How to tell the kids mum and dad are splitting up

[Neena]

Does anyone have any advice about how best to tell a 5 year old and a 2 year old that mummy and daddy are splitting up. My husband and I are about to part company after 9 years of marriage. It was his decision and no one else is involved. I was devastated initially but I am now getting used to the idea. I have good days and bad days, it is really scary to think I will soon be living on my own and having to cope alone although I know loads of other woman out there are managing OK. My first concern is for the kids and how they will react. Do you think we should tell them that daddy does not love mummy anymore or should we make out that it is a mutual decision. What sort of reaction should we expect? Any advice gratefully received.

Neena

Just feel I should post something but don't really know what advice to give you. I think you should discuss together what would be best to tell them, and make sure that they know that you both love them, that is really important, even though your husband does not love you any more.
I really feel for you it must be very hard and it is only natural that you feel scared and low.

Hope that someone else will come on soon and be able to help, I am at a loss what to say.
Take care. Be strong

Neena, firstly my sympathies - this must be so hard for you.

My friend recently left her husband and they sat their two children down (aged 5 and 1) and explained that they both still loved them, but they didn't like each other very much anymore so they had decided not to live together. They elaborated for the 5 year old mentioning how he'd felt when he'd stopped liking a boy at playgroup and likening their feelings to his towards this boy. Apparently the 1 year old wasn't at all interested - too young I guess, and the 5 year old said "OK - can I go and play now ?" - and they haven't had any trouble with them.

So - I'd say - present united front, tell them you still love them but not each other, explain the arrangements and that's it.

Sounds easy - Good Luck !!

Scatterbrain and kkgirl thanks for the messages. I get so depressed thinking about how the kids lives are going to be messed up by all this. We have been in separate bedrooms for the past two months but I don't think the 5 year old understands what that means. She still thinks we are all one happy family - only yesterday she drew a lovely picture of "herself with mummy, daddy and little brother" saying she loved us all. It made me cry. I am also worried that h is leaving fairly close to Xmas. I did not want this but he has been taking his time moving out and I did not want to force the issue.

Neena

I'm sure that the children won't really understand particularly your 2 year old and your 5 year old is a bit young to understand too. The only thing I can say is that you must try to stay positive for the children and it sounds like you and your h are still able to stay on reasonably friendly terms so please try your best. I feel so much for your pain, I am having difficult times in my marriage. I love my dh but three kids and some hard times have made us distant to each other, and we have talked about splitting and it is so difficult, many times I have wanted to go, but don't want to hurt the children, but maybe it is better than them being in a tense atmosphere.
Try to take each day at a time and I'm sure you will cope, you sound a strong person.
Take care

Hi Neena, my parents split up when I was 4 and I remember being told. The big thing that sticks in my mind is my dad telling me that he would always be my dad. I'm glad he did as I remember thinking that the split meant that he wouldn't. He also told me that they would both always love me. So as far as I was concerned it was OK. All 3 of us kids (other 2 younger by 2 yrs and 4 years) from that marriage are OK I'd say, or if we're not, it's not as a result of that divorce.

I left my husband nearly 3 yrs ago when my ds was 2ish. We told him we didn't want to live together any more as we argued too much but that we like each other very much (true) and we both love him. Ex DH sees ds every other weekend and ds loves my new dp (lives with us). I do think be straight-ish with them, make sure they know they're loved and that it's nothing to do with them (i.e not their fault, should they suggest it) and it will be OK. Good luck.

I think what WWW says about reassurance is very important. I have no experience (thankfully) of having to deal with this, but I do have a 5yo ds to whom the family unit is obviously very important, just like your dd. If I was having to tell my ds that dh and I were separating I think I would have to be very sure that I had all the facts sorted out in my mind and that dh and I had agreed beforehand exactly how to handle it, and I know that the most important thing for ds would be to know that we both still loved him and that we had arranged when he was going to see his dad next etc.

Neena, the most important thing to ensure they understand is that you both love them very much (and that you always will) and that it is not their fault. That nothing they have done has made this happen, but sometimes grown-ups can't live together anymore. I wouldn't "blame" daddy by saying he doesn't love mummy anymore, just make it seem like a simple fact, and that even though you won't be married anymore, you will still always be their mummmy and daddy. I hope that the split is fairly amicable for all your sakes, ie no shouting matches or bitterness (as there was when my parents split up) so that you will both be on good terms (or at least civil!) when you see each other, and that the children will still get to see both parents. Sorry I am writing this is a blazing hurry, more later! Hope this made sense! Take care.

Hi Neena, sorry had to rush off to pick up dd from school (yes it's 3.30pm here not 7.30am!)
I just repeated a fair bit of what had already been said I realise now - didn't have time to read it all before posting!

I know you must be very upset and in shock, but try not to let the children see you "falling apart". They need to know that you are still in control and still making the decisions. Let them tell you how they feel - and don't tell them things are fine if they really don't feel like they are. Acknowledge their feelings as being real, and let them talk about it IF they want to.

This is one I have learned the hard way as a child of divorced parents - never EVER badmouth the other parent in front of your children. I even heard somewhere that when you criticise the parent of a child, you criticise that child's identity. They are part of their parents, and might get the idea that if their parent is "bad" that they are too, or will be when they grow up. Or that there is part of them you really don't like. It can be very hurtful.

Talk to your children together. You will always be a family, even if you do not live together. Let them know that and make sure they believe it. I know it is scary for you to contemplate your and your children's future, but it need not be a negative thing. Is your h moving far away or will he still be fairly closeby? What about your in-laws? Will the children still be able to see them eg at Xmas..? I'm sure you will work it all out and HTH. Let us know how things go with ds and dd.

P.S. Your dd CAN still draw that happy family - she still has a daddy after all!

Neena, a similar thing happened to a friend of mine when her kids were about the same age. She saw a counsellor about the best way to handle things. These are the bits of advice I can remember

1. Try not to 'blame' the other party. If you can treat it like its no big deal, the kids are likely to take their lead from you.
2. Don't just explain the 'real estate' thing - ie daddys living here and mummys living there etc. Explain some of the feelings as well (still friends but dont want to live together).
3. Try to do the 'normal' things together whenever possible - ie daddy still comes round for tea, maybe bathtime, rather than daddy coming round on a Saturday & taking them out for the day. Can't remember too much more, but I know it was VERY hard for her to do, but she did it for the sake of the kids, esp. no 2, as you can't say 'well I still love him but he wants to go'. She's also tried very hard not to let the kids see any of the arguments about finances etc. This all happened 2 years ago. I honestly don't think it has affected the youngest too much at all, as he can't remember any different. I know the oldest does, and she does get sad sometimes as she wishes they all still lived together, but she also seems to realise its not going to happen. The main thing is that she has never seemed to question that it is an issue between her mom & dad and NOT anything to do with her (she know they both still love her very much). As for my friend, well, she still finds it hard at times, she didn't plan on being a single parent (who does) but she has become a much stronger person because of this, and she has a home still filled with love. Don't know whether this will help at all, but am thinking of you. Always remember that whatever your ex-dhs faults he has given you those 2 children & who could do better than that?

Neena, I know you are going through a very frightening and unsettling time at the moment. All I can say is it will get better. My husband and I officially separated in August, and for a while was distracted with getting ds, the cat and me settled into a new house, new routine etc. My initial reaction was relief that all the years of being with someone who tried to control every aspect of me, whilst at the same time needing constant reassurance (I still maintain he is Eeyore personified), made every day very trying indeed. I can breathe again. My ds and I finally have a happy home again. My ex and I work hard at keeping things as pleasant and civil as possible for the sake of our ds, as it is the marriage that is over, and not the realtionship between them that is over. Don't get me wrong, I am very angry with him, I feel betrayed, and still need to work through those feelings, but when I look at the bigger picture, I realise my ds and I are better off, and we are a lot happier and relaxed. I read somewhere ... "And life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be." (Grandma Moses). My standard of living has, shall we say changed, but it's not unbearable, and somehow feels richer ... You will find over time that you will start to have more and more good days. When it comes to telling the kids, there has been a lot of good advice already suggested. Mainly being honest and matter of fact with the children, without dramatising what has happened. Emphasising that you both love them very much, and daddy will always be there, playing games and still doing all the fun things they have always done. Would it be possible for your ex to still come round and do some of the exact same things they would do together in the days immediately after he has moved out? Good luck over the next few months. At least you also have your friends and family with you at this time.

Neena

Just want to echo what everyone else has said really. Reassure the children that they are loved by both of you, but that you just can't live in the same house anymore.

My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 5, and although I can't remember exactly what we were told, I know it was said in such a way as to not seem such a big deal. In fact we were relieved as there had been a lot of arguements and my Dad hadn't really been there much anyway. My Mum told us on her own, which in hindsight was cowardly of my Dad, and I think you should tell them together if you can. We were told in the morning after he left and we went off to school quite happily. I can remember coming home upset and my Mum trying to reassure me, but it was because my friends hamster had died, rather than my Dad had left!

At the time we were the only kids in the school whose parents had split up which made us a novelty really. Do your children have friends whose parents have split up that they can relate to?

I have recently been in the same situation as you, and you have my heartfelt sympathies.

I am sure, like me, you always thought that when you got married and had the children you would be together for life - I certainly did. It took me a while to get used to the idea that I was now going to be a single mother to 3 children and I found it hard to accept the fact that my children now came from a "broken home".

When me and husband first separated, he moved into the loft (spare bedroom) and my DD1 (9) asked questions - unfairly, we told her that it was because the new baby was waking daddy up and daddy needed to sleep as he has work in the morning (I was on maternity leave).

Husband moved out beginning of September, after leading separate lives (but still living in the same house) since February when he told me for the second time we were "over" (or New Years Eve - when he told me for the first time we were "over".

My biggest concern through all of this is making sure my dear wonderful children (10, 5, new baby (then!) (now just turned 1) grow up to feel loved, secure and stable. Although mummy and daddy are no longer together, we still both love them all to bits - we just can't be together any more.

They see their dad Wednesday night and overnight on either Friday or Saturday until mid-afternoon the next day. For the last 4 weeks, they have been sleeping at his girlfriend's house and they are absolutely fine about it.

DD1 is obviously aware of what is going on (she is 10 next week) but I am trying my hardest to be as truthful as I can with her. Last night she said she felt sorry for her baby sister as she would not know what it is like to grow up in a family where the parents are not divorced. (We are not divorced yet, but are definitely separated, although not legally).

My DS1 (5) is just so accepting of the situation. I think it helps that, these days, it is not that rare for children to be brought up by one (birth) parent and it certainly helps my son that his best(est) friend only lives with his mum.

As long as my children see their dad regularly and they know that we both love them, then they will be fine - as I am sure yours will.

It is a horrible thing to be going through (sometimes I feel I have got through it, other times I most certainly feel I am still struggling). The hardest times are anniversaries, birthdays, etc. and especially now Christmas is looming. For me, it won't be much different to past years - staying round mum's Christmas Eve, spending day there but the big difference will be that my H will not be there. When I imagine Christmas, in a fantasy world, I imagine nice open log fire, family sitting round tree, christmas tree lights on, nice family atmosphere basically. This year, we will have the real christmas tree, decorations, etc. but it won't be the happy family celebration I want for my children but we will still have a nice time.

Thanks you all so much for your kind and supportive messages. In particular, Maki and Bumblion, it was very reassuring to read messages from other mums who have recently gone through this. Like you Bumblelion I though my marriage would go on for ever. Although I can't deny that there have been a lot of problems in the relationship over the past few years in particular. Sex life had ground to a near standstill and dh has not been at all supportive in practical terms for a long while. He suffers from depression, is a work alcholic and very selfish. Anyway enough about his good points .... Seriously however, he is good with the kids when he makes the effort and we have always had a good laugh together. I actually though that things were getting better over the summer holidays. As it turned out dh had already decided that the marriage was over in June but decided to say nothing until the hols were over. He seems to think that we will be able to go on doing things like day trips and the odd holiday as a family. I can't bear to spend time with him together with the kids now as it reminds me of all the things we are about to lose. It is typical of him that he expects me to be happy to carry on organising the odd outing with him etc. It doesn't work like that - we are splitting up and will no longer be a family unit. I am however doing my best to keep on good terms and we are just about managing that so far. I think it will be easier from that point of view once he is out of the house. Dd has a good friend whose mother went through a divorce a couple of years bck. She is now with another guy and dd's friend sees her daddy most weekends. Hopefully she will be a good example for my dd. Bumblelion - your contact arrangements sound very similar to what ours will be. Are they working out O.K? Have you managed to resurrect your social life? At the moment the last thing I feel like is socialising although friends and family have been supportive. Dh has very little family - parents both dead but a couple of older sisters he sees occasionally. We will tell the kids this Saturday, having said that dh is going out Friday night so knowing him he won't get out of bed until miday ...

Neena, I was also like you in a way. I had an affair 3 years ago, told my husband everything and thought we were making a go of things. Even having a new baby. Although we went through difficult times with him trying to forgive me, I always thought we would end up together and grow old together. It is such a feeling of failure that this has not happened. H did not move out until the beginning of September. Between February and September, he was doing his own thing - going out Saturday night and staying out all night - the first time he did this being the anniversary of the day we met. I spent the day in tears. When he was still living there, I just couldn't bear it. Trying to put on a front for the children, when all I wanted to do was shout and scream and cry. It didn't help with him trying to be "considerate" by saying things like "I am not surprised you are feeling like this, after all you are dealing with rejection". Nice thing to be told when you are feeling so down about yourself.

Now he has finally moved out, it is so much better. I am trying to get on with my life - making mistakes along the way (see thread "I deserve better than this" but it is all part of the learning process.

My children are absolutely fine now they see their dad on a totally regular basis. He used to take the elder two out on a Wednesday night (the youngest one needing to be in her cot by 7:15) but for the last two weeks (and from now on) he is having them at my house. I go out (even to bingo on my own if I have no friends to pop out with or to pop round for a coffee with) and normally get home about 9:30 at the latest. He does the normal "nightly" routine, bath, homework, bed, etc. On the weekend night when he has them, he has, for the last four weeks or so, been taking them to his girlfriend's house although, before this, he was taking them to where he is staying (renting a room of a friend of a friend). They are fine spending time with their dad, wherever it is. The elder one found it especially good that she saw where her dad was living. Instead of just imagining where he was living, to be actually able to see it for herself and also to see for herself that her dad was okay in this house, was really good for her.

This is a difficult time for you and you will get through it (I am still getting through it but life does go on).

Thinking of you.

Dear Neena

I do not have much constructive advice, but just wanted to post my sympathy. I am going through a difficult patch in my own marriage and your post made me cry. I hope you come out of this well and wish you lots of strength and happiness soon.

Hi Neena,
How are you bearing up today? Remember sometimes the anticipation is far worse than the reality. You will feel better once you have spoken with the children. You will be able to answer their questions, and reassure them as and when they need it. Then once they are settled in bed, have a lovely long soak in the bath, with some music to relax and hopefully get rid of the tension headache that will have appeared from nowhere!

I had to share a wry grin when I read what you wrote about 'day trips and odd holiday as a family'. I wonder sometimes whether men have a peculiar way of looking at the end of a relationship. It's almost as though they want to end their responsibility and commitment to their part in the relationship, whilst at the same time needing to retain a connection with their former partner. Is this an 'apron strings' thing I wonder?? In my case my ex toyed with the idea of re-locating to another country within the UK, and wondered whether I would consider moving there.(still living as a legally separated couple of course). Is is me??? I must be missing something here! Strange! I think he thinks that because we maintian a pleasant and civil relationship, that I actually LIKE him.

Thanks for your message, Maki. I am feeling pretty down today. "D-day" is drawing nearer and it still feels unreal. I can't help feeling angry and bitter about how things have worked out. Dh seems so laid back about everything. He is going to rent some nice flat near work and start his great new life. He just seems to expect me to passively accept this. It really made me laugh when you said your dh wondered if you would relocate. Just who do these guys think they are? I am also quite worried about money. Dh has a good job but if he is going to be shelling out for some expensive apartment then how much will he have left to pay us? I am working but once I have paid for childcare I don't have enough to pay for everything. I am afraid we will have to fall out about money in future. Still that is for the future and I know I must concentrate on getting through the next few days and weeks. Dh is just so selfish and unrealistic about things. I must have been mad to have married him in the first place if he is the sort of guy to act in this way. Anyway please excuse this rant. It is very therapeutic and I love hearing from other mumsnetters at this time. Clucks - thanks for the message - I really hope you manage to work things out, I would not wish what is happening to me to happen to anyone.

Neena, you need to get the money sorted out. Of course you shouldn't by paying for everything! They are his kids too, and he will have to pay for them. I would see a solicitor to find out what he thinks you would get, then try to get an agreement that matches that or at least matches what you think you need from your ex. You will probably have to make it legal to ensure he keeps paying. I am no fan of evil greedy witches (oops, that's dh's ex!) but I do think you sound far too nice for your own good and should definintely not be shouldering this burden alone.

Neena - of course you can't pay it alone. And providing for his children should be more of a priority for your husband than a fancy apartment. Anyway if its near work he should cut down on travelling expenses and his saving should be heading your way. Follow Aloha's advice.

Neena, why are the childcare expenses out of your salary alone?!!! Have assumed this myself in the past, but think about it. Much sympathy.

Don't know if this helps, or indeed how reliable the info is - but my colleague who recently left her dh, has two children (5 and 1) - and when she saw her solicitor she was told that she was entitled to a 4 bedroom house and 2/3rds of his monthly income as maintenance.

You must get some professional advice Neena - I think it should be more a case of what your dh can afford to live in after he has paid for your children and you, rather than him deciding to live in a posh flat !!

You have lots of rights - but it sounds as though sadly you will have to fight for them ! Could someone else (your parents or a friend) speak to dh for you to try and reach an agreement ?

Neena,
I know what you mean about the anger and bitterness! Been there, done that, working through it! Go with it - it is part of the grieving process. Try not to let it get to you too much though, as you still need to think 'nice' thoughts for the sake of the children maintaining a positive relationship with their father.
As regards the finances, this is what we did - because there is no justification for divorce right now, we went for legal separation. This also means that you are finacially independent of each other. I have to admit I was dreading it, and quite worried about it until I looked into what was available to me. We negotiated an agreed maintenance sum, to be reviewed annually (in my case I insisted on that, as his salary bracket was much more likely to increase than mine) I also made sure this was for as long as ds was dependent (to include going to university if appropriate). I would also look into what you are entitled to with Working Family Tax Credits (I have found this has helped quite a bit towards Childcare) I think their GB Helpline number is 0845 300 3900, and NI Helpline No. is 0845 603 2000. They are open from 08:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. I am sure you will be entitled to some assistance over and above your earnings. I am presuming that you are working. Either way, speak to your solicitor - make it clear that you want to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of the children, whilst at the same time maintaining what is in the best interest of the children. Please forgive me if that comes across as patronising, it is not meant to be.

I am absolutely convinced men do not appear to think further than the here and now. Here's another giggle for you - I was discussing Chrstmas with my ex this morning, as ds and I have been invited to spend time with close friends in England. He sounded quite surprised, and commented that he assumed he would be coming to us for Christmas Lunch! I am still trying to work out why I would want to cook for him! Naturally I am keen for ds to see his father, but I'm not going to pretend to play happy families, because the ex does not fancy a tin of turkey soup!! (Oooohhhh don't get me started on that thread).

I will be thinking about you Neena, as I know you are feeling sick to the stomach right now. Good luck and lots of hugs!

Bumblelion, I have not meant to be remiss ...how are you bearing up? Do you still feel angry at the way things have turned out? How long has it been for you? - since the separation I mean?

Here's a little thought for us... (sorry - I love this kinda thing - indulge me please!!)

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we shall not see" - John W. Whitehead ~ The Stealing of America

Well we told the kids this morning. Ds (2.5) did not really understand. However Dd (5.5) was in tears and devastated. She said pathetic things like couldn't daddy live next door or continue living in the loft room. Also asked why we could not just have a cuddle and make up and why I married dh in the first place. The whole thing upset me so much and it was hard not to blurt out that it was daddy's decision to go. However I managed to avoid saying anything nasty in the prescence of the kids. I just said to Dh afterwards that I hoped he thought it was worth it, putting the kids throught such sadness. Dd also said that she hated thinking about sad things and wished she was like her little brother who did not understand. She seems O.K now but I know she is just blocking it out - who can blame her. Dh has now gone out to a football match - typical of him.

Maki, I loved the proverb. So true - the kids are the most important thing in the world and I would do anything to protect them. I must be strong for them - although tears are running down my face as I type this. I will get through this ... somehow

Neena, I'm so sorry it was awful. Kids are resilient though, they will be ok though I know it doesn't feel like it now. Much sympathy.

Neena - can't think of anything constructive to add, just so sad at the thought of you & your children & what you are going through; you are being very, very brave. Hope you have lots of supportive friends and family.
I know when I went through a (temporary in the end) separation, Saturday nights alone were one of the hardest things. Best wishes.