Can you teach someone?

[Funionfusion]

Hi,

Can you teach someone to be in a relationship? If so how?

I (27) ask purely because im confused. I have been dating a guy (35) for 8ish months, feelings and the stages we are at are clearly progressing. However my partner often openly states, mainly during disagreements, that this is his first proper relationship and he doesn't know how to be in one. Since a teenager he's just had one night stands or flings/fwb.

Incase the context of disagreements are relevent: they mainly consist of him still acting like he's single, wanting to go out drinking all the time (the timings are quite unreasonable-9/10am), making decisions on the down low then announcing them and expecting me to adapt around them, recognition and response to feelings and situations are also very minimal. For example, There was an incident that happened a few weeks ago involving an assault and his reaction was pretty bizarre.

He also keeps asking me for permission for or to state im okay with everything he does, which is annoying but is making me really uncomfortable because I feel he is trying to make me "control" him in a sense. He also then has a strop if for example, I do state I'm not okay with him going out drinking from 9am until he can't walk on a Tuesday.

Is it possible to actually teach someone to be a boyfriend? Or is this another bizarre reverse control tactic?

Sorry for the long post.

You sound fundamentally incompatible tbh, but only because his level of alcohol misuse doesn’t sound compatible with any meaningful relationship.

Well he's an alcoholic for a start which is a good enough reason to get rid even if his other shortcomings weren't .
Throw this one back

No, you can’t ‘teach’ somebody to be boyfriend. Not least because every relationship is different. There isn’t a ‘test’ you can pass that proves you are a good boyfriend. You can communicate what you need and want in a relationship, and on that basis you can judge as to whether your boyfriend is a ‘good’ one.

His drinking issues are a whole other kettle of worrying fish.

No.
Nobody is taught how to be in a relationship, you learn as you go. Like who taught you?
He is using that to minimise his poor behaviour, so you loosen your standards because the poor wee 35 year old is still learning

Please end things. This man is a total bloody mess and it is not your job to straighten him out. 9am drinking suggests alcohol dependency not to mention his weird control issues with pushing you for permission so you can't say you didn't agree to him doing whatever he wants.

You're 27. Find someone fun and kind who you can enjoy life with. This man is not it.

He is in a relationship - not with you, with alcohol. You'll always be second fiddle to that. It won't get better and you can't teach someone how to relationship if they don't to, certainly not an addict.

If he hasn't improved by 38, he's not going to. He's only had fwb & ONSs because that's the way he likes it and he's probably carrying on with that while you think you are his GF.
You sound a bit deluded. Give up trying to mold someone into what you want because it never works.

Why the hell should you have to teach anyone how to behave? It's not to act like a decent person, unless you're a prick. Just find someone who knows how to be an adult. What a turn off.

You're not a rehab facility for inadequate men.

Absolutely this.

His inexperience in relationships seems like a side issue to his dependence on alcohol, surely?

Thank you for everyone's comments they are really helping. I am working with a IDVA due to a previous relationship who is now quite worried about these behaviours and lack of emotion/reaction and classing them as early warming signs. Hearing other people's opinions on this is making it clear that I'm not at fault for wanting a sort of instinct reaction rather than having to be forced to make someone act or feel who/how I want them to be.

I have always had a life like this, if im honest. I had an alcoholic mother who neglected me, my grandad (who is literally like my dad) is becoming alcohol dependant but still worships the ground I walk on and is very protective but isnt very nice to me on a while, to think about it deep down. Boyfriends in the past, who have had dependencies and other issues have been a mixture of both. This one feels like a mixture of my parents... they love me but I'm really not good enough. I'm not valued or important to them or anyone. This may seem extreme but If I died I don't feel like anyone would actually care, they would just be more bothered about the fact that it would affect them and their life more than the fact that i was dead or that no one was there to be there for them.

I'm starting to wonder if the problem is me and if this is the life I deserve because its the life I've always had and I'm just a bad person who attracts these people. Or if I do deserve or can do any better. The amount of therapy or issues don't seem to change anything I'm just desensitised to everything, my therapist has said this, and I can't feel anything anymore. My tolerance is so high now that I don't know how to react or be when I feel like things aren't right or even wrong..

I don't know how to make my life or me better. I don't want to spend the next 5 or 50 years feeling like this and blaming myself because of other people. I just don't know how to make things better. Maybe I'm just broken 💔

I'd say both Yes and No.

No, because you can't teach a selfish alcoholic prick not to be one.

Yes, because I believe it is possible to learn things from a partner. If you want to, of course.

Two people bring different things to a relationship, everyone has different prior experiences and nobody is perfect.

I have definitely learnt things about communication and not taking things for granted from my DH in our years together, and (I hope) he's learnt things about compromise and making measured decisions from me.

Sorry OP, we cross-posted. No this is not your fault. It sounds like your boyfriend has significant alcohol issues that contribute to his lack of capacity to be in a healthy relationship, and I'm so sorry you've been through this before but you don't have to be again.

You're very young and you have so much opportunity to live and learn about yourself and learn about others, and not everyone will drag you down, I promise.

TOP of your list for future relationships should be someone clean of any kind of dependency or addiction. It probably makes sense in a way that you're drawn to people that do, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Hello @Funionfusion Of course you are not broken. Yes you are good enough and yes you deserve much better. Keep working on your self love because it sounds like you didn't get the love and attention you needed growing up and that is not your fault. Try to spend your time with good people who appreciate you. And get rid of this immature addict. He will bring you nothing good.

I'm starting to wonder if the problem is me and if this is the life I deserve because its the life I've always had and I'm just a bad person who attracts these people.

Well yes it is you but in the way you think. It's because this is all you have ever known and it's your comfort zone. It's much easier to have a relationship with someone like those around you than it is to have a relationship with someone with very values to those you've grown up with.

Problem of course is that you've grown up with shit alcoholic adults who are abusive at worse and neglectful at best. You deserve much much better.

*NOT in the way you think.

How do you find a person that is good for you already then? Because I have been single for 2 years before this person and I'm content single but if I ever wanted to be with someone long term how do I do that?

Clearly therapy isn't working to change the people I gravitate towards, my tolerance is clearly not enough, my gut is wrong clearly. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I work every day on myself. I laugh. I joke. I am a person.

After I meet someone all that seems to change because they are already damaged and I don't find this out until later on.

Carry on with the work you're doing. Your gut instinct isn't wrong or you wouldn't be posting here for a start. You know this isn't how you want to be treated, you know you deserve better so that's the foundation to build upon.
I used to hear alot about boundaries but never understood what they were. I also grew up in a dysfunctional situation and it took a number or toxic shitty relationships followed by an extremely abusive relationship for me to stumble across the answer. It really is simply boundaries. For those who have seen them and lived by them in a world while growing up it's hard to understand why those who havent struggle to implement them.
Youre comfortable being single so that's a good place to start, carry on going to therapy and building a healthy life for yourself. You will get to stage where you will not tolerate any kind of shit behaviour though, that will include from family and friends.
Work on your boundaries and the best bit is the feeling you get when you learn how to actually live by them. They stop becoming something you dont like or dont want and become things you will absolutely not tolerate.
Eventually you will stop gravitating towards people and will defo stop attracting those of that poor ilk your familiar and comfortable with.
You need to actually believe you deserve better, you need to know and live your life by the thought that you are worth better, you do not deserve that treatment and woe betide someone who thinks they will even get away with attempting to treat you that way.
If you know in your head and heart they will loose you by treating you this way they will know it to. The ones that arent able to reach that high bar you have set will gradually drop away, aiming their sights at much easier targets until eventually it's a clear path for those who can meet you on your level.
Your life is your table, that you have built. Its full of lovely food and wine that you have worked for. Unless they're bringing something decent to your swoire they simply ain't invited.

He drinks from 9am? Does he work or is the all day drinking at the weekend.

You aren't broken. None of this is your fault. You are a good person. You're aware of your situation and want to make it better.

I would stop trying with this bf for a start.... he has a drink problem, is unreliable and doesn't want to act like a bf. He isn't relationship material. It isn't your job to fix him or to put up with his behaviour. He's a grown man who is destroying his own life with alcohol. That's his choice, but you don't have to put up with it and have it bring you down too.

You are still young. I'd encourage you to spend more time being single. Enjoying single life. Building up good friendships, taking care of yourself, building your own confidence through your job, learning or hobbies. All of these things will help build your confidence and resilience so that you are less likely to put up with, or overlook, poor behaviour in a potential partner when you first see it.

As soon as you see a warning sign, be on alert. Know your worth. Much better to be single than with a neglectful / abusive / addict partner.

You'll know you've met a (potential) good match when you find someone who treats you with respect, who is reliable and trustworthy, doesn't play games, wants you to be happy, enjoys your company, shows they care by their words and actions.

Healing from a difficult childhood is a lifelong journey. You’re not broken and there isn’t an end point to aim for where you’re fixed. You can have fun and fulfilling relationships, starting with you.

There are lots of great videos on YouTube by Lisa Romano about growing up with an alcoholic parent and how it can affect you as an adult. Also relevant to partners of addicts.

It sounds like you have made real progress already in your journey, keep going!