Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP, herpes and dating wwyd

36 replies

Lyinganddeceiving · 11/06/2023 17:05

My partner lied about having cold sores and now I have it but not in the oral area. He knew is was having an outbreak and said he cut himself accidentally - it didn’t look like a cold sore. I then found medication hidden in the bathroom.

Things haven’t been great for a while but we make it work the issue is that since he gave it to me I have started to hate my sexuality as it sort of killed things. Hard to describe really. He denied it was him but I had a primary outbreak - nothing since, and he had a blister which was swabbed and confirmed to be HSV 1 - I got really sick a few days after the event and it was quite something - although it didn’t look like cold sores usually do. My own fault for believing him.

The problem I have is there is such a stigma attached to it and I’ve heard horror stories that I don’t even want to bother putting myself through the shame of being rejected so I’ve stayed to try and make it work. We have enormous issues, bother separated and have children so will never live together and of course I can get over my anger and mistrust that he lied. That said things are not always bad but I am so down and feel like contaminated goods. I know I should try and come to terms with it but I have read mostly such negative things around this subject ☹️

It’s ruining my life to be honest

OP posts:
Mummyboy1 · 11/06/2023 17:08

Didn't want to read and run! I don't have it on my genitap area, just on my mouth when I get them, and I understand the stigma! However, my friend does get it on her genitals from a previous partner and she's had no issues, she's very honest with people early on.
I couldn't stay with him, he purposely lied to you and trie to hide the truth.

hashbrownbkind · 11/06/2023 19:01

Sorry you're in this situation.

  1. HSV1 in genitals: You will have to disclose it even without an active infection and it will put some men off but some won't care or will have it there, too or might have HSV2. It doesn't mean you won't find anyone at all, it's just one more baggage in life but guys out there also have their own baggage and people are allowed to choose what baggage they accept. This shouldn't be a reason to hang on to a relationship that you feel a lepper that nobody wants and have to stay with him.
  2. Infecting you and lying about having it is one of the many issues in your relationship. It could be the last straw or it could be you're willing to put it past you, you could try counselling together if you want to stay but I personally don't think the relationship is worth salvage.
  3. Seek support from HSV communities online. I don't know if you are the same poster or it's others, and if it is others that keep posting about herpes and stigma then it's a good sign to remind you that there are many in your shoes. No matter how many times I read about it or sympathise with how you're feeling I'm not going to suddenly want to get it or not care if a future partner disclose having it. It's good to raise awareness, but it's not going to be something that a person usually wants to get even though it's not a life sentence, it's just unpleasant. I think you would be better off speaking to people in your shoes or who have medical information to process your feelings and hear about dating afterwards. There has been numerous threads on this like I said so if you use the search function you can read what others had to say.
Original poster
Lyinganddeceiving · 11/06/2023 19:48

No never posted before, I will look for the other threads too and yes a little helpful to know there are other people in the same situation but I am almost 50 and this happened in the last 5 years and not previously because I have been so careful/lucky and this happened because of a blatant lie.

on point one I was told I don’t have to disclose legally by a counsellor I spoke to last week from a helpline I called when I had an absolute breakdown over it but I wouldn’t sleep with anyone without disclosing as that how I got it, so in all honesty I was quite shocked to be told I didn’t have to disclose. I suppose people with oral HSV 1 don’t have to either so same principle as it’s type 1. I think in all cases disclosure should be 100% mandatory and it should be a routine sti blood test. Sorry angry.

Yes I do feel like a leper you’ve nailed it actually. Actually quite helpful in a sort of twisted way to frame it like that 😫

I am so angry and feel so defeated that if he had Ben honest I wouldn’t have picked up a life long virus which is causing me no end of mental health issues.

The lying and manipulation is yes, making any outcome to any of it not look great at this point.

thank you for the reply and thank you @Mummyboy1 for not reading and running!!

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 11/06/2023 19:58

Please don't stay with him just because you think you are now 'infected' and won't find anyone else.

Most men couldn't care less about STIs, never mind one that is also not an STI. If you agree to have sex with them, they are usually delighted, end of story. Men are generally pretty simple that way. Sure namalt, but most are.

Maybe you are a bit low because of the infection as well. Viral infections can cause depression and neuroinflammation. You may feel better quicker if you rest lots.

Keitharingsbitch · 11/06/2023 20:02

I'm so sorry. What he did to you was horrific and I think it should be a crim tbh. You absolutely aren't contaminated goods. Please don't settle for his awful treatment because you think you'll not get anyone else.

Original poster
Lyinganddeceiving · 11/06/2023 20:03

He told me at the time it wasn’t him ( I had blood test when pregnant all negative ) and he was the first person after I separated so besides it being an obvious primary infection he tried to tell me my loose past (his narrative) was to blame but he hoped that it was him as then he’d feel better as it wasn’t another man.

I make him sound sinister I know

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyinganddeceiving · 11/06/2023 20:06

These kind posts are making me cry which I never do.

I’ve not told a soul in real life except my sister which doesn’t count as she couldn’t care less but is furious obviously

OP posts:
EarthSight · 11/06/2023 20:12

He knew is was having an outbreak and said he cut himself accidentally - it didn’t look like a cold sore. I then found medication hidden in the bathroom

What a fucking arsehole. If you have a cold sore, or think you're about to get one, you don't give someone oral sex but he wasn't willing to deny himself that.

HSV1 is mainly responsible for oral cold sores. If you feel stigmatised.....then you might want to pay a visit to a secondary school. I can bet a lot of kids there who are out snogging each other at parties and whose immune systems are still developing will have had it or knows someone who's had that variety. Like warts that you see on kids' hand, their immune system usually finds a way to tackle them and keep them at bay. Might take a few years for that to happen in some cases and some people's immune systems are better at handling it than others. This is why you see adverts for products to combat it on TV - it's that common.

Your were just unuckly enough to catch HTV-1 genitally, which can happen, but I'm not sure about the likelyhood of you getting it again there.

ArcticSkewer · 11/06/2023 20:21

He sounds a total loser. please ditch him immediately. You will feel much better

violetcuriosity · 11/06/2023 20:21

He's been a dick.

Now, this may come across as me being flippant but I really wish someone had said this to me when I was first diagnosed.

It's no big deal, you will accept it, you will fall in love again and people won't care. I have never passed it on to anyone else.

It will all be fine, ride the wave and life will get back ti normal.

Ps. Get rid

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:53

Hi there,
I think you are very kind and honest but I also don't think you have to disclose. More than 50% of the population have this virus, even those who don't actually get visible cold sores they are just carriers - have you ever heard of someone disclosing being a carrier of the cold sore virus before snogging you?

If you want to be honest about carrying the virus, you also don't have to tell a new man it's genital- it's the same virus. Eg, before you sleep with him or even kiss him you could say ' I want to kiss you but I'm a bit worried as a few months ago I had a cold sore for the first time. It's gone now so I think it's very unlikely it's contagious but just wanted to warn you in case you've never had a cold sore before and you're worried about catching it.' If he is happy to take the risk and kiss you then I don't think you need to tell him more before sleeping with him as he's agreed to be exposed to the cold sore virus. He will most likely say that he's had a cold sore before so don't worry. (Worst case scenario, if he agrees to take the risk and then he does catch it, he will be prepared, whether he gets it orally or down there). If, way down the line, you get a reoccurrence you can either tell him or just avoid sex for a week or two.

Your sex life is not over. Do NOT stay with a guy you don't like because you now feel stuck with him. I think if you follow the rule above you'll have no issues at all!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/06/2023 22:26

Don’t panic
I’d split with him to be honest as he’s an arse

bit herpes once you get your head around it isn’t a big deal
it’s horribly Stigmatised

Elieza · 11/06/2023 22:55

Sorry you’re going through this OP. He sounds like a right bastard. Time to leave him as there’s no way you could love him again after his betrayal. He’s a selfish, thoughtless and horrible piece of crap.

There was a court case about someone with aids having unprotected sex deliberately and not caring if partners caught it, so I don’t know if that’s set a precedent for legal action. Granted it’s a different infection. But still.

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 11/06/2023 23:06

Aids and herpes are not in the same ballpark.
Jesus!!!

frozendaisy · 11/06/2023 23:31

He is a bit sinister OP.
He had hidden medication
He should know enough about herpes to know an oral outbreak can infect genitals. He does know that the medical establishment would have told him.

But this aside, do you want to stay in this relationship?

You might not find another one regardless but are your only choices him or nothing?

In honestly at 50, sexually disease free, given herpes through lies, I would be fucking furious.
It's up to all of us to have a choice and he took your choice away.

I am nearly 50, if I became single would I date someone with herpes? Difficult question but my instinct is to say probably not. But saying that if everything else was right, there was openness and honesty, a real concern and drive to protect my health, then probably yes.

Don't stay because you think you have no other options OP.

guineacup · 11/06/2023 23:50

There shouldn't be any stigma to herpes at all!

70% of the U.K. population have it in their systems... You can get it simply from kissing, and cold sores are as much of a a right of passage for teenagers as acne!

guineacup · 11/06/2023 23:57

@frozendaisy

I am nearly 50, if I became single would I date someone with herpes? Difficult question but my instinct is to say probably not.

How would you know? They don't test for it in STI clinics, and why would they given it's generally less serious than the common cold, and pretty much as common. Once you have been exposed you are a carrier and 70% of the population are!
I think you're being very naive here.

guineacup · 12/06/2023 00:00

@Elieza

There was a court case about someone with aids having unprotected sex deliberately and not caring if partners caught it, so I don’t know if that’s set a precedent for legal action. Granted it’s a different infection. But still.

Equating Aids with Herpes makes about as much sense as equating Ebola with a slight sniffle...

Helena189 · 12/06/2023 00:06

I'm very confused, did he have an oral cold sore or was it on his genitals? I get oral cold sores quite often when I'm feeling run down, there's never been a big issue over it, I just treat it and avoid kissing my DH until it's healed, we've been together 17 years and he's never had a cold sore. I'd be mad about the lying yes but if its oral then I always thought it was pretty common

Original poster
Lyinganddeceiving · 12/06/2023 00:14

He had an oral cold sore which didn’t look like a cold sore but I asked him what is was and if it was a cold sore as it looked like a split lip really but he denied it and then admitted later after I found the Zovirax. He had a similar ‘cut’ in the same place a few months ago and said he caught it with his hand. Which in hindsight is just bizarre

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyinganddeceiving · 12/06/2023 00:15

oral can also be HSV 2 but I had test and I made him test his cold sore and it was HSV 1

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 12/06/2023 00:22

Lyinganddeceiving · 11/06/2023 20:03

He told me at the time it wasn’t him ( I had blood test when pregnant all negative ) and he was the first person after I separated so besides it being an obvious primary infection he tried to tell me my loose past (his narrative) was to blame but he hoped that it was him as then he’d feel better as it wasn’t another man.

I make him sound sinister I know

Dump him.

hopsalong · 12/06/2023 00:26

I think you need to calm down a bit about the herpes. Your relationship may well be truly fucked, but if so it surely has to be for other reasons?

HSV1 is incredibly common, almost all of us have it. I don't think genital outbreaks are usually as bad as with HSV2 but, either way, it's a perfectly manageable thing and you should be taking antivirals if you're having a lot of outbreaks to get it under control.

I doubt 'D'H was being either consciously or unconsciously malevolent. He probably didn't give it a second's thought. Which isn't ideal, but wouldn't for me be divorce territory either. It sounds as if you've got yourself worked up about the virus being dirty, shameful etc, when it isn't any of those things, just very easily transmissible and a bit of a pain at times.

truthhurts23 · 12/06/2023 00:27

Herpes sucks but you’re still alive, there’s worst things out there
and there are many people who will still date you
I have hsv2 genitally and I haven’t had a outbreak for years , it’s better to be honest about it, it will narrow down your options that’s the downside