Can I just be friends with guy from OLD

[MumLass]

Sorry if this is long. I am 4 months post-separation from my emotionally abusive and sexually coercive ex. I'm having counselling and feeling really positive most of the time. I have a wonderful children who are with me most of the time, a full time demanding job that I love and a great social life with friends. I'm not actually interested or looking for anything else at the moment.

However, early on in my separation I was feeling absolutely crappy about myself and thought I had to find out if such a thing as a decent man existed. So I joined Bumble. I swapped messages with a few people, two guys in particular kept the conversations going. This only went on for about 2 weeks and then I woke up to how stupid I was being. I'm a million miles from being ready to date and I actually don't want to. I've got plenty going on in my life just now. so I messaged them both and explained that joining the site had been an impulsive moment and I wasn't ready to get back out there. In fairness they both replied kindly and off we went.

But, one of them said he really enjoyed our conversations and if I was happy to keep chatting as friends then he would like to. So we have done. We've arranged to meet up for a coffee and walk this weekend. I'm 100% clear with him that this not a date.

Am I being daft to do this? Will he see it as a route to more? I love our chats, we have really similar sense of humour, taste in music and childhood experiences. We just seem to click, and it's really nice to have someone to chat to who only knows me - not my ex, not our shared circle of friends. Does that make sense? I really can't allow myself to get drawn into a relationship, I have too much healing to do from my abusive ex.

He's hoping you will give in / playing the long game come on you know this right 🤭

I don't know this. I'm so out of the loop. I was with my ex for 19 years. I feel like a total beginner!

I think I won't go. It's daft and you're probably right.

I dunno. I've got a couple of guys who ended up as friends rather than dates from OLD. I suspect one of them is hoping to be there as plan B if current relationship fails, but he's not, and as long as he doesn't overstep the mark at any point, that's fine.

I actually have done the exact same as you. I connected with a few people, had a coffee and messaged to say I wasn't in the right place to date etc, he said that was fine and we meet for a coffee every now and then and have had dinner. I enjoy the company and I think he does too...what I would say is it doesn't feel a very genuine friendship, it's pretty clear to me that he is seeing other people but doesn't want to say...he tells me what he is doing but not who with, that's not an issue but a real friend would share things. It seems a bit impersonal to be honest. Very nice guy, kind etc but it's not a real friendship and I suspect it will become more open or fizzle out....we live very close so it's not a big deal to meet up for an hour.

I stayed friends with one.

Apparently some of the younger people use these apps just to find friends (according to niece in her 20s). Tinder being the main one.

No harm in it if both parties are happy with that.

I have 2 friends I met through OLD. No spark at all but some shared interests.

I may be wrong but I don't think OP knows if there's no spark on his side. I found that on the dullest of dates for me some guys honestly thought there was a budding romance....

Do it! I've got a couple of good friends who started out as online dates.

See, he is definitely on there looking for romance. I don’t think I’ll go. It’s a shame as he seems lovely. He’ll often drop me message just asking how my day was, but he doesn’t hound me to reply (it can take me a couple of days!) If I tell him I’ve had a bad day he sends me funnies to cheer me up. We’ve had chats about serious things, daft things. He sends me photos of the nice view when he’s out hillwalking and I do the same. Aargh.

He’s also handsome 🙈 Why couldn’t I have messaged him 12 months from now.

Just keep him as a friend!

I don’t see why you wouldn’t go, OP. If it’s clear he’s just hoping you will say ‘Gosh, you’re cute and I’ve changed my mind’, you don’t need to see him again, but you’re seeing h8m for coffee, not going on holiday with him for a fortnight!

With all of those good qualities, he's not likely to be on the market a year from now.

I'd go if I were you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I've got 2 good friends I met OLD - one I actually went out with for bit which did not work. Lovely bloke but hugely different people so we are genuinely close friends. One, zero chemistry for me but an extremely nice man. Trouble is he did develop feelings and whilst he was respectful and didn't push or anything, it became a bit awkward and I've had to let contact slide since I've met someone which feels a shitty thing to do to a friend and I've had to remind myself I went online to find a partner and it may be offputting to have a friend around with strong feelings who initially came into my life as a date.

What I'm saying is it isn't without potential awkwardness but you could find a good friend. I too feel this bloke could be hoping you'll change your mind eventually but to be honest, why not go and have a coffee. You've been honest so he knows the score, and might turn out to be a good pal. Just remember usual date safety stuff and don't be massively surprised if he comes back saying 'I know I said I was happy to meet as friends but I really felt a spark in person...'.

I would stick to coffees or activities rather than deep heart to hearts at home or loads of drinking to start with at least.

I would go, maybe it's just friendship you need first, you've made it clear so no expectations.

It sounds as though he could be a really good friend. How would you feel if you were friends and he went on dates?

I don’t know that yet. Will depend how I feel when we meet. I’m going to sleep on it and decide tomorrow, but please keep the opinions coming!

I have, we met on Tinder and we have stayed just friends ever since. I've been to his house for lunch, been shopping together, sometimes dinner, even to a music festival. ..just genuine friends.

He sends me music all the time. He is engaged to someone else now, but we still keep in touch.

We were both fresh out of divorce at the time, neither of us were really ready for a new relationship, but we both just wanted something different , and we both made a good friend on the way.

I would go. If you feel pressurised at all, then you know to walk away.

Not online, but I met a guy who went on a few dates. Then, I met up as friends, but he clearly wanted more. He was not happy when I found someone else. Apparently he rated a lot and called me a bitch to his friends. But he got over it.

We stayed friends through Facebook and a year later met up for a friendly chat. I quickly realised he'd grown up a lot and fancied him a lot more. Plus, I was now ready for a relationship.

Logn story short, we've been married 8 years this August, and I'm pregnant with our second.

If the timing is not right, then go for this coffee, and if he seems too keen, keep your distance. If it's meant to be, hopefully you'll reconnect in the future when you're in the right head space.

There is no harm in meeting with no expectations OP, in my view. When I was OLD, I connected with two people in particular who have since become very good personal friends - I was looking for a serious relationship, but, although there was no romantic spark, with either, we stayed in touch and, in both cases, genuine strong platonic friendships developed, to the extent that we frequently visit and stay with one another, enjoy each other's company, just as mates, helped and supported one another through the minefield which is OLD - they are both decent, honourable people with whom I feel totally safe.

I, as have they, have now abandoned OLD, but I am very grateful for the opportunity to have made two new friends who both happen to be of the opposite sex to me, although, in some respects, that is largely irrelevant - a friend is a friend, regardless of whether or not they have the same chromosomes as me!

I think the difference with your position and mine to some pp on here is that you're not looking for romance. It's not a question of two people meeting and there's no spark but one of you isn't interested and the other person is looking for a relationship.
As you have been clear it's fine to meet for a coffee but I would advise keeping it short and sweet, say an hour and take it from there.

It’s not unheard of, one of my best mates is a man I met OLD twenty years ago. We had a great time talking online but no chemistry when we met so decided to be pals. Both married with kids now, he’s pals with my husband, we talk all the time and we wouldn’t be without him. You might as well meet him if you get on, you’ve been honest and clear, if he’s trying to talk you round or whatever you can just sliiiiiide out.

I met my two best female friends on a dating app after friend zoning each other. Recently we went walking for the day as a three. I have no intention of making a move on either.

Please be wary. Unfortunately a lot of men are not interested in making female friends unless there is something more involved. My own male friends included.