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Original poster

He’s married, why is he asking me about my life?

66 replies

Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 08:17

Hello,

I worked with a guy and we were good friends. We went our separate ways but periodically kept in contact with him flirting etc. He got married and cut contact with me. He did tell friends mutual friends “i was the one who got away” and anyone who ends up with me is a lucky. He never told me himself. Anyway I’m married too now.

He’s now reached out 8 years later, he’s married and with child too.
However he’s asking me;
How long have you been married?
What does your husband do?
How old is your child?
What do you do? - (said he’s really happy for me that my career has took off)
really impressed with my outlook in life

Is this weird or normal? I’m not sure what he’s getting out of knowing this and find it abit strange and uncomfortable?

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 11/06/2023 21:38

It just seems odd that it's been eight years. Either you were good enough friends that you'd stay in more regular touch OR he belongs to an old era. Either way I think there is an edge here, he shouldn't be shotgunning you with questions and then not sharing about himself as that isn't really how a friendship works.

MillbankTower · 11/06/2023 21:38

Going to disagree
Could be perfectly innocent
I get similar contacts from ex colleagues both male and female (and ex partners)

Renewed friendships with some after many years (including 1 I nearly married)

Tilllly · 11/06/2023 21:41

What do you want from this contact?

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 11/06/2023 21:47

Steer clear or find yourself in a whole world of pain and trouble.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/06/2023 21:53

If he's told people you where the one that got away, I would have just ignored the messages, regardless of the friendship you had years ago.

Block & move on.

1kis · 11/06/2023 21:55

Sounds like he stirred something up in you and disappeared again. I bet he has a strong Pisces they tend to romanticise the past but runaway when things get serious.
You've probably been on his mind on and off, more so when he is going through a boring or tough time with his family life and work. He might've had a drink or was in a devil may care mood that time he messaged you and he wanted those information that's why he kept making sure you answer them by repeating them. I don't know why you were reluctant to share this info with a friend, I only ever know of people being cagey about talking about family and partners when they don't want to put off or deter a love interest. He got the info from you, it satisfied whatever it is so now he can go back to fantasising about the past and your life now with more accurate and up to date materials. Some people are nostalgic like that. If could be the first step in an affair or it could be a spontaneous or drunken contact. He pulled up because he sobered up or because he got scared by something. If his intentions were normal, he would reply normally not do this weird cut and run thing if his intentions were to genuinely just catch up as friends. If he cared for you as a friend he would have messaged you sooner

I think he was lonely and possibly under the influence. Some cheaters have affairs with exes or from the past as it's harder to establish trust and chemistry with a new affair partner. I always think if it were a destined true love story you would end up together without any scheming or deception involved, when you are both single and can make an honest go of it.

Original poster
Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:46

We had a really good friendship so I wouldn’t have mind reconnecting. I wouldn’t think anything of what he said in the past… as he’s married now and it was a long time ago!
He’s now watching my stories but not replying to my questions about his life or going into my message. What a strange person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:49

It makes me feel like a fool. I hate rude people…. And I’d feel the same as if it was a man or a woman!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:50

If I block him….wouldn’t he think I’ve been affected by his lack of response?

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/06/2023 23:08

Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:50

If I block him….wouldn’t he think I’ve been affected by his lack of response?

It's coming across like you're really bothered by his lack of response and him watching your stories. I'd block him. Who cares what he thinks?

TeaKitten · 11/06/2023 23:11

Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:50

If I block him….wouldn’t he think I’ve been affected by his lack of response?

Who cares? Youl have blocked him, you will never no. You’ve both dodged a bullet by him not responding. Focus on your DH and move on with your life.

MissTrip82 · 12/06/2023 02:32

He wasn’t a good mate. He said stuff about you that would be humiliating to his wife (and probably isn’t true) in the hope it would get back to you and boost your ego.

Now he’s back to try and boost it again.

Don’t fall for that. It’s a cheap trick.

Flyinggeesei234 · 12/06/2023 08:08

Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 22:50

If I block him….wouldn’t he think I’ve been affected by his lack of response?

So what? It shouldn’t matter.

MyNameisMathilda · 12/06/2023 08:44

Iammeltin · 11/06/2023 20:19

Well he’s gone cold turkey, hasn’t read my message today etc. Don’t know what he expected my answers to be…

This is part of his plan. Here I am! Now I'm not here. He's trying to pull you in. The oldest trick in the book. He thinks he has piqued your interest as you answered. Now he's making himself less available but believe me he is waiting desperately for your replies. He will be back and yes he's looking for some interest that will flatter him and eventually to a shag. He wants to know you still think of him. He's trying to put himself in your mind and look - it has worked.

SmileyClare · 12/06/2023 09:01

Perhaps ask your dh what he thinks?

“Husband- A bloke I used to work with who was always flirting with me and fancied me has started messaging me. I’m miffed he hasn’t replied back yet, what do you think?”

I mean, come on op! Wise up!

Original poster
Iammeltin · 12/06/2023 12:05

Well he’s replied now. He did reply to my questions and now is asking more about my husbands job.
Its probably just friendly chat.

“he used to fancy me etc”….we were both single for a year or two. If he really did, he would have done something about it. He only realised he fancied me after he got divorced? Nah I don’t buy it.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 12:23

Iammeltin · 12/06/2023 12:05

Well he’s replied now. He did reply to my questions and now is asking more about my husbands job.
Its probably just friendly chat.

“he used to fancy me etc”….we were both single for a year or two. If he really did, he would have done something about it. He only realised he fancied me after he got divorced? Nah I don’t buy it.

The fact you're still messaging him is crazy to me. This must be a wind up.

Newestname002 · 12/06/2023 12:28

Iammeltin · 12/06/2023 12:05

Well he’s replied now. He did reply to my questions and now is asking more about my husbands job.
Its probably just friendly chat.

“he used to fancy me etc”….we were both single for a year or two. If he really did, he would have done something about it. He only realised he fancied me after he got divorced? Nah I don’t buy it.

Please, back away and stop letting this man get into your head. Block and delete him from your numbers and socials and get on with your life with your husband, who may not be happy that you're giving this chancer any headspace. 🌹

Turfwars · 12/06/2023 14:04

Men don't look up women from their past out of the blue to be mates. They do it if they fancy a shag and think that you'd be up for it as well.

A good exercise to do in your head is ask, "if my husband was doing this, how would I feel about it?" and if the answer makes you feel shitty, stop doing it.

You are a nice person. This bloke knows this because you are messaging him. Being nice. It's all chatty until you get to the point where he'll suggest coffee -"to catch up in person" Before you know it you are having drinks - aka a date. And he'll try it on. And you'll be either all shocked or end up doing something that crosses the line.

He knows exactly what he's doing. Do you?

monsteramunch · 12/06/2023 14:30

Turfwars · 12/06/2023 14:04

Men don't look up women from their past out of the blue to be mates. They do it if they fancy a shag and think that you'd be up for it as well.

A good exercise to do in your head is ask, "if my husband was doing this, how would I feel about it?" and if the answer makes you feel shitty, stop doing it.

You are a nice person. This bloke knows this because you are messaging him. Being nice. It's all chatty until you get to the point where he'll suggest coffee -"to catch up in person" Before you know it you are having drinks - aka a date. And he'll try it on. And you'll be either all shocked or end up doing something that crosses the line.

He knows exactly what he's doing. Do you?

All of this.

And tell your husband this bloke messaged you asking lots of questions about your life and marriage. A bloke who described you to others as the one who got away.

If you feel awkward telling your husband that you replied and felt annoyed the guy didn't respond quickly, have a think about whether it's something that you really believe is completely innocent and nothing to worry about.

It's cliche AF mate. He had a thing for you then, thought of you now and so wanted to work out if you'd be up for indulging him either online or in person.

Bleurgh. Weird you're giving this so much headspace tbh.

Mari9999 · 12/06/2023 14:38

@Iammeltin
His questions seemed like the type of questions that you might ask a friend that you have not seen for several years.

I would not have thought them to be or mean more than an attempt to reconnect with a friend. Even former lovers can be friends.

bjrce · 12/06/2023 16:18

SmileyClare · 12/06/2023 09:01

Perhaps ask your dh what he thinks?

“Husband- A bloke I used to work with who was always flirting with me and fancied me has started messaging me. I’m miffed he hasn’t replied back yet, what do you think?”

I mean, come on op! Wise up!

Good point!

As a matter of interest have you told your DH about your special friend from years ago whom you never dated but was told he saw you as the one that got away!

He's sure to reply " Its probably just friendly chat."

You know exactly what he's up to! Your false naivety is quite insulting!

Original poster
Iammeltin · 12/06/2023 18:16

My husband does know actually. He finds it funny this bloke is more interested about him than he is me. Maybe it’s him he’s after?

but on a serious note, there’s two schools of thought here. 1. Nothing wrong with reconnecting with old exes/friends 2. He wants an affair (even though nothing happened when both single).

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 12/06/2023 18:41

Iammeltin · 12/06/2023 18:16

My husband does know actually. He finds it funny this bloke is more interested about him than he is me. Maybe it’s him he’s after?

but on a serious note, there’s two schools of thought here. 1. Nothing wrong with reconnecting with old exes/friends 2. He wants an affair (even though nothing happened when both single).

You say 'nothing happened' and while that's true in the sense you didn't progress it, something did happen.

A married colleague of yours told people you were the one that got away and made it clear he found you attractive.

Which is why you feel funny enough about him messaging that you started a thread on an anonymous forum to feel out whether it was dodgy or not.

If you felt completely fine with this you wouldn't have done that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hawkins0001 · 12/06/2023 18:44

If it were me, I'd wait for the ex to make the chat, but if I read questions like those then normally I'd presume it's just re building bridges and making conversation.

That said it could also be a fishing trip, to gauge the potential for an affair or relationship.