Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to live with emotionless husband who seems to have no personality left

43 replies

Lonelybutnotalone38 · 09/06/2023 17:50

Husband and I have been together 20 years. For many reasons our marriage has come to the end. We both know it, we have both admitted it, but we haven't actually split up yet , its still dragging on miserable day after miserable day due to financial reasons and neither wants to move out or be the one to push the separation forward.
I have plans to do so but I'm trying to get all of my eggs in one basket first so I'm in a good place financially , mentally etc to take the lleap. But I am really struggling living together day to day and I think he is aswell.
Anyway, we are very different people. I am very open with my emotions, I like to talk things through, I like to chat and laugh , be silly with the kids etc.
Husband has always been very introverted which I accepted and that's fine, he used to be a lovely man, kind, loving, involved in the family. Then over many many years he started to decline and change and he became depressed. Since thenhe has become very withdrawn, quiet, emotionless over the years. He is a shell of his former self and isn't the man I married . He knows this. Unfortunately I don't think this he is ever going to change now, this is just how he is.
It's so hard to live with someone who hardly speaks, who you can't really have a conversation with. We are together 24/7 as both work from home and I'm feeling so anxious and upset in my own home all the time because I find him so difficult to be around. Honestly there is more life in a rock.
He is well known to all of his colleagues , family and friends that he is this way as that's how he presents to everyone and I've just had enough. I've cried 3 times today alone just because I've tried to chat with him about light hearted stuff and I just get nothing back. One word answers.
Knowing in my mind that at some point I won't have to live with him anymore helps me to keep moving forward towards that goal, but how do I manage day to day?
People have told me to get my own life out of the home which I am trying to do, but as soon as I'm heading home this sense of doom comes over me and I feel like there is an almost sad atmosphere on the house. I feel like I don't want to be inside the home , but obviously here alot due to work

OP posts:
Plasticplantpot · 09/06/2023 17:51

That sounds very stressful. Sympathies OP.

Tonto37 · 09/06/2023 20:27

Lonelybutnotalone38 · 09/06/2023 17:50

Husband and I have been together 20 years. For many reasons our marriage has come to the end. We both know it, we have both admitted it, but we haven't actually split up yet , its still dragging on miserable day after miserable day due to financial reasons and neither wants to move out or be the one to push the separation forward.
I have plans to do so but I'm trying to get all of my eggs in one basket first so I'm in a good place financially , mentally etc to take the lleap. But I am really struggling living together day to day and I think he is aswell.
Anyway, we are very different people. I am very open with my emotions, I like to talk things through, I like to chat and laugh , be silly with the kids etc.
Husband has always been very introverted which I accepted and that's fine, he used to be a lovely man, kind, loving, involved in the family. Then over many many years he started to decline and change and he became depressed. Since thenhe has become very withdrawn, quiet, emotionless over the years. He is a shell of his former self and isn't the man I married . He knows this. Unfortunately I don't think this he is ever going to change now, this is just how he is.
It's so hard to live with someone who hardly speaks, who you can't really have a conversation with. We are together 24/7 as both work from home and I'm feeling so anxious and upset in my own home all the time because I find him so difficult to be around. Honestly there is more life in a rock.
He is well known to all of his colleagues , family and friends that he is this way as that's how he presents to everyone and I've just had enough. I've cried 3 times today alone just because I've tried to chat with him about light hearted stuff and I just get nothing back. One word answers.
Knowing in my mind that at some point I won't have to live with him anymore helps me to keep moving forward towards that goal, but how do I manage day to day?
People have told me to get my own life out of the home which I am trying to do, but as soon as I'm heading home this sense of doom comes over me and I feel like there is an almost sad atmosphere on the house. I feel like I don't want to be inside the home , but obviously here alot due to work

I am in exactly the same boat as you. See my thread just started on the same subject. I have a lot of sympathy. I go to the gym, go out to the supermarket if we need something, go anywhere just to get out of the house. It's awful. I hope things work out for you!

LiftyLift · 09/06/2023 20:32

Gosh, I fear my DH is becoming the same way too. It’s very stressful and I am completely bored. He gets defensive and will occasionally be a bit better, but we are growing apart more by the day. You have my sympathies

Do you have kids?

isthistheendtakeabreath · 09/06/2023 20:34

I'm a year on the other side of this now OP - (my soon to be ex husband was also very emotionless - detached - had personality only when it suited him. Which was rare. Looking back it Dragged us all down. I'm 39 but I didn't see it like you did as we have 3 very young children I was very busy with)

Anyway we've been separated coming up for a year. And whilst it's often lonely - and I largely parent alone he doesn't see them much. At least I can relax in my own home. Blast silly Disney songs on Alexa and dance around the kitchen, take the kids out somewhere fun just because and not have to feel cheated that the man I loved and married had turned into someone I didn't recognise x

VanCleefArpels · 09/06/2023 20:35

You have the power to stop this happening. It’s never going to be the right moment so just pull the plug now. You deserve better

Vretz · 09/06/2023 20:44

Has he been to the doctor?
Men go through a reduction in testosterone, and depending on his age, it can mean they become a bit like this.

I'm speaking as a man, who had low testosterone levels due to depression, life, stress etc. Once I changed my lifestyle to boost the hormone again, my "personality" recovered.

I know it sounds basic, but might be worth him getting them checked!

reluctantadmissions · 09/06/2023 20:46

I think if you have both accepted the marriage is over and you're just working towards separation could you look at separating your lives in the home a bit more? If you already know he won't respond to your attempts to chat or make small talk then perhaps you could look for different outlets as you will do when you live alone. I suspect if you take the pressure off both of you then it might ease the atmosphere.

Look for other social interactions, stop trying to get him engaged and stick to normal and/or required conversation only. Like 'have you taken the bin out' or 'do you have plans for x day' etc.

Do you share a room still? Can you both have your own space? If you both accept the marriage is over, perhaps you can have an amicable split whilst you both get your finances sorted. You don't mention any abuse or violence etc so I am assuming it's just the apathy which once you've removed the need to connect like that, may ease the situation for both of you.

I suspect if you stopped trying and began loving as though you're already single that the atmosphere may lighten up as he realises he isn't still failing every test. He may continue being miserable and detached but you don't need to keep putting yourself through the stress of trying.

Original poster
Lonelybutnotalone38 · 10/06/2023 09:50

Yes we have two kids that are approaching their teenager years.
We already sleep in separate bedrooms and have pur own spaces, have done for years. No intimacy for years.
I just want to make it as pleasant as possible for us all whilst we are all still living together . I wish it didn't effect me so much but it makes me very emotional to see him this way.
I don't believe he wants to be this way either but he must understand that ots not fair on everyone around him and he has been given the chance to try and be a bit more upbeat etc even if it's faked but he just can't do it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2023 10:01

I would find it within yourself to make a complete break rather than remain locked in this misery for goodness knows how much longer. Never be afraid to take responsibility for your own life and happiness.

If you’re both miserable the kids are as well and in addition you’re both teaching them that a loveless marriage is their norm too. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Divorce is not failure, the two of you
living as you now are is.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2023 10:04

Get your poor kids out of that miserable environment. Do whatever takes, as quickly as possible. This is a horrible, horrible example for them.

Setting · 10/06/2023 10:06

Why wait? You’ve both decided the marriage is over and you are just torturing the family now staying together, for what? Your kids will know this and pick up on it and will be happier when you split.

Harryyourenogoodalone · 10/06/2023 10:09

My DH is like this. He's been diagnosed with mild depression although that's improved with cbt and we have started counseling. He was shocked when I said I couldn't go on with this level of moodiness and misery and not even a basic level of conversation during a session.
It's been much better since then. We're not out of the woods yet but it very much feels like the funny conversational man I married is resurfacing (at least at times). I'm also learning to back off and handle it better.

MyNameisMathilda · 10/06/2023 10:17

Lonelybutnotalone38 · 10/06/2023 09:50

Yes we have two kids that are approaching their teenager years.
We already sleep in separate bedrooms and have pur own spaces, have done for years. No intimacy for years.
I just want to make it as pleasant as possible for us all whilst we are all still living together . I wish it didn't effect me so much but it makes me very emotional to see him this way.
I don't believe he wants to be this way either but he must understand that ots not fair on everyone around him and he has been given the chance to try and be a bit more upbeat etc even if it's faked but he just can't do it

You need to separate. You can't go on like this - it's not fair to anyone.

Soonenough · 10/06/2023 10:22

Soul destroying isn't it?. At least the end is in sight. I had this too for years. It is like trying to humour a sulky child. When kids were young , I tried to compensate for their sakes so much. Obviously it wasn't always like that or I wouldn't have married him. Just lack of effort on his part. He ended up cheating online but even there I saw he was a bit crap at it and got dumped.
Hope you can resolve things soon and you can move on .

Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:48

Candi Staton - young hearts Run free

Listen to this song

Dillydallydonut · 10/06/2023 11:06

It might be worth considering couples counselling. Not with the aim of reconciling, but to help you both communicate whilst you live together & work towards separation / divorce.
We're doing this and it's forcing us to focus on the children, be civil & stop the silence. The counsellor is reminding us of the importance of communication. It's bloody hard when we've hardly spoken in years, but it will help in the long term & hopefully will make the separation less painful. She's made us both realise we have to both make the effort.

Dery · 10/06/2023 14:15

This sounds really tough, OP, but why are you expecting him to change his behaviour now when you’ve already decided the marriage is over? I kind of get why he doesn’t want to chat. I would find it confusing if my husband ended our marriage because of who I was and then expected me to do social chit-chat with him. You can still talk about the practical stuff but you’re not friends right now (you may be in the future) so he probably can’t be arsed to act like you are. I feel like there’s a lack of imagination about how he may be feeling about this. You’ve decided to stay while you get everything in order - makes sense but it’s not really his job to try and make you happy in the house with him when you’ve chosen to leave because you don’t like the person he’s become. As PPs have said - just do your own thing. Give him space. Keep contact to an absolute minimum. Just regard this as confirmation for why you have to leave.

Welliehead · 10/06/2023 14:21

Dery · 10/06/2023 14:15

This sounds really tough, OP, but why are you expecting him to change his behaviour now when you’ve already decided the marriage is over? I kind of get why he doesn’t want to chat. I would find it confusing if my husband ended our marriage because of who I was and then expected me to do social chit-chat with him. You can still talk about the practical stuff but you’re not friends right now (you may be in the future) so he probably can’t be arsed to act like you are. I feel like there’s a lack of imagination about how he may be feeling about this. You’ve decided to stay while you get everything in order - makes sense but it’s not really his job to try and make you happy in the house with him when you’ve chosen to leave because you don’t like the person he’s become. As PPs have said - just do your own thing. Give him space. Keep contact to an absolute minimum. Just regard this as confirmation for why you have to leave.

This!

I'm really confused as you say you both say the marriage is over but you are expecting him to be entertaining?

Catlover100 · 10/06/2023 21:01

My exH was like this and it was because he was very unhappy in our marriage. He also cheated for the same reasons. It's been hard to accept but now we are apart and he is with another woman he is so much happier and is a much nicer person all round.
I find it hard because I obviously feel like it was me making him so miserable, cut off and depressed, but it was the whole situation and the fact that he married too young (I am slightly older). His new partner is younger, has no kids and lives a more carefree life which is what he clearly hankered after.
We co parent quite well now a bit of time has passed and actually get on a lot better as people. I have had to work hard to achieve this (and continue to do so) but I try to maintain a dignified, friendly relationship with him for the kids' sake.
Once you and your DP manage to live apart you might find he stops being such a difficult person.
You both deserve better than living in constant misery together. Good luck xx

Always4Brenner · 10/06/2023 21:05

Been out seven months and love it yes I felt for him when I left but I’d been dragged down so much the thought of another Christmas/winter with him was just horrific. Leave as soon as you can.

Original poster
Lonelybutnotalone38 · 11/06/2023 09:48

Sorry bit of misunderstanding. He doesn't know we are separating. We'd both talked over a year ago about all the problems and admitted everything was bad etc but we didn't actually say let's split up. It just carried on the way it always has been.
I tried to give it one more try but nothing changed, intact its worse so its me that's decided to go ahead with the separation bit haven't told him yet

OP posts:
Welliehead · 11/06/2023 09:58

Lonelybutnotalone38 · 11/06/2023 09:48

Sorry bit of misunderstanding. He doesn't know we are separating. We'd both talked over a year ago about all the problems and admitted everything was bad etc but we didn't actually say let's split up. It just carried on the way it always has been.
I tried to give it one more try but nothing changed, intact its worse so its me that's decided to go ahead with the separation bit haven't told him yet

Do you think he suspects this.

Also if you've decided to separate why on earth are you putting pressure on him to change?

rockpoolingtogether · 11/06/2023 10:38

Thought this was just me. It's sad. But I'm building myself up and acceptance that was who his is and not letting him define me has helped. The worse thing for you is working from home alongside him. Get out and join groups as much as you can

Catlover100 · 11/06/2023 12:14

Why aren't you separating?
What you describe sounds miserable for both of you, you say you want to end it and your marriage is over. What is stopping you from having the final conversation and actually ending it?

Eleganz · 11/06/2023 14:17

Has he seen anyone about his mental health?

The way you describe him, he sounds quite depressed and if he is, expecting him to effectively "snap out of it" or "be up beat" is massively unhelpful.

Not saying he shouldn't have sought support for this himself, but if all you and his family and friends have been doing is complaining about him and "putting up with it" that won't have helped how he is feeling.

One thing that has come across to me having been on MN for a few years are the shear number of what appear to be depressed, emotionally detached and utterly miserable middle aged men out there as described by many women who are on the verge of leaving them. Of course, that doesn't mean that women need to put up with them in all cases, but I do wonder what is going wrong and I'm struggling to really believe all the received wisdom that men are much happier in marriages than women.

Swipe left for the next trending thread