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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Mum ....

52 replies

PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 05:43

My 9yr son told me this week that he's calling Dads new gf 'Mum' :-(

I'm heartbroken. I thought that the bond we had was so strong that he would never consider this.

They have been going out for a while and in the last few weeks have started to all live together, with her 2 children and my 10yr old daughter.

We have shared care and have a civil relationship.

I have met the gf, and she is very nice so I'm happy that the kids will be looked after but I never thought that they would call her 'Mum' as they have a Mum - me :-(

I spoke to my daughter about it and she is indifferent and asked how I would feel if she did.

I messaged Dad when I found out and was told "where happy for the kids to call us what they want".

Am I wrong in thinking that this should have been an Adult conversation first as to why he thought this was necessary?

I'm not in a relationship with anyone, and I am genuinely happy for them all, but why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I'm losing him ? I can't look at him in the same way and it's breaking my heart x

I don't want to upset him by telling him how hurt I am bc what's done is done, but I don't want to be in 'competition' for the Mum title as I thought I'd already done enough to deserve that.
Maybe he doesn't see the significance, and it's just a word, and maybe I need to get some perspective and get over myself xx

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 09/06/2023 05:47

This would be a strong boundary for me. It's not ok.

You need to speak to the dad and gf and all talk to DS together explaining that while it's great he's so close to gf, she's not his mum and should call her by her name.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 09/06/2023 05:50

Absolutely not right and at his age he needs to be sat down and told that. You are his mum, the only one he biologically has and legally currently too. She is NOT his mum, she is NOT his stepmum she is his dads girlfriend. I would not have this at all.

SD1978 · 09/06/2023 05:53

I understand why you're upset- you're his mum and him calling someone else that would hurt. But I think you have to try and be a little bit logical. He's made that choice. He's not been coerced, and it doesn't mean that he loves or needs too any less. He's comfortable with her and has made that choice. Yes they should have thought to have a talk with you when it first started happening, but I also don't think men think that through. I doubt there is much you can do now without making your son feel uncomfortable

SD1978 · 09/06/2023 05:54

And no- not a step parent, but have an ex husband with a long term partner. It would upset me if she was called mum- but I'd also not tell my ex that they couldn't.

rightioly · 09/06/2023 05:55

Am I wrong in thinking that this should have been an Adult conversation first as to why he thought this was necessary? no that is not necessary. It is between your children and his gf.

jelly79 · 09/06/2023 05:59

Absolute hard no

Fooksticks · 09/06/2023 06:07

No, no, no.

Explain to your DS why he shouldn't be calling this woman mum. Even if she were his step mum, it would still be no.

WildFlowerBees · 09/06/2023 06:17

No, I had a conversation with my step daughter and said you have a mum I'm wildflowerbees. His gf should be letting your dc know that shes X and that you are and will always be mum.

MargotDeWitt · 09/06/2023 06:23

What does he call you?

He is obviously happy and secure around her, but it wouldn't sit right with me.

Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 13:08

Thanks for the replies ....

He calls me Mum (changed from Mummy when it wasn't any longer cool)

I'm going have to tell him how it makes me feel so I can get over it. But what is done and I don't want him to feel bad as I'm sure it came from a good place. I will also say how lucky she is to be called that as it means so much.

X x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2023 13:13

Whoa. Nope, nope, nope. Your son is well old enough to be told that you are his only mum and to call that woman "mum" is totally disrespectful and not allowed. I would also speak to your ex about this immediately. I am sure he wouldn't want his children calling another man "dad.".

GreyCarpet · 09/06/2023 13:16

My daughter told me the other day that she's had to buy her dad's wife (of 6 months) a Mother's day card for years.

She doesn't want to because I'm her mum but she said it's not worth the aggro if she doesn't.

Could it be something lime that? An instruction rather than a choice?

It's not on though.

solice84 · 09/06/2023 13:17

I'd be furious

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/06/2023 13:25

I couldn’t cope with this at all if I were you.
Your ex and the new gf should have spoken to you about it and before they set up home so that everyone had a chance to set a boundary and have their voice heard.
From your DSs point of view, he probably thinks calling gf ‘mum’ is a nice thing and kind to her. I don’t think at his age in a million years he has thought of the impact on you. He hasn’t done it deliberately, children just see everyone as included, and to him it’s calling her ‘mum’. Maybe you should gently ask him why he has chosen to do that and explain how it makes you feel sad. Maybe you could think of an alternate label she could be called so you can keep the title that you’ve earnt and he gets to call her something else that gives her some sort of title in his life as it sound like she will be a permanent feature in his life.

yaboreme · 09/06/2023 13:28

Your son isn't to blame in this situation (not that you are obviously), I guess with other kids around calling her mum maybe it's just easier.

But I'd be devastated, if the partner has anything about her she would say how flattered she is that he thinks of her so highly but you are his mum and he's super lucky.

She's the only one who truly would know how it feels. Your son is just being sweet I imagine.

💐

Faz469 · 09/06/2023 13:31

I think it depends person to person tbh.

I have a (10yo) stepson and he sometimes slips up and calls me mum. At first it made me feel uncomfortable. 1 because I just wasn't used to it and 2 because he has a difficult relationship with his mum and I didn't want him getting in trouble.

He ended up talking to his mum about it who messaged me to say she was fine with him calling me mum as I'm basically the mum figure in our house. I think I now find it easier to accept because I'm pregnant and soon to be a mum for the first time but still prefer him to call me by my name. I just don't make a big deal of it when he does slip up.

How would you feel if you had a partner and they were calling him dad? Would you be ok with that? That really bothered my partner at first but after 6 years he's got used to his son calling someone else dad. It's swings and roundabouts.

bibbityboppityboo · 09/06/2023 13:34

I can imagine it's tough on your side, but they've been together a while, they live together and when they're living with them that's their family unit. If it's fully your sons choice and what he wants to call her I think it would be hard for him if you tell him how upset this makes you - this is a problem on your side, not your DSs.

He's only 9 - I don't think it's fair for you to burden him with your upset over the situation, when it's something only you are upset by, and his actions aren't anything wrong in essence. If telling him helps you get over it, what do you think it does to him? It's making him responsible for your emotional reaction to something, which I do think is unfair on a child that young.

I called my stepdad "dad" and my biological dad "dad". That didn't suddenly stop my biological dad being my dad, I was old enough to realise the differences between the two people - but they were both my dads in actual life, they both were part of my family and both looked out for me / after me. It's the hard part of blended families.

Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 13:41

Well I would have liked to have been included in the conversation and I'd have said that it's not really necessary but I wasn't and when my son asked her, she said it was ok.

The ex isn't thinking of it from my perspective, only from the children's and what they want to do,

If I wasn't around (ie. dead), then it would be fine, but I am around.

I wouldn't have thought it necessary for my children to call any future partner/ husband 'Dad' out of respect for their Dad but we all don't think the same :-(

I know of some 'step-dads' who are better role models to the children than their actual 'Dads' but still get called by their name !

I'm over reacting atm, crying when I think about it and my behaviour towards my son has changed. I just feel like I'm losing him but my Ex & his gf would say that was nonsense and wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 13:54

Thank you for the recent replies, giving the flip side, as I need to read those.

It is a factor of blended families I guess - and one that I've not had to consider until now.

I talk to my children about emotions, in a hope that they will talk to me about theirs, so him knowing how I feel and how ridiculous it is that I think I'm losing him, will help us all.

I wouldn't want to burden him and make him feel bad as he's done nothing wrong.

I am thinking about it with Adult emotions and he is only 9 :-(

OP posts:
Goldbar · 09/06/2023 14:03

I can completely see why this would touch a nerve, but if it's coming from your DS himself, I don't think that children should have to walk on eggshells around adults simply to show 'respect' for them or to avoid hurting their feelings. Your DS already has to navigate living in two households and I sort of agree with his dad that he should be allowed to do what he wants in this situation. The reality of course is that you are his mum and the permanent figure in his life - calling the new GF 'mum' won't detract from that and may just be a phase anyway.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 09/06/2023 14:24

Well I would have liked to have been included in the conversation and I'd have said that it's not really necessary but I wasn't and when my son asked her, she said it was ok.

The ex isn't thinking of it from my perspective, only from the children's and what they want to do,

I don't see anything massively wrong with your partner considering his child's wishes over yours here. And if it came from your son and he asked her if he could call her mum, she may have felt like refusing would have been quite hurtful maybe. I'm not saying there aren't ways she could have gently said no, but I can also definitely see it being a possibility that she didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying he couldn't call her that.

Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 14:27

You're right @Goldbar.

This is when Mumsnet is a good things as it allows us to vent, gain a different perspective, and move on in a positive, healthy direction x x

OP posts:
Goldbar · 09/06/2023 14:35

Also it might help to remember that young children often take their primary carers for granted, while they want to do nice things for other people they feel less secure with - their friends, other adults in their lives etc.

It's not because they don't love you and need you the most, but you're just there in the background, like the furniture or the ground under their feet. They need you to be able to go out and do all the other, more exciting things, but they don't 'notice' you and your feelings. And they don't view your affection for them as being 'transactional' in the same way that they might feel it is in other relationships.

awimbawaaay · 09/06/2023 14:45

Maybe going against the grain here but with DD's "stepmum" (not married) I've always just been really grateful that DD has another adult in her life who she loves and trusts and who loves and cares for her back.

SM's DD called my ex Dad after a while (she was much younger when they met and DD called him Dad all the time so it stuck for the youngest DD), and when my DD asked me if she should call SM "mum", I said whatever she wanted and was comfortable with. It makes no difference to me. I'm her mum, DD knows that and always will. If she feels close enough with SM that she essentially has two mums, then how is that not an absolute win for my child? 🤷🏻‍♀️ She now has two people she thinks of that way.

awimbawaaay · 09/06/2023 14:49

I also call my stepdad "my dad" in conversation as he's been there for me since he came into my life. My kids call him granda and wouldn't even be aware he wasn't my dad if it wasn't for having to explain who that other grandad we see once every few years is. Grin