

Original poster
Samantha41 · 11/06/2023 19:09

he thinks as he pays most bills I need to be his skivvy but that was the set up in his house. My mum was no fool, she was a sahm and my dad pitched in and she had time for her hobbies which I now realise was good for her mental health

OP posts:
Sasha46 · 11/06/2023 19:21

That was the set up in my husbands house growing up mum sahm and dad worked…our house is slightly different husband pays for the mortgage and all bills I pay for a new car every three years, holidays abroad and any trips our daughter might encounter at school, we also half the food shop every month but I do work full time….I would never be in a position to ask someone for money just to buy a pair of jeans….we don’t have joint bank accounts either as I would never want one.

keyboardkat · 11/06/2023 19:21

So what would you like to happen here? Versus what you think WILL happen here?

Do you have your own financial resources if you decide to bail out? But do you want to do this, or do you think he will change? He won't. Sorry to say.

RandomMess · 11/06/2023 19:23

Well I would knock his 40th birthday celebrations on the head, he can pay for and sort his own out.

You need to discuss finances properly so that you have equal free "spending" money and division of chores that you have equal leisure time.

If he thinks you deserve less do you want to stay with him and have your DC learn that as a role model?

pointythings · 11/06/2023 20:14

He's an old fashioned sexist pig. Housework isn't divvied up by who earns more, it's by hours worked. Everyone should have equal leisure time. Contributions to household finances should also be based on income based - he earns more, so he contributes more and you both have roughly equal spending money. That's what you need to demand.

He won't give it to you, so I'd be looking to see whether you could financially sustain LTB.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 14/06/2023 05:18

So he doesn’t listen to you or respect your wishes or help around the house… then tries to manipulate you when you try to put some boundaries in place…
Youre also making a massive expensive effort for his big birthday when he did nothing for yours?
id be going on that trip to Venice alone n then getting my ducks in a row when I got home!

Tinkerbyebye · 14/06/2023 08:44

You need to sort finances and pay proportionally so you get some spare money. You also need to chat with him around chores etc. if you both work full time you share the chores so you both have downtime

i would also start getting dicks in a row to look at leaving the man child

Tinkerbyebye · 14/06/2023 08:45

And I wouldn’t be doing Venice or a large party for his 40th. Save that money ad a slush fund and do exactly what he did for yours, nothing

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/06/2023 08:51

He's a wanker. Basically he's saying he's paying you to be the skivvy while you also work FT. Take him up on his offer - split everything 50/50. Childcare, cooking housework, admin, the whole lot.
I suspect he's used to being the lord and master by the very fact he did nothing for your birthday but you're planning a big celebration in Venice for his! Unbelievable...

Opentooffers · 14/06/2023 09:08

You are married so your finances are legally joint, as are his responsibilities to his DC. He can try and tell you to pay half the rent, but he'd find it hard to make you so just say no, then don't do any cooking or washing for him. If you do all the childcare, that is worth far more in value than half the rent - treat it as how much it would cost to pay someone to do the graft you do.
It all sounds pretty miserable though, as is he. If you suspect he has managed to accumulate a fair amount in savings, that's family savings, so it's worth divorcing him to get at least half of it. Also, cms works on earnings, so if he earns a good wage, you'd get a fair monthly sum to help. He'd have to pay you rather than you effectively paying him by working for free.He should be giving you money right now up to the point where you both have the same amount of disposable money each month.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/06/2023 09:12

Cancel the Venice trip and use the funds to pay for a solicitor instead.

Fraaahnces · 14/06/2023 09:14

Cancel his party and send him photos of you in Venice with your new lover while he’s at home minding the kids on his birthday.

Beachhutnut · 14/06/2023 09:15

Cancel the trip and use the money for a cleaner

frozendaisy · 14/06/2023 10:19

So he thinks this is all a "game" he will win.

I presume this is his philosophy in a nutshell.

What you want to do with that information is up to you.

frozendaisy · 14/06/2023 10:23

Why are you making such a 40th birthday fuss over someone who did the opposite of what you asked for your birthday?

Why?

Do you assume if you make this grand gesture the penny will drop and he will suddenly realise that you are amazing and he is lucky to have you? Or do you feel you have to otherwise he will be unbearable that you did nothing? Or are you going because you want to go to Venice and he wouldn't go otherwise?

Look at your motivation for reconfirming his assumption he is king of the world on his birthday. Go from there.

blackpooolrock · 14/06/2023 11:07

Firstly i would cancel any birthday plans for him.

Secondly i would write a list of hours worked and then how much time you spend on chores, childcare, shopping, cooking etc.

Also list your income and outgoings and how much you have left.

Ask him to list his as well then sit down and compare.

If he still wont listen or do anything suggest getting someone in to help clean maybe twice a week and see what he does.

If he wont move you either put up with it or suggest a split. He must know that as hes your husband he has half the responsibilities for running a house?

HostaLuago · 14/06/2023 11:15

Ah yes the resentment sets in, next thing he'll be off having an affair to teach you a lesson.

You married a fool who has no idea of fairness, he will ruin things one way or another. Men like this don't normally realise what they have until it's all gone and by that time nobody wins.

PurpleParrotfish · 14/06/2023 11:26

You need to discuss finances properly so that you have equal free "spending" money and division of chores that you have equal leisure time.

100% this. If he thinks that because he earns a bigger hourly wage that gives him the ability and the right to hog all the available time for leisure, and all the available spare spending money he’s completely misunderstood the concept of marriage, sharing resources and being a team. He seems to have mistaken you for an employee.

I also dislike the idea of one partner giving the other a ‘chores list’ by the way, but the biggest problem here is that he’s decided he’s at the top of the hierarchy and you’re at the bottom.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2023 11:32

Fuck the birthday party and the fancy trip. Use that money for a solicitor. What a prick.