How to live with emotionless husband who seems to have no personality left

[Lonelybutnotalone38]

Husband and I have been together 20 years. For many reasons our marriage has come to the end. We both know it, we have both admitted it, but we haven't actually split up yet , its still dragging on miserable day after miserable day due to financial reasons and neither wants to move out or be the one to push the separation forward.
I have plans to do so but I'm trying to get all of my eggs in one basket first so I'm in a good place financially , mentally etc to take the lleap. But I am really struggling living together day to day and I think he is aswell.
Anyway, we are very different people. I am very open with my emotions, I like to talk things through, I like to chat and laugh , be silly with the kids etc.
Husband has always been very introverted which I accepted and that's fine, he used to be a lovely man, kind, loving, involved in the family. Then over many many years he started to decline and change and he became depressed. Since thenhe has become very withdrawn, quiet, emotionless over the years. He is a shell of his former self and isn't the man I married . He knows this. Unfortunately I don't think this he is ever going to change now, this is just how he is.
It's so hard to live with someone who hardly speaks, who you can't really have a conversation with. We are together 24/7 as both work from home and I'm feeling so anxious and upset in my own home all the time because I find him so difficult to be around. Honestly there is more life in a rock.
He is well known to all of his colleagues , family and friends that he is this way as that's how he presents to everyone and I've just had enough. I've cried 3 times today alone just because I've tried to chat with him about light hearted stuff and I just get nothing back. One word answers.
Knowing in my mind that at some point I won't have to live with him anymore helps me to keep moving forward towards that goal, but how do I manage day to day?
People have told me to get my own life out of the home which I am trying to do, but as soon as I'm heading home this sense of doom comes over me and I feel like there is an almost sad atmosphere on the house. I feel like I don't want to be inside the home , but obviously here alot due to work

Just stop trying to converse with him, unless it's absolutely necessary. You're deliberately banging your head against the same brick wall, and posting to ask how to get rid of your headache. The two of you don't have to chat. If there's more life in a rock, he's not going to bother you, and you're crying because a rock won't have a chat with you.

Stop trying. And get out as soon as you can.

Why can't you file for divorce today, what are you waiting for ?

He won't change

So you need to make the changes

Yes there is depression, he's medicated.

Well that will definitely be contributing to his flat moods I'm afraid.

Can he speak to his doctor about alternative medications or changes in dosage.

I'll be honest OP - I think it would have been better if you had mentioned this in your opening post. You'll have to accept that a lot of people will have responded assuming he was just a grumpy arsehole fitting the typical MN stereotype of middle-aged husbands rather than someone with a diagnosis of depression and on mood stabilising medication.

Whatever medication he's on is up to him, not the OP to sort. I don't think being depressed is a get out of jail free card if he's making people unhappy with his behaviour either.

Rip the plaster off, life is seriously too short to be this unhappy.

Are you married? Do you love your dh?

Let's hope your significant other doesn't become mentally ill. It is clear they will be on their own.

I so agree mine took his meds etc but still dragged me down everyone saw the charming bloke I got the snappy side the black moods.

@Eleganz I did write in my OP that he became depressed

You still seem to think he has a duty to entertain you though OP?

He's 'well known to family and friends to be like this' and presumably you also knew it. He's never been chatty but was once kind and loving. Is he still kind or loving?

It sounds like he is also very unhappy and I would hazard a guess that over the years of you telling him to change that he doesn't know how to be what you want him to be.

As you already say you've decided to leave him I really don't think you can suddenly expect him to be what you want him to be. He may be burying his head I. The sand but you appear to be banging your head against a brick wall in equal measures. I think you would do both yourself a favour by telling him you are planning to leave and accept that you are single living in the same house. Take away the pressure of pretending and it might just get easier to live together.

Well yes, all true, but he can’t make a teeny tiny bit of effort for his poor young children?

I would start making a plan to leave eg have all income and mortgage etc noted down. Savings, pensions, everything. Then how would DCs get to school if you / he moved out. Can you afford a second house. do you have to sell this one.

Etc Until you have your head round this 'thinking about' or 'planning' to split doesn't really mean anything - it just causes feelings or worry and panic at the enormity of it.

How are you OP?

What a joke. The man is mentally ill. It is not this woman’s job to go take care of him and counseling.

Hey, your post helped me so much. EXACTLY word for word like my situation. Would you please mind saying where you are at now with it all? Mine really started bad in 2023 too...

What did you do to get your testosterone back up ?

Vretz What did you do to get testosterone back up ?

Was going to ask the same question as posted above, what changes did you make?