Baby dad / partner keeping us a secret

[rosygirl13]

Hi everyone, I need some advice.
Long story short, I got with my ex partner nearly four years ago when we were young. (I was 17, he was 19) during this time period he was very active on social media, constantly going out with friends and sharing his life, selfies etc.
When it came to me, he never shared he had a girlfriend and basically kept me a secret. One night out, he met another girl and they exchanged social medias. He then came home to me. I only found out when I went through his following list as I had my suspicions. Eventually he blocked her but only after liking several pictures. Fast forward to lockdown, he stopped seeing me, speaking to me etc. I sent a text saying how unloved I felt, how he made me feel etc and blocked him as he never replied and I was in bits with the mental mind games. Within hours he was back following her again and liking all her pictures. Two days later he went to her house and stayed over. He then lied about it to me saying he was with a friend etc and broke up with me. I was heartbroken. (I found out the truth a year later by messaging her) He still states this isn’t cheating but I think it is!!
Anyway, we got back together and he was sort of a changed man. He still NEVER posted me on social media or made it known he had a girlfriend which didn’t sit right with me. I think it’s important to show off your partner, or at least show you are in a relationship rather than looking single.
We were together for three years and now have a son. He hasn’t shared anything on his social media that he has a son. Nothing. None of his friends know he has a baby. Nobody knows he has a girlfriend either. I feel like he’s basically kept us secret for a reason, and like he’s ashamed of us both. I just don’t understand why he isn’t proud to show of his son?
Whenever I’m with him and he goes on his phone, he tilts to the side so I can’t see what he’s doing. Whenever he searches something up on social media, he again tilts to the side so I can’t see. This whole time I’ve never even held his phone as he’s so secretive with it! He puts his phone on do not disturb regularly and takes it everywhere with him.
I found out he’s been searching girls up online, and when I confronted him about it, he said ‘his friend from work matched with them on tinder so he looked them up’. Apparently he didn’t believe they were real people so felt the need to look them up? I know it’s a complete lie as tinder doesn’t show last names, and his ‘work friend’ would’ve just shown their tinder profiles. The fact he’s lied says to me there’s more in it, and I feel absolutely destroyed. Everything is slowly starting to make sense to me. Why he’s never shown me or our son off online, why he’s so secretive of his phone, why he makes me feel like absolute shit about myself and so unloved. It’s because he doesn’t want people to know he has a family. He wants to look and act single. He doesn’t want me, he’s been shopping around for something better this whole time. He works as a bar man so I can only guess what he gets up to. I feel absolutely destroyed and my confidence in tatters. I thought he only ever looked at me, only wanted me. This whole time I feel like he’s lied and was actually just like every other ex I’ve had. I’ve been cheated on by all my exes, or left for someone else and I genuinely thought he was different.
Do you think I’m over reacting? I know this post come across as childish but it’s just the lie, and the fact everything now is starting to make sense…

Sorry but this man is either - just doing as he pleases and looking elsewhere and doesn’t really care for you and / or he has a wife / girlfriend and you are the other woman. You need to get rid - you sound very young and you can’t afford to be weak and beholden to this man as a mum . Do you have a good support network with your family
to see you through?

We did live together for just over two years. We stopped when I broke up with him when I was still pregnant, and both moved back home. No he wasn’t really excited, he was shocked when I found out and then upset when we found out the baby was a boy. He never showed any excitement really. He’s definitely not a hands on dad, nor is he a ‘good’ dad. He sort of just acts like a robot towards him because he feels like he has to in front of his family. He has no idea how to deal with him, settle him etc. He sees him strictly as a possession against me. He’s more a ‘holiday’ dad, and likes the good parts ie when baby isn’t crying, cuddling him etc. He just puts on a massive front really. He doesn’t pop in and out as he pleases either as he likes to pretend he’s an amazing dad, and I’m an unreasonable bitch that keeps him from his son!

Gosh OP you are so young, you have so much life ahead of you.
You sound like a wonderful mum, from the outset yes it does sound immature/childish to us old gals on MN however I by no means want to insult how really your feeling are. We would all feel horrible if it was us in this situation.

You deserve praise for ending this, you know you and your son deserve better. Having a loving partner and a child is something to be proud of. He just isn't. Because he's a dick.

Do you have any family to turn to for support? I think it would be a good idea to lean on them whilst you figure out your next steps.

Consider having mininal/next to no contact, outside of organising visits with his son. Look into maintenance and use neutral ground to pick up/drop off your son for visits.

You deserve better. So much better x

I’m 23 and was in a somewhat similar situation to you.

I have two kids (13 months and 24 months) with the same person. We weren’t originally in a relationship, just casually seeing each other I guess. He’s always been a great dad and is very hands on with the kids. He can do everything that I do with them etc.

However the similarity comes when trying to present himself as a single person online (and in reality too). All of his friends and family knows that he has two kids however online he presents as a single person who has no children. He’s posted our daughter once but no one knows that he has a son too. He told girls on social media that we aren’t together and I’m not in the picture despite literally living in my house.

It was madness and I’ve only really ended it about 3/4 weeks ago. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and realise that enough is enough. You deserve better and your child definitely deserves better. He’s young and very immature. You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on straight so all the best to you🤞

I do hope you have someone in your life to support you - mum/dad? I've kids your age and a little older and I would be devastated if they ended up in your situation.

I think you've just got to accept your little boy has a deadbeat dad, and move ahead with your and your son's lives. My heart actually breaks for you - you're so so young!!

What do you do in your own life - do you work etc? I hope you can find a way to move forward, to enjoy your life, to support your little boy. This 'boy' is just an arsehole and he doesn't deserve you or your son. Take care xx

OP - don’t mistake questioning your choices to somehow being not nice. And the term ‘baby daddy’ not a grown up word. It’s not being somehow nasty to your child. Biologically - he is the father.

I don’t see a point in beating around the bush and being supportive fantasies.

Being 18 and ‘in love’ isn’t a reason to have a baby. And trying to play families with a boy of 20yo who has never been interested in being a father is naive.
Please learn from this and hopefully your next relationship will be different.

Frankly - I have a hard time blaming the guy in this situation. (And I do think men in general are all kind of crap) But we don’t have a grown man here. Human brain isn’t fully matured before 25 so judging him the same as we would an actual adult is not entirely fairer.
Women have to mature really quickly if they chose to have a child. And boys don’t really. It not fair, but it’s how it is.

Op - you chose to be hang up on this boy for whatever reason. You chose to see things that weren’t there - and created a fantasy of love that you shared.

Seeing things as they really are is a part of learning you need to go through.

I do hope you have a good support system around, so that you can figure out a way to have an education/career so that you can eventually support yourself and your child.

He sounds very immature. I wouldn’t write him off as a dad just yet, he could well improve with time. But as a partner I think you will be a lot better off without him. Hope it all works out for you 😊

You and your son deserve better. Living believing that your partner is only with you until they find someone better is no way to live or be in a relationship. Ultimately he will destroy all your confidence and self worth. He is in all likelihood cheating on you and hiding you to make this easier for him to do. (Sorry if that hurts)

remember it’s not you- there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes you made a decision to have a child with a father who is undesirable but that cannot be undone and you just need to concentrate on being the best mum possible to your son.

I hope you find the strength to get rid of him

THIS!

OP, you chose to start a family with someone who clearly didn't want to even let anyone know you are his partner never mind going to be the mother of this child. Concentrate on yourself and your child, I hope not but I imagine if you end the relationship this BOY will soon just disappear from your life completely

Op. You took a huge gamble and it didn't work the way you wanted .

You KNEW this boy was flaky , having sex with you on the quiet whilst seeing other girls and continually on the lookout for other options.. why you got stressed about him not putting you on his social media - I have no idea . I would just of put it all out there on my own and tagged him - you didn't need to let him keep you a secret . His not 'in charge of you' !!!

Yet KNOWING all that about him you decided to get pregnant. It wasn't an accident it was the oldest story every told - you thought if you had a baby with him he would stick around and live you both ... it's sad. Because you are far from the first and certainly not the last to think this is a good option or a smart move... it just never works. He is a complete idiot for not guarding his own fertility and you are now responsible for a baby that was never planned or desired by the father.

It is a harsh lesson to learn that no matter what you do - you can never MAKE someone love you by contriving the circumstances.. but it is what it is and you now have to live with and make the best of the situation as you have a child who chose none of this..

Stop mooning over this waste of space. Get a CMS claim in asap. Get yourself a good education and a good job. Work hard and provide well for your child . Living a good focussed independent life is the best 'revenge' . Make it so you give your son a far better life than this wastrel could ever dream of doing . !

You said he still kept you hidden so you DID know but chose to continue. Dont make the same mistake again. You are better off on your own.

How is saying 'father of your child' any different to 'baby dad'? They mean the same thing. And whether you like it or not, he IS the father of your child. You can say he is no 'father' if you want, but I then find it strange that you still refer to him as your 'partner' in the same sentence.

If you don't want an opinion then don't post on a public forum. Nor did I insult your child, I simply showed sympathy to him for them being brought into what sounds like a relationship doomed to fail from the start. How you find that an insult is on you.

I was in a relationship like this from 16-22. We wasn't kept private but I relate in the terms of trying to get attention off other women, lots of problems with social media etc. You're not overreacting, he'll never ever change! My ex was messaging another girl whilst I was in hospital having a second-trimester miscarriage; I'd just turned 20 and it turned my whole world upside down. I (very, very stupidly) still got pregnant again very quickly and we now have my son. He got even worse during pregnancy and postpartum and I finally had the strength the leave when my son was 9 months old - the best decision I ever made knowing I wasn't wasting my life on somebody like that! I'm sorry for what he's put you through OP. Focus on you and your son, he's not worth the head space.

@rosygirl13 my dear I'm sorry you are going through this. You really need to move on from him. You can see he is not ready for a family. You said nothing about education and work. Please focus on that. You are really young. You can still make something of yourself. There is no future in this "relationship ". Quietly let him go.

This.

You could do the Freedom Programme to help you set boundaries and have a healthy relationship.

He is hiding you both because it will ruin his single man image.

even his friends do not know he has a baby? Or a girlfriend? Thats so messed up.

This man will bring you further and further down. Seriously consider just cutting all contact. You say he is no father anyway, and he certainly is no partner.

Remeber those good times you mention you had in the relationship? You can have that all the time with a decent man who is proud to shout from the rooftops you are his partner.

Go get yourself one of those and bin this one.

I thought he only ever looked at me, only wanted me

How, when hes cheated on you before and then dumped you?

Time to move on. He is who he is and wont change, as you can see.

It sounds like you have learned a really hard lesson about sub standard men. Most women have to learn this at some point in their life, and you’ve learned it the hard way and at a young age.

The only way is up OP. Get rid of this loser, raise your bar way up, and enjoy your precious life

Look, he seems like a dick, but to be fair many young people this age are complete dicks. It’s not really normal for people so young to settle down in serious relationships. It’s more typical that there is a series of relationships as people go through that period of growing and discovering who they are, where they sit and what they want in life. The reality is, that’s what should have occurred, not two people so young trying to play happy families and have kids. He’s not ready for the ‘time to settle down and have a family’, and to be fair he probably didn’t even have the maturity to compute this himself (that’s what nagging/interfering mums are for🤣), so he just got swept along.

Probably best to leave, don’t think of men, take a few years to discover who you are and then move forward in life, with a guy who is then aligned. He will do the same, likely take him longer than it will take you though.

When I was your age OP I had loads of relationships with dickheads like this one. It's part of growing up, finding your way in life and hopefully at some point finding the guy who you want to be with forever and feels the same way about you.

I'm not even going to criticise your babbydaddy. He's a young guy who's not really that into you, doesn't want to play happy families and wants to play the field. Having a baby was not really on his agenda. Maybe in 10 years time he'll have grown up and will be a different character?

But that doesn't help you, OP. I'm guessing you have told the benefits people that you are a single parent so you are already supported financially without his contribution? If so then get rid of this man now and choose your next partner more carefully. And remember that you don't need to have a baby with every boyfriend. Wait for someone really decent who wants to have a baby with you and will marry you and support and cherish you.

Keeping your child off social media is actually a good thing even if it’s for the wrong reasons. You have to move forward now without him an build your life for you and your son.

You can drive yourself mad being suspicious of his behaviour or you can trust your gut and leave him. He won’t change and he is the problem, not you. If you confronted him and he came clean, I have no doubt he’d blame you in some way. Don’t listen to what he says, look at his actions. You feel that your confidence is in tatters, and it’s very hard to leave when your self-esteem is so low, but somehow you have to break this cycle and do what’s right for you!

Dont be ashamed that you’ve taken a long time to see what’s in front of your eyes. It took me years and years to realise that I was being abused. Sometimes you just need to be ready to see it and BAM when you do, you’ll be so strong. Good luck, make sure you get as much support from family/friends - don’t cover his behaviour, this is on him!