Husband lying again and Ithrown a grenade!

[Looley]

Husband of 7 years and we have DC 4 years . It has been a rough ride for both of us (SC involved , family didn’t blend , nightmare MIL against us from the start, disapproving of our having a DC together. I have a DC from a previous relationship. Tensions all round but SC have grown and now have their own lives . Have NC with toxic MIL. Husband and I have had many tumultuous times on the way very hard on both of us.
However he is a liar. He has lied about past relationships (for fear of looking bad) , lied to my parents (to make him look good) , but lied to me about his Will. He told me he’d left everything to me (I queried this and said nothing to your children ? And he said no they don’t need anything . This was during an argument over lack of a shared bank account . I didn’t push it - but years later we had a nasty row and our DC got caught up in it. He was physically violent and I nearly left him. My DC nearly called the police .
He had left it all to his mother instead . He said his plan was to leave it to me once he had bought his mother a house (which she lost in a previous divorce of his - wife of 22 years left him and took 4 DC with her ) . But he never did. He drew the Will up but for some reason never signed it. This has shattered my trust in him which due to the row was very fragile. He took counselling on my insistence and we haven’t towed like that since .
i told him never to lie to me again. He has now made a better Will and transferred assets into my name as I don’t trust him not to change his Will behind my back.
fast forward to a few days ago and I find another lie. About not having seen SC and their BF at our house whilst I was out. I asked nicely had he managed to see anyone over the weekend and he said no. But they called . Then an elaborate ruse over how they had maybe mentioned the BF’s name ..can’t remember… you know how I am with names etc, then the next day I asked - nobody round at all? Nope (looks at me as if I’m mad for suggesting it ). Again day after . I saw messages which told me not only had they visited but had beers with the BF so of course he knew his name and probably a whole lot more . He repeatedly lied and made me feel like an alien with two heads for suggesting anybody had been round. Well I got proof and then he admitted it .
but he was angry cross and not remotely sorry to see how hurt and upset I was that he lied repeatable and if I hadn’t had proof convincingly.
I said that’s it I’m leaving I can’t trust someone who lies . He offered to help me by booking a van for my stuff (calm and cool as if he’s being kind and helpful, not sorry ) . He says he can’t be honest about his SC as he knows they give me anxiety . But he has told me before and I’m happy he sees them just happy I’m not there tbh after all that has happened . I do have anxiety around them and I can withdraw because I worry what new drama will come off the back of their visits . DH had a lot of guilt around the SC.
so I handed my notice in at work the next day because there was no great outpouring of grief about my bag packing . Or being sorry for lying .
I can’t easily take this back! It will be a nightmare to get another job . We are not rich and the current climate etc . I didn’t do it lightly (I’m only part time I haven t prepared to leave I have not much saved , my mum has offered to shelter us.
I felt I had no option but to go because I love him but don’t feel I can trust a word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is sorry with flowes. I was in shock and now it has worn off a bit I reside how much I will miss our life together, I’ve built a life here and I’m leaving it all behind . My poor children will suffer (maybe my DC less so because he doesn’t really like my DH and DH can be a bit mean to him especially when I’m not there ). I feel pressure to leave now before another term at school for my DC and closer to GCSE and our little DC 4 who starts school in September I don’t want to root him out mid way. Better to do it now. Practically I worry what if something happens to
me will DH look after my DS ? If my mum gets ill (not in great health now) I want to look after her and that will be hard she refused to have DH around her (he has been so rude to her, I understand why ). I can’t even inherit my family home because he’d take half in a divorce and my mum doesn’t want that (neither do I ) so many issues . If I have life insurance, will my kids get it or will DH just take it ? I just don’t trust him financially he has some very fancy footwork . He is no fool and has probably hidden assets from me just in case (after his last acrimonious divorce I suppose I don’t blame him).
so am I over reacting. ? I’m perimenopausal. I can’t believe I quit the job I love and I do t think they’ll have me back. Probably glad to have fewer staff costs . Feels like I’m on a train I can’t stop. It has shocked my DH though I don’t think he thought I was serious about leaving he thought a bunch of flowers would do the trick the next day. He is sorry now and understand why I can’t trust him but not exactly crawling on his knees begging me to stay. He does seem sad and says he spend t want to stop me going if that’s the end .
i am terrified of maki g the wrong decision, leaving and regretting it , always wondering what if . Turning my DC’s worlds upside down. Leaving an area I like living in and feeling. Lonely . I’m 48 and worry if history repeats itself and we leave later on I’ll be in the scrap heap and won’t find anyone again. What if nobody is perfect and this is as good as it gets ? It’s so hard as I still love him and loved our marriage , but he has done so much damage with lying how can I love someone who doesn’t respect me with the truth or trust ? We haven’t touched or slept together for months and I’m ok with that because it’s the only way I have with coping whilst I deal with the lying.
whar should I do ? If only I didn’t love him it would be a no brainier . Please help I’m in shock and not sure im doing the right thing …

You need to separate. This is a mess. He is abusive. Your older child suffers because of him and I bet your joint child does.

You are now making life decisions, like quitting your job, to provoke him to beg you to stay? I don’t understand why you quit your job, or what that was meant to achieve.

You wanted him to beg you to stay? Why? How is it fair that your kids grow up in this awful household and toxic situation?

You need some professional support, because I don’t see what you or your kids would miss out on.

He's been violent, mean to your oldest DC, and tells lies. Why would you want to stay? This all reads like a very unhealthy relationship that you're best off out of.

not sure why your teaching your child to accept this

He’s a shit and in staying with him, and accepting his crumbs, you’re telling yourself that you don’t deserve any better. You do. Time to put on your big girl pants and stand up for yourself.

talk to work, see if you can retract the notice. That will give you clarity on your financial position, which is most pressing.

make an appointment with a solicitor - don’t tell him you’re doing it.

now is the time to work out your options away from him. You can do this 💪

If you stay, this won't be the last of his lies, I'm sure he will have a lot more in store for you as he knows you too well.

Why did you leave a job that you love? That will have just put you in a more vulnerable position.

I don't understand why you quit your job but go to your moms.

If your names on that home you can split assets in a way that DM's home is yours and he gets something else.

Your poor children are growing up around abuse. It's time to leave. Better to be poor than scared.

You need to accept that this is who he is! Waiting and pulling stunts to provoke him to being different is a waste of your time. You should have left when he was being to your son.

I got stuck at hes mean to your dc when you aren’t around. You’ve done the right thing

You both sound like utter loons and he is an abusive cunt on top. Just get away from him and be done with it. This whole situation is fucking ridiculous.

This is so confusing. What I would say is why do you think he lied to you about his dc visiting? Is his dc not allowed to visit? Also, what’s the deal about the will? If you own the house jointly, then he can’t will it to anyone else because it’s yous if he dies first and vice versa.
You chose to stay with him after he was violent towards you, was that matter resolved? It sounds like a whole can of worms and perhaps the pair of you will be better living apart.

I don't even have words for how awful you've made your life sound.

Why would you want to stay in all this toxicity and drama?

Like others I really don't get why, when you'd decided to leave, you quit your job?

Get legal advice and divorce. Life insurance is a named person and inheritance if you start the process can be excluded (plus if you start now the divorce should be done)

your children sound caught up in it leave him

I left my job to go and live with mum she lives 2.5 hours away . I have to give 3 months notice and our DC 4 starts school in September so I felt I had to do it now so I could sort schools near mums and get a job up there .
DH has been the main breadwinner . He has taken me and my DC on some lovely holidays . He used to be good with my DC but he is extra hard on him sometimes I think because he is a bit resentful my DC is still with me but his are not because of our marriage and their refusal to accept it .
when we had our toxic row, he was under a huge amount of pressure and finding it hard with the DC creating . He does have some emotional issues . He has learned to manage those mostly but it is true if we fall out he tends to take it out on my DC a bit yes. He told him he was pathetic once and my DC has not forgotten it , neither have I . I had to make him apologise . He can be kind too and has been . It started out well. The difference is my DC wanted him and the other SC and called him Dad. His kids rejected me and DC . It’s been hard on them I understand but they are bitter and resentful or have been . Since they no longer mix with us (believe me i tried ) life has been much more peaceful but it’s hard on DH .
I moved into my DH’s house , so my name isn’t on it . I haven’t inherited mums house it’s just what won’t happen if she died and I was still married . Sorry to be confusing I haven’t slept for days .
its hard when you love someone and there are children involved . Our little DC loves his dad .

This is a total nightmare but you sound like you are making very poor decisions.

I'm assuming you are married - in this case the solution if as follows

contact a solicitor take instructions and file for a divorce
he can’t order you out of a marital home - and I’d advise you normally to stay put but in this case I feel you need mental emotional and physical support.
go to your mums - take all of your stuff and the children’s stuff - anything purchased by you both is 50/50 yours and the children
if you can prove he bought his mum a house with your marital assets you have a good claim

cut contact with him except over collection arrangements for the DC

contact your job and explain you are going through a divorce and could you have a two week sabbatical and apologise for resigning.

disentagle from this toxic mess and get counselling it sounds like you want him to beg you to stay - believe me this sounds very toxic

then file for a divorce take 50/50 of all assets knowing this is to protect yourself

you can always protect yourself get your mum to write a will leaving house to your children and nothing to you!

It doesn’t matter you are married it is your marital home

@Tiswa life insurance beneficiaries would both be minors if I died before they turned 18 - and so if DH was responsible for looking after them he could claim the money . I’d have to try and leave it in trust to them but the trustee has ultimate power to use the money how they see fit and distribute it accordingly and I don’t know anyone I could give that level of trust to . Legally it would be very difficult to keep it from DH as he could say he needed the money for the children’s living expenses etc . It’s awful I even think this way isn’t it .

Your poor child. My home was like this growing up and I've needed a decade of therapy!

Just get out of there

@TheCheeseTray thank you for your reply. Mum has left the house to my DC to avoid it getting involved in a divorce settlement if we spilt . However this isn’t ideal as every time I need money to pay for bits round the house for example (as I’d be looking after it realistically) the solicitors take a huge chunk of money . She has included the caveat that I have the right to live in it, even if my DC owns it , should I need to .

Of course your joint children would need your dh to look after them if you died! Whether your life insurance is left to him or to them is your decision though.

Regarding your house, you say it was his house before you met - what happened to your house? Are you expecting half of the equity in the house if you divorce? Don’t forget, all financial assets and debts will be included in the financial order - savings, pensions, loans etc. And it’s not automatically 50/50. Taking your dc to live so far away from his father could also be an issue - your dh could apply to the court for residency.

Your dm hasn’t died yet! She may well need to sell the house to pay for care fees - there may well end up being no money left for her to leave.
Leaving a house to children isn’t straightforward. Those children lose their first time buyer status, so it will cost them much more if they want to buy whilst you’re still alive.

When I found out about his real will, he put his mothers house (paid for outright by taking a mortgage out on our marital home) in my name in the land registry and his mother and I both signed a trust document to say she could live in it in perpetuity, as long as she looked after the fabric of the house and paid the bills. I didn’t want her to feel vulnerable and I just wanted security if he died I’d have something guaranteed. He also left our marital home in Trust to me . He pays the mortgage all bills etc and if he dies I get it . I did that because I said when he finally did make a Will leaving all to me , I said I couldn’t trust him that he wouldn’t just change it later on eg if we had an argument .

No she hasn’t and we are very close I don’t want her to! But she is unwell. She wouldn’t want to go into a care home. I’d want to look after her if possible in her own home . Her estate would be worth a lot, so I think the children would be ok. I hadn’t thought about her selling it for care fees .