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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Mum ....

52 replies

PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 05:43

My 9yr son told me this week that he's calling Dads new gf 'Mum' :-(

I'm heartbroken. I thought that the bond we had was so strong that he would never consider this.

They have been going out for a while and in the last few weeks have started to all live together, with her 2 children and my 10yr old daughter.

We have shared care and have a civil relationship.

I have met the gf, and she is very nice so I'm happy that the kids will be looked after but I never thought that they would call her 'Mum' as they have a Mum - me :-(

I spoke to my daughter about it and she is indifferent and asked how I would feel if she did.

I messaged Dad when I found out and was told "where happy for the kids to call us what they want".

Am I wrong in thinking that this should have been an Adult conversation first as to why he thought this was necessary?

I'm not in a relationship with anyone, and I am genuinely happy for them all, but why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I'm losing him ? I can't look at him in the same way and it's breaking my heart x

I don't want to upset him by telling him how hurt I am bc what's done is done, but I don't want to be in 'competition' for the Mum title as I thought I'd already done enough to deserve that.
Maybe he doesn't see the significance, and it's just a word, and maybe I need to get some perspective and get over myself xx

OP posts:
Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 15:06

@Goldbar ... you're right again ... that's why I
got all the tantrums and kick-offs bc he felt safe.

I get it now .. I've nothing to worry about. I'll always be his Mum xx

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 15:37

@Neverinamonthofsundays "she is NOT his stepmum she is his dads girlfriend."

Why isn't she his stepmum?

WannabeKittens · 09/06/2023 15:47

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2023 13:13

Whoa. Nope, nope, nope. Your son is well old enough to be told that you are his only mum and to call that woman "mum" is totally disrespectful and not allowed. I would also speak to your ex about this immediately. I am sure he wouldn't want his children calling another man "dad.".

Absolutely not.

The reality is that if it’s his choice, if he sees this woman as a mother figure, while the OP is rightly upset, no-one has the right to lay down the law like that, it will only lead to resentment.

As long the son hasn’t been told to call her mum and it’s his choice, then he should be able to do that.

There absolutely is no such thing as “it’s not allowed.” It absolutely should be if that’s what he wants.

Ultimately it’s a name. A term of endearment. And calling her mum doesn’t change the fact that the OP is his mum.

OP did you say that your daughter lives with them full-time and that you only have shared care of your DS?

Neverinamonthofsundays · 09/06/2023 15:48

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 15:37

@Neverinamonthofsundays "she is NOT his stepmum she is his dads girlfriend."

Why isn't she his stepmum?

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/parent

Because the dictionary definition is that the have to be married.

PaintedEgg · 09/06/2023 16:02

I find this thread interesting from a perspective of a step-mum

So maybe I can offer some perspective from the other side...

My step-daughter sometimes calls me mum (I think more in error than anything), but she did ask us about it and to be honest, I did tell her it's up to her - more as a cop-out than anything because I was't sure what I should say. We did explain to her that I am her step-mum, because I'm married to her dad, but left it up to her to decide what she wants to call me.

I didn't want her to feel rejected, especially now that I'm pregnant and some signs of jealousy are starting to show

I would never want to upset or disrespect her mum (although we have never met), but even less so to upset my step-daughter.

Maybe it's a bit of a different because I've met my step-daughter when she was very young and was heavily involved in her upbringing from the beginning, so we try our best to navigate this without upsetting anyone and my step-daughter least of all. In any case I don't think anyone would deliberately go out of their way to upset the mum or that children somehow lose track of who their mum is.

B1rd · 09/06/2023 16:11

Being a step-mum previously. I would have said that I wasn't happy being called "Mum" out of respect for the boys actual Mum.
There were slip ups of course, but that's quite normal I think.

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2023 16:13

How would he feel son calling someone else dad? Because my ex tried this promotional "family" thing with his then girlfriend it was all "two parents here" soon your "sisters" will be "home" and we can have "family fun" to be fair to her she was against it but he was heavily pressuring the kids to see their house as the only "family house" her children as their "siblings" (they were hers alone not joint) I said gee never would have thought you would allow your kids to call someone else DAD he erupted I said if its good for you it's good for me "kids choice" right? Ahh wrong that's DISRESPECTFUL apparently and he would never EVER allow the children to call anyone else mom (even though he suggested it "in passing" the week prior)

Personally I would never allow my child to do this with an involved parent

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 16:29

@Neverinamonthofsundays "Because the dictionary definition is that the have to be married."

Ah. You do know that is complete bollocks, don't you?

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 16:30

My brother's kids call his new (well new as in nearly 20 years!) partner "bonusmum"

Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 18:30

Thanks for the replies ...

No - my daughter also goes to Dads house but is indifferent as to whether she calls her 'Mum'. Maybe my son mentioned it as he was worried what I'd think ??

I don't know but we've had lots of hugs and a chat (on his level hopefully) and we are back to our happy normal selves.

Emotions cause reactions sometimes and I need to manage these a little better.

The kids are very happy at their Dads home, as they are here. And I like his gf very much ... it was just my initial shock and sadness that made me post xx

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 09/06/2023 18:34

@PlsBeGentle I thought about something else...do girlfriend's kids call your ex a dad? because if this is a case it could be simply a consistency case

Neverinamonthofsundays · 09/06/2023 18:44

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 16:29

@Neverinamonthofsundays "Because the dictionary definition is that the have to be married."

Ah. You do know that is complete bollocks, don't you?

Meh. My ex husband had a child and although I was married to him and she told people I was stepmum she firmly called me my given name and only her mum that title.

ErinAoife · 09/06/2023 18:58

No it is not OK for your kids to call the girlfriend of your ex husband mom. Your ex should never have allowed it. It is utterly disrespectful, I am sure if you have a partner, your ex will not like that your kids call him daddy. Even the girlfriend should have told your kid not to call her mum out of respect to you.

Straightsidedcircle · 09/06/2023 19:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Brigitteshittette · 09/06/2023 19:12

No way you tell your son straight ‘she’s not your mum, I am , choose a different name for her’.
wildly inappropriate and make sure everyone gets the message that you think so.

Brigitteshittette · 09/06/2023 19:14

To add . If I found myself in a stepmum situation there’s no way in the world I’d allow the kids to call me mum, out of respect for their real mum. It’s just a line I wouldn’t have crossed.

Louoby · 09/06/2023 19:28

Oh I would feel so hurt if it was me. There's only one woman who deserves to be called mum in my opinion. It's lovely that she's nice to him but she should tell him that he always has a mum and maybe they could agree on another "special" name if he doesn't want to call her by her name. I'd feel very sad. I feel for yoh

Whattodo112222 · 09/06/2023 19:30

I'd hit the roof. She is not mum, stepmum or any kind of parent. She is dads girlfriend.

Goldbar · 09/06/2023 19:40

Whattodo112222 · 09/06/2023 19:30

I'd hit the roof. She is not mum, stepmum or any kind of parent. She is dads girlfriend.

This seems excessive, given that it's coming from the child himself not the girlfriend. The OP's DS has to deal with the reality of living in a blended family and moving between two homes and all the emotional confusion that this entails. "Hitting the roof' with him just because he is trying to work out or establish his position in the family or he want to belong more securely seems quite harmful to me. The adults involved need to focus on him and what he is feeling, rather than their own feelings.

SaltyCrisps · 09/06/2023 19:48

I don't think you need to feel you're wrong to be upset, OP, because some people here think this is okay. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

FWIW I'd feel exactly the same as you do. It might be interesting for you to ask your son what he thinks 'mum' means. I think he's old enough to be told that mum means the person who gave birth to him and brought him up (or simply brought him up, in the case of a child brought up by somebody other than their birth mother).

I think your ex and his girlfriend have been mind-bogglingly insensitive, and I agree with those who've suggested that your ex might feel very different about this if his child was calling somebody else 'dad'.

humus · 09/06/2023 20:09

Hard as it is for you, it’s much harder for your 9 year old to understand and it might be quite rejecting for him to be told no you can’t call me mum. You can try ms embrace that he has another loving adult in his life as this can only enhance his life.

Frogger8395 · 09/06/2023 21:17

They’ve only moved in together a couple of weeks ago! If they break up is he going to call the next girlfriend mum?

It’s hurtful and disrespectful. I would be clear this is to stop. I’m not up for this sort of pretending and I’d correct my kids also if they starting calling my friend grandad.

Original poster
PlsBeGentle · 09/06/2023 22:13

They have been dating for some years; taking it slow and the children have all known each other for at least 18m I'd say.

They do plan to marry in the near future so they are serious about each other, and he is good with her children ... not sure if they call him Dad ? Although they do see their Dad on a regular basis.

On paper, it's a perfect blended family really; children around the same ages ... all nice kids. He and her have the same interests and goals so I hope it works out.

I haven't been looking to date but they do give me hope that a single mum with 2 kids is dateable 😬

We can't undo what is done though so maybe when my son gets a little older, he'll revert back to using her name.

OP posts:
Bluebellsbells · 09/06/2023 23:34

I'm a stepmom and I just want to say what a great example you are op for how you have handled this situation.

Being both a mom and a stepmom myself I have found labelling what I am challenging. I've been in my stepchildren's lives for many years over half their lives and parent them in exactly the same way as I do my own- but I'm not their mum and as much as I love and care for them, they have a very present and very active mum in their lives and I do not see myself as a replacement or an extension to her. Im an important role in their lives and its a motherly role but it's not a mum role if that makes sense! I think step mums need a name that is separate to the mum term.

My partners ex immediately told her children never to call me mum, and although I never sought that title ever, the way she approached it was so decisive, alienating and confusing for the children. It was like they had to prove loyalty and I was never to be fully regarded as family. I told them to call me what they would like to call me and they both agreed mum wasn't right, I agreed too. So the youngest came up with a nickname that has stuck, it's affectionate, none mother centred, and not controversial and most importantly came from her.

They both call me step mom when saying to someone who I am but on a day to day call me by my nickname.

And going back to your situation, what I think you have done so well is not burdened him with your emotions or tried to get him to prove loyalty. He knows your his only mum, it's not something you can ever replace, you have a strong bond that's unique. As I said earlier I love my step children dearly but it's not the same love as my children. And it shouldn't be because they have that unique unbreakable bond with their mother- I'm an added person to their family, who looks out for them. Your son will see that too. Also it's great to see blended families working because so often they don't, and it's no accident that your son is part of a functioning family, it's due to all adults working hard to make it work.

OriginalUsername2 · 10/06/2023 14:37

I think it’s perfectly fine to sit down with your kids and tell them that they haven’t done anything wrong but it doesn’t feel right to you for them to call dads gf mum.

Ive got a feeling your ex doesn’t respect you? This is the sort of think my horrible ex would have done with glee.