Help me save my relationship

[blackwidow8]

First time poster, I’m almost certain I have BPD and am awaiting an official diagnosis. I wanted to post on here as I want to hear some hard truths if I need to.

My boyfriend absolutely adored me at the beginning of the relationship, it’s been 7 months now. Once things settled down the doubts came creeping in… does he love me as much as he used to, why isn’t he texting me as much, why doesn’t he want to spend all his time with me, he’s stopped saying cute things etc etc. It’s caused me to need reassurance and I’m asking him if he’s getting bored, if he’s still in love etc and he always says he is. He knows I struggle with my mental health so says he does cut me some slack.

The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. He says I “don’t ever understand him”. For example he’s texting me back less, I have to understand that he’s busy. I have to understand that he’s focusing on his football with friends and im not his top priority when he’s in the middle of a game. I have to be more understanding. See, my brain doesn’t understand how I’m not being understanding and supportive? He used to text me updates but now he doesn’t. So I feel things have changed but he just tells me they haven’t.

I requested he doesn’t raise his voice at me, he says he tries but still does sometimes. I also have certain needs eg being kind and soft with me, giving a proper apology that isn’t just a snap back at me after.
He calls me pathetic and a hypocrite because apparently I don’t give proper apologies either - I think it’s because I get too upset and think I’ve already ruined things. So I just cry and say sorry. I also take things in absolutes, so if he’s upset at me I think he’s going to split up with me or he hates me

Today I apologised for last night and he didn’t. He said he already apologised last night because “he can actually recognise when he’s done wrong at the time” so a dig at me. He apologised basically and then just looked up at the ceiling looking fed up. I asked him to instead hold my hand and do a proper apology. He stood up and shouted “so I have to apologise for the third time?!?” And stormed off.

Today was the first time he said I’m pushing him away and not letting him in. Today was also the first time I said I was going to go home, and he just let me leave. I feel like I’ve done a self fulfilling prophecy.

Am I doing wrong here? I’d love to hear from other points of view and also tips on how I can salvage this relationship. Thanks

You should still be in the honeymoon stage at 7 months! Is this really worth saving? If somebody called me pathetic I'd be saying my goodbyes.

You are sabotaging this relationship from the inside.

It always calms down after the first few weeks/months. That does not mean that he likes you less. If you carry on like this, you will drive him away.

If someone demanded I stand there and hold there hand to apologise 'properly' I would kick them out, not wait for them to leave!
It sounds like the honeymoon period is over for him and he finds your issues too much to deal with!

*their

I just wanted a genuine apology though; not him just saying “sorry” and then huffing whilst looking at the ceiling

Lots of relationships last about six months because they can’t get past the honeymoon stage.

You are incredibly hard work and I would not go out with you. Sorry but that’s the truth. You are making things full of drama and badgering him constantly by the sound of it.

end the relationship now and seek help for your mental health

He's not a child, you don't get to demand an apology in a style you accept.
If my husband stood there telling me how to apologise I would tell him to get stuffed.
Life is to short.

OP, you sound like extremely hard work and your fixation on ‘apologies’ is frankly weird. You’re pushing him away with this unreasonable behaviour. I’m not sure you can salvage it at this stage to be honest. The only thing you can try is to take a step back and respect his need for space. Stop moaning at him for more contact/affection/apologies.

Sorry, OP but noone would tolerate their partner demanding that they hold your hand and give a proper apology. That's not realistic expectations of another person.

It's also not good to be having so many rows that require elaborate apologies after only 7 months. Is it likely that in your mind, creating a drama means he's always thinking about the drama and thus, about you? Again, it's not healthy.

Cut this one loose, and get yourself into therapy. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you don't do some work on yourself, every relationship you have will follow the same doomed path.

With respect - I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship before your sort out your issues.
You sound very self focused - it’s all about ‘I need’ this and that. All seems to be about you and how he treats you, etc.
And the seemingly endless cycle of apologies? Just weird.

There is no such thing as a ‘proper apology’. Telling another adult to hold your hand and apologise in some particular style - for the 3rd time is very controlling/manipulative.
If he was my friend - I’d certainly tell him to run and save himself.

It sounds like, whether bpd or not, you obviously have some issues with perceived 'abandonment'. I'm not bpd but around certain areas I'm sensitive to it aswell, I was actually abandoned by my mother from age 6mo to about 1.5 years old. I assume that has a part to play. All thatto say, I understand why it feels so urgent and visceral. Those feelings tend to be out of all proportion to what's actually happening infront of you though. You can get help for it (DBT therapy, even some great books and podcasts on the topic will help if you cant afford or find a therapist). Learning those skills will help you calm your own feelings, act wisely and in proportion to what's actually happening. It really is our responsibility to manage them and not our partners...though an understanding partner is great because you can ask them for help but thats really all it is, they're helping you, they're not apologising for not fitting the precise actions you wanted them to fit. Theyre not amending who they are or how they act (unless they genuinely are in the wrong) They're just helping you manage your own feelings. That's not for everyone, it really isn't. I'm very fortunate in the dp I have. Whether your boyfriend is the right person to help you help yourself is something you'll need to ask yourself. I think calling you pathetic is really uncalled for and doesn't speak to the kind of empathy you might need as you go through diagnosis and recovery x

In all honesty and I don’t want to sound mean but I would run for the hills. If someone asked me to hold their hand and apologise I’d tell them to eff off.

I think you need to work on yourself before you get into a relationship.

Yeah I do worry about how he doesn’t seem to understand what I need, he does get angry at me and doesn’t show much compassion even though he says he tries. Thing is i really want to be with him and just want to treat him better

OP, the issue is you don’t seem to grasp what he needs. That’s the big problem, and is one of the reasons why he’s getting frustrated with you. Like others have said, you really need to work on your mental health, both for yourself and your future partner.

But I apologised this morning for niggling at him, and he just got angry at me instead and then didn’t recognise that he was unkind to me last night too

That’s because he’s reached the end of his tether with the Groundhog Day cycle of arguments and apologies. If you want any chance of salvaging this relationship at this point, you need to have a calm and honest conversation about your mental health and what you’re going to do about it moving forward. You need to be conscious that is might be beyond saving though.

Op, it's over. Seriously, this relationship is already done. It shouldn't be this hard. You expecting him to hold your hand and apologise again is just absolutely bizarre.

End it, leave him alone, and get help for yourself before entering another relationship.

OP, you don't need a diagnosis to get help for BPD. I agree that it sounds like you're self-sabotaging.

If you can afford it, get DBT (the very effective treatment for BPD). If you can't afford private therapy, I would try to get a book about BPD so you can educate yourself a bit on the condition and learn to be more aware of when you are having extreme reactions to things.

As a pp said, it's quite normal for there to be less messages etc after the initial honeymoon period- it can actually mean you are secure/settled in the relationship, rather than that the partner has gone off you.

If you have issues 7 months in, I wouldn't bother continuing this relationship. You sound fed up of each other.

How old are you @blackwidow8 ? Is this your first relationship? I am autistic, dx in childhood and I am very anxious in relationships because I can't read them well. I was very down that I would never meet anyone. I spoke to my sister and she asked a friend of hers to take me on some 'dates', he was lovely and he gave me positive feedback and I knew I could ask him, 'what does x mean ect'. We just had fun, we kissed once too, because that was something I was nervous about. Anyway, a year later, I met my now DH and it's all been brilliant for over 17 years now. Could you reach out to someone for help in real life?

He's a family friend now -- DH calls him 'Pip's practice boyfriend'!

Op it sounds like you have abandonment issues . This leads to anxiety I have been. Through what you have and i look back now and can see how hurt I was . Living what you are feeling is an absolute nightmare. Has anything happened when you were a child ? Parents separating ? Or not a stable home life ?

Unfortunately you will push him
Away . I learnt the hard way . I have been having therapy and I am on anxiety tablets and I feel like a different person . Please get help ❤️ do this for you not anyone else .I promise you. Won't be like this for ever x

Here are my thoughts: from his point of view, the honeymoon period is over. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it does mean he wants back a part of life where he can spend time with his mates. If he has to text you updates frequently then he's not really 'there' in the same way.

So from his point of view, there's friction. He\s being asked to give a 'real' apology when there's a part of him that finds your expectations unreasonable, as well as your interpretation of what his behaviour means.

For you, the 'honeymoon' period being over feels like you're unloved and abandoned. So it's easy to fall into craving reassurance, overthinking things and letting whole bunch of really crap feelings run away with you.

Therapy can be really help - it's a safe place to work through all this. A UKCP therapist, knowing your diagnosis, will be holding it in mind in the way they respond to you and think with you about what's going on. I'm sure therapists with many other professional bodies also have training in this area: it's definitely worth checking with them at the outset (not all will).

Are you able to seek some therapy now i.e. before diagnosis? And maybe move onto DBT once the diagnosis is through?

Thank you so much for the kind replies. I have tried therapy before but I just haven’t found the right therapists and now I’m in a really tricky financial position. I will try some books and podcasts maybe as a starting point. I do have quite a lot of childhood trauma so it makes sense why I’m in fight or flight mode constantly