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Original poster

Being told I’m fat/ big after giving birth

51 replies

NoMoreMeanTalkPls · 09/06/2023 07:58

Feel hurt and wanting to rant a bit:

Both my mum and husband keep telling me I’m now bigger than before.

My mum is much harsher and up front tells me I looked slimmer while pregnant. I was lucky and didn’t gain much weight on my limbs. I know I have a thicker waist line and a tummy now. I still fit most of my pre-pregnancy clothes but not the ones I bought more than 5 years ago. She keeps telling me I need to exercise more and loose weight just 1 month after birth and has not stopped since then. For reference, my baby is not even a year old yet. I started work and need to juggle all the new demands on me. I don’t need all this criticism right now. My mum helps a lot with taking care of my baby all
the time. But still, I could do without the shaming.

My husband keeps making jokes about me being larger now and that he can’t pick me up with one arm anymore. He’s got a big gut and I never poke fun at him like that. I carried and gave birth to a human being. That’s a lot better reason than him just liking food. Why can’t we just all being kinder to one another?!?!

😞😞

OP posts:
Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 08:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WimpoleHat · 09/06/2023 08:03

He’s got a big gut and I never poke fun at him like that.

Do it. Poke his gut and say “I’ve had a baby, what’s your excuse?”. See how he likes it. As for your mother, ask her to leave every time she does it. Totally out of order.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2023 08:06

You need to ditch these deadweights around your neck because neither are going to change or improve .

I would also assume your mother has behaved like this towards you since childhood so you have gone onto choose someone not too dissimilar to her. She should not be used for childcare at all because over time your child will pick up on her incessant comments she makes re weight and appearance.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 09/06/2023 08:07

Ask him when his dc is due..

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 08:07

Why can’t we just all being kinder to one another?!?!

They are not nice people.

I would divorce him and go NC with her. It's nasty to put people down. They know it and you know it and no amount of dressing it up as care or concern is going to change that. Nasty people's behaviour will only ever continue and escalate.

I have very low tolerance for people who are not nice to me these days. It took many years to learn this but it's an absolute life skill to be able to say 'no, I won't let you treat me like that' and out an end to it.

This is r about your weight either, both of them have found a reason to target you at a vulnerable point in your life. It's about them beings utter cunts.

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 08:08

*not about your weight Blush

Blueberry40 · 09/06/2023 08:09

Tell them to fuck off and focus on their own lives. They have no business commenting on your body shape, your fitness levels or your appearance.

ButterCrackers · 09/06/2023 08:12

WimpoleHat · 09/06/2023 08:03

He’s got a big gut and I never poke fun at him like that.

Do it. Poke his gut and say “I’ve had a baby, what’s your excuse?”. See how he likes it. As for your mother, ask her to leave every time she does it. Totally out of order.

This and I agree with the post saying find other childcare.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 08:13

They both sound hideous, I wouldn't usually condone pettiness but I'd absolutely point out his hypocrisy. Of course even if he was an adonis he has no right to comment like this on your body, but at least he wouldn't be a hypocrite. I also agree with a PP to ask your mum to leave everytime she mentions it. Sounds like you're doing great juggling everything, they sound disgusting.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/06/2023 08:13

Tell them to fuck off and come back to you once they have the perfect body

You have just grown and birthed a baby from your body, it is providing the space and nutrition for your child. There is plenty of time to sort it, should you wish to.

Ask them where is the support for you after you have done this?

Hazelnuttella · 09/06/2023 08:16

This isn’t normal OP, sorry.

Maybe if your mum has always put you down you think it’s normal so didn’t question it when your DH started.

It’s not normal, it’s deeply unpleasant and designed to reduce your confidence.

GoodVibesHere · 09/06/2023 08:18

Our bodies change through carrrying a child, I bet your mum's body did. Have you ever seen photos of her from before you were born? Could you casually remind her that she looks different to how she was before she had you?

Foxblue · 09/06/2023 08:19

Grey rock your mum with a single sentence:

"Er, it's a bit fucking weird how obsessed you are with my weight after I've just given birth"

Over and over again - if they ask questions, if they get defensive, no matter what they say, just look very puzzled and go 'really weird'

Sit your husband down and explain how extraordinarily offensive it is and how much it's upsetting you (and bloody well point out you don't make fun of his gut because it's not a normal thing to do!!)
If he is a good man, he'll stop. If he's a shit one, he won't. Imagine him saying this stuff to your child when they are older, or saying this stuff to you in front of them - it's one if the many ways people develop horrible self esteem issues, eating disorders etc. Spell it alllll out to him. Explicitly say this to him. I repeat: if he's a good man, he will be horrified that he's upset you and stop.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/06/2023 08:21

Your mum is awful, I'm sorry that you need her for childcare. If she's anything like mine, she'll get terribly upset if you try and point out how much she's upsetting you, but I think you should tell her, and then shut her down with something like, "I've told you how much you're upsetting me by mentioning this, why are you deliberately upsetting me?" every time she mentions it.

Have you told your DH how much it's upsetting you?

Lemonpepper · 09/06/2023 08:27

I would honest to god divorce over this.

Appalling.

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 09/06/2023 08:31

Ah OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Both your mum and husband are not being fair to you and your amazing body that has just grown a human being in it, birthed it, looked after it amongst the recovery and rollercoaster of hormones.
Shame on your mum for not remembering what it was like, or not realising that it's different for everyone.
And as for your husband, I feel sorry for him, imagine poking fun at the person and body that bought their child into the world, nutured it. He should be showing your respect and honour, making sure you have nutritious meals on hand as your body is still not back to having all the minerals, vitamins you had before. As a previous poster said, keep telling him&her how weird that is. Because it is!! It's very strange when you take time to think about it.
I hope if you decide to talk to him, which I think you should, that he listens. I have a father-in-law a bit like this, and he's beginning to get it, especially as anyone making negative comments about me, my body, breast-feeding, emotions and who is not pulling their weight by at least changing the odd nappy or offering to make cups of tea whilst visiting is not welcome to visit when I have number 2.
Take care of yourself OP. Society has made it difficult for mums to do this, but you and your amazing body deserve it.

stingypeasant · 09/06/2023 08:36

Presumably your dm is the same size as she was in her early 20s

Irequireausername · 09/06/2023 08:47

I get similar comments from my mum. She's obsessed with being thin, even though she's not. She's obsessed with my body pre-pregnancy. I don't get why she cares. My dh still loves me, what's wrong with my mum?

stingypeasant · 09/06/2023 09:00

Irequireausername · 09/06/2023 08:47

I get similar comments from my mum. She's obsessed with being thin, even though she's not. She's obsessed with my body pre-pregnancy. I don't get why she cares. My dh still loves me, what's wrong with my mum?

She has self loathing because of her weight and she desperately doesn't want you to have the same problem I suspect. Totally fucked up way of dealing with it though. Or she has self loathing because of her weight and she dumps on you because you are a reflection of her. She is actually shitting on herself.

I am pretty normal weight but I have to work really hard. I'm several sizes bigger than I was in my early 30s when I was underweight. I see my gorgeous stunning teen dd who has my figure and I have to bite back so hard not to point out that her thighs look not so good in some things. Because I know that thigh. It's my thigh. I love her more than life but I hear in my mind I'm thinking 'ugh. That would look so much better without thick thighs'. And she's STUNNING

kirsty2023 · 09/06/2023 09:14

NoMoreMeanTalkPls · 09/06/2023 07:58

Feel hurt and wanting to rant a bit:

Both my mum and husband keep telling me I’m now bigger than before.

My mum is much harsher and up front tells me I looked slimmer while pregnant. I was lucky and didn’t gain much weight on my limbs. I know I have a thicker waist line and a tummy now. I still fit most of my pre-pregnancy clothes but not the ones I bought more than 5 years ago. She keeps telling me I need to exercise more and loose weight just 1 month after birth and has not stopped since then. For reference, my baby is not even a year old yet. I started work and need to juggle all the new demands on me. I don’t need all this criticism right now. My mum helps a lot with taking care of my baby all
the time. But still, I could do without the shaming.

My husband keeps making jokes about me being larger now and that he can’t pick me up with one arm anymore. He’s got a big gut and I never poke fun at him like that. I carried and gave birth to a human being. That’s a lot better reason than him just liking food. Why can’t we just all being kinder to one another?!?!

😞😞

They are just being rude tell them to piss off my DP is the same with me I just don't listen anymore if u are happy then that's what matters and u have not long ago had a baby xx

80s · 09/06/2023 09:33

It makes no difference what size your mum is. She might have managed to stay svelte throughout her life, popping out ten children without gaining a pound, and it would not give her the right to comment on your body.
My daughter is slightly curvier than I am, and what does it have to do with me? Nothing. She's her own person, who lives her own life. If I started commenting on what she should do, she'd point it out pretty quickly and I'd shut the f* up as I respect her opinion.

FartSock5000 · 09/06/2023 09:44

@NoMoreMeanTalkPls if you don't start sticking up for yourself, they will never stop.

Tell your DH when he loses his fat gut, you'll lose yours and until then he needs to keep his body shaming comments to himself. Just because your bitch of a mother makes rude remarks doesn't give him the right.

Tell your mum to stop. She isn't doing it from love or concern. She's just a c*nt who likes putting you down. Find childcare elsewhere and start going low contact with her. If she comments on your weight, you comment on her wrinkles. Tell her that she should be more concerned with how saggy her tits are than how long its taking you to shift the baby weight.

Start talking back or make her leave and don't talk to her until she apologises.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 09/06/2023 09:49

Tell them both to shut up, you’re sick of their body shaming, poke him in the gut and say when’s it due then. Tell mother dearest to stop and think about how her remarks are affecting you. Yes, you’ve gained a little around the waist and tummy, it takes about two years to fully recover from childbirth. During pregnancy your body goes through massive changes. Your blood volume increases, this puts a strain on your heart, you need to eat more to provide nutrients for baby, if you don’t the growing baby depletes your supplies, your skin stretches, muscles are under strain.
That clothing you bought five years ago and no longer fits..get rid of it, sell, donate it to charity but get it out of the house. It’s a reminder that your body has changed.
Tell DH one more fattiest remark and your vagina will shut forever.

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/06/2023 10:14

To your Mum "Have you ever considered counselling for your issues with weight and body image, projected onto other people? Would you like me to arrange some counselling for you? I'm c bust working and being a new Mum, but I could look into it for you because I'm so concerned for you".

To your Dh "lose your own weight before you comment on mine, I grew a baby, gave birth, am still well within the recovery period and have a lot on my plate, what's your excuse, when's your food baby going to be born?"

Or simply "pot, kettle". I had your baby, what's your excuse.

You are clearly too "nice" and you need to find your boundaries and toughen up very quickly.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2023 10:59

I'm so sorry. Please set a boundary with both of them that you're not going to listen to comments on your weight, at all. Leave the room or ask them to leave if they do, and tell them why.

(You could also say for everytime you criticize me about my appearance I'll tell you three things wrong with yours - tell them to go get teeth whitening, get a better hair cut, go to the gym, shave your back, choose nicer clothes, your breath smells etc- but that's a bit nasty and doesn't sound in line with your values. They'd deserve it though!)