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Original poster

Can I just be friends with guy from OLD

48 replies

MumLass · 08/06/2023 13:48

Sorry if this is long. I am 4 months post-separation from my emotionally abusive and sexually coercive ex. I'm having counselling and feeling really positive most of the time. I have a wonderful children who are with me most of the time, a full time demanding job that I love and a great social life with friends. I'm not actually interested or looking for anything else at the moment.

However, early on in my separation I was feeling absolutely crappy about myself and thought I had to find out if such a thing as a decent man existed. So I joined Bumble. I swapped messages with a few people, two guys in particular kept the conversations going. This only went on for about 2 weeks and then I woke up to how stupid I was being. I'm a million miles from being ready to date and I actually don't want to. I've got plenty going on in my life just now. so I messaged them both and explained that joining the site had been an impulsive moment and I wasn't ready to get back out there. In fairness they both replied kindly and off we went.

But, one of them said he really enjoyed our conversations and if I was happy to keep chatting as friends then he would like to. So we have done. We've arranged to meet up for a coffee and walk this weekend. I'm 100% clear with him that this not a date.

Am I being daft to do this? Will he see it as a route to more? I love our chats, we have really similar sense of humour, taste in music and childhood experiences. We just seem to click, and it's really nice to have someone to chat to who only knows me - not my ex, not our shared circle of friends. Does that make sense? I really can't allow myself to get drawn into a relationship, I have too much healing to do from my abusive ex.

OP posts:
whattodo87 · 08/06/2023 22:46

I, like @GentlemanJay, have met my bestest male friend on a dating app.
If he's a good guy then he will value your friendship more than just wanting to get his leg over.

Meet him for a coffee and if you get on in person, like you have with your messaging, then you may have found yourself a new best friend.

WtP · 08/06/2023 23:23

I met a wonderful person through OLD.
We were an item for 3 months & it was OH so much fun but although we had 95% in common it wasn't going to work as a romantic situation.
But we are still really good friends. I think the secret is to not get too wrapped up in the relationship until you both know its going to work.
I still miss them every day but I don't think either of us could make it work long term

Original poster
MumLass · 08/07/2023 18:08

Coming back with an update. I bottled out of meeting him in June and I was sure that our chatting would fizzle out as he’d be fed up of just chatting on WhatsApp forever. It didn’t, he’s continued to be friendly and considerate. Today we finally met up for a coffee and a walk, and them another coffee before we went home. The time flew by, and bloody hell he’s gorgeous 🙈 we got caught in a massive thunderstorm on our walk, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. I still reminded him twice it’s ‘not a date’ though. After today I really want to see him again!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 18:27

It's a hard one.

If you've told him your last relationship was abusive then no I absolutely would not go.

Never tell men about past abuse early on. It tells them your boundaries aren't where they should be right now. So if they are similar beasts to your ex (which they all to often are) it puts you at risk.

If you just said it was a break up and you're not ready to date then it might be OK.

But tbh I'd be inclined to give it a miss. Keep his number for when you are recovered and have done plenty of work on spotting abusers. Maybe then if he's single you can go out.

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 18:29

MumLass · 08/07/2023 18:08

Coming back with an update. I bottled out of meeting him in June and I was sure that our chatting would fizzle out as he’d be fed up of just chatting on WhatsApp forever. It didn’t, he’s continued to be friendly and considerate. Today we finally met up for a coffee and a walk, and them another coffee before we went home. The time flew by, and bloody hell he’s gorgeous 🙈 we got caught in a massive thunderstorm on our walk, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. I still reminded him twice it’s ‘not a date’ though. After today I really want to see him again!

Sounds lovely.

Just be careful!

Lots of people are lovely...in the beginning.

JMSA · 08/07/2023 18:31

No, no, no, no, NO.
You won't be able to shake him off with a shitty stick. Honestly, speaking as a seasoned dater, staying friends with a guy you don't want to date is NEVER a good idea. He will always be living in hope of something more. It's desperate and they need to be cut loose.

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 18:32

Think of the throbbing erection he gets every time he speaks to you then ask yourself the same question

JMSA · 08/07/2023 18:37

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 18:32

Think of the throbbing erection he gets every time he speaks to you then ask yourself the same question

Ewwww! In some cases, it's definitely true though.

Cutting off a guy you're not romantically interested in is an act of being cruel to be kind!

Original poster
MumLass · 08/07/2023 19:10

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 18:32

Think of the throbbing erection he gets every time he speaks to you then ask yourself the same question

oh! hm, maybe not

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/07/2023 21:28

MumLass · 08/07/2023 18:08

Coming back with an update. I bottled out of meeting him in June and I was sure that our chatting would fizzle out as he’d be fed up of just chatting on WhatsApp forever. It didn’t, he’s continued to be friendly and considerate. Today we finally met up for a coffee and a walk, and them another coffee before we went home. The time flew by, and bloody hell he’s gorgeous 🙈 we got caught in a massive thunderstorm on our walk, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. I still reminded him twice it’s ‘not a date’ though. After today I really want to see him again!

But why do you want to see him again if it wasn't a date? That's not fair on him.

Original poster
MumLass · 08/07/2023 21:30

JMSA · 08/07/2023 21:28

But why do you want to see him again if it wasn't a date? That's not fair on him.

Show quote history

Because I enjoyed his company? He’s an adult, fully informed that I’m not ready to venture into dating yet. I’m not leading him on, so in what way is it unfair?

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/07/2023 22:19

Fair enough, but I think I'd be wondering why you were on the apps if not ready for dating. He'll develop feelings and it could get messy in that respect, but you can't be responsible for that if upfront from the beginning.

Original poster
MumLass · 08/07/2023 22:25

JMSA · 08/07/2023 22:19

Fair enough, but I think I'd be wondering why you were on the apps if not ready for dating. He'll develop feelings and it could get messy in that respect, but you can't be responsible for that if upfront from the beginning.

True but I did explain to him that going on the app was a mistake, a spur of the moment thing and I’ve deleted it now. He knows all that.

OP posts:
gannett · 08/07/2023 23:09

It's pretty common for an OLD match to turn into a platonic friendship. You match with each other precisely because you have many things in common. If there's no chemistry you still have those things in common.

You've been as clear as you can be that you don't want a relationship, which is what you owe him. If he still wants more, you deal with that when you actually find it - you don't need to speculate and cut him off in advance. If he doesn't want more, it sounds like it could be a great friendship.

Personally I think the more good people you have in your life the better.

WtP · 09/07/2023 10:13

gannett · 08/07/2023 23:09

It's pretty common for an OLD match to turn into a platonic friendship. You match with each other precisely because you have many things in common. If there's no chemistry you still have those things in common.

You've been as clear as you can be that you don't want a relationship, which is what you owe him. If he still wants more, you deal with that when you actually find it - you don't need to speculate and cut him off in advance. If he doesn't want more, it sounds like it could be a great friendship.

Personally I think the more good people you have in your life the better.

Very wise words gannet

Also an update on my situation, I'm now dating someone else who is fine with my being friends with previous & I'm still good friends with my previous date so like you say I have an extra friend 😊

JMSA · 09/07/2023 10:31

It will be interesting to see who is right in due course, so please keep us posted OP!
In my experience, remaining friends with OLD dates doesn't work at all. They tend to start messaging every other day, as a boyfriend would! They never stop holding a flame, so there's an imbalance in the 'friendship'. They can find it harder to maintain boundaries, so you end up shaking them off anyway.
Time will tell Smile
But I hope it all works out!

GentlemanJay · 09/07/2023 10:38

Either playing the long game or genuine.

I met two ladies around lockdown on OLD. We've never so much as held hands but I've had the most amazing days out and weekends away with them. We've even gone out as a three with their children to the theatre and as a three walking.

No long game for me. I don't fancy them.

Parisj · 09/07/2023 11:08

The thing is, there IS chemistry, you find him attractive. So it's a question of whether you are ready to find yourself in something new, however slowly.

JMSA · 09/07/2023 11:15

Parisj · 09/07/2023 11:08

The thing is, there IS chemistry, you find him attractive. So it's a question of whether you are ready to find yourself in something new, however slowly.

There's no way 4 months is long enough after an abusive relationship.
I'm sorry, but it's just not.

JMSA · 09/07/2023 11:30

And in fairness to the OP, she seems to know that.

mondaytosunday · 09/07/2023 11:52

Yes, I became friends with a guy I met (not online but through an introduction agency). I didn't fancy him, nor him me, but we had a fun night and a lot in common. So we just became friends! We both eventually got married (to people we met through the agency) so inevitably we got busy but for a long time we saw each other most weeks for lunch or a museum visit etc.

Pieceofpurplesky · 09/07/2023 11:57

I still have one as a friend - he has gone on to get married but still a friend

Original poster
MumLass · 09/07/2023 17:51

I do find him attractive. Until yesterday I didn’t know if I would when we met in person but in the flesh, hell yes I do. I’ve been so conflicted all day. We’ve swapped a few messages today, just jokey stuff. I think I need to back it off. It’s too soon and I don’t think I can trust myself to stick to friendship when he makes my heart flutter!

OP posts:
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