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Original poster

Baby dad / partner keeping us a secret

47 replies

rosygirl13 · 07/06/2023 18:13

Hi everyone, I need some advice.
Long story short, I got with my ex partner nearly four years ago when we were young. (I was 17, he was 19) during this time period he was very active on social media, constantly going out with friends and sharing his life, selfies etc.
When it came to me, he never shared he had a girlfriend and basically kept me a secret. One night out, he met another girl and they exchanged social medias. He then came home to me. I only found out when I went through his following list as I had my suspicions. Eventually he blocked her but only after liking several pictures. Fast forward to lockdown, he stopped seeing me, speaking to me etc. I sent a text saying how unloved I felt, how he made me feel etc and blocked him as he never replied and I was in bits with the mental mind games. Within hours he was back following her again and liking all her pictures. Two days later he went to her house and stayed over. He then lied about it to me saying he was with a friend etc and broke up with me. I was heartbroken. (I found out the truth a year later by messaging her) He still states this isn’t cheating but I think it is!!
Anyway, we got back together and he was sort of a changed man. He still NEVER posted me on social media or made it known he had a girlfriend which didn’t sit right with me. I think it’s important to show off your partner, or at least show you are in a relationship rather than looking single.
We were together for three years and now have a son. He hasn’t shared anything on his social media that he has a son. Nothing. None of his friends know he has a baby. Nobody knows he has a girlfriend either. I feel like he’s basically kept us secret for a reason, and like he’s ashamed of us both. I just don’t understand why he isn’t proud to show of his son?
Whenever I’m with him and he goes on his phone, he tilts to the side so I can’t see what he’s doing. Whenever he searches something up on social media, he again tilts to the side so I can’t see. This whole time I’ve never even held his phone as he’s so secretive with it! He puts his phone on do not disturb regularly and takes it everywhere with him.
I found out he’s been searching girls up online, and when I confronted him about it, he said ‘his friend from work matched with them on tinder so he looked them up’. Apparently he didn’t believe they were real people so felt the need to look them up? I know it’s a complete lie as tinder doesn’t show last names, and his ‘work friend’ would’ve just shown their tinder profiles. The fact he’s lied says to me there’s more in it, and I feel absolutely destroyed. Everything is slowly starting to make sense to me. Why he’s never shown me or our son off online, why he’s so secretive of his phone, why he makes me feel like absolute shit about myself and so unloved. It’s because he doesn’t want people to know he has a family. He wants to look and act single. He doesn’t want me, he’s been shopping around for something better this whole time. He works as a bar man so I can only guess what he gets up to. I feel absolutely destroyed and my confidence in tatters. I thought he only ever looked at me, only wanted me. This whole time I feel like he’s lied and was actually just like every other ex I’ve had. I’ve been cheated on by all my exes, or left for someone else and I genuinely thought he was different.
Do you think I’m over reacting? I know this post come across as childish but it’s just the lie, and the fact everything now is starting to make sense…

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/06/2023 18:27

I don’t think you’re over reacting one bit. He’s hiding you and your son for a reason, so he can pretend to be a single man

Readingisgoodforyou · 07/06/2023 18:41

No you are not overreacting for one second. He's an immature prick that probably feels as though he still needs to sow his wild oats.

As difficult as it is, you need to pick yourself up off the floor and create a life just for you and your son. Agree to some sort of contact routine, get maintenance arranged, kick him to the curb and learn to love yourself.
You deserve so much more than this piece of shit.

MMmomDD · 07/06/2023 18:42

The post is childish - but it’s because you all are barely adults. And he is clearly not ready to have a family. And it’s unclear why you thought he was the person to have kids with at the age of 20.
There is no scenario where the two of you are going to make it - and you need to realise this and grow up really quickly. Especially because you have a child you need to raise.

Stop obsessing about him and his social media. Focus on your life and on how you will be supporting you and your baby. And eventually - when you are a bit older - you’ll date again and meet someone who will be a grown up and an actual partner to you.

Wolfiefan · 07/06/2023 18:47

He’s not your partner. You’re not in his life really.

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/06/2023 18:51

I'm not sure why you had a baby with this immature arsehole?

honeyandfizz · 07/06/2023 18:51

The post is childish - but it’s because you all are barely adults. And he is clearly not ready to have a family. And it’s unclear why you thought he was the person to have kids with at the age of 20.

How is this of any help or relevance to the OP? Does it make you feel better @MMmomDD?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 07/06/2023 18:51

MMmomDD · 07/06/2023 18:42

The post is childish - but it’s because you all are barely adults. And he is clearly not ready to have a family. And it’s unclear why you thought he was the person to have kids with at the age of 20.
There is no scenario where the two of you are going to make it - and you need to realise this and grow up really quickly. Especially because you have a child you need to raise.

Stop obsessing about him and his social media. Focus on your life and on how you will be supporting you and your baby. And eventually - when you are a bit older - you’ll date again and meet someone who will be a grown up and an actual partner to you.

Sorry. I agree with this. Cannot understand why you decided to bring a poor child into what was already a disastrous 'relationship'. Also do not understand why anyone uses the term 'Baby dad'.

PurBal · 07/06/2023 18:52

He sounds like a dick. For the secrecy and ignoring you. But sharing pictures of partner or child is definitely a personal choice. DH doesn’t use SM so I don’t share photos of him; and the first time anyone on SM found out I have children is when someone posted a photo of me 38w pregnant with my second at a wedding. All the congratulations and I realised these people didn’t know I already had a baby. I post regularly, just about other stuff like hobbies and books.

PurBal · 07/06/2023 18:53

And I also agree with @MMmomDD

NotaCoolMum · 07/06/2023 18:55

“ I thought he only ever looked at me, only wanted me”

this isn’t true though is it? You knew he was no good the first time you split up. He’s no good for you or your baby. He clearly is up to some kind of crap. Get rid.

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/06/2023 19:04

Like other posters, I'm struggling to see the bit where having a baby with this Man was a good idea, but what's done is done now. Sadly your child is saddled with this lying waste of space for the rest of his life, but you can cut your losses now, get rid, get a sensible grown up agreement in place in terms of finance and contact (if he wants it, which I ultimately doubt) for your shared child, and move on with your life as a single or co-parent.

For gods sake don't stay with him and let your Son grow up to think this is a normal relationship.

babyproblems · 07/06/2023 19:11

Honestly this is insanity. Please leave this man, and move on from this whole thing. He’s obviously a complete dick, way way way too immature for a relationship let alone capable of being a father. He’s a terrible, dysfunctional example to your son. Please show him better and leave this waste of space. You’re worth more. I wonder if you have low self esteem op- most people would run a mile from this. Of course you’re not being unreasonable! His behaviour is nasty and abusive. This is so toxic for you and your son and is not acceptable. Live your life without this wanker in it. Good luck xx

Original poster
rosygirl13 · 07/06/2023 19:12

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 07/06/2023 18:51

Sorry. I agree with this. Cannot understand why you decided to bring a poor child into what was already a disastrous 'relationship'. Also do not understand why anyone uses the term 'Baby dad'.

Show quote history

What else would you like me to refer to him as? The father of my child? Absolutely not. He is no ‘father’ so yes, I refer to him as that for reference. A sperm donor in fact would’ve been better. Because believe it or not, I believed we didn’t have a complete disaster of a relationship. I believed we were in love, regardless of age, and had the wool pulled over my eyes as many other women do. We lived together, spent every day together, so yes, when I found out I was pregnant I was happy and excited for the next part of our lives. I genuinely thought he was my life long partner but I don’t have to explain my reasoning to you!!!! You sound absolutely miserable to insult my child.

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 07/06/2023 19:15

He's a horrible man, don't keep yourself and your child as his dirty little secret. Tag him as the Dad on social media if you think he's passing himself off as childless, if you want to go down that route.
Get on with life and you'll find a better partner. He is not the one, he's shameful.

ShanghaiDiva · 07/06/2023 19:19

He is not ashamed of you, he doesn’t put details on social media because he is presenting himself as single and available.
does his family know about you? Does your child have a relationship with their paternal grandparents?

Original poster
rosygirl13 · 07/06/2023 19:21

MMmomDD · 07/06/2023 18:42

The post is childish - but it’s because you all are barely adults. And he is clearly not ready to have a family. And it’s unclear why you thought he was the person to have kids with at the age of 20.
There is no scenario where the two of you are going to make it - and you need to realise this and grow up really quickly. Especially because you have a child you need to raise.

Stop obsessing about him and his social media. Focus on your life and on how you will be supporting you and your baby. And eventually - when you are a bit older - you’ll date again and meet someone who will be a grown up and an actual partner to you.

Please don’t assume because I am young, I am childish and incapable of raising my son. He does, and always has come first. Recently his dad has just came back into his life, and I thought I was doing what was best by giving him two parents who were together. I tried to make it work by being a family. Stupidly I now know that was wrong and I’m so angry with myself for giving him another chance yet again to ‘change’. Luckily my son is still a few months old so is none the wiser.

I had no other option but to stalk his social media. He is extremely private, and secretive. I NEEDED some sort of proof for how I have been feeling. I needed to know I’m not crazy, and my gut feeling was right as to why he’s so secretive. I know this post comes across as childish. I don’t need you to twist the knife in further. I just wanted an opinion on whether he’s behaviour is normal, or whether I’m overreacting by deciding to cut him out our lives for GOOD. I believe there’s no smoke without fire and he’s been up to much worse, hence why I felt the need to turn to Mumsnet.

OP posts:
ShanghaiDiva · 07/06/2023 19:23

His behaviour is not normal and the only sensible decision is to end your relationship with him.

Original poster
rosygirl13 · 07/06/2023 19:23

NotaCoolMum · 07/06/2023 18:55

“ I thought he only ever looked at me, only wanted me”

this isn’t true though is it? You knew he was no good the first time you split up. He’s no good for you or your baby. He clearly is up to some kind of crap. Get rid.

I suppose I believed he changed as it was years ago, and he did change most of his behaviour after we got back together all them years ago… clearly not. So jokes on me.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/06/2023 19:24

You did have an option. There are so many different choices you could have made. About who to have a child with and how to react to his behaviour. But it’s too late now. All you can do is move forwards.

Original poster
rosygirl13 · 07/06/2023 19:26

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies. It goes without saying if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I’m well aware of the situation at hand and have ended things for good. Obviously I’m heartbroken as all I wanted for my baby was a family, and I have given him so many chances to change. It’s just upsetting to know I essentially wasn’t good enough and neither was my son. I’ve had the wool pulled over my eyes this whole time and was so trusting towards someone I never should’ve been.

OP posts:
YinYogi · 07/06/2023 19:32

This guy sounds like a complete time waster. Focus on your child and forget about this loser. If he wants a relationship he can put the effort in. But as far as ‘partner’ material - dodge this bullet asap!

YinYogi · 07/06/2023 19:32

*relationship with his son

Wolfiefan · 07/06/2023 19:32

It’s not that you weren’t good enough. He isn’t.

sIowhand · 07/06/2023 19:36

Hi OP - similar situation I had a baby with someone who turned out to be a massive waste of space who also kept myself and our baby a secret. I'm now a single mum to a 14 month old and although it's hard sometimes I definitely made the right decision to go solo. I came from a broken home and really did not want the same for my baby but when you fall for a wrongen it's important that you show your child how you should and shouldn't be treated. All the best Flowers

Cydonia · 07/06/2023 19:38

I don’t think you’re overreacting, this is not a normal relationship. Do you live together? Was he excited about being a dad? Does he get involved with helping to look after his child? Or does he just pop in and out of your lives when he feels like it?
Sounds like your confidence has taken a knock, do you have friends or family close by to support you?