Husband lying again and Ithrown a grenade!

[Looley]

Husband of 7 years and we have DC 4 years . It has been a rough ride for both of us (SC involved , family didn’t blend , nightmare MIL against us from the start, disapproving of our having a DC together. I have a DC from a previous relationship. Tensions all round but SC have grown and now have their own lives . Have NC with toxic MIL. Husband and I have had many tumultuous times on the way very hard on both of us.
However he is a liar. He has lied about past relationships (for fear of looking bad) , lied to my parents (to make him look good) , but lied to me about his Will. He told me he’d left everything to me (I queried this and said nothing to your children ? And he said no they don’t need anything . This was during an argument over lack of a shared bank account . I didn’t push it - but years later we had a nasty row and our DC got caught up in it. He was physically violent and I nearly left him. My DC nearly called the police .
He had left it all to his mother instead . He said his plan was to leave it to me once he had bought his mother a house (which she lost in a previous divorce of his - wife of 22 years left him and took 4 DC with her ) . But he never did. He drew the Will up but for some reason never signed it. This has shattered my trust in him which due to the row was very fragile. He took counselling on my insistence and we haven’t towed like that since .
i told him never to lie to me again. He has now made a better Will and transferred assets into my name as I don’t trust him not to change his Will behind my back.
fast forward to a few days ago and I find another lie. About not having seen SC and their BF at our house whilst I was out. I asked nicely had he managed to see anyone over the weekend and he said no. But they called . Then an elaborate ruse over how they had maybe mentioned the BF’s name ..can’t remember… you know how I am with names etc, then the next day I asked - nobody round at all? Nope (looks at me as if I’m mad for suggesting it ). Again day after . I saw messages which told me not only had they visited but had beers with the BF so of course he knew his name and probably a whole lot more . He repeatedly lied and made me feel like an alien with two heads for suggesting anybody had been round. Well I got proof and then he admitted it .
but he was angry cross and not remotely sorry to see how hurt and upset I was that he lied repeatable and if I hadn’t had proof convincingly.
I said that’s it I’m leaving I can’t trust someone who lies . He offered to help me by booking a van for my stuff (calm and cool as if he’s being kind and helpful, not sorry ) . He says he can’t be honest about his SC as he knows they give me anxiety . But he has told me before and I’m happy he sees them just happy I’m not there tbh after all that has happened . I do have anxiety around them and I can withdraw because I worry what new drama will come off the back of their visits . DH had a lot of guilt around the SC.
so I handed my notice in at work the next day because there was no great outpouring of grief about my bag packing . Or being sorry for lying .
I can’t easily take this back! It will be a nightmare to get another job . We are not rich and the current climate etc . I didn’t do it lightly (I’m only part time I haven t prepared to leave I have not much saved , my mum has offered to shelter us.
I felt I had no option but to go because I love him but don’t feel I can trust a word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is sorry with flowes. I was in shock and now it has worn off a bit I reside how much I will miss our life together, I’ve built a life here and I’m leaving it all behind . My poor children will suffer (maybe my DC less so because he doesn’t really like my DH and DH can be a bit mean to him especially when I’m not there ). I feel pressure to leave now before another term at school for my DC and closer to GCSE and our little DC 4 who starts school in September I don’t want to root him out mid way. Better to do it now. Practically I worry what if something happens to
me will DH look after my DS ? If my mum gets ill (not in great health now) I want to look after her and that will be hard she refused to have DH around her (he has been so rude to her, I understand why ). I can’t even inherit my family home because he’d take half in a divorce and my mum doesn’t want that (neither do I ) so many issues . If I have life insurance, will my kids get it or will DH just take it ? I just don’t trust him financially he has some very fancy footwork . He is no fool and has probably hidden assets from me just in case (after his last acrimonious divorce I suppose I don’t blame him).
so am I over reacting. ? I’m perimenopausal. I can’t believe I quit the job I love and I do t think they’ll have me back. Probably glad to have fewer staff costs . Feels like I’m on a train I can’t stop. It has shocked my DH though I don’t think he thought I was serious about leaving he thought a bunch of flowers would do the trick the next day. He is sorry now and understand why I can’t trust him but not exactly crawling on his knees begging me to stay. He does seem sad and says he spend t want to stop me going if that’s the end .
i am terrified of maki g the wrong decision, leaving and regretting it , always wondering what if . Turning my DC’s worlds upside down. Leaving an area I like living in and feeling. Lonely . I’m 48 and worry if history repeats itself and we leave later on I’ll be in the scrap heap and won’t find anyone again. What if nobody is perfect and this is as good as it gets ? It’s so hard as I still love him and loved our marriage , but he has done so much damage with lying how can I love someone who doesn’t respect me with the truth or trust ? We haven’t touched or slept together for months and I’m ok with that because it’s the only way I have with coping whilst I deal with the lying.
whar should I do ? If only I didn’t love him it would be a no brainier . Please help I’m in shock and not sure im doing the right thing …

This marriage is entirely toxic. Both of you are. The house you live in is a shared asset. You talk about him hiding assets and yet you are doing exactly the same. Getting your mum to do a will leaving it to the kids. Which will probably negatively impact the kids when they are adults and they wouldn’t be able to access their inheritance until you die anyway.

If you left him, you wouldn’t have to give him half of future inheritance. Given your mum is alive there’s nothing to give him.

You want him to raise your joint child and a child that isn’t his, if you die but you don’t want him having any financial support in the situation. Which is really shitty. I get he is shitty. I am not denying that. But it sounds like you have similar behaviour.

i don’t know if he is toxic (he is definitely an abuser) and you have got wrapped up in the drama and creating it as well, but the poor kids stuck in this. It’s like you are both trying to see who can put do the other one.

Your kids are living in an abusive household, for money, by the sounds of it.

Just get divorced. It’s a short marriage but you have a child so you will get some equity from the house. But stop ruining your children by raising them in this household.

Theres an awful lot of talk about wills, both your mothers and your 'd'h. I dpnt even know what my mother's will says, nor would I be interested to know...I dont understand why this is such a focus

I was very upset about his Will but figured he did at least put /leave the house in trust /MIL house in my name . He keeps telling me he just feels
like a caretaker for our marital home now (which was his outright before I moved in with him).
he says he feels it was a bit emasculating. But he did it to keep me.
yes
i Suppose I want him to plead with me to stay to show it matters to him . As I believe any man who really wants a woman will do when the chips are down. I know I would . I felt detemined to leave but then think of all the good times , the extenuating circumstances .

he has found it difficult to even talk about the SC as he knows it makes me anxious and I get defensive . But that was a while ago. I’m less engaged now . I found detaching myself was the only way to cope . Yes he has been verbally abusive. He can be mean and controlling . However there is a good side to him. He can be charming and very romantic . Always there to help if you’re stuck on the motorway. Never cheated (this I do believe ) but the lying is hard as when confronted he did t say ‘oh yes , you’re right , I’m sorry I just find it hard to tell you’ he lied so convincingly and was digging his heels in about it like how could I even think anyone had been around ?
I go up every other weekend to look after my mum and take the children . He finds this hard as he doesn’t come too and is left on his own . He says this is a lot to be seeing her . MIL is right round the corner he hardly ever goes. He says it’s hard he can’t take our DC to meet his SC or MIL . He knows I would be very unhappy with this as they never wanted us to have DC and MiL wasn’t impressed took her 6 months to even mention DC in a xmas card . No joy at the birth there ! She has said sorry for being jealous of me . I tried so hard with her too. I took our baby round to visit once after he was born and that’s been it, I didn’t want her anywhere near me or little one to be honest DH I’d right but I know it’s not fair I get to take the kids to my mum he doesn’t his. Difference is my mum has been nothing but lovely and supporvie and delights in DC .

He sounds terrible, but really...it seems between hints that you expressed unhappiness with his kids being round, and now he doesnt see them? You don't like him taking your joint dc to his own mothers house or to meet his other children? If you died you wouldn't want him to have the money to care for his and your children?

Actually that’s not fair . It was my mum
who told me she’d left the house to my DC as she wanted me to know and I was fine with that I want my dc to be looked after most of all. It was because she never liked my DH and didn’t want him to benefit from it whatsoever. I love the house dearly . My dad who is dead now built it with his own hands . It has so many memories , ashes . It is part of my parents and I love the place it’s not to do with money . But once with a lying spouse you’d start to wonder just how secure you are with them. I asked about his Will because I needed to see how he really felt about me and he mentioned it not me - Saying I’d get everything anyway . And not being honest . I’m not after his money I just want love and trust .

No you’re right it’s awful isn’t it. But this is how I’m thinking because I worry . I expected us to look after each other but I feel vulnerable not secure and I just want to make sure my DC are ok if I died .

I divorced my dh for lying.. The matter of the lies were important but more so he was taking the piss.. Like your dh imo. Op you talk a lot about death.... Maybe think about how you want this life to be also. And staying the fuck away from him is my advice..

DH is very asset rich he would cope fine . I worry if I died he wouldn’t look after my DC. He wouldn’t help him financially . Yes there are unfair issues around DC but you don’t know the half of their antics and MIL .

You said he was physically violent. Your child was involved in this. Your child is being abused so someone helps you if you are stuck on the motorway?

You actually sound abusive too. The problem with his children and not allowing him to take his child to meet them. Not allowing the child to visit their grandmother. These things are not your decision.

Of course his children were upset by another child turning up and starting to call their Dad 'Dad'. That's entirely normal. You using your anxiety around his kids to separate him from them, is controlling. You don't have to be around them. But your shared child is shared. If he wants to spend to time with all his kids, that's his choice.

I really wonder what the mils and the adult children's pov of this is.

I have been abused. Its awful and confusing. But there comes a point where if you stay you are condoning the abuse of your child. And that's where you are now. But want to stay because of money and wills and, if he begs, will keep allowing your children to eb abused.

This whole thing is that awful I am hoping it's not true.

Oh and I would never beg someone to be with me. Why would anyone?

It is fair. You are potentially causing more issues for your kids when they are older and planning on living in the house, even though its in their name.

Because both you and your mother don't want him inheriting it any part of it. While being angry about what you feel you should be able to inherit from him.

You want his assets to be shared and you to have benefit if he dies or divorce. But you don't want your assets to benefit.

Being married to a liar is awful. But you know he is a liar. You are now trying to play him at his own game and hide assets. But still want him to beg you to stay and playing games to get him to do that.

Being married to a liar is awful. But you are actively choosing to stay. You could divorce and inheritance your mums house direct. But you want to stay.

The whole thing sounds toxic but it sounds like he's afraid to tell you he's seen his kids because of the way you behave. That is bound to cause major resentment.

What a load of old tosh

Divorce him and take what the solicitor thinks you will get.

Then move on as he is toxic

I also had to leave my job when I left my abusive x as I had to prioritise the alternative roof over my head that was available over remaining in that job. There are other jobs. Get away first. Accept this situation for the shit show it is. Do not waste another minute trying to make him be a better person. Wishing you strength, insight and peace! And a new job when you have your new bearings. Xx

This whole saga is so confusing l got lost with all the twists and turns! But will say this, once a liar always a liar, your husband will never change so best to leave for all your childens sakes.
Also what is all this focus on Wills? If your Mum is unwell she could end up in a care home and her house will then be sold to pay the fees and care homes are very expensive. You say you wish to look after for her, so you may as well leave and live with her to ensure you have a property for you and your children if you are that concerned about assets.
Re your marriage, it sounds utterly toxic and abusive, l feel very sorry for all the children concerned who are affected by this horrible relationship.

Shocked you’re 48! You both sound very young and immature. Sounds like you got into a relationship, it wasn’t the best thing for the children but you both went ahead anyway and now you’re in this mess. Quitting your job to get him to take you seriously! You’re nearly 50 not 18! That’s ridiculous! quitting a job when you have young children is irresponsible. Stay single, focus on your children.

He's violent and he lies. Just separate. You'll never be happy together, at all. Think of all the wasted time you've spent together. You know what he's like, you have yourself to blame for staying.

Reading through all this I just think how sorry I feel for all the children involved, what a shit show from two adults who lie, fight, don't trust each other, it's all just so toxic.

What is the point in being together?

This all sounds like such a mess. And both OP and her H sound like they have deep issues. And on top of that they had years of failed blending of families and kids and in-laws upset.

OP - you seem highly anxious and self absorbed. The obsession with inheritance and making huge rows about while in your 40s is not normal. Using his will is an indication of ‘how he feels about you’ is nuts.
And demanding/being OK with him leaving nothing to his 4 kids - really? No wonder they don’t like you - if this is the kind of person you are.

Considering your mother’s inheritance is significant (as you said) - there is no reason for you to be this anxious over your financial future at all.
And of course - it’s really one sided with your making a huge deal over his inheritance while being OK with your Mom manipulating assets to your benefit.

OP - I know your life circumstances with H haven’t been easy. But - I do not think you realise that you are a highly strung and difficult person to be with. And I also think by now - peri is certainly making it all even worse. Quitting your job the day after an argument? Who does that.
Not letting your H to take your joint child to see his mother and other kids - because they didn’t approve of your relationship years ago? H isn’t the only abusive person in this relationship - you are as well. This behaviour - using your anxiety this way is controlling and emotionally abusive.
I don’t blame him for not telling you about seeing his kids while you are away. This isn’t about lying - this is his way of surviving and shielding himself from your behaviour.

At a min - both of your need counselling to deal with your issues. And - if you stay together - you need couples counselling.
You can of course move and go through divorce. But it won’t make you feel any better. You really need to get some help.

'Antics' are NOT a reason to prevent children from seeing their siblings and grandparents. Im not surprised he lied about doing that quite honestly. And with your focus on wills and inheritance I'm also not entirely surprised he lied about that either. The physical abuse has no excuse and you should have left at the time.

You said he's mean to your DC when you are not there. What else is there to say, really, come on.
Everything else is just stuff and nonsense, you've also said he's been violent . You are causing your DC a lifelong legacy of mental and emotional harm. To top it all you've given up your job to move in with your DM, now you're thinking about going back as it wasn't so bad after all. That's my understanding of your situation. It all sounds deeply chaotic and stressful for your children. Stop and have a think about them and get yourself counseling asap.

If you quit your job in the heat of the moment your employer might look at accepting your wish to rescind your notice. Also if they need someone to replace you that means more recruitment costs, training etc. Regarding leaving a marriage where you don’t trust your husband, without trust what do you have. It’s the foundation of all relationships. Tough decision to make and I’m going thru trying to decide whether to stay or go too and I’m struggling with it but I don’t trust my husband at all and it’s a terrible way to live!

This.

Put your poor kids first ffs and stop forcing them to grow up under the same roof as this shit show, for one of them with a man who takes out his adult problems on them - a child.

Staying with someone you know is mean to your child when you aren't around is heartbreaking. For the child I mean. Unbelievable. He must feel so let down.

He was physically violent and I nearly left him. My DC nearly called the police.

Nearly? Nearly?!!!

What the fuck. And you ask if it’s possible to get better than this? You’re a parent, start acting like one instead of an adolescent love struck damsel. Quitting your job was insane. You have kids you need to support. You have one who’s about to start school and you’ve created absolute chaos.

Stop banging on about bloody wills. No one’s died. It’s a huge distraction from the almighty mess you’ve both managed to bring about.

He’s horrible to your child but you love him. So?

You’ve tried to distance him from his kids cos anxiety? Jesus.

I don’t have a clue how you’re going to create some order but you really need to.