How do other single mums manage to date?

[MaxwellCat]

Is it just a case that they are bringing men around their children quickly? Or have loads of family who babysit? I don't know anyone that pays for a babysitter but I know I will be told that's what people do but I imagine most single mums don't have the money to pay for babysitters for years till they introduce someone to their children? 🤔 I've been single for 6 years and I feel like the only one who is expected to be sworn to celibacy until my children have grown up and moved out! I even have a single parent friend whose got a 3 month old (not with the father) and is already dating someone else. I am "concentrating" on my children but I feel lonely and miss intimacy and I don't think many people would be happy going 6 years without any kind of intimacy unless they are asexual! Yet if I say that I'm "not prioritising my children" wanting a relationship is seen as a weakness and like you are not content with life but surely its human nature to want a partner? How do other single mums manage to date as I feel like the only one not able to, does everyone have childcare on tap or is it a case of introducing sooner than you would have liked? Or stay celibate till they grow up? My ex left when I was pregnant so my youngest is 6 so a long way to go.

Have you asked your single mum friend how she does it?

The single mums I know share childcare, to some degree, with the children's dad, so they date then.

My son is 6, I have been single since he was 12 weeks old. No family near by, ExH is not around and no friends / babysitters that are willing to help out as he has SEN and is too much for them to handle.

I cant see myself dating for the next few years as they would literally have to meet my son on the first date, and Im not willing to let this happen.

I definitely miss having a partner, but can not see how I can meet someone and get to know them there before deciding if its going to go somewhere and then introduce them to my son.

I don't. My daughter is 4, nearly 5, and I've been single since her father left me pregnant.
I don't have any childcare other than nursery for 3 days a week, and I'm at work then.
I can't do nights out because there's nobody to look after her.
It's going to have to wait until she's older. Although to be honest, whilst sex is nice, I really don't miss having a man around the house, I like everything my way and I don't want to share!

When kids are with dad, if that's not an option, then live in aupair. It's not easy.

I didn’t until my children were old enough to be left alone in the evenings, so teens. I was single 12yrs. No chance I’d be introducing a man quickly and I didn’t have the spare money to pay for babysitters so I just focussed on being single. Unless you’ve got family / regular babysitters it’s not practical.

I don't date. No nights free, no spare cash to pay babysitter. Single 10 years now.

I used to date on weekends my daughter was with her dad. I never dated in the week. I'm in a relationship now. He didn't meet my daughter for about 6 or 7 months. I think it would be impossible if you don't have shared care or someone that can help with childcare

DD's dad has her 3 days a week so I reconnected with my high school boyfriend and we started dating as I had the time to go out and visit him. He lives with us now. I did have a few short term relationships when she was a baby but they were never introduced, I just went to them on my free days. I assume it's a lot harder if you don't have that custody share or any family to babysit, though.

Do you work, OP?
I’m dating a single parent with kids around the age of yours. It’s different now because we’re established but initially, we went on dates in the morning when little ones were in school/ nursery. We both worked but were able to have those hours off sometimes.
Outside of that we worked together so were able to get to know one another/ have more time together through work as well, such as lunch/breakfast.

I’m not saying have a scan through work colleagues/ school dads/ existing friends, but more likely it’ll work with someone who’s already in your life, so you get to know them without necessarily organising dates right away.

Do you have any family/ friends that can babysit? I don’t think it’s very common but I’d babysit for my couple of close friends for sure, even if they just want to have a few hours to themselves with their partner.

Do you have any parent friends that you could share childcare with? It works best if you partner up with parents who go out as frequently as you do, so it's shared fairly.

I know you say you don't want to pay a babysitter but you might find that local youngsters are happy to do it for a low rate.

I have a local babysitter and i do leave kids now as teens

dates tend to be drinks coffee or walk (cheap !)

its hard ! And I do tend to have FWB more than relationships per se

kids never met anyone ! I go to their house

I don't date. There isn't anyone I could ask to babysit. I refuse to use teenagers. Been single 11 years now. DD is just about old enough to leave home alone while I go out but now there isn't anyone to date!

I stuck my toe in the muddy waters of OLD when she was younger and set up dates for when she was with her Dad. But his contact with her was so sporadic I pulled my toe back out again pretty sharpish when I realised that my precious free time was being wasted on awful men.

I think the only way I'll meet someone is in 'real life' when DD eventually moves out!

I don't. My exH left when I was pregnant. DS is now 10. I did some online dating when he was much younger, but it's hard work. Any time I'm not working I'm with DS.
I've got this far that it won't be long until I will be able to leave DS if I want to meet up for a coffee etc. Problem is I've been single for so long I'm not sure I can be arsed!

I don't.

Their dad doesnt see them so between work and the kids ive no free time at all. I could get a babysitter for the odd night out but couldn't afford a regular babysitter. Plus I think to build a relationship I'd have to see any perspective partner for more than a couple of hours once a week.

I think I have to wait until my youngest is a teenager which is 10 yrs away 😣

My mum was babysitting the night I met DP.

She didn't babysit often so I'd go months without a night off.

After meeting we'd use a/l days, lunchtimes etc to meet.

They met after a few weeks as we'd do stuff like me and DC going to his for dinner then going home.

We didn't move in together for 3 years but by that time we were pretty integrated in routines/shared care of existing dc.

My mum will always babysit. My both people I dated on real life (one at work, one at a wedding) now engaged.

Thanks all. I'm not asexual so i think its normal to miss sex and intimacy I'm also "young" where sex is important to me, I've been single since late 20s so now early 30s and yes going 6 years without any intimacy not just sex but I mean all types of intimacy is difficult. I don't have family that will have them they won't help unfortunately and I don't have the money to pay babysitters regularly. When I post saying I'm lonely and miss having a partner I've been told that I'm obviously unhappy in my own life if I feel lonely and want a partner! I'm told to concentrate on my kids, career, hobbies friends.... is wanting a relationship not normal? I would say most humans crave intimacy beyond a friendship level but I get shot down as not being happy in my own life. Why is that? Why is there shame in saying you want a partner. I'm sure some people will be happy going 1/2 years single but after 6 years yes I miss having someone. There is currently a thread on aibu where a woman is asking if she can stay in a sexless marriage yet everyone is telling her how unfair it is on her husband and how they could never be in a sexless relationship how important it is but I'm expected to be happy with being celibate till my kids have grown up and moved out! Unfortunately there are no men in my life and I would never date a school dad etc so no options of getting together with someone I know!

😵‍💫

How tight are your finances? Would you have £30 twice a month for a local teenager to come in over the summer to play with your DD and put her to bed? I think if you don’t have family you do need to create your own support network over time. At the moment, how do you get to the hairdressers or doctor’s appointments, or find time to exercise? Find your ‘me’ time first, and a babysitting setup you and your DD are comfortable with, before you start looking to date.

Other than family helping or when DC have gone to their father, some I know have done things like sneaking him in once DC are in bed and having date night at home. Reverse of teen sneaking around haha. One was caught once, and her DC asked who the man is.
Ask other friends teens to babysit for smallish fee and a takeaway or easy oven food like a nice pizza.
Mutual agreements with other parents to have each others children.

I met my exes through work

Unfortunately if I need to do something its during school hours I literally get no other time off at all so I don't do things for myself. I don't know any teens and I'm not sure I would be comfortable leaving them with a random teen I don't know? Tbh I don't see the difference between leaving them with a random teen from the Internet as introducing them to someone im dating? Dont have friends that need babysitting swaps kids dads are all involved so they get their time off.

I suspect most mums in my situation just introduce early on than staying celibate till there kids turn 18

I met my ‘Local teen’ via Facebook

interviewed her with her mum
got character reference
shes great and working for me is easier than a shift at McDonald’s !

then have fast local dates with a walk or a coffee

many decent character teens exist with babysitting experience
just have to filter them 🤷‍♀️

I never have. I've been single for 14yrs.
I work PT and have no childcare. Tbh dating would just take up time I could be doing something more important.